Feeling was easier on Mars.
It was open, it was fluid, and it was everywhere. Everyone felt what people around them felt- family and friends partake in the joy, anger, and sorrow of their fellow Martians. On Mars, the concept of keeping feelings to oneself was unheard of; it was abnormal to hide your feelings behind a mask when they became too powerful to ignore.
But on Earth, among humans, everything was so drastically different.
Humans kept everything inside.
Humans had this notion that they should keep feelings hidden.
And humans always felt alone, so alone, in their emotions, most unable or unwilling to share the things that weighed most heavily on their hearts.
They struggled to keep themselves at bay, struggled to hide what they felt most deeply. Humans felt, she was slowly understanding, on a different level than Martians; because they feel so alone, so scared, everything they felt was amplified. It was so loud, so encompassing, she was surprised they didn't drown.
She wondered how they kept it to themselves.
She could feel it in her entire team (not even Conner was exempt, his Kryptonian mind feeling so familiarly human); every time they linked up, she could hear, so clearly, the things that they didn't want coming to the surface.
-and if I told them why she was looking at me like that I know how they'd react, know what they'd say-
-I cannot let them down, not again. They deserve better than what I can provide, but I am all that they have-
-just a little faster and I'll have done it. Just a little better and I'll be like him, just like him, just like-
The remnants of conversations spoken, of dreams had, of ideas passing through all vied for her attention when they came together, and she could feel the pressure of her teammates' thoughts on her mind, pressing into her with a force that she had never known until she came to earth.
Some small whispers that floated through her mind, others roaring winds that took all her control to keep tame.
She could feel Superboy's anger as if it were her own, feel Aqualad's self-doubt, Wally's insecurities, feel Artemis's fear, Robin's worry.
None of them spoke about it, and M'gann doubted they even knew that these things they felt so heavily, so vividly, crossed into her mind.
The weight was nearly unbearable, holding all of these thoughts that were not hers, these un-shareable, secret thoughts. But she held it in, she held all of them in, placing them away, making sure they would never come out.
She closed portions of herself off, hiding the nightmares that would rock her mind when she drifted off to sleep in the cave and accidentally touched someone's mind (-and they were falling, why were they falling, they never fell. Not even in practice would they fall, why were they-) or when she would need to link up quickly and they hadn't had time to steel themselves for her presence (- I'll never be as good as him, why do I even bother trying anymore, no one will believe-).
She could feel herself drifting away underneath the troubles of her teammates, losing herself in their thoughts and worries and complications. Losing herself in their human-ness.
Was she the one who worried she was not good enough? The one who worried that she would never live up to someone else's standards? The one who looked at her uncle and saw something she could never be? The one who thought of home often? The one who tried to keep her mind turned away from her home life? She couldn't tell anymore. Their thoughts mixed with hers, and she couldn't keep them straight.
She wanted so desperately to share this with someone. To get these multiple weights off of her chest, to let these personalities and feelings and ideas and uncertainties that were not hers disappear. To let someone else know how she felt and what went on in her mind. Mars may have had its faults, and she may not have been close with any of her family, but it was easier. It was normal. It was-
But she wasn't on Mars anymore.
She was on Earth.
The place that she had dreamed about for so long, in a culture that she had yearned for years to be a part of, with the people that she had fantasized about meeting. And they wouldn't be able to handle the open and fluid mind of a Martian. They would be scared, frightened, of letting these feelings go away, letting themselves realize they are not alone. They were human, after all, and if she wanted to fit in, she would have to deal like humans dealt.
M'gann shook for a moment as the team linked up again, and the thoughts- all of the memories and feelings and everything- pressed down on her again.
She would persevere.
She would accept the burden that no one else could shoulder, not here. Not on this team.
She would keep it all inside.
She would let it all build up and keep this mask of a person that she wasn't sure even existed anymore, sectioning off portions of herself and hiding her feelings that she should share.
She may feel alone, but- and she wonders if this is something that she should take refuge in, if it's something she should be proud of- she would feel human.