So, here I am with another one shot because I couldn't resist. I wrote this after Headhunters, so you won't be confused.
Review pretty please. (:
Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.
- Sarah Kay
She has always been that person to sit and overthink everything, her decisions and all. Most of the time it just made her even more insecure and now she's doing it again, but she can't bring herself to care.
She's been thinking about this for some time now, because she wants to show him that he's making a mistake by pulling away and running around with other cops and bimbos.
She makes her decision, stands up from her desk at the 12th and looks at the boys while she gathers her stuff.
'Where you goin', boss?' Esposito asks and raises an eyebrow when she doesn't answer. She puts on her jacket, misses how Castle used to help her into it, takes her keys and walks over to the boys.
'I need a break. Can you cover for me today?' Esposito and Ryan nod at her. She nods back her thanks and leaves the precinct to finally do something.
She collects herself and knocks on his door, hopes that he's home, that he'll open his door. She thinks that their relationship has fixed a little bit since the whole severed-heads case, that it has gotten a bit better, but she can't get her hopes up.
She misses him. Really misses him.
She just wants him back.
The door opens to reveal Martha in a strange costume and Kate internally sighs with the thought that if Castle was still Castle, he would have told her everything about Martha's new weird shows or whatsoever. But he's not. He hasn't told her anything. Nothing in the past few weeks.
'Detective. How may I help you?' Martha's voice sounds strange and accusing as if she was blaming her for Rick's recent behaviour.
Well, it probably is her fault anyway.
'Hi, Martha. Is – is Rick home?' The woman looks skeptical, like she isn't sure if she should tell her.
'I don't know if I – '
'Please, Martha.' She finally looks Kate directly in the eyes and her face softens just a bit, but that's all Kate needs.
'I can't . . . I can't lose him. I have to fix this and I don't know what I did to make him like this. I just – I know I probably don't deserve this, but just give me a chance to fix it, because I don't know if I can go on like this anymore. Please.'
Martha smiles at her and pulls her in a hug and it reminds her of her own mom's comforting hugs. It makes her heartache even worse.
'Oh, dear. You two really don't know what to do with yourselves.' Kate pushes back her tears and leans back, tries to give Martha a smile.
'Is he home?'
'No,' she shakes her head. 'He's out with Gina.' Kate gasps and stumbles back, leans her hand on the doorframe to keep herself up.
No, no, he's already done this to her once, he does not get to do it to her again.
Please, let it not be true.
She doesn't know if he would come back this time.
'It's not like that, don't worry,' the other woman hurries to explain and wraps a hand around Kate's elbow, steadies her.
'Wha – what is he doing out with her, then?' she manages to get out and straightens herself.
'They're having a discussion about his last Nikki Heat book. And the others that should follow.' Wait, the others? He hasn't said anything about more books. And should? Won't they?
'What?'
'Richard has been racking his brains with this last book, because he doesn't know if he should give Nikki and Rook a happy ending. Two months ago, he got an offer to write 3 more books, but lately, he's been thinking more and more about refusing. I guess he just couldn't work side by side with you anymore without feeling anything, so he decided to just – '
'Quit.'
'No, darling. He would never quit on you. He loves you too much for that.' Kate's eyes fill with tears, but she holds it all back, doesn't break down.
'He doesn't. He stopped waiting.'
'He didn't. He still loves you, honey. I don't think he would ever be able to truly forget you, even if he wanted to.'
'I don't – I can't believe this. I can't let myself hope, Martha.' She pulls Kate in a hug again, runs her hands up and down her back in a gesture of comfort.
'36th and Lex. Kelly's Diner. Go and find him. Tell him everything. Good luck.' Kate smiles in Martha's hair and pulls away, turns around to leave.
'And Kate?' She pauses, locks her eyes on the readhead's.
'Yeah?'
'Let yourself hope.' She gives the woman a nod, so thankful for everything.
'Thank you,' she whispers and then she's gone.
She parks her car on the non-parking zone, but she doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything, just him.
She gets inside the diner and looks around, tries to find him.
