A WEIRD DAY
Audrey Hammond had just lived through the weirdest day of her life. She had been woken up at three in the morning by the sound of her upstairs neighbour blaring out experimental French rock music, while she simultaneously yelled Shakespeare quotes at the top of her voice.
When Audrey had finally gone back to sleep, she was later woken at seven by an argument between her downstairs neighbours, something about the husband dressing a horse as a clown for some reason that she didn't manage to overhear, and then said horse ending up stuck in one of the building's elevators.
At this point, she had made her way to her kitchen, only to look out the window and see a shirtless man wearing an Ultraman mask climbing up the opposite building. Having given up any hope of normalcy on this day, Audrey had eaten her breakfast of toast, before fixing her long, curly blonde hair and applying her makeup, and heading to work.
She had laughed at the bizarreness of this day when five men dressed in pink morph suits had ridden by on the busy roads of NYC on unicycles, juggling flaming torches. She had finally arrived at her office workplace in the heart of the city, only to see a Komodo dragon running down the street as harassed zookeepers pursued it.
Just what was with today, she had thought as she had entered the building. New York could be a strange city, for sure, but this day was taking the cake. Though she was amused by this weird string of incidents, her humour began to wear thin over the course of the workday.
First of all, the coffee machine had decided to dispense some kind of thick, glowing slime instead of coffee. Then a visitor put on a chicken hat and went on the rampage, trashing several offices before a few of her colleagues managed to restrain the man and had the police come to take him away. Then Maria had brought in a box of doughnuts for everyone that exploded, literally exploded, for no reason at all. It had taken an hour to get rid of all the cream and jam in the reception.
Audrey had found herself seething with anger when Mark and Hank had burst from the vents covered in glue and feathers and yelling about tacos, and she nearly screamed when a monkey in a business suit had appeared from nowhere, settled on her desk, and lit a cigarette.
How in the living hell did a monkey get in here, and why the fuck does it smoke? She had thought. An eccentric business partner of the company had come to reclaim the monkey, who was apparently named Gustav.
Audrey was glad for her shift to end when the kitchens had spontaneously combusted and fireworks had flown out of it. Why there were even fireworks in the kitchens, she didn't know, and at this point she didn't care. Now she walked her way home, and to her sweet relief, nothing bizarre happened.
She stopped to grab a quite bite to eat at a sandwich bar, feeling herself finally start to relax a little. This day had no excuse to be as strange as it had been. No day in her life had ever been this weird. She had found it funny at first, but as the day progressed, it had driven her crazy.
She received a text from Marissa, asking if she wanted to hang later, but Audrey decided against it. After today, she just wanted to go home, take a long, relaxing bath, lie on the couch and stick on some mindless TV. She needed to unwind.
As she went on the rest of her walk home, still no strange things happened, thank Christ. She turned into her regular shortcut, a series of dirty alleyways leading through some dingy old 1930's apartment blocks. As she went through the alleys, going past the familiar dumpsters and piles of trash bags, she couldn't help but wonder, just what the hell could possibly make this day weirder?
A loud roar answered that question in an instant. Adrenalin and panic kicked in as she turned around and saw a horrifying monster standing above her on the old metal stairwells of an apartment block. Her eyes broadened in horror as she took the thing in, noticing that it had a vaguely humanoid shape and posture, only with grey, slimy skin, clawed hands and feet, a long, salamander-like tail, a wrinkled, brain-like cranium, an eyeless, noseless face, and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. The thing pounced from it spot above her, landing a few metres away from her.
"Gargus manthru kataarum", it said in a harsh, growling voice.
"W-what… the fuck", Audrey said, gawping at the monster. This day had definitely gotten weirder, in just about the worst way possible.
Then the beast took chase, charging at her with a howl of rage. The adrenalin finally took effect, and Audrey ran harder and faster than she ever had, winding through the last few alleyways, the monster practically breathing down her neck as it chased her.
"Andrus mar, vetrisium naak", it yelled.
Finally, Audrey reached the last alleyway. It was a long stretch to the exit, but if she could just get out into the open, maybe she would be safe. This hope was quickly dashed, however, when the creature jumped into the air and landed in front of her.
Audrey froze, staring helplessly as the thing extended its clammy hands towards her, its jaws opening wide as black saliva drooled out.
"HEY, BUTTFACE", someone yelled.
The monster, and Audrey, looked up to see a long haired, twenty-five year old brunette woman leap from the stairwells above, landing in front of the monster and planting a kick firmly in its chin. The creature fell on its back, screeching in rage and pain. Audrey flattened herself against the alley wall. The woman who had just appeared was dressed in a sky blue skirt and a rainbow coloured sweater, both of them covered in dirt and streaks of blood.
"What the…" Audrey said, but the woman didn't seem to notice her presence.
The monster used its tail to prop itself up, rising to its feet once more. It lunged at the woman, swiping its clawed hands at her. She ducked and dodged its attacks, panting, a trickle of blood flowing from her forehead.
"I've had enough of your junk, you gross, creepy jerk", she said.
"Rhy'kasa, Ithiel torum naak", the monster replied. "Balra Tuum, tai-ect man-du".
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING", the woman shrieked exasperatedly as she sank her fist into the monster's slimy face.
