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A/N:
- I am a NON NATIVE English Speaker, so please criticise my errors kindly and I will hear every suggestion for improvement.
- Unfortunately my Beta Reader couldn't continue the admittedly daunting task of tackling this huge story. I thank her for the chapters she managed to correct. I am still giving her a big shout out, so go check out her stories at u/9011622/LissaDream!
- If any beta readers are interested in helping me gloss over this story I'd be more than happy to meet you through a PM *.*
"Silence creates either distance or comfort. The heart chooses which"
"Silence is the most powerful scream"
"Sometime silence has more meaning than a thousand words"
Another failure
One, two, three…he began drifting away feeling his breath constricting. Four, five, six….if only he could last until he lost count then everything would be okay. Twenty-one, twenty-two…the water was cold around him and he didn't want to open his eyes to see the darkness. Sixty-nine, seventy…his lungs wanted to draw in air desperately and he clenched his teeth denying them. One hundred and ten, one hundred and eleven…he was just on the brink of losing consciousness, his fingers cold and stiff. One hundred and fifty…so that is what drowning felt like…one hundred and ninety. Two hundred…and his legs kicked involuntarily one more time betraying him. He surfaced and when he opened his mouth, he inhaled desperately – clinging onto life again. His hands slapped the water surface as punishment for his repeated failure, and he began coughing and inhaling and coughing again as he swam towards the shore.
His hand clenched through the weeds and grasped at the mud to get a hold of something that would help him out of this watery grave. He heard a distant frog croaking through his insistent coughing and felt vomit coming up his throat.
Heavy footsteps thundered close by and a deep voice exclaimed "Not again!" Severus pulled his wet and cold body out of the lake and leaned his cheek on the mud closing his eyes. His breath had eased out, but the coughing kept coming and with it the need to empty his stomach.
"At it again Professur?" the half giant asked. Severus felt a huge hand landing on his back. Someone picked him up easily and turned him to the side. "Now, spit it all out".
Severus pushed the helping hand away and tried to glare at Hagrid, but he failed miserably. He pushed up on his elbow and another coughing fit engulfed him, and with it came all the water he swallowed. Hagrid patted his back and kept his very long hair out of the way
"That's it, better out tha' in" Hagrid said as Severus emptied the last drops and fell to the ground, exhausted.
"What devil got yeh again?" Hagrid asked and tried to pull him to a sitting position. Something that Severus denied by pushing the huge palm away and lying down.
"Yeh won't speak, righ'?"
Severus shook his head dejected and closed his eyes. He wanted to turn and tell Hagrid to fuck off, but he opted to keep his mouth sealed. Instead he winced and turned his back to the half giant while trying to get a good footing in order to stand up.
"Righ', I'm callin' Charity," Hagrid said and Severus managed a swift turn that made him dizzy.
"NO!" He croaked with an unused voice that barely resembled his own. A strong shudder run through his spine when he heard that abhorrent sound in place of his deep, impressive voice. Tears pricked his eyes and he closed them trying to push back the need to cry. His palm landed protectively around his neck, where Nagini had torn his skin, and with it his vocal chords, four years ago. His fingers traced the fabric of the turtleneck to make sure that he was covered and then he gestured at Hagrid to go away.
"Yeh know I am not leaving yeh. Come on, let me help yeh up." Hagrid grabbed his arm and, before Severus had the chance to react, pulled him up. Severus glared at him threateningly, pulled his arm away, and staggered to a safer distance. "Yeh sure yeh won' let me call Charity?" Hagrid repeated.
Severus raised a finger at him and looked at the giant man warningly, but didn't open his mouth again. The loss of his voice was only one of the many things the war took away from him, but not the most important. Still, he didn't want to listen to himself if he could help it. He missed the voice that had served him so well prior to the war. Especially when he needed to control his emotions and the emotions of everyone around him. He had mastered the manipulation of his old voice. He knew how to change its pitch in order to elicit fear and respect. Now he was left with an insufferable croak to express himself with. The loss was almost unbearable.
I guess that's as good a punishment as any, he thought. Inside his mind his voice still held that velvety thickness that made students quiver in their shoes when it was used against them. Inside his head, it still held that respectful weight in its depth that made foes and allies alike keep their distance.
He heard a branch behind him crack suddenly and he closed his eyes. He tried to draw back the magic that escaped him unwillingly in his emotional breakdown.
"Professur, yeh are doin' it again," Hagrid said and took a couple of steps back.
I know you bloody fool, he thought and clenched his teeth and fists, pulling back the magic that was flowing around him. Hagrid looked at the thick branch behind Severus and saw it bend as if some invisible arm was pulling it down. "Charity can help yeh, let me get 'er please!" he said.
