The War Experiment
By Justin Horsey
(The TARDIS materializes in Canada Square.)
Doctor: (Stepping out.) Here we are. Back home.
Donna: (Following.) Really?
Doctor: (Looking the opposite direction to Canary Wharf.) I seem to have missed though.
Donna: (Turning around.) What, you mean we're not meant to be here?
Doctor: Well, unless you live there. (Pointing at Canary Wharf.)
Donna: Well then, let's get going.
Doctor: (Staring sadly.) Yeah.
Donna: Are you alright?
Doctor: Right! Chiswick! (Jumps inside TARDIS and sets to work.)
Donna: Doctor.
Doctor: Yeah?
Donna: Whenever I ask you about that, you change the subject.
Doctor: Yeah, so?
Donna: It's just that I feel that I'm missing out on something.
Doctor: Yeah, you're right.
Donna: Then what's wrong?
Doctor: That building. Is where I lost Rose.
Donna: The battle?
Doctor: Yeah. (The two stand in silence.) Right then. Let's get you home.
Donna: Alright.
Doctor: Allons-y! (Pulls a lever.)
(Inside Donna's house.)
Sylvia: I'm just going down the shops to pick up some bread. (Picks up keys and handbag.)
Wilfred: Alright. (Sitting on the couch.)
Sylvia: Be right back. (Walks outside as the TARDIS materializes in the street.)
Doctor: (Stepping outside.) That's more like it! Hello. (Waving to Sylvia.)
Donna: Did we get it? (Following.)
Doctor: Looks like it.
Sylvia: Donna!
Donna: Mum! (Runs to her and hugs her.)
Wilfred: She's back! (Coming outside and hugging Donna.)
Sylvia: How've you been?
Donna: Good, you?
Sylvia: Alright.
Wilfred: Strange things have been happening since you left.
Doctor: What do you mean? What strange things?
Sylvia: Lasers! Being shot across the sky!
Doctor: Where from?
Sylvia: Canary Wharf.
Doctor: Anything else?
Sylvia: No, it's just impossible to sleep!
Wilfred: They shoot green lasers across the sky. Every night! But they never say what for!
Doctor: Seems to me like Canary Wharf needs some investigating. (Something shoots a laser at them but misses.)
Donna: Oh my gosh!
Doctor: (Looks up to see spaceships flying around shooting at people.) Hello.
Donna: Do you know who they are Doctor? (Doctor doesn't respond.) Doctor! (The Doctor looks at Donna.) Do you know who they are?
Doctor: (Looks back up.) No.
DOCTOR WHO THEME MUSIC
(Inside spaceship. There is creatures called Erot's that look like humans but have extremely wrinkly faces. At the moment, they have helmets on.)
Superior Wurs: We seem to have located humans.
Commander Daiu: That's what lives on earth!
Superior Wurs: But as the operations at Canary Wharf, they should be hiding in fear.
Commander Daiu: Interview them.
Leader Feng: Yes Sir.
(Outside.)
Doctor: Well, they obviously want us alive. (Noticing that the ships have stopped firing.)
Megaphone: Identify!
Doctor: I'm the Doctor!
Donna: I'm Donna, and Sylvia and Wilfred.
Megaphone: You will teleported aboard Doctor!
(Inside ship.)
Commander Daiu: Beam them aboard.
Leader Feng: Yes sir. (The Doctor is teleported aboard.)
Doctor: (Noticing Donna is still on the ground.)And Donna.
Elder Rona: She is the one! She is prophesized.
Commander Daiu: And the girl!
Leader Feng: Beaming now. (Donna appears beside the Doctor.)
Doctor: Very interesting. The only creatures in the universe that a Time Lord doesn't know about.
Elder Rona: It is him, he is the one I prophesized, see him!
Doctor: Who are you?
Commander Daiu: We are the Leaders of the 2nd division of Erots.
Doctor: Erots. Right. And your names?
