[Quick Authors' Note]
Why, hello, and welcome to our story!
This account is basically consisted of two authors (well, for this story, anyway). I am Xiety and my co-worker here is Diety! Cleverly splitting up the pen name, how awesomely clever are we?
Xiety: Hello, and welcome to my second story. Diety here will be helping me, and may be helping me with other stories, too. Anyways, enjoy and review.
Diety: 'ULLO, DURRR, GOV'NA! I am female. Xiety is male. Not sure why I mentioned it, just thought people would maybe like to know if I ever say something strangely feminine and you begin to think, "Hmm, that Diety is definitely smoking something strange or perhaps not a boy." Anyways... enjoy? Or, at least, try to.
Disclaimer: LoZ (and its characters) do not belong to us. If it did, there would be a lot less sales.
Chapter 1
The Misadventure Begins
"So, this is the legendary Four Sword, originally the Picori Blade? The sword that duplicates a person?" a boy in a green skirt - er, tunic - asked. We'll call him Link. Maybe because that is really his name, but nonetheless, we're calling him that.
"Yup," replied a blonde girl. We'll call her Princess Zelda, because she is a princess and a Zelda.
"And it is to be used only in emergencies, you say?"
"That's about it."
"Well, alright, then. Just wanted to make sure I've got that down," he shrugged. "Hey, why are you even showing me this-?"
"MUAHAHAHA!" a rather large, flying, purple sea-urchin screeched.
"That's why," she replied bluntly.
(Insert a lengthy battle cry here before the introduction of our villain.) "I AM HERE TO CAPTURE YOU, PRINCESS-!"
"Oh my god, shut up!" Link snapped at the sea-urchin.
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME, BOY! I'VE PRACTICED THIS FOR A LONG TIME AND I WANT TO GET IT RIGHT!"
"Well, nobody wants to hear it!"
"Ooooh, he went there," was Zelda's offhand comment.
"SHUT UP THE HELL UP! I'LL RAVAGE-!"
"Why is he speaking in caps? Does he know this?" no one in particular asked. Link will probably come to the conclusion that it is a disembodied voice, sometime later into the story.
"I AM FULLY AWARE OF THIS, DO YOU THINK I AM MENTALLY INADEPT?"
"Now, there's no need to shout," Link scolded.
"CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME DO MY DAMN JOB?"
"Okay, but I'm just saying, there's no need to-"
"YEAH, I THINK I GOT THE MESSAGE, THANKS."
"Just looking out for you," Link turned to Zelda. "Who is this prick, anyway?"
"This is Vaati, the wind mage whom was trapped within the Four Sword-"
"YEAH, AND YOU GUYS COULDN'T GIVE ME A PILLOW OR SOMETHING?"
"Still speaking in caps," Disembodied Voice said casually. "Not that I'd know why..."
"-who has evidently managed to escape the seal. Our bad."
"YES, I'VE ESCAPED THE SEAL, YOU WEAK, INSIGNIFICANT HUMANS! TIME FOR YOU TO ENDURE MY VICTORY DANCE!"
"Well, it can't get much worse than this," Link sighed.
"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, WHERE'D THAT BITCH GO?"
Link looked about and noticed Zelda's absence as well, then pointed toward an irrelevant fat man. "There."
"LINK, YOU DUMB ASS! WHY DID YOU TELL HIM WHERE I WENT?" Zelda shrieked, stepping out from behind him.
"I'M BEING NICE! YOU SHOULD TRY IT FOR A CHANGE!" Link snapped. "Pfft, call me a dumb ass, will you…?"
Zelda was then carried away by the urchin which apparently had an arm (yes, an arm), flipping him off and screaming profanities at him along the way.
"Let's see, Zelda just screamed inappropriate things at me and I'm totally broke and alone... not to mention the fact that I probably won't be able to bring her home before curfew. Sounds like an emergency to me!" Link heroically marched up to the pedestal and yanked the Four Sword out, only to be sorely disappointed that he was unable to lift it above his head triumphantly in a most cliché manner, mainly because it was so damn heavy. The weight of the blade had him falling face-first into the dirt.