Severus opened his palm and shook his crooked fingers with rage in front of Hagrid. He mouthed an expressive "NO" and kept on trying to control his magic from breaking the branch. Suddenly, the branch was released from his telekinetic grip and shot upwards, shedding a rain of leaves down to them. Hagrid signed in obvious relief. "Thank the Gods!"
Severus staggered back a couple of feet and leaned his back on the bark of the tree closing his eyes.
He had denied himself the ability to control magic through a wand four years ago when he had awoken from a coma, deciding to live like a squib. However, being unable to control the jolts of magic that escaped him when he was emotionally overburdened was not a side effect he had counted on. The longer he continued to not use magic, the larger effect he had on the world through the suppressed force within him. Not that this loss was the biggest he suffered in that war, either.
He gestured at Hagrid to go away and covered his eyes. His wet clothes weighed heavy on his thin frame. He was trembling slightly.
"All right, yeh don' wan' Charity. Wan' ter come ter me house for a bevvy? It will help warm yeh up." Hagrid suggested with a warm smile under his huge beard.
Severus shook his head in denial and pushed away from the tree, intending to walk back to the damned school and bury himself in his small chamber behind the main library. It was dead of night, so he was not needed to be on post yet. He still had a good six hours before he would have to get up and open the library doors for the staff. Another two days until the school would open it's gates to the new and old dunderheads once again. Two steps down the path and a wave of vertigo overran him. Two huge hands grabbed him and kept him up. He pressed his lips together in frustration and pushed Hagrid away one more time.
"Yeh can barely stand. Come with me, or I go fer Charity. Or worse – fer Minerva." Hagrid warned.
Severus bared his teeth and offered him a deadly glare as he turned around and walked in front of Hagrid towards the man's wooden cabin. He didn't want to worry Charity, and he didn't want Minerva to bother with him at all. The shame of having to work on parole at the school was enough of a burden. As if anyone had given him a proper choice at that. It was either this or undergoing a trial – possibly facing a sentence in Azkaban. His freedom could have been deemed the biggest loss of the war…but no, that was not it either. Minerva asked him to be a Professor again, but he adamantly denied. Silently, he had ordered a quill to write on parchment, telling her that he would either take Filch's old job as Caretaker, or work in the apothecary. That was the last bit of magic he used. He requested that his job did not include extensive interaction with either staff or students. Minerva gave him the position of Study Hall overseer and Librarian since Madam Irma Pince had retired after the war.
"There we are, see? Tha' was not so difficult righ'?" Hagrid said behind his back.
Severus looked up at the well known cabin Hagrid had managed to build again after it was burned down before the war. The half giant overtook him easily and unlocked the door, beckoning him inside. The raw smell of meat and hot fire attacked his sensitive senses and he winced.
"Come in!" Hagrid smiled and Severus walked in feeling defeated on all fronts. He strode warily towards the fireplace and dumped himself on the floor cross legged, he had no strength left to refuse Hagrid's help. He was shivering from the cold and from the shock, and now his empty stomach was rumbling noisily.
"Make yerself comfortable. Care fer a bevvy?" Hagrid asked as he took off his heavy coat and dropped onto his threadbare easy chair. Fang yawned, got off the lounge, and walked lumberingly towards Snape. He head-butted his shoulder and then plopped himself next to him. Severus looked at him sideways and raised his hands to warm them by the fire. He nodded at Hagrid, feeling completely wasted. Another attempt to take his life had turned into a failure. He was not brave enough to manage that task. He had tried to kill himself by using potions, by drowning, and by jumping off a cliff. In each case his subconscious had taken over and saved him, extending his tormented life.
"Got some fire whiskey fer yeh. Drink it slow." Hagrid offered him a wooden mug that was filled to the brim with strong alcohol.
He reached out and took it with a trembling hand. Some of it spilled on Fang's back who looked up to Severus, uninterested. He closed his eyes and nodded a silent thank you as he tasted the liquor carefully. The first sip ran down his throat and warmed him up pleasantly. He sighed and raised the mug again, taking large gulps, not caring how quickly he was downing it. When there were only a few drops left at the bottom, he lowered it and inhaled with his eyes closed. Slowly, he felt his fingertips and toes warming up.
"I said drink it slow! Tha's not wha' yeh did!" Hagrid chastised him.
"No." He mouthed and shook his head. He placed the almost empty mug next to him and pulled off his muddy boots and wet shocks. He placed them next to the fire with ridiculous care and brought his feet closer to the heat to warm them.
"Yeh want me ter bring yeh a blanket?" Hagrid asked and sat down next to him. The floor of the cabin shook considerably.
He shook his head in denial again and looked at the blazing fire. One of his hands landed on Fang's back and he began stroking the dog without too much thought. Hagrid looked at him and smiled. "Fang always liked yeh".
Severus pressed his lips downwards and silence drew long between them, only the crackling of the fire and the occasional sip of Hagrid disturbed the surroundings. Severus's hands and feet got warm and a strong tingling sensation covered his body. His brain became foggy and muddled up and he knew the fire whiskey did its job which was more than he could have ever wished this night.
"Let me see this!" Suddenly Hagrid demanded and before he could react the half giant drew his left forearm up.
Severus realised what had worried Hagrid. The sleeve of his forearm was bloody. He tried to pull his arm back, but Hagrid had a good grip on it and pushed up the sleeve. Severus turned his head away and closed his eyes. Another loss of the war, although this one he deemed good. "Still bleedin' after all these years?" Hagrid was appalled.
"It never stopped." He spoke, not minding the loss of his voice now that he was slightly inebriated. When he was speaking low and he was not forcing it he could still hear faint traces of its former glory.
"Yeh should let Poppy look at it" Hagrid said and let go of his arm.
"I can heal it" he replied, feeling bone weary.
"Why don't yeh?"
He winced and drew his arm away from Hagrid. His eyes fell on the scar tissue that was seeping blood slowly in a couple of places. He had torn the dark mark off his forearm with a knife - the muggle way – after he had awoken from his coma, directly in front of Minerva and Poppy without feeling any remorse. The skin had healed nastily, but the magic of Voldemort ran deeper than a mere tattoo. It had kept the wound from fully healing even after all these years. Severus didn't want anyone to touch it with magic. He didn't want it to heal, it was another punishment he inflicted upon himself. He looked at the fire. "Do you have any bandages?" he asked emotionlessly.
"Sure, bide a minute" Hagrid said. He stood up and crossed the room, the floor under Severus shook.
He leaned his head on his knees and closed his eyes, needing to sleep. This most recent suicide attempt had emptied him of all emotion. He let the effect of the fire whiskey mellow out his rough edges and was starting to doze off when Hagrid's heavy boots shook the floors again and woke him.
"There yeh go." The large hand gave him a rather dirty looking bandage.
Severus gave him a thumbs up and took it. It was a quick job to tie it around his scar and then he lowered his sleeve, forgetting about it. Hagrid sat again next to him and resorted to silence, until he could bear it no more.
"What happen' back at the lake professur?"
"I slipped" Severus replied with obvious disdain, not taking his eyes from the fire.
"Yeh. Almost drowned."
Yes, almost. He exhaled and rubbed his forearm absent-mindedly.
"The Headmistress has given me strict orders ter watch out fer yeh." Hagrid continued. "I keep pullin' yeh out of all sorts of trouble."
Severus winced. McGonagall and her belated remorse had grated his patience constantly since his return to Hogwarts. All he wanted her to do was stay away from him, which he made evident to her immediately. She, apparently, had a deep seeded guilt and had tried to work her way back into his good graces by attempting to lure him in for a cup of tea, or checking on the library, or chasing after him for some small talk. In the end, she exceeded herself by employing Hagrid as his unspoken guardian. His dark disposition was constantly irritated by all those acts of kindness.
"Yeh know I have to report ter her what I saw 'ere tonight."
His body tensed at the idea of Minerva messing with him. She could get very persistent in her pursuits. He wanted her off his back, but at that moment he just didn't care. He shrugged his shoulders, disinterested. "Do what you have to." He spoke low, trying not to strain his vocal chords.
"So, I tell 'er you slipped?" Hagrid looked at him.
Severus nodded and kept his eyes on the orange flames.
Hagrid sighed and gulped his whiskey audibly. Then he lowered his head and looked at his fingers on his mug thoughtfully for a bit. "This war took more out of folk than we care ter admit."
Severus's back shuddered and his eyes flickered closed.
"I saw many of me friends die. Folk tha' deserved ter live, died. An' others tha' deserved death, lived." He continued.
Severus swallowed audibly.
"Others were left mangled. Neither livin' ner dead." Hagrid shifted and the floor trembled threateningly.
Severus looked at the half giant wordlessly, but his heart had already picked up speed.
"I've seen the mangled ones. Tryin' time an' time again ter take their own lives. I know yeh are tryin' ter do the same. We all know," Hagrid said and his voice sounded odd inside the walls of his cabin.
Severus's heart was awakened and screamed. It felt as if two hands were tearing it apart.
"The mangled ones cannot bare ter live in their own skin. I can feel 'em." Hagrid smiled sadly and rubbed his beard.
Severus pressed the heel of his palm on his forehead and squeezed his eyes tight, trying to block out all thought.
"In the beginnin' I tried ter do the same." Hagrid continued, oblivious to the emotional explosion that was brewing silently next to him "But there is hope yet."
"Where?" Severus intended that as an internal thought, so he was surprised when he voiced it.
"Everywhere around ye. In the sunrise an' sunset. In the livin' creatures an' the forest. In the air yer breathing"
Several cracks sounded around them simultaneously and Hagrid looked up to see all his glass pots getting fissures. He swallowed and looked back at his guest. "I know yeh tried to commit suicide again, Professur." He continued bravely as several pots cracked open and fell to the floor, emptying their contents. "Many mangled ones do. 'Ve seen it a lot…. promise me one thin'."
The remaining glass pots crashed to the floor and Hagrid twitched nervously, trying not to pay any attention to them. Some wooden mugs begun twisting out of shape and the broken glass on the floor was shaking quickly. Fang howled and looked around him "Come visit me every couple o' days fer a drink."
Severus felt the energy grounding so quickly that he exhaled audibly. He was sweating from the effort it took him to control his magic. He opened his eyes and looked back at the broken bottles. A wave of remorse touched him. He couldn't fix those bottles, not unless he used magic, and he didn't want to. He shook his head in denial and frowned. Hagrid turned and looked at them. "Ah don't worry I'll fix 'em."
"I am sorry." Severus rubbed his eyes and lowered his head.
"So, will yeh?"
He looked up at the half giant in momentary confusion.
"Come visit fer a drink. I don' get along with the new staff. Kind o' lonely out here."
"I'll come visit," he said. He returned his eyes to the popping flames, feeling emotional rawness from how close to the edge Hagrid's words had brought him again. He didn't understand why he would seek the older man's company when he wanted none.
His hand fell on the dog's back again and curled into the thick fur, emptying his mind and heart. Hagrid pushed himself up and Severus heard the swish of a broomstick behind him. He would have offered to take over cleaning the damage he inflicted if it wasn't for the fact that his legs wouldn't carry him far. Nevertheless, he pushed himself up and caught the ledge stone of the fireplace to keep himself from falling over.
"What are yeh doin'? Sit down!" Hagrid dropped the broom and supported him.
Severus raised his palm to stop Hagrid and closed his eyes. He wanted to explain his intentions to sweep his mess off the floor, but his exhaustion stopped him at the last minute. "I need to rest," he said, his voice breaking. He shivered at the sound.
"I'll help yeh, Professur," Hagrid said and tried to pull him away from the mantelpiece.
Severus shook his hand dismissively and pointed at the threadbare dirty couch. "May I?" he mouthed, feeling weak.
Hagrid smiled widely, picked him up with ease and brought him to the couch. "Sure yeh can. Lay down why don' yeh."
Severus was pushed into the couch and he laid down, unwilling to take a step towards his boots. He was so exhausted that he knew the simple task of walking back to his chamber was impossible. Without any words, Hagrid brought over a heavy duvet that smelled of goat cheese and covered him with it. Severus fingered the tourniquet on his forearm and, making sure it was dry, closed his eyes. He was thankful of the offer of warmth and rest. He was in no condition to pursue anything more complicated than that on this evening.
"I'm goin' ter check on the forest fer a while. Sleep if yeh want. No one will bother yeh. Fang will stand guard." Hagrid smiled compassionately.
Severus had already drifted into the world of dreams, away from the nightmare of his life. He didn't hear a word, neither did he wake when Hagrid finished cleaning all the broken bottles and closed the door behind as he left for the forest.
-.-
"Teddy, get off that tree!" Hermione cried, glaring at him. She was standing near the viaduct of Hogwarts, trying to get the devilish boy out of the tree for the last twenty minutes. Unfortunately, the weather had caught up with them. The sky was almost black and rain was falling heavy. Hermione had conjured a dry bubble around herself and Teddy, but she needed to get them inside soon. Minerva was expecting her this morning to introduce her to the staff.
"Why? I love it here! I can see the Quidditch field on the other side!" The boy yelled. He was five-years-old, taller than the average children of that age, with hair that changed it's color according to his moods, just like his late mother's.
"Because I came here to work and the Headmistress is waiting for us!" She tried to say calmly as her suitcase slipped from her grasp and landed on her foot. She howled in pain and kicked it, cursing.
"Granny says not to swear!" The boy jumped off the tree with ease and landed in front of her.
"Your gran is not your guardian for now, I am. And when I get pissed off, I swear!" She looked at him warningly.
"Why did I have to come, Auntie? I wanted to stay with granny Andromeda!" Teddy said, and came close making their dry bubbles connect. His hair turned dark blue.
"Your grandmother needed to attend some magical seminars and I offered to babysit you for sometime." Hermione tried hard to smile at the boy, even though her anxiety about the meeting with Minerva felt overwhelming. When she sent off her resume in various colleges around the country she didn't put Hogwarts on the list for a reason. Even though she loved the place where she spent seven years of her life, the recent events of the war had taken a heavy toll on her. She knew all her former Professors were still employed there. Moreover, that the press sweetheart and highly obscure Professor Snape was forced to work there on parole for ten years. All this had felt too heavy and too demanding to face so soon after the war. The problem was, she didn't stick to her original plan as intended and soon enough an owl was flying with a new resume straight for Minerva.
"I am not a baby!" The boy stomped his foot on the ground in anger. Hermione shook her head to clear it.
"Of course. You are a big boy now, Teddy. Now come on," she said and opened her arms. Teddy looked at her warily and then ran to embrace her. She squeezed him and lifted him off the ground. "You will meet some of the greatest wizards of our time in this school. You will even be taught by them in seven years!"
Teddy laughed uncontrollably. "I don't want to go to school…ha ha ha…I don't want to go to school!" As Hermione took him on an airplane ride. His hair turned bright red.
"I'll race you on the bridge. First one wins hot chocolate tonight!" She looked at him with mischievous smile.
Teddy laughed and began running above the stone bridge. Hermione took out her wand and magicked her suitcases to follow her as she ran behind the boy. She felt the air blowing her hair away from her face and her robes snapped behind her back. She wandered at how far away those times of death felt to her now that she was here. The bridge had been repaired but nothing could chase away the memories of those dark times were she and Harry stood amidst the crumbling walls with blood on their hands and desolation in their hearts.
"Careful not to slip!" She warned as Teddy ran fast in front of her. The rain outside their dry bubbles were beating the ground mercilessly under the black sky.
"You can't catch me, you can't catch me!" Teddy cried in a sing-song manner and fell ear first upon a solid wall made of fabric. "Ow!" He grabbed his ear and fell on his back, soaking his pants. His hair turned violet and he looked up at a man that looked like a mountain.
Hermione inhaled sharply as the boy fell but then resumed her run and cried "HAGRID!" She fell on him with a spontaneous hug, then immediately, as if realising she was taking liberties, she pushed back and looked up to his face. A huge smile brightened her countenance.
" 'Mione! So, good ter see yer!" he said with his heavy voice and Hermione closed her eyes and smiled.
Yes, I am home.
"Who's this young lad then?" Hagrid smiled widely and towered over the boy.
Hermione straightened her robes above her Muggle clothes and pulled Teddy up. "This is Nympadora's and Remus's son, Teddy. I offered to babysit him for a few months while Andromeda is off to a seminar in Spain."
Hagrid's expression fell sad immediately. "He looks like his mom don' he?"
Hermione pressed her lips. "He does. How are you Hagrid? I haven't seen you since…"She stopped and licked her lips "I haven't seen in you in four years!"
"I'm happy as a bee! Still workin' me arse off under the best boss of the magical world," he said proudly.
"How is Minerva?"
"Com' I'll take yeh to her. She told me ter com' get yer. Yeh don' know how happy I am tha' yeh'll be working here, 'Mione!" He lifted her suitcase easily and led the way.
"I am equally happy, but also apprehensive. Come Teddy!" She pulled the boy close to her.
"Is he a giant?" Teddy looked curious.
"Summat of a giant." Hagrid harked.
"He is a half giant. His brother is a proper giant. How is Grawp by the way?"
"Happy livin' in the forest. The Headmistress 's takin' care of 'im. I get to spend a lot more time with 'im, also!" he said as they passed from the iron gates and entered the square plaza.
"I want to see him," she said.
"I want to see him too!" Teddy pulled her sleeve.
"Yeh're both gonna see 'im, don' worry." Hagrid smiled and the doors opened up to welcome them.
Hermione stopped and looked at the stone guardians that protected the school four years ago. They were again embedded in the wall crevices in silent vigil.
"I am home," she whispered and took a turn around herself. Hagrid shook his umbrella to get rid of most of the water. The torches on the pedestals were blazing a complete contrast to the wet blackness outside.
"Oh, big fire!" Teddy's eyes were bulging out of their sockets.
"Welcome to Hogwarts!" The strict voice of Minerva made Hermione turn towards the staircase.
"Minerva!" she smiled widely and walked up the stairs. She stopped in front of the older woman and grasped her hand cordially.
"Welcome, Hermione dear. It's an honour to have you amongst us again."
"Your shoes are huge!" Teddy was checking out Hagrid's boots.
"Me feet 're equally big!" The half giant harked.
"Who is this young man then?" Minerva asked.
"Teddy Lupin." Hermione said with a sad smile.
Minerva pressed her lips and nodded. "Hello Teddy. It's nice to meet you, young man," she greeted, drawing up and crossing her hands in front of her dress.
"Who are you?" Teddy asked as he began jumping on one leg around her.
"This is the mistress of the school baby. Uhm…the boss!" Hermione explained.
Teddy stopped jumping. "Can I jump, miss?" he asked as seriously as he could.
Minerva gave a constricted smile and looked fleetingly at Hermione. "You can jump anywhere but the moving staircases."
"Thank you, miss!" The boy resumed his hopscotch. "Can you jump too?" he asked Hagrid.
"If I jump th' castle will fall down!" Hagrid laughed heartily.
"Come, Hermione dear, I want to introduce you to the staff. They are expecting you in the Great Hall." Then she turned towards the half giant. "Hagrid, we are one member short this morning," she said meaningfully.
"Come here, Teddy. I'll show you a beautiful room where the roof imitates the sky outside," Hermione said and Teddy ran to take her hand.
"Don' worry ma'am. He slept in me house last nigh'."
"I told you to inform me of anything out of the ordinary that happens with him," Minerva seemed angry. Hermione looked back at them curiously.
"I'm sorry ma'am." Hagrid played with his umbrella nervously.
"Is he still in your cabin, then?" Minerva asked with an elevated voice.
"Still sleepin' I reckon."
"Go and wake him up. Tell him he is expected this morning."
"Yes ma'am." Hagrid bowed respectfully " 'Mione I'm 'spectin' yeh fer a cup o' tea when yeh settle, okay?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world." She smiled back at him.
"Follow me, dear girl," Minerva said and walked up the steps. "We have been looking forward to your arrival."
"Me too, Headmistress. Are you coming Teddy?" she asked, looking behind her.
"Come in." Minerva opened the doors for her and when she looked around her, faces broke in happiness. Many smiles and delighted faces looked at her. Many of the faces she had known for a long time, some she barely remembered, but all were welcoming and pleasant. She was overcrowded by people, suddenly, and she grabbed Teddy's hand in fear that she would lose him. She was attacked with a few embraces that made her feel rather uncomfortable in their forwardness, but mostly she moved easily through all the reintroductions. Pomona Sprout, Poppy Pomfrey, Filius Flitwick, Sybill Trelawney, Professor Binns and even Argus Filch. Rolanda Hooch gave her a sterner welcome, befitting her always distanced attitude, and passed her over to Aurora Sinistra. Finally, Hermiome ended up facing Charity Burbage.
"Welcome! Welcome home again!" The Muggle studies Professor said to her with a huge smile of acceptance.
"Miss Burbage! I didn't know you survived your abduction by the Dark Lord. It's my fault for not following up on your situation. I thought they killed you in that damned house!" Hermione exclaimed grasping the woman's hand.
"An angel saved me." Charity smiled knowingly.
"You have made such a difference for us Muggle-borns with your brave stance. You are a legend amidst our community!" Hermione smiled.
"Legends are for books. We are here, together, ready to combine our forces in order to teach a new healthy batch of students. Are you ready for your trials Potions mistress?" Charity beamed at her.
Hermione hissed. "Oh…I will do my best, but I cannot hide from you that I am anxious."
"No one in their right minds wouldn't be! You landed a teaching job in the most illustrious school of magic in the world!"
"You are not making things easier on me!" Hermione laughed.
"Leave the girl alone," Neville Longbottom said and Hermione froze before she faced him.
"Neville!" She smiled sweetly.
"Hello, Hermione! I am so glad we are going to be working together," he said.
"But Professor Sprout…?" she trailed off.
"Is still on the job, dearest." The plump woman said and grasped Hermione's shoulder. "But I needed a clever and able apprentice that would take care of the gardens and the apothecary and be ready to take over when I retire in two years time. Right, Neville?"
"Yes Professor," he said respectfully.
"I thought you were still studying, but I knew you always intended to return here to teach," she embraced her fellow Gryffindor warmly.
"We are so happy to be having old students as colleagues," Charity said. Both Neville and Hermione smiled. Teddy was moonstruck, watching tricks Professor Flitwick was performing with his wand.
Suddently, the Great Hall doors opened with a crash and in came a very wet, very pissed off Snape. He slammed the doors behind him and stormed into the room before the scrutinising glares stopped him. Everyone had turned to look at him, Hermione more intensely than the others.
So. There he was. The man that had haunted her and her friends for seven years. The man that saved them from peril when there was no hope. The man she saw bleeding to death only to learn, long after the battle had ended, that he was amongst the survivors that had been sent off at St. Mungo's. The man whose memories Harry pushed her into the pensive to see, and after that the world as she knew it had shattered and had never become whole again.
He staggered a couple of feet more and then stopped again. He was nothing like she remembered. Out of his long bellowing robes and frock coat he was just a lank, tall figure dressed in black muggle clothes. He was dripping wet and she wondered why he didn't use a spell to dry himself. His hair was sticking to his tense forehead and hollow cheeks and fell low below his shoulder blades; longer than she had ever seen it before. He looked unkempt with several days of dark stubble on his cheeks and jaw. His dark eyes looked wild, like a caged animal. He bore nothing of the previously controlled distance that defined him all those years ago. He looked more like a prisoner of Azkaban than a member of the staff.
"Oh, dear me," Charity murmured next to Hermione and moved quickly to him. She grasped his upper arm and told him something in a low voice that didn't appear to have any effect.
"Professor Snape, we have been expecting you, come in," Minerva said and bypassed the moonstruck Hermione.
"Forgive…" He spoke in such a low voice that Hermione couldn't figure out the rest of his words.
"Don't mention it, now come. You are the last faculty member to be introduced to our newest addition," Minerva said with a smile. She took a hold of his upper arm and almost dragged him to Hermione who tensed unwillingly.
"Professor Hermione Granger will be taking over one of your previous positions. She is going to work here as Potion mistress. Hermione dear, Professor Snape is working as our Librarian now," Minerva said. Having reintroduced them, she stepped back happily, crossing her hands in front of her dress.
"Nice to see you again Professor Snape. It's an honour to be working next to you!" Hermione tried to put a smile on her face but his burning gaze stopped her. She offered him her hand, not even sure that she was supposed to do that.
His lips upturned in what could have been a try at a smile but ended up looking like a nasty grimace. He looked at her hand, dismissed it and then looked back at her eyes, making her squirm. She pulled back her hand, her cheeks going red from embarrassment, looking left and right for support. That is when Teddy decided to intervene. "Why are you wet?" he asked and raised his hand grabbing a hold of Snape's turtleneck. He pulled it a couple of times to draw the man's attention.
Snape's eyebrows knit together in the most menacing look Hermione had seen in years and he glared at the boy. "What the hell is this?" he hissed.
Hermione pulled Teddy next to her and unclasped the boy's fingers from the wet pullover "A boy…he's just a boy. Forgive him Professor," she said with a worried expression.
"Why is he so wet, Auntie? Can I follow him around and splash in the puddles he is making?" Teddy asked and begun picking on his nose.
Severus curled his lips in distaste. "I didn't know that you are employing families now, Minerva. This school is going downhill fast, isn't it?" He spoke in barely a whisper trying not to hurry through the words. It was straining him so much.
Hermione felt her nape blazing with sudden heat and adrenaline shot through her as she gazed up at him. Just because she respected him to the utmost degree did not mean she would put up with his condescending attitude.
"Even if she did employ families, I don't see how that would concern you. It's not as if we are going to live in your chambers to ire you," she said cautiously, wanting to get her point across.
"You and this creature are bothering me right now," he pointed at the child angrily.
"Should I transfigure him to something more tolerable to you?" Hermione pressed her lips together, unable to stop sarcasm from creeping in her voice. Damn him! Even if she wanted to be civil and friendly with him, he stopped her from even trying with this haughty behaviour.
"I demand you remove this child from my presence," he whispered, not wanting to betray the remains of his voice to this insufferable woman.
"Severus please," Minerva tried, but Hermione was faster.
"You demand? Who are you to demand anything from me? You are not my professor anymore! And neither am I your student. I stand before you on equal ground, as a colleague!" Hermione rebuked steadily.
"This attitude is intolerable," he continued in his menacing whisper as he glared at her angrily.
"This is Nympandora's and Lupin's boy – not an intolerable attitude! His name is Teddy." Hermione rejoined with a tilt of her head. Trying again to reach out to him in some manner. He knew Lupin. He was friends with him, no matter the value he ever gave that word.
"I really do not care." Severus tried to manipulate his whisper and colour it with sarcasm, but failed. His face paled.
"I never asked you to care! And why the hell are you whispering? Did Mrs. Norris get your tongue or something?" she said triumphantly, but the brief pain she saw in his eyes wiped her smile away quickly.
"Hermione, the Professor - " Minerva, begun but he raised his hand so threateningly that Teddy ran and grabbed onto Hermione's leg.
"Enough! I shall not stand the presence of this underaged child inside my library. Be warned!" Severus hissed at both women.
"Don't worry I'll make sure he doesn't bother you at all," Hermione said and met his eyes. Daring him to continue.
Severus nodded and, with a warning glance at the small creature, he walked as majestically out of the room as his wet clothes and squishy boots allowed. Minerva sighed and crossed her hands in front of herself. When he was gone, it was as if the room exhaled in relief. Hermione pressed her lips together and rolled her eyes "I see some things never change," she said with a soft smile rubbing Teddy's back.
"Hermione dear, Professor Snape lost his voice in the war." Minerva winced.
Hermione looked up shocked. "What?"
"When Nagini tore his throat, his vocal chords were destroyed. He can only whisper – although he prefers not to speak at all usually. Today was an exception to that rule."
Remorse reared its ugly fangs and Hermione felt as if her stomach dropped into icy water. Oh, no! She thought and bit her lip. She had visited him many times in the hospital when he was in a coma. She had stayed with him as she had with other patients, to offer him comfort in his loneliness, but she didn't know about the damage to his vocal chords. In fact, she rarely – if ever – spoke with the doctors to learn any details.
At the time they probably didn't know the extent of the damage themselves. What she cared about was him waking up. When he did, she took care to never bother him again. Until now.
"Now this is awkward," she said looking down at the corridor he had left from. A feeling of sadness overflowed her; it was sudden and overwhelming. His voice had once been monumental, affecting its surroundings with its gravity. Now it was nil. This war had destroyed a lot of people.
"You couldn't have known of course." Minerva pursed her lips.
"I think I owe him an apology," she said honestly.
"I think you should keep away from him. Approach him only when you need something from the library and keep it formal. Use very few words, only what is necessary." Minerva frowned down at her hands.
Hermione lips turned down and met Minerva's eyes boldly.
"The war broke him completely. Try to be formal towards him even though the Gryffindor in you might want to lash out at times. He was a difficult man to begin with, now he is impossible." Minerva spoke solemnly and her voice broke near the end.
Hermione's eyes teared up unexpectedly. "The war broke all of us."
"Not like it did him. Believe my words and keep your distance. Don't aggravate him, please. His stay here is hanging by a thread. I don't want to lose him." Minerva sounded more emotional than Hermione had ever heard her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Professor Charity walk quickly out of the room.
"I know he works here on parole. It was all over the news. He cannot leave or he will face a trial."
Minerva winced briefly. "There are more ways to depart than one. He has been trying to find a way out for a long time now."
Hermione's lips twitched in confusion. "I won't aggravate him, I swear. My conduct back there was totally inappropriate. You should know that I deeply respect him. He did a lot more than just protect us all these years. He's a bloody war hero isn't he? I just find it difficult to handle his offensive attitude."
Minerva nodded sadly. "Not only you my dear. Now come let me show you your quarters."
The rest of the staff had formed several groups, discussing in low tones, while others were already departing with warm handshakes and a few comforting words.
"Are we going to sleep in the castle, Auntie?" Teddy pulled on her cardigan.
"Yes," she smiled.
"Near batman?"
Hermione harked. "Batman?!"
"The wet man that was making puddles? That's batman right?" Teddy asked.
Minerva covered her mouth and laughed lightly. "Charming, young man."
"I guess so, but don't ever tell him that, okay?" Hermione ruffled his green hair.
"He doesn't know he is Batman?"
"He doesn't want us to know that he is. It's a secret." Hermione placed her finger on her mouth to encourage his silence.
Teddy jumped a couple of times and clapped. "Yes, a secret. I won't say anything. Now can we eat? I am hungry!"
"Lunch is served at two and I shall expect you in my office after so I can show you around the Potion laboratories and apothecaries. You will have to work closely with Professor Sprout and her assistant Longbottom. We open the gates for the students in two day's time. We need to get through many details of your curriculum," Minerva explained, turning around at the third floor of the north tower. She took out a key and gave it to Hermione. "Welcome again, Hermione. It is a pleasure having you amongst the Hogwarts staff."
Hermione looked at the keychain that bore the initial "H" on it and a huge smile brightened her face. Yes, she was indeed home. A flash of sadness stained that happiness, however, when she remembered the desolation in Snape's eyes. She needed reintroduction to old constants, she needed to get to know things again, and she knew she would have to work hard, but she was home. For the first time in years she felt…peace.
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