Commander Daiu: Commander Daiu, captain of the second division.
Superior Wurs: Superior Wurs, leader of studies of foreign races.
Leader Feng: Leader Feng, I run the ship.
Commander Daiu: And Elder Rona. The oldest Erot, and prophet of the second division.
Doctor: You mean every division has one of these guys? (Going over and waving his hand in front of his helmet.)
Commander Daiu: All but the first. Theirs passed some time ago.
Doctor: Blind.
Superior Wurs: Has been for some time. He was the smartest Erot ever.
Doctor: Question is, what do you want with us?
Superior Wurs: We are preparing for war.
Doctor: With who?
Superior Wurs: The Judoon.
Doctor: Why would you do that?
Commander Daiu: They accused us of genocide!
Leader Feng: And stole our weapons.
Superior Wurs: And destroyed the majority of our divisions.
Elder Rona: The war will come to earth. The war is come!
Doctor: What does that mean?
Elder Rona: The war begins today!
Commander Daiu: He says that all the time.
Doctor: Well maybe you should listen to him.
Elder Rona: This man is intelligent. He saves the universe from the superior.
Doctor: Thank you.
Superior Wurs: You interpret his prophesy.
Doctor: Well, it's not rocket science. It's like slapping someone in the face and asking them to interpret it.
Superior Wurs: Then what is he saying?
Doctor: There will be no war between you and the Judoon.
Elder Rona: The prophesy continues. Now we take control of earth.
Leader Feng: We must begin a full scale invasion of Earth. There must be war between the Erots and the Judoon.
Elder Rona: The prophesy shall not bend.
Doctor: No it won't. (To Donna.) Come on.
Donna: Where are we going?
Doctor: To the command room. (Follows Commander Daiu to the Command room.)
Donna: Oh my gosh there's thousands of them. (Looks off a viewing platform to see thousands of Erots working below.)
Doctor: All we have to do is wait and see what they're planning.
Commander Daiu: (Appearing beside them.) Attention! We begin a full scale invasion of earth. Prepare to depart.
Doctor: I would take my coat off but I don't want to leave it unattended on an alien ship.
Commander Daiu: You can watch the invasion from the control room.
Doctor: Alright. Come on. (Gestures to Donna to go first.)
Donna: What about my family Doctor.
Doctor: You keep going; I'm going to beam them aboard. (Donna continues to follow Commander Daiu as the Doctor fiddles with the teleport pod.) Welcome aboard. (As Sylvia and Wilfred appear.)
Sylvia: We're in an alien ship!
Wilfred: What kind of aliens?
Doctor: Erots. Come on. (They walk through a passage to the control room.)
Commander Daiu: This is it Doctor! The invasion begins!
Doctor: Yeah, before we start all that. What do you want with Earth?
Commander Daiu: We want its population!
Doctor: It's population?
Commander Daiu: We will hypnotise the population, and they will aid us in war!
Elder Rona: The war is beginning! The armies of earth will rise, and will attack!
Leader Feng: Take him away from here! His prophesies must not be so.
Superior Wurs: No! The great warriors of old were unwise to question his prophesy! We must not fall into the same trap!
Leader Feng: But he is jeopardising the experiment!
Doctor: So this isn't an invasion, this is an experiment!
Commander Daiu: That distinction makes no difference.
Doctor: Except from the fact that an invasion is one made with an authority and with some superior plan. An experiment is just a test. What are you people testing?
Commander Daiu: How come you know so much?
Doctor: I'm brilliant.
Elder Rona: The Doctor's brilliance will show on the last day, as the first and last days are soon.
Doctor: And he's not just saying there will be no war, but it will end today. One day, and it will all be over.
Commander Daiu: Begin the invasion! I'm sorry Elder Rona, but this time you are incorrect.
Elder Rona: The ignorance of my race will cost dearly.
Doctor: There's only one thing I have to say to you Commander Daiu.
Commander Daiu: What is that?
