Final Fight
Sasuke snatched his wrist, fingernails digging into the sensitive skin viciously, drawing blood. Naruto winced, blood dripping down his forearm, the grip unrelenting.
"Can't you see how much I hate you?" Sasuke panted, staring into his eyes with cold madness, wanting to see the pain.
Naruto grabbed Sasuke's other wrist with his free hand in lighting response, trapping it against his chest, forcing Sasuke to lean forward in their position on the ground to follow it.
"Can't you see how much I need you?" he countered too calmly.
Sasuke was forced to look up, his twisted-loathing expression Naruto had gotten somewhat used to seeing.
"You're a terrible liar, Sasuke." the grossly-fatigued-blond continued. "You can't hate me..." But in saying this he took in everything Sasuke was saying, with and without words,
but you really do a good job of acting it.
"Or, maybe we both only seeing what we want to see...Maybe..." he admitted.
...
...
Their labored breathing interspersed more words than Naruto had said the entire confrontation. It was so different, this wordless, almost expressionless person Sasuke was fighting. It seemed to throw the entire dynamics of them fighting off.. It was definitely not nothing... but the anticipation of thrill Sasuke had expected from their clash had quickly become an itch he couldn't scratch. Now he was so focused on Naruto's moods, or lack of them, that he only dimly took notice of the vice-like grip trapping his hand against Naruto. He didn't want to hear the blond's words, just focus on whether Naruto was hurting himself with them; Waiting for him to dig his own emotional pit with them, and Sasuke would bury him in it.
"Heh, you wanna know what I see, Sasuke? Or do you already know?"
Sasuke smirked. Perfect.
"With your eyes, you think you see everything but you can't even figure out your own reflection. Maybe you're too scared to even look.."
...
...
How long had they been fighting this time? This last time... Multiple hours... They'd come alone - anxious to settle it once and for all without interruption. Now both were smeared in blood and dirt. Their muscles ached, their chakra waning pitifully; But the fire in both of their eyes was bright as ever.
They'd both forced each other to the ground near a burnt out ex-tree - just one of many that had been blasted away in the midst of their battle. Earlier the small clearing had been vibrant, lush green, and peaceful. At its fringes ancient trees had arched above, swaying gently in the cool breeze like silent guardians. Now it was ruined. A burnt out wasteland, like a meteorite had slammed to Earth and decimated four kilometers of paradise in one fell swoop - It wasn't far from the truth, only the outlying greenery could hint at what once was.
Either could have pulled a move that would have ended both of them so many times before this point, but neither were in an hurry to die if there was an alternative. Naruto had barely spoken the whole time - instead it was Sasuke saying words; Words to hurt him and rattle him, so that Sasuke could find an opening. His rage had grown as Naruto hadn't looked in the slightest bit phased - he'd barely done anything but concentrate on the fight. Naruto never ignored anything, and Sasuke hadn't thought him actually capable of it. Was that what he was doing? Where was the blurting out of impassioned words or fury if Sasuke so much as raised an eyebrow?
And without questioning too much why, he'd found himself livid, cheated... that the blond fuck had not reacted to him like always. They'd thrashed each other violently, and had only paused here and there while both of them recovered enough to achieve something more than ever-sloppier, powerless attacks, and even sloppier defense... Until they'd reached this point - sitting messily on the ground in utter bone-fucking exhaustion - Sasuke unable stop Naruto from immobilizing his hand, and too spent keeping balance because of it to keep a sincere grip on Naruto's wrist. Naruto wasn't any better, all he could do was refuse to let go of the hand he'd trapped - his insurance that Sasuke couldn't suddenly disappear on him. If either even could make it to their feet at this time, they'd be swaying unsteadily like pitiful shadows of men, too far gone on drink to walk. They both knew it. Stale mate. But maybe there were other ways to win.
...
...
"Then tell me Naruto... What do you see?" Sasuke taunted, trying again to goad him.
