Apparently me working a twelve hour overnight shift means that I am going to pump out quite a few fanfics. I apologize for overloading everyone in advance. Um, also, this is a drastic difference from the fic I posted a few hours ago titled "Hips Don't Lie". It seems that my angst muse has returned. My apologies for any and all tears that this fic may cause.s
The lyrics used in this fic are "Fact Fiction" by Mads Langer.
Disclaimer: Castle and its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. "Fact Fiction" belongs to Mads Langer.
Imagine a world without me,
Say you're falling apart.
Let's pretend you've missed me for a while.
Wouldn't you say you were lonely,
And love was breaking your heart?
Put on your Sunday best and fake a smile.
I dream of dreaming dreams of her,
In twilight she's a constant blur,
The picture's clear,
And I'm still fact, she's fiction.
The antique clock on the mantel piece ticked loudly, the only sound filling the otherwise chilling silence in Castle's office. There was no ticking of keys on his laptop, no zing of lazer tag markers, no laughter. There was only a silence that was only describable as deafening.
He sat with his feet propped up on the desk, laptop teetering precariously on his legs, and his fingers clenched in a death grip around a crystal scotch glass. He stared into space, not looking at anything in particular, but letting his mind run away with him. One of the down falls to being a writer was that any thought he had, any sick idea that he entertained, was magnified by a thousand times.
He slammed the computer shut with much more force then necessary, tossing it onto the polished Oak desk. It had been nearly seven weeks since he set foot in the precinct. The deadline for the new Nikki Heat had originally been the only excuse that he needed to avoid them. To avoid her. But the date had long since passed, and the daily phone calls from the boys reminded him that eventually he was going to have to own up to the reason he was sitting here by himself, drinking scotch at three in the afternoon.
He wanted to forget. He wanted to stop reliving the past three years. It was like Kate had told him, he was 'the school's funniest kid', and he was finally being honest with himself, he knew that he would never be enough. He hadn't been enough for Meridith, or Gina. He was never 'enough', he was always the stepping stone to finding the man that was enough. He was always the meaningless fling that led women to finding the man that they would spend the rest of their life with. Their 'one and done'. And, frankly, Richard Castle was tired of being the doormat. He would no longer allow the women that he cared about to walk all over him and then expect him to accept them with open arms when it suited them.
Remember the night you were with me,
Fell asleep by my side.
Strangers together,
Your hand in mine.
How come we never get closer,
When all the stars were aligned?
I thought we had a moment.
I dream of dreaming dreams of her,
In twilight she's a constant blur.
The picture's clear,
And I'm still fact, she's fiction.
I seem to miss the missing part,
She's still my favorite work of art.
He stood a little too quickly, the alcohol causing his head to swim, and he gripped the leather arm on his chair to steady himself before making his way to the door, throwing his brown coat on. He pulled the door to his apartment building open and stepped into the cold New York air. Snow flakes swirled wildly around him and he was filled with the sound of his mother's voice from when he was a boy.
"Every snow flake is different, Richard. Just like people, no two will ever be the same. But, when you find someone that is your polar opposite, that's when you find someone that will stand by you for the rest of your life. It takes someone that you would think you couldn't stand to balance you out and make your life complete. Never forget that, dear."
He almost laughed at the irony. He had remembered that all through his childhood, into high school, college, and of course through his rise to fame. Then he had finally found the woman that he was sure was supposed to stand by him for the rest of his life, and she had slipped through his fingers. The biggest mistake of his life was not owning up to his feelings for Beckett the moment he realized them.
Castle wasn't quite sure how far he had walked before his cell phone began ringing. Pulling it out of his pocket he saw his daughter's smiling face lighting up the screen.
"Hey, Pumpkin." He greeted, his voice void of the happiness that should have been there. He should cherise every moment that he got to speak with Alexis since she was away at Stanford.
"Hey, Dad. I was just calling to see how you're doing." Castle was silent, not quite sure how to answer the question. Hell, he didn't even know how he was doing half of the time. "Gina called and told me that you met your final deadline for 'Cold Heat'."
"Yeah, I sent her the manuscript a few weeks ago. Yours is in the mail, should be there any day now. You know the rules." He forced a chuckle, if for nothing else then to appease Alexis. He had titled the last installment of the Heat series 'Cold Heat', because that was the driving force for the writing. He didn't follow Kate for most of the production, though he had cranked out the majority of it within a few weeks.
"That's good, Dad. It'll be good for you to move on to something else." He heard someone calling to Alexis in the background noise as he walked past a florist's shop, peeking in and glaring at the lillies. They were always Kate's favorite flowers. "I have to go, Dad. Study group. But you know the number if you need me?" Rick wasn't sure if it was meant to be a statement of a question.
"Yes, enjoy yourself pumpkin. I'll be fine. I love you."
"I love you too. Talk to you soon." He slid his phone back into his pocket and let his feet lead him towards the center of town. He set foot inside the sacred ground of the cemetary cautiously.
No, nothing has changed,
'Cause I'm still fact, she's fiction.
Or, I may be imperfectly formed in this conradiction.
I dream of dreaming dreams of her,
In twilight she's a constant blur,
The picture's clear,
I'm still fact, she's fiction.
He walked through the cemetary, the fresh snow crunching under his feet, until he came to the headstone that read 'Roy Montgomery'.
"Hey, Captain." He whispered into the stillness of the air. "Wish I could give you an update on how the precinct is doing, but...well, I haven't been back. Not since that day. Esposito and Ryan told me that they found the guy that shot Kate. I...I wish that you could be here. The boys could really use you these days. I'll give them your best." He brushed the snowflakes from the marble headstone and walked further into the cemetary.
When he reached the farthest end of the tombstones he fell to his knees, not caring that the snow seeped into his jeans and froze him. Tears gathered behind his closed eyelids and he let them fall. He had given up that little shred of pride that wouldn't let him cry some time ago.
"Hey, Kate." He whispered, running his fingers over her name engraved into the stone lightly. "I miss you a lot today. I wish you could be here to tell me what I'm supposed to do next, cause I honestly have no idea." Silence. "I finished the Nikki Heat books, I even brought you an advanced copy." He laid a book on the head stone. "I hope you like it. I wrote it how it should have happened. Rook saved her, he got to Nikki in time. I should have done that. I should have saved you. I am so sorry." He placed a kiss on the headstone.
It had been seven weeks since he stepped into the precinct. Seven weeks since the love of his life had gone limp in his hands. Since he saw the lights go out. He curled up on the ground in front of her, gently touching her name once again, and let the snow seep into his bones. He let his eyes close lightly, and not for the first time in past seven weeks he secretly prayed that they wouldn't open.
I fell in love with her longing,
Let's just say that she never found out,
Who it was she never found in me.
I am no quite sure how I feel about this fic. I feel as though it needed to be written, but it makes me sad. Hmm. Anywho, please review, I'd love to hear any and all thoughts any one has.