Doctor: Hypnotise the Earth! See what I care, but you could die knowing that you should have listened to the smartest Erot ever. But it's not just me now. You've already blasted craters in every main road in Chiswick, the moment you set foot on Earth, and they're on red alert. Or mauve alert, whichever way you want to look at it.
Commander Daiu: We have 15 divisions of Erots. What do you have?
Doctor: 7 billion humans, one Time Lord and one half Time Lord.
Commander Daiu: It is still not enough. Begin the experiment!
Doctor: Here we go. (Watching as the Erots march out of all 15 ships and line up in the street.)
Commander Daiu: How many transmitters are there?
Leader Feng: 15 divisions by 100,000 in each that is 1,500,000 transmitters.
Superior Wurs: Activating the transmitters in 100 nodes! 99, 98...
Doctor: And now they're going to hypnotise the world.
Donna: Not if I have anything to say about it!
Doctor: (Turning around to see Donna sitting with Sylvia and Wilfred at a computer.) What are you doing?
Donna: Hypnotising them as normal.
Leader Feng: Step away from the controls!
Donna: Downloading, now! Wam! All to normal.
Doctor: Donna, you are brilliant!
Donna: Oops. (The computer turns off.)
Wilfred: What have you done?
Donna: I kicked the plug.
Sylvia: Quick, use my phone!
Superior Wurs: …50, 49, 48, 47, 46…
Donna: Downloading, here we go 3, 2, 1. We have… What? (Looks closely at the screen.)
Doctor: What?
Donna: It's downloaded as their favourite celebrities.
Doctor: Can you change it back?
Donna: Trying!
Doctor: Quickly Donna, otherwise we're going to have a world full of Oprah Winfrey and that's not a position I want to be in!
Donna: We're online in 3, 2, 1 go!
Superior Wurs: (In unison.) 3, 2, 1 go!
(Outside.)
Man 1: (Like David Beckham.) Did you see the football on the weekend?
Man 2: (Like James May.) No I didn't, I've got better things to do with my life.
Man 1: I scored the best free kick ever.
Man 2: Rubbish!
Man 3: (Like Homer Simpson.) Doh!
Man 1: You've forgotten where you parked the car haven't you?
Man 2: You spanner.
(Inside ship.)
Donna: Well, at least they're not controlled by the Erot's.
Doctor: Blimey, we've a million Jeremy Clarkson's haven't we?
Donna: Yeah, why?
Doctor: (Smiles.) Oh it's just going to be a bit difficult to get them to go to war.
Commander Daiu: Something's failed.
Man 4: (From outside, like Jeremy Clarkson.) YOU FAILED!
Leader Feng: Kill him. (The Erots vaporize Man 4.)
Doctor: What has he ever done?
Leader Feng: He belittled our victory. As for you Doctor, you will face execution.
Doctor: Since when?
Leader Feng: Since you are about to be shot.
Doctor: But, the thing is, in all this, that we've managed to stop you hypnotising everyone as warriors and are now their favourite celebrity.
Leader Feng: And now Doctor our victory is complete!
Doctor: Were you listening at all?
Leader Feng: The fact that the people of Earth are not warriors does not jeopardise the experiment.
Doctor: Well it does if everyone dies in battle.
Superior Wurs: Observe Doctor. (Into megaphone.) People of Earth, I am your master. You are at war!
(Outside.)
Man 5: (Like Richard Hammond.) Well the only war I see is a battle between BMW and Mercedes.
Woman 1: (Like Catherine Tate.) Well it doesn't matter, I ain't going to no war.
Man 6: (Like Basel Brush.) You might just have to find elmo to make it fair. Ha ha ha! Boom boom!
(In the ship.)
Commander Daiu: Let me try. People of Earth, you are warriors and are now going to war.
(Outside.)
Man 2: Rubbish!
Man 7: (Like Boris Johnson.) I'm sure I could organise transport for a war. We have new bendy busses.
Man 2: You told us you were getting rid of the bendy busses!