He's sitting in the booth next to the window, looking bored while Gina is talking about something, which Kate guesses is very important.
Sarcastic suits her today.
'Rick.' His head snaps up to look at her and he jumps on his seat, almost spills the glass of water he's holding in his hand.
'Ka – Beckett?' She sighs and fiddles with her fingers. Why can't it be Kate?
'What are you doing here?' She looks up from her hands to him and then to Gina, who seems to be watching them curiously.
'I need to talk to you.'
'I can't right now,' he frowns and puts the glass back onto the table.
'But I need to.' He studies her face carefully and she lets it all out on the open, how much she wants him, needs him, how much he means to her . . . How much she loves him.
'I don't know if this is a good idea, Beckett, I'm – '
'Please,' she croaks out, puts her hands on her face.
'I – I can't, Kate.' His voice breaks on her name and it makes her want to yell at him.
'Just do this for me, Castle. Please. Just this last time and then you can . . . go,' she pleads and hears him shuffle, drops her hands away from her face to see him standing in front of her, nodding.
'Okay.' He looks back at Gina and throws a couple bills on the table, picks up his jacket, smiles apologetically to the blonde.
'I'm sorry, we'll continue this later.'
'Think about what I said, Rick. Maybe it is worth it,' she replies and he gives her a half smile, turns away to walk out of the diner with Kate.
'What was that all about?' she asks as they step onto the busy streets of New York.
'Nothing. Nothing important, anyway.' She clenches her fists by her sides and stops, stares at him.
'You've said that before.'
'Have I?'
'Yes. And it was something important, but you claimed it isn't and now look at us.'
'What? Beckett, just tell me what do you want, so I can go on with my life.' Her heart breaks into thousand little pieces. He does want to move on. He has moved on.
'We have to ride somewhere. I have to show you something.' He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
'How long will this take?'
'Two hours to get there.' His eyes widen as he walks over to her car.
'Let's just get this over with.'
She doesn't know if she should let herself hope.
She thinks she's already lost him for good.
'So . . . How are things?' He looks away from the window and stares at her like she's gone crazy.
Great, so apparently even small talk is too hard for them now.
'Good,' he says and turns back to look out of the window. She shuts her eyes for a second, remembers that she's driving and opens them back up.
She's horrible at fixing things. First herself and now this.
'How much longer?' he asks quietly and she looks over at him to find him watching her.
'An hour.' She sees him nod out of the corner of her eye and she mentally curses herself.
She should be fixing things, telling him stuff, not attempting at small talk and failing even at that.
'Castle, I – '
'Can we just be quiet until we get there? Please?' She swallows down the hurt that raises in her throat and gives him a nod, tries not to cry in front of him.
She can do this.
They don't speak for another hour or so.
'Where are we?' She steps out of the car and walks toward the fence. She doesn't answer him, because she's afraid she might cry. She just hopes he'll get the meaning and follow her, like he always does – did. Did.
She turns around to see if he's still behind her and he is, his hands in his pockets, eyes stranding to the side. She pulls a key out of her pocket and puts it in the lock on the fence, turns it around to open it. The lock slides down in her hand and she puts it in her coat, drags both sides of the fence apart.
'Beckett, I'm not sure if we're allowed to be here.' She shakes her head.
'It's okay, I know the owner.' He looks a bit worried, but then she steps onto the sand and he's right next to her, like always.
It gives her hope.
They walk for about 5 minutes until he loses his patience and stops.
'Can you just tell me what this is all about so that we can go back?' She stares at him for a moment and then plops down on the cold sand, pulls her knees close to her chest, feels the scar on her side burning. He follows her lead and takes a seat next to her, closes his eyes.
She swallows hard and looks away from him.
'This used to be my favorite place in the whole world,' she starts quietly and he opens his eyes to look at her. He looks a bit amazed behind all that anger and hurt that have taken over his eyes, almost as if he still cherishes the moments when she talks about herself.
She hopes he is.