Naruto just looked into his eyes mutely, seriously, as if trying to see something behind his eyes. Sasuke wasn't going to show him anything like what he wanted to see. What he was searching for didn't exist anymore, he'd made sure of that. Still, the intensity of that stare bothered him.
Say something stupid and ruin it. Tell me you see your best friend even though I'm going to run my fist through your chest again.
"Pain..." he said it softly. It wasn't what Sasuke was expecting, and it being delivered so levelly was also.. unexpected... He ignored the need to swallow.
"I see it, Sasuke. I see it and I can't help you - you won't let me. You don't know how to deal, you never did... You don't believe-... No, you don't want to believe in anything good anymore. It will betray you, it will hurt.."
"...Let. go. of. me." Sasuke snarled, attempting to pull away - the imprisoned hand suddenly too hot and insulting to bear.
Naruto's response was to press the hand against his chest firmer, not giving an inch. He continued calmly, his eyes remained locked on Sasuke's face.
"And maybe when you look at me... you see someone that doesn't know what they're saying, that's foolish, delusional... Someone that chases you constantly, but only out of their own pride; But you're wrong. I wouldn't go so far for anyone, I go so far for you."
Suddenly the barely blowing coolness of the wind wasn't enough for Sasuke with the atmosphere between them. This poorly ventilated prison - despite the openness of the wasteland they'd created.
...
....
"You don't understand anything! You-"
"No." Naruto cut him off.
"Don't tell me again that I don't know the pain of losing bonds, or real family. You never even tried to understand what it was like for me when you left. It's you who doesn't understand."
"Have you forgotten, Naruto? I've no need to understand you. If you're going to try to kill me, just do it." He says the words automatically and hopes it sounds dismissive - not obvious that he's increasingly distracted by the feel of his hand pressed against Naruto.... It radiates warmth that spreads down his arm and across his chest. It's too hot – almost unbearably - and it bothers him; Bothers him just as much as the bullshit that Naruto spews forth.
"Asshole. You're too caught up in your own pain to see anyone else's." he mutters. "Now you intend to become a mass-murderer and fuck up a bunch of people just how you and your clan were?"
"I don't care. As long as my clan is avenged, that's all I live for."
"Well you have a shitty definition of 'living'." he knew he was pushing Sasuke's buttons. Good.
"Perhaps it seems that way to you! You have the emotional intensity of of a kid whose had his teddy bear taken away. You know nothing about how I feel!"
Naruto cocks an eyebrow in response. "Because I don't have family?..."
Sasuke just scowls darkly.
Naruto flickered his eyes over Sasuke's face, taking in the different features. He was still pale, beautiful, powerful... and also cruel. Too much had happened to each of them in the years after Sasuke left. Even when they were together in Team 7 days, they'd never really talked about anything that was going on with them. They didn't tell anybody. All the things unsaid between them growing into this immeasurable chasm. It seemed impossible to close the gap now, even if both of them had wanted that.
...
...
"I've known my father, and my grandfather since you've been gone. They actually loved me, Sasuke. Me. Do you believe that?" he looked straight past Sasuke like he was talking to himself before continuing, a strange expression on his face.
"They wanted to protect me and I wanted to protect them, with everything I had. And now they're dead..." he said too simply before looking back to catch Sasuke's reaction.
"What?" the word slips from Sasuke's lips before he realises.
"I know. I wasn't doing so good to begin with either, and then to lose again...- Well, it hurt. I thought I might die from it all.. I think, sometimes... I actually wanted to." He laughed bitterly but it was... empty.
Sasuke blanched. Who the fuck is this person? Naruto doesn't say shit like this, not without crying, or yelling and screaming, waving his arms, clenching his fists... his jaw at least...
"That's when I realised that not only is there something pretty wrong with me, but that you don't know shit about how I feel and you never did."
"Why are you telling me this!?! It doesn't matter now!"