(In the ship.)
Leader Feng: This is useless. Doctor! The fact that you have put a temporary glitch in the experiment means that you must be executed.
Doctor: What did I say? You can't hypnotise people that have already been hypnotised.
Superior Wurs: Then we must un-hypnotise them!
Doctor: Oh, and we've got company! (2 Judoon ships fly overhead and land in the street.)
Elder Rona: It is coming! The end of the war! (The Judoon platoon march across to the entrance of the 2nd division ship.)
Judoon 1: Slo po ko ho fo jo do ro to yo wo qo mo
Doctor: Oh but the war's just beginning Elder Rona!
Commander Daiu: Doctor, come with me to face the Judoon.
Doctor: Alright. Come on Donna. (They follow Commander Daiu out of the control room.)
Elder Rona: The Doctor is correct. The war is at the end of the beginning.
Leader Feng: Silence!
Superior Wurs: Why do you silence him?
Leader Feng: He is incorrect.
Superior Wurs: It is Commander Daiu that is incorrect!
Leader Feng: What leads you to conclude this?
Superior Wurs: It is the end of us all!
Elder Rona: The Judoon must survive!
Leader Feng: No! (Get's out his gun and kills Elder Rona.)
Superior Wurs: What have you done?
Leader Feng: Go ahead kill me!
Superior Wurs: Then I will be held accountable for both murders!
Leader Feng: Then I will kill you! (Shoots Superior Wurs.)
Superior Wurs: You are a failure! Destruct!
Leader Feng: Incorrect Superior Wurs, I am victorious!
Wilfred: Come on let's get out of here! (Goes over to teleport pod with Sylvia and teleports into the street.)
(Outside. The Doctor, Donna and Commander Daiu are facing the Judoon.)
Doctor: You've seen them before Donna.
Donna: Who are they?
Doctor: The Judoon.
Commander Daiu: They are the enemy!
Judoon 1: You are guilty of genocide.
Commander Daiu: That was your assumption. Erots are guilty of nothing.
Doctor: Except that you tried to send the entire population of Earth off to war.
Commander Daiu: It was an experiment! There was no guarantee that it would work.
Doctor: Well, you had some hope it would work though. Cause if you didn't, then what was the point of this whole thing?
Judoon 1: The Erots plead guilty. Sentence, Execution! (The Judoon pull out their guns and aim at Commander Daiu.)
Doctor: The Judoon only have jurisdiction when there's a witnessed crime. And now they've seen one.
Commander Daiu: Well go ahead Judoon! Execute me!
Judoon 1: Execute! (Judoon 1 shoots Commander Daiu.)
Doctor: Well then, let's go find the other 3. (3 Judoon, The Doctor and Donna run back inside.)
Donna: Where's mum and gramps? (Running back to the control room to find it empty except for Leader Feng.)
Doctor: Question is, what have you done with these two? (To Leader Feng and running over to Superior Wurs lying on the ground.)
Leader Feng: They opposed the experiment.
Donna: So you killed them. You killed your own superiors.
Doctor: And now you're the only leader of the 2nd division left.
Leader Feng: And now I shall lead the human race into battle.
Doctor: But, now the enemy's right here on Earth.
Donna: Just as Elder Rona predicted.
Doctor: And now, you're outnumbered 7 to 1.
Judoon 2: We will control all Erot units.
Leader Feng: There's nothing you can do to stop me now! (Into megaphone.) Attention, people of the earth! When I have finished my address you will be soldiers awaiting instruction. That is all.
Judoon 1: What is the meaning of this?
Leader Feng: That means that I have control of all the humans and they are preparing for a revolt. (Every human marches smartly into lines.)
Doctor: Every single human on planet earth. Marching off to war. (Sylvia and Wilfred watch as the other humans march by their house.)
Donna: (To Judoon.) Well do something!
Judoon 2: We have no authority over the welfare of humans.
Donna: That doesn't mean you can't get rid of the offender.
Doctor: (Whispering.) Never mind that now, Donna if you can help me, I might just have a plan.
Leader Feng: (Into megaphone.) All of human kind will report to the Erot control ship to collect weaponry.
Donna: (Whispering.) What were you thinking.
Doctor: I'll attract him to the command room. You put the human race back to normal.
Donna: And how am I going to do that?
Doctor: Just tell them.
Donna: I just tell them to be normal.
Doctor: Yep. You ready?
Donna: Yeah.
Doctor: Let's go. (The Doctor runs off toward the control room.)
Leader Feng: There's nothing you can do to stop me Doctor! (Turns around to notice the Doctor is gone.) Where is he?
Doctor: (Appearing on the screen.) Well I'm just in the Command room, and using my sonic screwdriver I just might be able to use the ships power to turn everyone back to normal.
Leader Feng: But we will all be killed.
Doctor: Try and stop me.
Leader Feng: No you can't! The experiment is not complete. (Runs off toward the control room.)
Donna: (Stepping up to the microphone.) A message to all of humankind. Be normal. Stop marching to the Erot ship and go home and be normal. (All the humans stop marching, turn around and start walking home.)
Leader Feng: (Arriving in the command room.) Do not put that screwdriver in that machine!
Doctor: I wasn't going to.
Leader Feng: You what?
Doctor: Take along for yourself. (Leader Feng goes over to the window to see everyone walking home.)
Leader Feng: What did you do?
Doctor: (Running in.) Donna told them to be normal again. It's a bit like what you do for your kids except that they don't listen.
Leader Feng: (Runs back to the control room.) No! You can't! The experiment wasn't complete!
Doctor: It's as Elder Rona predicted. The war began on earth, and then the war ended on the same day.
Judoon 1: All crime must be punished. All Erots are sentenced to execution.
Doctor: No! There's another option!
Judoon 1: The Doctor has no outstanding galactic crimes. This proposition is plausible.
Doctor: So what do you say? We'll let you go, as long as you promise never to return to Earth again.
Leader Feng: And if I don't agree?
Doctor: The Judoon execute you.
Leader Feng: (Into radio.) All Erot divisions evacuate Earth!
Judoon 1: (Into radio.) All units withdraw!
Doctor: Come on Donna! (The Judoon, The Doctor and Donna leave the ship.)
Donna: We're just going to let them go?
Doctor: Sometimes it's the best option.
Donna: Well, away goes another alien species. Safe and sound. (Watches as the Erot ships take off and begin to fly off.)
(Inside Canary Wharf.)
Man 1: The Prime Minister is all clear.
Man 2: The Laser is ready. Our first blood!
Director: Fire in 3, 2, 1. Go! (The Laser fires across London, splits into fifteen and destroys all 15 of the Erot divisions.)
Woman 1: The target is destroyed.
Director: This is brilliant! The trust is rebuilding! We are back!
(In Chiswick.)
Donna: Where'd that come from?
Doctor: Canary Wharf. They're back. They can't do any harm yet, but they're back.
Donna: Doctor, who's back?
Doctor: They can't, they can't authorise them.
Donna: Authorise who?
Doctor: They don't deserve names after what they've done!
Donna: But who are they?
Doctor: Torchwood.
Donna: Let's just go.
Doctor: We can't let them roam free.
Donna: But what have they done?
Doctor: Oh they've done evil, Donna.
Donna: They took Rose.
Doctor: Yeah. It could've destroyed the world.
Donna: Then when they do start experimenting we'll come back.
Doctor: Your right. There's a great big universe to see, Donna. Let's go and see it. (Runs over to the TARDIS with Donna and starts to work.) Alright, continuing on from before. The not so lost moon of Poosh.
Donna: I meant to ask, what is so special about this moon?
Doctor: It's beautiful. You ready?
Donna: Yep.
Doctor: Allons-y!
DOCTOR WHO THEME MUSIC