Audrey watched on as the two fought, her mind blank. How was any of this possible?
The monster sent out a flurry of swipes, some of them hitting their mark, the woman wincing as sharp claws tore her skin. Despite this, she kept up an assault of her own. She displayed a great proficiency for martial arts as she successfully landed a series of punches and kicks into the creature. But though her assault would have knocked any human senseless, the creature seemed unaffected, and finally it landed two hard punches into the woman's stomach, sending her reeling. The beast grabbed her and threw her against the wall opposite to Audrey. For a second she thought the woman was doomed, but next second she had grabbed a metal pipe, recovered, and started repeatedly whacking the monster around its head.
"DIE, DIE, DIE", the woman yelled, a wild, feverish look in her brown eyes.
Finally the monster seemed to succumb to its blows, falling into unconsciousness. Despite this, the woman kept whacking.
"Mabel", a distant male voice suddenly called.
The woman, named Mabel apparently, perked up in recognition at the voice, holding the pipe mid-air, having been mid-whack.
"Dipper!" she yelled, dropping the pipe and turning her attention to a manhole a few metres away from where she stood.
"Dipper, are you down there?" Mabel called.
"Yes, open the door, quick!" this Dipper person called, his voice still distant.
Mabel urgently tapped several bolts on the manhole in a specific order. After she had done so, the bolts all lit up, and with a hiss, the manhole swung open, revealing a deep, dark hole, an old metal ladder leading down into the blackness.
"Here Mabel", Dipper called, "use this".
Some kind of device was hurled out of the hole. It looked like a nail gun, only obsidian black, and covered in strange, glowing letters. Mabel gasped in joy at the sight of it.
"Perfect", she said breathlessly, an enormous toothy grin spreading across her face as she snatched up the device.
"Um… can I ask…" Audrey said in a shaky voice.
Before Mabel could even notice her presence, however, the monster came to, roaring hatefully as it rose to its feet again. It caught sight of Mabel and charged towards her.
"DIE, MONSTER JERK, DIE", she shrieked, firing the strange gun repeatedly. Several small, thin black needles shot out of it, hitting the monster. The creature came to an immediate halt, its roar cut off midway through. For a few moments, it simply spasmed and jerked. Then, it let out a horrifying screech of agony.
In the space of a few seconds, the monster's entire form melted into a puddle of black, bubbling goop, foul smelling steam rising from it.
"Ew", Mabel said, her face crumpling in disgust. "Still not used to that".
A series of heaving grunts and gasps emerged from the manhole, grabbing Mabel's attention. She raced over, lending a hand to the man emerging from it, pulling him out as he reached the top bar of the ladder. He collapsed on the ground, panting and wheezing. Audrey, still plastered to the alley wall in shock, noticed that this man, evidently Dipper, looked extremely similar to Mabel, his face like a male copy, his eyes and hair the exact same colour as hers. He was dressed in a raggedy old black trench coat and a blue and white pine tree trucker hat, all of it covered in filth and blood smears.
"You okay, bro-bro?" Mabel said concernedly as she helped him to his feet.
"No", Dipper wheezed. "None of me is okay".
"Do you have the bomb thingy?" Mabel said.
Dipper nodded, and pulled out a metal orb from his inner coat pocket. It was then that an unholy, monstrous wail emerged from the manhole tunnel. It came from deep below, sounding like it was miles beneath them, but a sound being made by something enormous, and terrifying. Both Dipper and Mabel wore expressions of abject horror at the sound.
"DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT", Mabel yelled.
"On it", Dipper said, panic etched in his voice. He pressed several spots on the bomb, each spot lighting up as he touched it. Finally, the whole thing lit up. Dipper threw the orb into the tunnel as hard as he could and kicked the manhole shut. The two of them watched in tense silence for several minutes, Audrey still backed against the wall as if her life depended on it.
"Um, can I just…", she said, but once again, she was cut off, as the sudden sound of an enormous explosion sounded from deep below. It was only quiet by the time it reached their eyes, but it was obviously a huge blast. A brief blue glow burst out of the sealed manhole, followed by a puff of smoke. Dipper and Mabel breathed identical sighs of relief.
"It's over", Dipper said.
"That was the worst", Mabel muttered. "Everything about that was the worst".
"Yep", Dipper agreed. "But it's over. That… horrible place is destroyed forever. Forever", he repeated, as if to reassure himself.
The two of them glanced at one another, then pulled each other into what looked to Audrey like the tightest hug ever given. Then, to her surprise, they both burst out into uncontrollable nervous laughter.
"Oh man, they had better pay us extra for this", Dipper said.
"If they don't, then I think we should go on super mega strike", Mabel said.
They remained in silence for a few moments, staring at the manhole.
"So, you hungry?" Dipper said.
"Starving", Mabel said, that broad grin returning again.
"Hotdogs?" Dipper said.
"Hotdogs", Mabel readily agreed.
"Let's go, sis".
Still laughing weakly, the two of them looped their arms together and walked away, vanishing into the exit of the alleyway. Audrey stayed right where she was as they left, her blank mind slowly forming solid thoughts. This made all the other weird shit she had seen today look mundane and normal.
"What?" she said at last, her voice wavering. "Just… just… WHAT? How, why, when, where, what, WHAT? What even… I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW".