This is How You Remind Me, a torchwood fanfic

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

I tried to be a scholar. I failed. I tried to be a con-man. I failed. It didn't matter where I was or who I was with if it wasn't you, I'd always fail. The truth is: I never really wanted to succeed without you. And when you left I thought I would never succeed again.

Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feelin

But I got tired real quick. There was nothing fun about the universe with you not in it. I couldn't love anyone because you were all I'd ever truly loved. I couldn't forget you, couldn't drown you out, and couldn't do anything with you except having you sit there, always right behind me but just out of reach.

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

But when I saw you, I felt myself come alive again. I could feel the old spark, lit again and dancing brightly. You were still the man I knew and I still loved you.

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

I hoped you still saw me as the same man. You certainly acted as thought you did, until your friends came into the room.

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story

I was shocked when you apologised. You said you were sorry. I almost laughed out loud. It was so absurd. I could never think of you saying sorry to anyone.

This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'

But you didn't care. I swore my love for you and you pushed it aside. You had your latest play toy. You didn't need me.

I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle

When I saw you I started everything again. The drink, the drugs, the sex, the murder. You brought it all out in me. But you'd outgrown it. You no longer touched the bottle I gave you, laughed as you took with me, let me fuck you into oblivion or join in a murder craze like the old days.

Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no

It was wrong. Totally and utterly wrong. We hadn't been made to be leaders of some secret police on a backward little planet like earth. We had been made as the coolest, sexiest race in the galaxy. This was so... downward.

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do

It's not like you were blind. You could see my love for you. Hell, I wore it on my sleeve at one point but no, you wouldn't leave your little band. You thought they were more important than me and that hurt.

It must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

It must have been so boring for you living with me if you've found more fun on earth of all places. It must have been really bad. That is what I said to you telepathically when you are falling.

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

You speak of all my faults, all my weaknesses, all my wrongs. Every word is like a blow to my heart.

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

You lay it out, plain and simple why you would never be with me. Why you would never want to.

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story

Although you apologise at the end of it, it doesn't make it any better. You've ripped me to sheds and even though I've shown you that you've broken me you can't see it. You can't see me.

This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'

I wish I had never come here. I wish I were I million miles away. I hate it here.

I've been wrong; I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle

I think I drank the entire bar when I slipped back there to drown by sorrows. The bar tender came in. I shot him. I took none of my usual pleasure in the task. I couldn't without you here with me.

Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no

I felt like shoving one of the bottles down your throat and making you drink it. Had you left behind all the pleasures of our old life? It certainly seemed like it.

Never made is as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

I can't make it as a clever guy without you. I can't be a successful con-man without you.

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me

And you tell me, face to face, out loud...

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

You shout at me...

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

"I don't want you. You're not enough."

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story

Again you apologise afterwards but it has a dead ring in the air now. How many times can you say one thing before it loses all meaning?

This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'

I gave you my heart and you broke it. You know what you have done and still, you turn me away.

I've been wrong; I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle

I won't survive this. I know it. I can hear you, dancing in my head. You're laughing.

Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no

Laughing...

Mad.