~Days of Our Eds~
"Why do I feel this way?" Edd mused to himself. His heart thudded against his chest, his throat was dry, and he was sweating bullets. He felt light-headed and faint. "I'm just going to Ed's house, after all..."
Even though he asked himself why he felt this way, he already knew the answer. It wasn't the thought of Ed that was giving him butterflies in the stomach- it was Sarah.
"OH, God no!"
Could he possibly...have a crush on SARAH? (eew...)
"Curse adolescent hormonal influence!" he muttered to himself as he forced himself to continue his leisurely pace towards Ed's house.
"If that's the case, then Ed and Eddy cannot know about it, no matter what. They'd never let me live it down! I'll just hang out at Ed's house like usual, then excuse myself and go...gulp...talk to her."
He slipped into Ed's room through Ed's basement window to see Ed and Eddy watching TV. Eddy looked up from the screen and waved. "Hiya, Double Dee! Austin Powers is on- you gotta see this!"
"In a second Eddy" Edd replied as he jumped down to Ed's floor, none to gracefully," I'll be right back."
Eddy frowned, leaning up on the chair so that his arms were propped on the top "Hey! Where are you off to so fast?"
Edd's eyes shifted back and forth as he tried to think up a quick excuse.
"To the...erm...bathroom!"
"Fine!" Eddy muttered, turning around and sliding down the couch to continue watching the movie "but hurry back-they're about to show Mini-me!"
Edd walked off, but instead of going to Ed's bathroom he made a subtle detour upstairs. Eddy saw him go towards the stairs out of the corner of his eye, which is in the opposite direction of the bathroom.
"Hey, why didn't he use your bathroom? It may not be the cleanest
bathroom on Earth, but he used it before. Besides, he's a stander!"
"Girls are so unlucky!" replied Ed, who throughout this entire time was absorbed in the movie. Ignoring Ed's comment, Eddy grabbed his friend by the arm when the commercials started "That can only mean one thing- He's BSing! Come on, Ed- let's find out what Sockhead's really up to..."
Meanwhile, Edd was heading towards Sarah's room, totally unaware that his pals were following him quietly. Ed and Eddy couldn't believe their eyes when they saw him knock on Sarah's bedroom door.
"What the...?!" Eddy gasped. "He's going to talk to Sarah? Voluntarily?!"
Sarah opened the door, slightly confused. The only one who ever knocked was Jimmy, who rarely arrived without giving her a phone call in advance. Her only other visitor was Ed, who would just barrel in (or through) the door, even if it was locked. "Hello?" She asked as she cautiously opened the door, peering out at whoever dared to talk to her.
She was surprised and pleased at the same time to see her long time crush Edd standing at the door. Immediately upon seeing her he looked down, mumbling while staring at his feet. "Greetings, Sarah." Edd stammered, a slight blush forming on his cheeks. "I just wanted to know if...erm...you...would like to... kind of... go and hang out...sometime?"
Eddy had to bite his tongue until it bled to keep from screaming aloud. Ed had to hold his own mouth shut. Sarah giggled, batting her eyelashes. "Sure!" she said without hesitation.
Edd rubbed his neck nervously. He had expected to get the door slammed on his face by now, after all. "Gee, wow, okay...How about tonight? At eight?"
"It's a date!" Sarah smiled, waving as she softly closed the door.
Edd breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He couldn't believe-
"It's a WHAT?!"
Upon hearing the all-too-familiar voice, Edd jumped like someone had stuck him
with a needle. He quickly turned around to see Eddy and Ed 'hiding' behind the staircase. "EDDY?!" Edd gasped. "What are YOU doing here?"
Eddy's shocked expression melted into a scowl as he put his hands on his
hips. "Bathroom, eh?"
Edd put his hands behind his back and averted his eyes like a guilty child who knew he had done something wrong. "Please..." he whimpered, "Don't tell anyone, okay?"
But Eddy was still too busy reeling over what he had just seen to pay attention. "SARAH? I'd see you going out with Marie Kanker before her!"
The mere thought of asking Marie out made Edd shudder. Eddy patted his friend's back reassuringly.
"As unimaginably gross as this is, we're behind you, Double Dee...but only because I understand that because you hang around me, my incredible girl magnetism will ensure that you'll never get any and Sarah will be your only option besides the Kankers. Right, Ed?"
Edd smiled. He knew that was Eddy's way of saying "That's what friends are for"...either that, or the poor boy was even more delusional then he'd first thought.
Ed didn't reply. He looked at Edd for a bit before returning his gaze to Sarah's closed bedroom door, his expression unusually focused. "Baby sister...?" He said mostly to himself, frowning slightly.
"Ed?" Eddy waved a hand in front of his face. Almost as if snapping out a trance, Ed resumed his usual happy, vacant expression. "Sure am, Eddy!"
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "I'll take that as a yes..." he said, as he started back downstairs. "Back to the movie?" Ed asked hopefully.
"No way, Ed! Our little stud-muffin here has a hot date to get ready for!"
Eddy grinned as he watched Edd flush at his carefully chosen words. "Eddy..."
he started to say.
"No time for talk, boys! To my house!" He said, not paying attention as to where he put his foot as he walked downstairs. With a scream, he toppled over and fell down half the stairs, cursing loudly. "That looks like fun!" Ed said, jumping up and preparing to do the same before Edd rescued him by grabbing his shirt collar. "One step at a time, Ed!" he said, and with a roll of his eyes the two descended the stairs.
Later, Edd was standing there and fidgeting in his very uncomfortable tuxedo while Eddy paced back and forth in front of him, grinning.
"Double Dee, you look like a million bucks! If I was a girl I'd kiss ya! Wait, strike that, I would kiss me first" Eddy said, making a face.
"Gee, thanks" Edd replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Alright, smart-aleck!" Eddy quipped. "One big problem in having a date- you can't speak to girls! Wuss." Edd grimaced and nodded, despite the fact that although Eddy was lecturing him on the ways of dating, the only hot date he's had up to now was his pillow.
"It is for this reason...." Eddy turned his back to Edd, glancing over his shoulder "...that I have made arrangements for you to practice!" He snapped his fingers and called out to the doorway "Oh, 'Sarah'..."
Edd's face paled as he thought about who he Eddy had got for him to practice with. What if it was Nazz? He'd make an ass of himself for sure.
When he saw the one who was going to 'be' Sarah, he didn't know whether to feel relieved or disturbed. Ed walked in and happily seated himself in a chair, wearing a dirty old mop on his head and a pink tank top. He looked more like a manly female with dirty gray deadlocks then Sarah!
Eddy walked over to Edd holding a few flash cards. "Okay, Romeo- practice saying these to our Sarah over here" he said, gesturing towards Ed. Noticing the look on Edd's face, he sighed. "Okay, so he's not Mrs. Peach Creek. He wouldn't even wear this neat wig I dug up for him" he complained, holding up what looked like a fuzzy little animal that met its untimely demise on the highway. "But he's a great replacement! To be honest, Sarah's no prize either. Yeech."
Edd was about to make a comment about Eddy not being able to talk with three hairs and height issues when Eddy suddenly shoved the cards into his hands. "Okay, read some of these off to the vision of loveliness over there."
"You can't be serious..." Edd began as he narrowed his eyes, reading some of the lines aloud to himself as Ed fluffed his 'hair'.
"'Your eyes are as bright and shining as two stars' ...are these your best pick-up lines? Seesh." "Hey! Those lines'll have a girl swooning in no time!" Eddy shot back. "Besides, this is some crap you have to practice saying- you don't have to use it on the actual date!"
Edd winced at the word. This was beginning to sound like less and less of a good idea. What if he did something unforgettably embarrassing?
"I'm listening..." Eddy grumbled. Sighing, Edd picked up one of the index cards and turned to Ed, who was busy pushing strands of soggy 'hair' out of his face. In a monotonous, disinterested tone, he recited what was on the cards.
"There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off of you! If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as hot as you, I'd have 5 cents. If you were a library book, I would check you out! "
Ed blushed deeply, twirling a mop string "Aww, Gee, Double Dee. I never knew you cared!" Shaking his head in disgust, Edd threw the cards over his shoulder. "And how was that supposed to help me, pretell?"
Eddy grinned. "See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?"
Edd was about to make a witty comeback when suddenly his eyes widened in realization. "No, actually...that wasn't hard at all!"
Eddy gestured towards Ed, who was still blushing and giggling in a disturbingly feminine way. "You passed the test with flying colors, Double Dee! You got he...she...it...swooning without even breaking a sweat! Never thought I'd say this, but maybe you WILL pull this off without screwing up!"
"Gee, thank you for the vote of confidence" Edd replied dryly.
Despite all of the 'practice', the "Big Night" (as they came to refer to it as)
Came all too quickly. All three of them were busy trying to get everything perfect for when Sarah arrived.
Eddy was running around, grabbing supplies and shouting orders to Ed, who was busy screwing them up. Edd was busy fussing with himself in the mirror.
"Quick! Cologne! he shouted. "We've only got 12 minutes!" Eddy rummaged through Father's grooming stuff- an idea Edd was usually morally opposed to, but (as Eddy pointed out) they were too desperate to worry about a silly little thing like morals right now.
"Let's see..." Eddy muttered as he held up two bottles. "Do you prefer "Jungle Madness" Or "Moves for Him"?"
"Any one, I don't care. Come ON!" Edd snapped, nervously checking his watch.
Eddy wasn't pleased with this kind of treatment." Keep that crap up and I'll give you something to-"
"Where's my bowtie?" Edd interrupted. "We have 10 minutes left!"
"Calm down, you idiot! There's still plenty of time!" Eddy growled, beginning to grow impatient with Edd's impatience.
"Easy for you to say, you're not the one with the date." Edd sniffed. He looked in the mirror and gasped. "AAHH! Gel! My hair!"
"Tch!" Eddy replied, waving his hand at Edd dismissively. "What are you gonna do, slick your hat into a pompadour?"
"Ha, ha. Very amusing." Edd said sarcastically as Eddy handed him the gel.
"Now, to check and see if I missed anything. Got the list, Ed?" "Righto!" Ed replied with a grin, holding up a sheet of paper. "Breath mints?" Ed called out. "Check!" Edd replied, pulling one out of his tuxedo pocket. "Deodorant?" "Check!" "Condoms?" Eddy interrupted. "Check!" Edd replied, not fully paying
attention. "...HEY!"
"Gotta keep on your toes, Double Dee" Eddy snickered.
"Ohh, for Pete's sake, Eddy!" Edd said with an exasperated sigh. "Now is not the time for tomfoolery! Sarah will arrive at any second!"
"Couldn't resist, Double Dee- it was just too easy!" Eddy said with a smile.
Edd rolled his eyes as he reached for his piggybank, dumping it upside-down to see if anything was inside. "Now, it is an age old tradition for the
male to pay for the date. How much do we have?" Eddy pulled out his pockets, revealing nothing inside. "To put it simply...we're flat broke."
"Cursed jawbreaker spending spree!" Edd shook his fist, berating himself for not saving up for an emergency such as this one. "JAWBREAKERS!" Ed yelled happily, licking his lips at the memory of the candy they had recently bought.
"I guess we'll just have to improvise" Edd shrugged. "I have just the thing for
such an occasion!" he dug around in his freezer, taking out a frozen TV dinner.
"Wow. That's ghetto." Eddy muttered.
"Cause if there's one thing that she don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed, in the ghettooo..." Ed sang, completely off key.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Eddy went to get it, but Edd grabbed his shoulder. "WAIT! What if it's Sarah? I'm not ready!"
Eddy rolled his eyes. "Seesh! Don't wet your pants, Baby Huey!"
Shaking himself free of Edd's grasp, he walked over to the door and opened it.
Sarah was standing on the doorstep wearing a red spaghetti-strap dress with red sequins around the torso and the edge. The dress was obviously carefully chosen, as it bought out the color of her red hair. It was flashy, yet tasteful. She looked so put together that (even though he would never, ever admit it) even Eddy thought she looked cute. That didn't make her loathe him any less, though.
"Shove over, Shorty!" She snapped as she pushed him out of the way and made her way towards Edd. "Hiya, Double Dee!" She said as she looked him up and down, smiling one of her big, toothy grins. "You look great!
Edd was as embarrased as he was flattered, and the developing blush on his face showed it. "Why thank you..."he replied. "You look...err, good, too."
Eddy rolled his eyes to the ceiling as he walked up behind them. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Juliet- since Romeo here is too poor to afford a night out, you guys'll eat here." "That's fine." she said with a shrug. Edd smiled; she was behaving very ladylike. Perhaps she had practiced before the date, too?
The table was set (courtesy of Ed) with microwaved cheap little TV dinners. However, with the elegant glass dishes and silverware, and a romantic candle lighting the entire scene, it was hardly noticeable.
They sat down to eat, but Ed and Eddy (who were supposed to have left the two alone by now) made sure that it was to go anything but smoothly. Poor Edd was practically soiling himself with worry. Sarah was sitting next to him, sitting and looking unusually calm and tolerant of the other two Eds sitting there with HER date. Eddy was, of course, the one to start trouble. He whispered into Ed's ear, a little bit too loudly. "What did you do to her, Ed-spike her drink with Midol?"
Not wanting to ruin the romantic atmosphere, Sarah pretended not to hear. But her left eye started twitching with rage. Ed didn't help things any when he started poking the Jell-O. "Is it alive?" he said in a voice hushed with fascination. Eddy, who was poking at his disgusting little TV dinner with a fork, quipped "Yeah Ed. It's an alien slug coming to get you."
Ed jumped three feet in the air. "REALLY?!" he said, none too quietly. Sarah gave him a toxic look, and Edd started waving his hands at Eddy, making gestures and mouthing the words "Stop! No! Cut it out!"
Grinning, Eddy saw his chance to liven up this otherwise dull date. He reached his fist under the table where the Jell-O was and started banging it, making it quiver. Covering his mouth with his other hand, he said in his spookiest voice "Eeeedd...EEEEEDDD... Iiiii ammmm theee killllerrr jellooooo ..... Immmmm coomiiingggg tooo geettt yooouuu.... Iiiiii waaannnnttt youurrr braaainnnsss!"
"IT IS ATTACKING!" Ed screamed. He reached over the table and swiped at it with his bare hands, knocking it all over the table.
That was it. Edd was fuming with anger, but he kept his voice level as he turned towards Sarah. "Umm, Sarah? Could you please excuse us for a moment?" he shot the two a daggers look while saying this.
"Sure" Sarah said, having kept her annoyance at the two messing up her date behind a calm poker face. She'd have their heads later.
He roughly grabbed Ed and Eddy by their tongues and dragged them upstairs into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" he screamed.
Quick to place the guilt on anyone but himself, Eddy pointed an accusing finger at Ed. "It's all Ed's fault!" "Nuh uh!" Ed retorted.
"I DON'T GIVE A DARN WHO'S FAULT IT WAS!" Ed yelled. Then, keeping his voice as steady as possible, he tried to explain that they were ruining his date in terms simple enough for even them to grasp. "If you want to accompany in my meeting with the opposite sex-"
"Huh huh huh, he said sex!" Ed interrupted. "You think she'll move that fast?" Eddy said with a smirk. "GENDER..." Edd said through gritted teeth "Then you must behave appropriately. If you don't, then I'll have to ask you to leave!"
It seemed to finally get through to them at that point. Ed and Eddy finally realized he was serious. They mumbled their apologies and slunk back to the table like obedient puppies. Almost. "It's the testosterone" Eddy whispered into Ed's ear, making a circular motion against his own head to indicate craziness "-it screws with your mind!"
What Edd didn't realize that the other two's antics were providing a twisted sort of distraction, and giving he and Sarah an opportunity to focus on something other then the date itself (and each other, of course!) Without Ed and Eddy making a scene, the table quickly became extremely awkward. Edd was afraid to even eat because he would be so mortified if he got a stain on his tuxedo or got something stuck in his gap- not that he could eat with all of the butterflies in his stomach. Eventually, Sarah stood up, pushing her food away.
"I'm done." "So am I..." Edd replied, going over to the trash to throw out his food.
"Hey...Double Dee? Could you please come out here on the porch?" Sarah inquired, after shooting a glance at the other two "Alone?"
Of course!" Edd said with a smile, leading her towards it. In a way, he was relieved to get away from the other two- being best friends meant sharing a lot of things, but dates aren't one of them.
"Yeah, right!" Eddy muttered to himself. "Come on" he said to Ed, who was still staring at the Jell-O, waiting for it to 'attack' again.
Ed and Eddy waited until the other two left the room, then sneaked over to the screen door to peek out at them like toddlers looking for Santa. Edd and Sarah stood out along on the porch. It was a beautiful night. The crickets were chirping loudly, as if warning the world that summer was coming to an end.
The two sat outside. Edd was expecting to get told off- he knew from experience that Sarah was just barley holding her temper back at the table. He cleared his throat, speaking in a tone slightly altered by nervousness. "Sarah, I...I wanted to apologize for my friend's conduct. They behaved terribly."
Sarah nodded "It's okay, though. Eddy was just being his usual idiot self. And Ed's just...Ed." Edd smiled slightly "So you didn't have a truly horrible time?"
Sarah smiled back at him, inching a little closer "Nope. In fact, with the exception of those two, I really enjoyed myself."
"Really?" Was she serious? This had to be a guilt thing." Really" She nodded firmly.
Eddy, meanwhile was peering out through the glass, just barley able to make out their shapes talking in the dim moonlight. "What the heck are they saying?" he muttered aloud.
Edd smiled broadly "You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to hear that. All I wanted was for this to go well...and for you to have a good time."
Sarah took his hands in hers "As long as I'm with you, I am having a good time."
Edd looked down at their clasped hands in shock. Sarah giggled slightly.
Their faces leaned closer until they met in a short kiss on the lips. Edd immediately drew back, his face flushing red.
"Holy...!" Eddy, talking partially to Ed and to himself as he watched them kiss.
Ed frowned. Nope, he didn't like this one bit.
Edd giggled nervously, looking deep into her half-lidded eyes as the two kissed again.
"Not that I'm jealous, but Double Dee is such an amateur..." Eddy grumbled.
Ed's eyes, however, were ringed with red, and his face contorted into a snarl.
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "Ed? What's with you?" "That's my little sister he is doing..." he said in a dangerous tone. "Doing? Nah, they ain't THAT far yet..." Eddy said as he continued to peer through the window and watch.
Ed didn't have a reply for that. All he knew was that it was his sworn duty to protect his 'baby sister' from the horny young boys, even if one of them was his best friend. If Edd wanted his baby sister, he'd have to deal with big brother too.
Without hesitation, he busted through the screen door like a ram. CRASH! Both of them had a deer-in-the-headlights look for a second or two, as if neither of them could believe that they were being watched. Sarah's face contorted into that of anger, while Edd's drooped in sullen embarrassment.
"ED!" She screamed in an earsplitting tone. "Sarah, we are going home!"
Ed said angrily as he advanced upon the two. "What?" she sputtered. "Get rea-"
"NO TALKING BACK! HOME NOW!" Ed yelled. For once, not even Sarah's will could dominate Ed. She had never seen him this angry before.
He roughly grabbed her by the arm and started dragging her home.
Edd watched him leave in confusion. He was frightened by Ed, embarrassed at being watched by Eddy, and shaky about the entire 'date' thing in the first place. He peered into his now-busted (again) screen door to see Eddy.
"Ed...and...Sarah...and...leave...and...screen..." he managed to say.
"Well, you were getting down n' dirty with his sister, Double Dee." Eddy said matter-of-factly as he carefully walked through the hole Ed made. "Down and dirty?! Puh-leeze, it was just a kiss!"
"Yeah, right. But either way, he's sooo mad! Guess he doesn't like the idea of other guys laying a hand on his 'baby sister'. Boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes right now!"
After taking Sarah home, Ed refused to let her go out again or call him that night. She protested, but Ed was unusually firm. Despite Eddy's warnings to "steer clear of Big Ed until he chills out" Edd went straight to Ed's house to ask what just happened. When Ed opened the door, the angry look on his face returned when he saw his meek little friend standing at his doorstep.
"Ed, what happened? What did I do to-" "You tried to make out with my baby sister!" Ed interrupted angrily." Dear, Ed, don't you remember? We were on a da-" "Enough talk, FIGHT NOW!" Ed roared, lunging himself at the small boy when-
Edd woke up.
Groaning, he rolled over on his side and checked the alarm clock, which read 3:34 AM. Panicking at first, Edd sighed with relief when he realized it was nothing but a dream. "What a strange dream" he muttered to himself. "Me and Sarah. Heh. That's so ridiculous it's almost funny!"
He felt around his nightstand for his light when he felt a strange, curved object. Turning on his light, he stared at the item closely to reveal it was a small vial of fluid labeled "Jungle Madness"
~END~
"Why do I feel this way?" Edd mused to himself. His heart thudded against his chest, his throat was dry, and he was sweating bullets. He felt light-headed and faint. "I'm just going to Ed's house, after all..."
Even though he asked himself why he felt this way, he already knew the answer. It wasn't the thought of Ed that was giving him butterflies in the stomach- it was Sarah.
"OH, God no!"
Could he possibly...have a crush on SARAH? (eew...)
"Curse adolescent hormonal influence!" he muttered to himself as he forced himself to continue his leisurely pace towards Ed's house.
"If that's the case, then Ed and Eddy cannot know about it, no matter what. They'd never let me live it down! I'll just hang out at Ed's house like usual, then excuse myself and go...gulp...talk to her."
He slipped into Ed's room through Ed's basement window to see Ed and Eddy watching TV. Eddy looked up from the screen and waved. "Hiya, Double Dee! Austin Powers is on- you gotta see this!"
"In a second Eddy" Edd replied as he jumped down to Ed's floor, none to gracefully," I'll be right back."
Eddy frowned, leaning up on the chair so that his arms were propped on the top "Hey! Where are you off to so fast?"
Edd's eyes shifted back and forth as he tried to think up a quick excuse.
"To the...erm...bathroom!"
"Fine!" Eddy muttered, turning around and sliding down the couch to continue watching the movie "but hurry back-they're about to show Mini-me!"
Edd walked off, but instead of going to Ed's bathroom he made a subtle detour upstairs. Eddy saw him go towards the stairs out of the corner of his eye, which is in the opposite direction of the bathroom.
"Hey, why didn't he use your bathroom? It may not be the cleanest
bathroom on Earth, but he used it before. Besides, he's a stander!"
"Girls are so unlucky!" replied Ed, who throughout this entire time was absorbed in the movie. Ignoring Ed's comment, Eddy grabbed his friend by the arm when the commercials started "That can only mean one thing- He's BSing! Come on, Ed- let's find out what Sockhead's really up to..."
Meanwhile, Edd was heading towards Sarah's room, totally unaware that his pals were following him quietly. Ed and Eddy couldn't believe their eyes when they saw him knock on Sarah's bedroom door.
"What the...?!" Eddy gasped. "He's going to talk to Sarah? Voluntarily?!"
Sarah opened the door, slightly confused. The only one who ever knocked was Jimmy, who rarely arrived without giving her a phone call in advance. Her only other visitor was Ed, who would just barrel in (or through) the door, even if it was locked. "Hello?" She asked as she cautiously opened the door, peering out at whoever dared to talk to her.
She was surprised and pleased at the same time to see her long time crush Edd standing at the door. Immediately upon seeing her he looked down, mumbling while staring at his feet. "Greetings, Sarah." Edd stammered, a slight blush forming on his cheeks. "I just wanted to know if...erm...you...would like to... kind of... go and hang out...sometime?"
Eddy had to bite his tongue until it bled to keep from screaming aloud. Ed had to hold his own mouth shut. Sarah giggled, batting her eyelashes. "Sure!" she said without hesitation.
Edd rubbed his neck nervously. He had expected to get the door slammed on his face by now, after all. "Gee, wow, okay...How about tonight? At eight?"
"It's a date!" Sarah smiled, waving as she softly closed the door.
Edd breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He couldn't believe-
"It's a WHAT?!"
Upon hearing the all-too-familiar voice, Edd jumped like someone had stuck him
with a needle. He quickly turned around to see Eddy and Ed 'hiding' behind the staircase. "EDDY?!" Edd gasped. "What are YOU doing here?"
Eddy's shocked expression melted into a scowl as he put his hands on his
hips. "Bathroom, eh?"
Edd put his hands behind his back and averted his eyes like a guilty child who knew he had done something wrong. "Please..." he whimpered, "Don't tell anyone, okay?"
But Eddy was still too busy reeling over what he had just seen to pay attention. "SARAH? I'd see you going out with Marie Kanker before her!"
The mere thought of asking Marie out made Edd shudder. Eddy patted his friend's back reassuringly.
"As unimaginably gross as this is, we're behind you, Double Dee...but only because I understand that because you hang around me, my incredible girl magnetism will ensure that you'll never get any and Sarah will be your only option besides the Kankers. Right, Ed?"
Edd smiled. He knew that was Eddy's way of saying "That's what friends are for"...either that, or the poor boy was even more delusional then he'd first thought.
Ed didn't reply. He looked at Edd for a bit before returning his gaze to Sarah's closed bedroom door, his expression unusually focused. "Baby sister...?" He said mostly to himself, frowning slightly.
"Ed?" Eddy waved a hand in front of his face. Almost as if snapping out a trance, Ed resumed his usual happy, vacant expression. "Sure am, Eddy!"
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "I'll take that as a yes..." he said, as he started back downstairs. "Back to the movie?" Ed asked hopefully.
"No way, Ed! Our little stud-muffin here has a hot date to get ready for!"
Eddy grinned as he watched Edd flush at his carefully chosen words. "Eddy..."
he started to say.
"No time for talk, boys! To my house!" He said, not paying attention as to where he put his foot as he walked downstairs. With a scream, he toppled over and fell down half the stairs, cursing loudly. "That looks like fun!" Ed said, jumping up and preparing to do the same before Edd rescued him by grabbing his shirt collar. "One step at a time, Ed!" he said, and with a roll of his eyes the two descended the stairs.
Later, Edd was standing there and fidgeting in his very uncomfortable tuxedo while Eddy paced back and forth in front of him, grinning.
"Double Dee, you look like a million bucks! If I was a girl I'd kiss ya! Wait, strike that, I would kiss me first" Eddy said, making a face.
"Gee, thanks" Edd replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Alright, smart-aleck!" Eddy quipped. "One big problem in having a date- you can't speak to girls! Wuss." Edd grimaced and nodded, despite the fact that although Eddy was lecturing him on the ways of dating, the only hot date he's had up to now was his pillow.
"It is for this reason...." Eddy turned his back to Edd, glancing over his shoulder "...that I have made arrangements for you to practice!" He snapped his fingers and called out to the doorway "Oh, 'Sarah'..."
Edd's face paled as he thought about who he Eddy had got for him to practice with. What if it was Nazz? He'd make an ass of himself for sure.
When he saw the one who was going to 'be' Sarah, he didn't know whether to feel relieved or disturbed. Ed walked in and happily seated himself in a chair, wearing a dirty old mop on his head and a pink tank top. He looked more like a manly female with dirty gray deadlocks then Sarah!
Eddy walked over to Edd holding a few flash cards. "Okay, Romeo- practice saying these to our Sarah over here" he said, gesturing towards Ed. Noticing the look on Edd's face, he sighed. "Okay, so he's not Mrs. Peach Creek. He wouldn't even wear this neat wig I dug up for him" he complained, holding up what looked like a fuzzy little animal that met its untimely demise on the highway. "But he's a great replacement! To be honest, Sarah's no prize either. Yeech."
Edd was about to make a comment about Eddy not being able to talk with three hairs and height issues when Eddy suddenly shoved the cards into his hands. "Okay, read some of these off to the vision of loveliness over there."
"You can't be serious..." Edd began as he narrowed his eyes, reading some of the lines aloud to himself as Ed fluffed his 'hair'.
"'Your eyes are as bright and shining as two stars' ...are these your best pick-up lines? Seesh." "Hey! Those lines'll have a girl swooning in no time!" Eddy shot back. "Besides, this is some crap you have to practice saying- you don't have to use it on the actual date!"
Edd winced at the word. This was beginning to sound like less and less of a good idea. What if he did something unforgettably embarrassing?
"I'm listening..." Eddy grumbled. Sighing, Edd picked up one of the index cards and turned to Ed, who was busy pushing strands of soggy 'hair' out of his face. In a monotonous, disinterested tone, he recited what was on the cards.
"There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off of you! If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as hot as you, I'd have 5 cents. If you were a library book, I would check you out! "
Ed blushed deeply, twirling a mop string "Aww, Gee, Double Dee. I never knew you cared!" Shaking his head in disgust, Edd threw the cards over his shoulder. "And how was that supposed to help me, pretell?"
Eddy grinned. "See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?"
Edd was about to make a witty comeback when suddenly his eyes widened in realization. "No, actually...that wasn't hard at all!"
Eddy gestured towards Ed, who was still blushing and giggling in a disturbingly feminine way. "You passed the test with flying colors, Double Dee! You got he...she...it...swooning without even breaking a sweat! Never thought I'd say this, but maybe you WILL pull this off without screwing up!"
"Gee, thank you for the vote of confidence" Edd replied dryly.
Despite all of the 'practice', the "Big Night" (as they came to refer to it as)
Came all too quickly. All three of them were busy trying to get everything perfect for when Sarah arrived.
Eddy was running around, grabbing supplies and shouting orders to Ed, who was busy screwing them up. Edd was busy fussing with himself in the mirror.
"Quick! Cologne! he shouted. "We've only got 12 minutes!" Eddy rummaged through Father's grooming stuff- an idea Edd was usually morally opposed to, but (as Eddy pointed out) they were too desperate to worry about a silly little thing like morals right now.
"Let's see..." Eddy muttered as he held up two bottles. "Do you prefer "Jungle Madness" Or "Moves for Him"?"
"Any one, I don't care. Come ON!" Edd snapped, nervously checking his watch.
Eddy wasn't pleased with this kind of treatment." Keep that crap up and I'll give you something to-"
"Where's my bowtie?" Edd interrupted. "We have 10 minutes left!"
"Calm down, you idiot! There's still plenty of time!" Eddy growled, beginning to grow impatient with Edd's impatience.
"Easy for you to say, you're not the one with the date." Edd sniffed. He looked in the mirror and gasped. "AAHH! Gel! My hair!"
"Tch!" Eddy replied, waving his hand at Edd dismissively. "What are you gonna do, slick your hat into a pompadour?"
"Ha, ha. Very amusing." Edd said sarcastically as Eddy handed him the gel.
"Now, to check and see if I missed anything. Got the list, Ed?" "Righto!" Ed replied with a grin, holding up a sheet of paper. "Breath mints?" Ed called out. "Check!" Edd replied, pulling one out of his tuxedo pocket. "Deodorant?" "Check!" "Condoms?" Eddy interrupted. "Check!" Edd replied, not fully paying
attention. "...HEY!"
"Gotta keep on your toes, Double Dee" Eddy snickered.
"Ohh, for Pete's sake, Eddy!" Edd said with an exasperated sigh. "Now is not the time for tomfoolery! Sarah will arrive at any second!"
"Couldn't resist, Double Dee- it was just too easy!" Eddy said with a smile.
Edd rolled his eyes as he reached for his piggybank, dumping it upside-down to see if anything was inside. "Now, it is an age old tradition for the
male to pay for the date. How much do we have?" Eddy pulled out his pockets, revealing nothing inside. "To put it simply...we're flat broke."
"Cursed jawbreaker spending spree!" Edd shook his fist, berating himself for not saving up for an emergency such as this one. "JAWBREAKERS!" Ed yelled happily, licking his lips at the memory of the candy they had recently bought.
"I guess we'll just have to improvise" Edd shrugged. "I have just the thing for
such an occasion!" he dug around in his freezer, taking out a frozen TV dinner.
"Wow. That's ghetto." Eddy muttered.
"Cause if there's one thing that she don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed, in the ghettooo..." Ed sang, completely off key.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Eddy went to get it, but Edd grabbed his shoulder. "WAIT! What if it's Sarah? I'm not ready!"
Eddy rolled his eyes. "Seesh! Don't wet your pants, Baby Huey!"
Shaking himself free of Edd's grasp, he walked over to the door and opened it.
Sarah was standing on the doorstep wearing a red spaghetti-strap dress with red sequins around the torso and the edge. The dress was obviously carefully chosen, as it bought out the color of her red hair. It was flashy, yet tasteful. She looked so put together that (even though he would never, ever admit it) even Eddy thought she looked cute. That didn't make her loathe him any less, though.
"Shove over, Shorty!" She snapped as she pushed him out of the way and made her way towards Edd. "Hiya, Double Dee!" She said as she looked him up and down, smiling one of her big, toothy grins. "You look great!
Edd was as embarrased as he was flattered, and the developing blush on his face showed it. "Why thank you..."he replied. "You look...err, good, too."
Eddy rolled his eyes to the ceiling as he walked up behind them. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Juliet- since Romeo here is too poor to afford a night out, you guys'll eat here." "That's fine." she said with a shrug. Edd smiled; she was behaving very ladylike. Perhaps she had practiced before the date, too?
The table was set (courtesy of Ed) with microwaved cheap little TV dinners. However, with the elegant glass dishes and silverware, and a romantic candle lighting the entire scene, it was hardly noticeable.
They sat down to eat, but Ed and Eddy (who were supposed to have left the two alone by now) made sure that it was to go anything but smoothly. Poor Edd was practically soiling himself with worry. Sarah was sitting next to him, sitting and looking unusually calm and tolerant of the other two Eds sitting there with HER date. Eddy was, of course, the one to start trouble. He whispered into Ed's ear, a little bit too loudly. "What did you do to her, Ed-spike her drink with Midol?"
Not wanting to ruin the romantic atmosphere, Sarah pretended not to hear. But her left eye started twitching with rage. Ed didn't help things any when he started poking the Jell-O. "Is it alive?" he said in a voice hushed with fascination. Eddy, who was poking at his disgusting little TV dinner with a fork, quipped "Yeah Ed. It's an alien slug coming to get you."
Ed jumped three feet in the air. "REALLY?!" he said, none too quietly. Sarah gave him a toxic look, and Edd started waving his hands at Eddy, making gestures and mouthing the words "Stop! No! Cut it out!"
Grinning, Eddy saw his chance to liven up this otherwise dull date. He reached his fist under the table where the Jell-O was and started banging it, making it quiver. Covering his mouth with his other hand, he said in his spookiest voice "Eeeedd...EEEEEDDD... Iiiii ammmm theee killllerrr jellooooo ..... Immmmm coomiiingggg tooo geettt yooouuu.... Iiiiii waaannnnttt youurrr braaainnnsss!"
"IT IS ATTACKING!" Ed screamed. He reached over the table and swiped at it with his bare hands, knocking it all over the table.
That was it. Edd was fuming with anger, but he kept his voice level as he turned towards Sarah. "Umm, Sarah? Could you please excuse us for a moment?" he shot the two a daggers look while saying this.
"Sure" Sarah said, having kept her annoyance at the two messing up her date behind a calm poker face. She'd have their heads later.
He roughly grabbed Ed and Eddy by their tongues and dragged them upstairs into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" he screamed.
Quick to place the guilt on anyone but himself, Eddy pointed an accusing finger at Ed. "It's all Ed's fault!" "Nuh uh!" Ed retorted.
"I DON'T GIVE A DARN WHO'S FAULT IT WAS!" Ed yelled. Then, keeping his voice as steady as possible, he tried to explain that they were ruining his date in terms simple enough for even them to grasp. "If you want to accompany in my meeting with the opposite sex-"
"Huh huh huh, he said sex!" Ed interrupted. "You think she'll move that fast?" Eddy said with a smirk. "GENDER..." Edd said through gritted teeth "Then you must behave appropriately. If you don't, then I'll have to ask you to leave!"
It seemed to finally get through to them at that point. Ed and Eddy finally realized he was serious. They mumbled their apologies and slunk back to the table like obedient puppies. Almost. "It's the testosterone" Eddy whispered into Ed's ear, making a circular motion against his own head to indicate craziness "-it screws with your mind!"
What Edd didn't realize that the other two's antics were providing a twisted sort of distraction, and giving he and Sarah an opportunity to focus on something other then the date itself (and each other, of course!) Without Ed and Eddy making a scene, the table quickly became extremely awkward. Edd was afraid to even eat because he would be so mortified if he got a stain on his tuxedo or got something stuck in his gap- not that he could eat with all of the butterflies in his stomach. Eventually, Sarah stood up, pushing her food away.
"I'm done." "So am I..." Edd replied, going over to the trash to throw out his food.
"Hey...Double Dee? Could you please come out here on the porch?" Sarah inquired, after shooting a glance at the other two "Alone?"
Of course!" Edd said with a smile, leading her towards it. In a way, he was relieved to get away from the other two- being best friends meant sharing a lot of things, but dates aren't one of them.
"Yeah, right!" Eddy muttered to himself. "Come on" he said to Ed, who was still staring at the Jell-O, waiting for it to 'attack' again.
Ed and Eddy waited until the other two left the room, then sneaked over to the screen door to peek out at them like toddlers looking for Santa. Edd and Sarah stood out along on the porch. It was a beautiful night. The crickets were chirping loudly, as if warning the world that summer was coming to an end.
The two sat outside. Edd was expecting to get told off- he knew from experience that Sarah was just barley holding her temper back at the table. He cleared his throat, speaking in a tone slightly altered by nervousness. "Sarah, I...I wanted to apologize for my friend's conduct. They behaved terribly."
Sarah nodded "It's okay, though. Eddy was just being his usual idiot self. And Ed's just...Ed." Edd smiled slightly "So you didn't have a truly horrible time?"
Sarah smiled back at him, inching a little closer "Nope. In fact, with the exception of those two, I really enjoyed myself."
"Really?" Was she serious? This had to be a guilt thing." Really" She nodded firmly.
Eddy, meanwhile was peering out through the glass, just barley able to make out their shapes talking in the dim moonlight. "What the heck are they saying?" he muttered aloud.
Edd smiled broadly "You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to hear that. All I wanted was for this to go well...and for you to have a good time."
Sarah took his hands in hers "As long as I'm with you, I am having a good time."
Edd looked down at their clasped hands in shock. Sarah giggled slightly.
Their faces leaned closer until they met in a short kiss on the lips. Edd immediately drew back, his face flushing red.
"Holy...!" Eddy, talking partially to Ed and to himself as he watched them kiss.
Ed frowned. Nope, he didn't like this one bit.
Edd giggled nervously, looking deep into her half-lidded eyes as the two kissed again.
"Not that I'm jealous, but Double Dee is such an amateur..." Eddy grumbled.
Ed's eyes, however, were ringed with red, and his face contorted into a snarl.
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "Ed? What's with you?" "That's my little sister he is doing..." he said in a dangerous tone. "Doing? Nah, they ain't THAT far yet..." Eddy said as he continued to peer through the window and watch.
Ed didn't have a reply for that. All he knew was that it was his sworn duty to protect his 'baby sister' from the horny young boys, even if one of them was his best friend. If Edd wanted his baby sister, he'd have to deal with big brother too.
Without hesitation, he busted through the screen door like a ram. CRASH! Both of them had a deer-in-the-headlights look for a second or two, as if neither of them could believe that they were being watched. Sarah's face contorted into that of anger, while Edd's drooped in sullen embarrassment.
"ED!" She screamed in an earsplitting tone. "Sarah, we are going home!"
Ed said angrily as he advanced upon the two. "What?" she sputtered. "Get rea-"
"NO TALKING BACK! HOME NOW!" Ed yelled. For once, not even Sarah's will could dominate Ed. She had never seen him this angry before.
He roughly grabbed her by the arm and started dragging her home.
Edd watched him leave in confusion. He was frightened by Ed, embarrassed at being watched by Eddy, and shaky about the entire 'date' thing in the first place. He peered into his now-busted (again) screen door to see Eddy.
"Ed...and...Sarah...and...leave...and...screen..." he managed to say.
"Well, you were getting down n' dirty with his sister, Double Dee." Eddy said matter-of-factly as he carefully walked through the hole Ed made. "Down and dirty?! Puh-leeze, it was just a kiss!"
"Yeah, right. But either way, he's sooo mad! Guess he doesn't like the idea of other guys laying a hand on his 'baby sister'. Boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes right now!"
After taking Sarah home, Ed refused to let her go out again or call him that night. She protested, but Ed was unusually firm. Despite Eddy's warnings to "steer clear of Big Ed until he chills out" Edd went straight to Ed's house to ask what just happened. When Ed opened the door, the angry look on his face returned when he saw his meek little friend standing at his doorstep.
"Ed, what happened? What did I do to-" "You tried to make out with my baby sister!" Ed interrupted angrily." Dear, Ed, don't you remember? We were on a da-" "Enough talk, FIGHT NOW!" Ed roared, lunging himself at the small boy when-
Edd woke up.
Groaning, he rolled over on his side and checked the alarm clock, which read 3:34 AM. Panicking at first, Edd sighed with relief when he realized it was nothing but a dream. "What a strange dream" he muttered to himself. "Me and Sarah. Heh. That's so ridiculous it's almost funny!"
He felt around his nightstand for his light when he felt a strange, curved object. Turning on his light, he stared at the item closely to reveal it was a small vial of fluid labeled "Jungle Madness"
~END~