"Sasuke, I'm pretty fucked up over here. Did you know that?" the way he stares, and his off hollow-tone sends discomfort all the way along Sasuke's spine. The grip on his hand and the resulting heat is worse. Intensely, achingly, uncomfortable. He tries with greater precious effort to snatch his hand back, but Naruto's grip is completely unyielding.
"I was already hurting every god damn day because this shit right here?... It's worse. You're worse" Sasuke can only stare back as if caught in a genjutso by this Naruto who seems detached and sarcastic.
"I've been fucking drowning in it year after year, and more shit just keeps piling up. Why? For what?... What the hell am I even doing, Sasuke?"
"How the fuck should I know? You think I'm crazy? Listen to you! And I've been trying to kill you, yet you keep after me with this puppy routine!" His eyes actually darted to the side looking for an escape.
"You think all this time I've just been playing some role I felt was appropriate?" his indignation was undeniable.
"Well that would make more sense! You're acting deranged."
Naruto actually laughed in a way that seemed oddly genuine. These moods, or the gross lack of them were too much to take in..
"Is this what irony is?"
Naruto tugged him a little closer and Sasuke had no choice but to be shifted. Naruto might be in bad shape, but he was recovering faster than he was.
Damn Kyuubi.
"...coming from you... Heh. But I think you're better at pretending than I'll ever be.." he stared him down.
Sasuke wasn't sure when his mouth had become slack enough to hang slightly open, but he closed it again immediately.
What the fuck is this? .. Fuck... Let go, fuck... How -got to get out. fucking crazy!
"You're right though..." he conceded slowly, his eyes adopting a faraway look.
"I can't keep chasing you... you can't be allowed to hurt innocent people either. But I hoped that maybe I could do something, even now I-" he shook his head as if clearing thoughts.
"The shit I've done trying to protect your ass and in the end, you force a fight neither of us are going to live to see the end of. Did you think I'll take pity on you? I won't."
Sasuke just stared back with blank expression, trying to hide his uncertainty at this strange, alien, Naruto.
"Do you realise, Sasuke. Once you kill innocent people... every good thing you ever did is gone..."
"'...Good'... 'Innocent'..." he found himself saying.
"What do those words even mean? No matter which side you are on, both will think they're just as right, just as justified."
Naruto opened his eyes wide, apparently surprised that Sasuke understood perspective from opposing sides. His grip even loosened and Sasuke was allowed to lean back a little. And Sasuke felt... was it, relieved?.. at the perceptible mood-shift.
"You're right, they may think that... but you know, they're both wrong. Whatever has happened, it doesn't make it right to slaughter people just because they're Leaf, or Uchiha, or whatever... You talk about doing the very same thing as what happened to your clan, and it will make just as much sense to them as it did to you. Don't you get that?"
"Why shouldn't they suffer as Uchiha suffered?"
"Because you'll be creating more fucked up kids just like you!!!" came the shout back, but something was missing.
Is this more like old Naruto? No.. But it's closer...
"Maybe I want that."
"You're not this cold, Sasuke. You can't be. And if you really are, then... " Resolution flashed in his eyes.
"I'm willing to die to protect those people from you."
"Can you kill me then, Naruto? Now is your chance." Sasuke challenged.
"My chance?... Maybe it has to be this way. For me, I can't be at this impasse anymore either." But he made no move to harm Sasuke. His eyes looked glazed. Not weak, in pain, or even conflicted... just dazed - lost, non-committal? Sasuke didn't know what to call it, but it didn't stop the irrational anger that Naruto had been so... nothing about killing him. Were his words meaningless? But isn't this what he wanted? Naruto to think nothing of him? When had Naruto gotten so hard to figure out, so unnerving, even... unstable?..
Sasuke's eyes bore into his. "You don't cry anymore."
"...wh-why bring that up suddenly." sudden nerves apparent.
Ah, there it is. A crack.
So Sasuke continued to stare at him, knowingly this time.
Naruto frowned severely.. Sasuke watched the troubled emotions flickering across his face, the way he drew his bottom lip into his mouth and bit it harshly. Privately his own heart-rate increased.
"Answer." Sasuke pressed, his pupils dilating like a cat hunting prey.
He saw the twinge of anger (and fear?), that flitted across Naruto's gaze at the demand. He looked like he'd rather walk on broken glass than talk about it.
"It's.. " he began unsteadily, trying to think of a way to pass off this conversation topic or end it quickly.
"I guess, it's, I can't, -I don't want to... ugh. I can't focus on it! Or I won't?.. Not for a while..." he stammered, sounding vaguely like the real Naruto for the first time. Sasuke could see him visibly clamping down on whatever was he was feeling before meeting Sasuke's gaze sternly. All uncertainty vanished.
"I don't really know. You're the expert." he accused bluntly, trying to shift the focus to Sasuke.
It didn't work.
"You're in no hurry to kill me, so explain it to me."
"No. I don't want to talk about this." he warned.
"Hn. You talk about me not understanding, you won't even explain." Sasuke didn't exactly know why he was pushing it. He didn't care... Not much anyway, but it was a compulsion to try and make Naruto react, it made his blood thrum in his ears. He could see the colour rising at the tan throat, the clenching of the jaw.
Just a little more...
"So...you don't actually want me to understand, Naruto. I knew you were an idiot, but a hypocrite too?"
"What's there to understand?! It hurt, so I don't go there anymore, cover it. It's- That's the best I can explain it, so would you just drop it?" he shouted in his face, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
Internally Sasuke was immensely pleased. This felt familiar, easier. Even if on the fringes it held a sting to it because it was so familiar, and because the words clearly meant a lot more to Naruto than anything their old jibing sessions had produced. He didn't really need Naruto to explain it anyway, he was no stranger to burying pain, but..
"But you're different, you were always different." he'd only meant to think the words, but they came out anyway. He found he didn't care.
"Was I?... I told you you didn't know shit..." Naruto growled.
Sasuke just looked like he would wait all day for an answer. And in his condition, he'd probably have to anyway. He didn't know what he was going to do about Naruto recovering so quickly, and how it put him at such a huge disadvantage. He'd simply have to keep Naruto talking and wait for an opportunity.
Naruto actually began to explain, staring at the ground as tense, bitter words tumbled out for a chance to make Sasuke understand.
"When we were kids... I had to believe that something better could happen or it would have been like I was already dead. I had nothing. I hated them! Why didn't I matter? What was so very wrong with me that I couldn't be loved?! He said the last directly to Sasuke, capturing his gaze as if expecting to find an answer on his face.
"I was so... alone." he whispered the last word, looking away awkwardly.
The way he said it, so hollow. He seemed very far away even with their closeness. Sasuke felt his stomach twist, like Naruto was encroaching on him unwanted. Some sort of creeping mist moving into smother him the more he talked. He wanted to brush it off with his hands but knew that was irrational.
"At first I thought it was because I was an orphan, but then..."
"Then there was me."
"...yes."
"Why is it that you don't you hate me?" Sasuke asked, unable to stop the vestiges of curiosity. He'd never quite understood why Naruto didn't, he'd given him more than enough reason.
"I wanted to, believe me." he sighed in frustration. .
"You got all the acknowledgment and admiration I always wanted, but... I knew you had no one. And I was thinking "he is a person who must also really understand loneliness". It made it..."
He frowned. Searching for a way to explain.
"Comforting, I guess." he finished lamely, shrugging.
Sasuke supposed he should have known Naruto must have felt that way. He'd watched Naruto, just as much as he knew Naruto had watched him. How could he avoid it? He was a bright orange wrecking-ball, though Sasuke was more subtle with his observations.
"I was also pissed you took it all for granted. Everyone wanted you and you couldn't care less, you didn't want anyone back... And you were so much better than me at everything. I really hated that..." he paused thoughtfully.
"But, -I thought if I could understand you... I could figure out how to be strong, and how to be good at everything without needing anyone. In truth, I really wanted to know you better, and for you to accept me. Maybe if I could become your equal, you would acknowledge me and I would have someone that.. got it.. I worked hard for that. I had a reason and a motivation to believe that I could be something great without needing anyone else to do it."
Sasuke felt a vague twinge in his gut and wondered if it was guilt. Now was not the time for trying to genuinely understand Naruto's feelings. There was never a time, he reminded himself.
"Sasuke..."
Capturing Sasuke in his gaze, Sasuke feels like he's suddenly looking at 12-year-old Naruto in those blue eyes - unsure of himself but determined anyway. And Sasuke actually stopped breathing at the intensity of the stare. Naruto's whiskered face, the unruly blond hair sticking everywhere with twigs in it - expression painfully honest. It's so familiar and welcome, and horribly unwanted all at once.
"I made it through my childhood because I had you... even if you didn't know it."
After some moments of unbroken staring Naruto looked away, scanning off in to the distance distractedly. Disturbed. It was then Sasuke noticed he'd been staring, and that his body felt like it'd been poisoned.
"I was aware of you, I noticed you." Sasuke blurted a little shakily, ignoring how he felt ill and clammy, and steadfastly looking straight ahead.
This is how he'd escape. He could make Naruto drop his guard with his words - he knew it. So he would talk; Say whatever was necessary without making it obvious, then he would make his move.
"You.. had nothing, " he searched his memories.
", but you always seemed to put on the happy face anyway. It annoyed me. More than any of the other kids you were.... this idiot that was determined to piss me off, and I didn't know why."
"'Idiot', that sounds about right." Naruto said wryly, turning back to Sasuke who stared past him, not wanting to be caught in another intimate staring moment.
"I thought it was strange, you make an enemy of me when I knew better than anyone what it... must be like for you."
"That you knew anything about me is a surprise." Naruto said blandly, but it was softened.
Sasuke made it seem like he'd ignored it, but he knew he was making Naruto relax more than he should.
He found that he didn't have to lie about any of it; It was what it was, and it reminded him of how weak he'd once been. His gut felt tied in knots having to rehash all these things that were so irrelevant now. But that was then, this was now - and he'd dredge it all up and use it to his advantage if he had to.
"I'm never going to say this again, so you better listen, dobe." Sasuke had let the old insult slip accidentally like old routine, but he didn't miss the tiny millisecond trace of smile that played on Naruto's face.
"You actively didn't want me... unlike everyone else. I was prepared to reject you, but you didn't even try... I wondered if it was different for you, because you never had anyone, maybe... Maybe it wasn't as bad for you. But that's not.. "
He paused, contemplating whether he should say it or not.
"-that's not the truth... I told myself that, but I saw that you weren't okay sometimes.. but the next minute you were doing something reckless again and I wondered if I imagined it, so I kept watching... But I didn't want to think about you. If I could ignore that you felt like me at all..." he trailed off.
Naruto was absolutely silent and attentive, eyes wide. Searching Sasuke's face for some hint that he was lying, but couldn't find any.
"And anyway, you were challenging everything all the time and not caring that nobody wanted you to try, or even cared if you succeeded, laughing the whole time. It made it easier to pretend the same things that you were, that you were just fine without anybody, even if I knew that you couldn't be. No one could. To... to even the Hokage, you- idiot..." he frowned, but his eyes softened almost imperceptibly at the memories.
"To do all that... In your way I knew you were much stronger than the others. Annoying, stupid.... but strong. Really strong." he admitted. "And also I..."
Sasuke paused. Annoyed with himself for wanting to continue, and for what he was revealing. Surely this much wasn't necessary.
"...felt that I was reaffirmed that I didn't need anyone to become stronger when I watched you.."
When had he begun staring at the hand pressed against the idiot's chest?
"because you... didn't." he finished lamely.