Out of thin air had appeared three other Links, all alike (surprise, surprise) aside from the fact that their skirts were red, blue, and violet (apparently, purple is incorrect). We'll call them Red, Blue, and Violet, respectively, because "Red Link" would be quite a mouthful.
"No, it wouldn't," said Disembodied Voice.
Just for that, we're now calling you DV.
DV said nothing.
"Jesus, that's sad," Blue frowned, looking down on Link.
"Don't say that, it's probably the first time he's ever held a sword," Violet the ever-so-kind-and-possibly-gay defended.
"Yes, but, even so..." Blue shrugged.
"LULZ! You have a girl name!" Red pointed at Violet, laughing his little arse off. Violet scowled, most unappreciative of this comment. I suppose we should call the small, gay one Vio for short. Poor guy.
Link grunted as he got up and dragged the sword around by the hilt. "How do you guys carry these?"
"You put it in your hand and hold it, numbnuts," Red snorted. "It's simple."
"Just because it's simple, that doesn't mean it's easy!" Vio the ever-so-helpful-and-definitely-gay said, jumping to Link's side again.
"Simple means easy, genius."
"No, it doesn't."
"I'm not going to waste my time to argue with an idiot!" Red retorted.
"Okay guys, let's go save Princess Zelda," Link interjected. "I've gotta get her home before midnight, pretty sure that's when all princesses have to be home, otherwise her dad might think we've been... canoodling..."
"I love Mr. Canoodles!" Vio piped up. Blue face-palmed of epic proportions.
"Now I'm hungry," Red barked.
"Yes, we should eat so we have energy for the long and strenuous journey ahead of us," Link said. "Naw, I'm kidding. I'm just a fat ass and will take any excuse to put off doing work."
"I guess Vio and I will spar while you guys go eat," Blue said.
"Alright, just don't wrestle or anything, he may get... overexcited."
Vio fumed. "I AM NOT GAY!" He then proceded to sit upon a nearby log and apply lip-gloss.
"Those squirrels were very delicious," Link commented.
"Yeah, but personally I thought the old lady was the best," Red added.
"Oh, yes, very tender meat. The heart was delectable."
"I very much enjoyed the small instestine - HOLY MOTHER OF NIPPLES!"
"What, has it just occured to you what horrific and vile excuses for people we are for ingesting a human being? 'Cause I think it's starting to hit me."
"No, look!" he pointed toward a very much conscious Vio and a very much unconscious Blue.
"FRIENDS!" Vio giggled as he skipped over, wearing a daisy chain and placing one each on Link and Red. "You were gone so long, I was SO worried..."
Red removed his daisy chain instantly and stuffed it into Vio's mouth. "What the hell went down over here?"
"Blue and I had a lovely sparring match and the better man won, I suppose," he managed to reply after swallowing flowers.
"Better woman won," Link corrected. Red nodded.
"Aren't you supposed to be delicate and girly?" Red pressed on.
"Yes, but I can kick ass."
"Cool."
"Ugh... What happened?" Blue asked, arousing.
"Haha, arousing," DV snickered.
SHUT UP!
"Never mind that, let's just get going," Link huffed. "We have to find Zelda soon because I'm pretty sure Vaati's perverted or whatever, he said something about ravaging-"
"QUESTION!" Red interrupted. "Where the hell is this Vaati? And the Zelda chick?"
"... You make an excellent point."
"I make everything excellent."
"Well, I suppose we could use this rather large semi-truck which the author has placed conveniently in our midst for our use," Blue said, pointing at a large semi-truck which was conveniently placed in their midst for their use.
"Great! Good work, Blue."
He shrugged nonchalantly. "I try."
Thanks for reading! Reviews, please? We will update as frequently as possible. It's not our fault we have lives, we're just ridiculously popular... with Nintendo characters...