Realising what he'd said, Sasuke actually looked a mixture of vaguely horrified and shocked to realise how similar their thoughts had been back then. He hadn't allowed himself to think about them since he'd first had them really, not wanting to be distracted. He'd been angry with himself for being so pathetic, and trying to find comfort in other people instead of focusing on his goal. Now he just felt.. deflated.
Naruto actually smiled this time, genuinely, just a little. "Hah, you know it feels good. To hear that, even if it changes nothing now.. It's... yeah. Thanks."
Naruto as if suddenly realising for the first time that he was forcibly holding Sasuke's hand over his heart, looked down at it awkwardly.
"How do you do it?"
"Huh?" he looked up as though caught, but he didn't let go.
"You make people talk... I have to kill you, I want to and need to. But.. you're talking, and it won't change anything."
Ignoring the death threat, Naruto answered truthfully. "Heh, most people want to talk... People need to, I just give them plenty of opportunity. But you are much more difficult... You're still so... well you know what I think about what's going on with you... I wondered if you were lying to me just now. You'd do that. I know you would, but you weren't... Still, one wrong word and you're going to try and take me out again."
"..." Would I? Even now? He wasn't so sure. Even if he didn't want to, that wasn't the point. He HAD to.
Noticing the internal battle, Naruto smirked. "Volatile. It'd be nice to talk to you and not think I might be defending my life the next second." he sighed.
"..." he's vulnerable. I've recovered enough, can I get the advantage?
"Oh for fucks sake, aren't you tired? We're both beat the hell up, I don't know if I can even move." Naruto barked.
"The whole system is corrupt. It needs to be taken down. People should be punished." Sasuke felt backed into a corner all the sudden.
"Only those who knowingly did wrong." Naruto shot back. "The corruption. You don't want to believe me but things are changing. I don't blame you for Danzou... But for me, being Hokage isn't a ridiculous pipe dream anymore. I can change things. Don't you believe in me at all?"
"The fourth couldn't do anything -"
"But he tried, and he protected you. Be part of the council and help me. People do exist in the leaf that are trying! I'm one of them!."
"No! You're in the way. I can't trust them!"
"Then don't trust them, trust me!" he cried hurt and angry. The emotion was dampened, Naruto attempting to clamp down once again, but it was blatantly obvious.
It only fueled Sasuke's anger to finally see anything of real pain in him. He didn't want to listen, it made everything about his vengeance seem so.. irrelevant..
"I can't! I can't accept that you'd do these things for me after all I've done! And you would pardon me? Help me find justice?"
...
...
Angry black eyes bore into blue.
"Who would believe that, Naruto?!!!!" Sasuke shouted right in his face.
"How can you still question me?!" He shouted right back, close to blowing his top.
To hear all these wonderful words from Sasuke and now this all over again? He was furious at himself for softening, for letting Sasuke play with his mind until he started feeling things he didn't want, couldn't wholly reign in. He couldn't take it, but Sasuke wouldn't shut up.
"You expect me to believe that simple admiration warrants this?!..." Sasuke was near hysterical in his rage.
"-Simple comradery? Simple anything?!! I lost that privilege a long time ago!!!-"
"There's nothing simple about it!!!" Grabbing a fistful of Sasuke's shirt he yanked him forward forcefully. His face just barely apart from his, staring with a burning anger that was also terribly conflicted.
"Fuck, Sasuke! I just...-Fuck it-"
He forced his lips against Sasuke's, but lets go immediately; Actually shoving Sasuke away hard, dropping Sasuke's hand like he's been burned.
Sasuke manages to throw his hands out behind him, falling back onto them painfully. His mouth hangs slightly open, the feeling of heat on his lips lingering. His eyes are as wide as saucers in complete shock. Their connection broken so suddenly, the loss of body heat...
Naruto furrows his brow, clearly distressed. He puts a hand shakily through his hair.
"God damnit..." he hisses more to himself.
...