'My mom and dad would bring me here whenever I was feeling bad and we'd just sit on the sand and talk. You know, nothing forced or unreal, just . . . us. We'd talk. And it had always made me feel better.' He's quiet for a moment, lets his eyes linger on the shoreline and the way that the Atlantic crashes into the sand.
'Is that why you brought me here?'
'I told you that I wanted to talk.' He sighs, looks at her.
'Yeah. You did.'
She bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying, but she can't stop the whimper that escapes her lips. He seems to have noticed, because she feels his hand close around her shoulder and a lonely tear travels down her cheek.
'Hey,' he says softly, 'don't cry.' She shakes her head and lowers it to her arms, hides her face in the crooks of her elbows. His soft voice and his comforting touch are too much and if it's going to be like this, she's never going to get this out.
'Castle,' she begs and lifts her head.
'Please tell me what did I do wrong, because I don't know why you're suddenly pulling away and I miss you. So much.' His eyebrows lift and then he drops his hand away from her shoulder, runs it through his already-disheveled hair.
'It's nothing, Beckett.'
'It's not nothing, Castle,' she raises her voice and then huffs out a frustrated breath, closes her eyes.
'Do we have to do this?' he asks and she opens her eyes back up, gives him a glare, although she's pretty sure it's not as scary as it should be. His shoulders slump in defeat and he gestures with his hand.
'Fine, talk.'
'Talking is supposed to include at least two people. If it doesn't, then it's not talking,' she says and he snorts sadly.
'Yeah, well . . . We never talk, so we wouldn't know about that, would we?' She bites her lip and looks at the ocean in front of her. It's cloudy today and cold, but she likes it like this. It goes along with her mood, her feelings. She's always known that somehow the sky knows exactly what she's feeling like every time. She looks down at the sand and finds footsteps leading somewhere in the other direction. There are two sets of big footsteps, like a husband and a wife, and then there are small footsteps, really small, like a child. Her stomach clenches with the realization that it's a family and that she wants it too. She wants it all with him.
'Do you know why else I brought you here, Castle?'
'No,' he replies sternly and looks away from her. She takes a deep, shuddering breath and looks again at the waves and the sand and remembers the quote as clearly as if she was reading it right now.
'''Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.''' He seems fascinated, looking at her with big, bright eyes.
'Sarah Kay,' she adds and looks down at her feet.
'It's beautiful,' he says and she thinks she hears a smile in his voice.
'It's true.' She lifts her eyes to him and finds him staring at her and something familiar in his eyes that she hasn't seen in a long time and she has missed it, but he seems to have realized that she's looking at him now, so he puts back his mask.
She's disappointed. She lets her hope sizzle in her veins, her heart, but doesn't let it take her over.
She can't lose herself in there.
'Why did you bring this up anyway?' She shifts on the sand, brushes the fallen tendrils of her hair behind her ears.
'Because it works for me and you.' He seems confused and she can't do this all by herself, she needs him to understand.
'You always come back. No matter how many times I send you away, how many times I try to deny you, my feelings for you, you always find your way back into my life. You're always there, Rick. Here.' His eyes look a bit foggy, like he's trying to hold back the tears, but she's stopped trying and opens her eyes wide enough for the salty and hot teardrops to slide across her skin and fall on her knees.
'I can't figure out what I did to make you stop wanting me and I realized that I can't do it by myself.' She pauses for a moment, then lifts her misty eyes back to him.
'I need you to tell me what I did wrong, so I can try to fix this if I'm not too late already.'
She's not entirely sure what she was thinking when she decided to ride them over here and pour her heart out to him, but she thinks that it's not working, that nothing will work, that it's over for real.
But she doesn't want that.
She wants it all with him. Happiness. Family. Life.
'You lied to me.' It's so quiet, voice barely above a whisper, that at first she's not sure if she heard him right.
'I – what?'
'You said you didn't remember, but you did. Every second of it, if I quote you exactly.' It all comes rushing back to her, the bombing case, the suspect, the confesion, the coffee, his strange behaviour. It's when it all started.
'Castle,' she gasps and feels her chest constricting, her lungs strugling to breathe. It feels like she's going to have a panic attack again, but she's not going to let this stop them from talking.
'I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry,' she says, draws in a deep breath.
'You know, you could have just told me if you didn't feel the same way about me. I would have tried to be as much help as I could be, even if only as your partner. It would kill me, but I would be there, Kate. Instead of that, you told me that you had a wall inside yourself and that you couldn't have that kind of relationship you wanted until it comes down and I've been patiently waiting, foolishly thinking that you were talking about me, when it was never me in the first place,' he tells her and she sees the tears now covering his face, too.
She wishes that she'd never left him hanging those three months, wishes she had called, told him she remembered imediately after he asked her for the first time. Then maybe they would have never be this heartbroken and insecure and hopeless at all.
And he thinks she doesn't feel the same way about him.
He has no idea.
'It was you, Castle. God, it was always you.' He drags his eyes slowly towards hers and she has to swallow down a sob that threatens to tear her whole body apart.
'I was so broken after the shooting. Physically and mentally and I couldn't stand the thought of you seeing me like that. That's why I sent you away. I had intended to call you, I really did, but then I got afraid that you didn't really mean what you said and I was pretty much still hurt because Montgomery betrayed me and everyone died and then you were there. You gave me so much hope when all I wanted was to give up. You were my light in the darkness when I though that I was dying. Your words kept me alive. And then I hurt you and you came back. As always. You'll always be the ocean to my shoreline, Castle, no matter how cliché that sounds. And I love you. I really do.'
She sees his hands twitch against his legs and his eyes so full of hope and love and happiness, finally, finally happiness.
Then hurt again.
'I can't stand it if you're just lying to keep me close to you, Kate. I can't stand it if you don't feel the same,' he chokes out and she comes closer, her hands burying themselves in the sand.
'I'm not lying. I swear I'm not lying.'
'How can I trust you?' he asks her and she brushes the sand off her hand, takes one of his and wraps it in her cold fingers. Tries to get him to understand that she's trying, that she's not lying.
'I know it might be hard for you to trust me right now, after everything, but I promise you that I have never wanted anything as much as I want you and I, Castle. Us.' He tightens his fingers around hers, closes his eyes.
'Kate. I don't know if I can believe your words.' She's desperate and aching and she can't stand the thought of him being hurt and in pain and all because of her, so she slides even closer, until her lips are at his ear and she can almost hear his racing heartbeat.
'I love you, Castle.' His breath hitches, but she's not done yet.
'I'm stupidly in love with you. Head over heels. Crazy about you. I love you,' she whispers against his wet cheek and hears him choke on a sob. She has to get it all out. She has to prove it to him. She has to make him stop doubting.
'And if you don't believe my words . . . Then let me show you,' she breathes and then, before she can talk herself out of it or before he can push her away, presses her lips gently to his.
His breathing stops; she knows because she could hear him until now. She nudges his nose with hers and then gently winds her hand that's not clutching his into his hair. It's still full of sand, but neither of them really thinks it matters, because then he's kissing her and they're kissing and she is so relieved that he's kissing her back, because it means that she can let herself hope.
She pulls back and feels tears sliding down her cheeks. He still has his eyes closed, as if he doesn't want to open them, because then this would all be just a dream or not real at all. She rests her forehead against his and lets out a deep breath.
'Don't be afraid to open your eyes, Castle. I'm still here. I'll always be here. I think it's time for me to become an ocean and for you to become a shoreline.' She feels him smile against her lips and she gives him back one of her own in response.
She knows they're not perfect. Their insides are still messed up and they have both hurt each other, but it's now in the moments like these, that all they need is only each other and some hope to let it consume them completely along with their love.
'I love you, Kate,' he whispers and she thinks she hears the echo of it when the ocean wave crashes against the shoreline.
I love you, Kate.
Always was just . . . WOW. I have no words for the epicness of this series and this episode and Andrew Marlowe and the team and please, Stana and Nathan? They totally deserve all the awards. THEY WERE PERFECT!
P.S. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG THEY FINALLY KISSED! I literally fell out of the chair when it happened. And I cried when Alexis was having her speech. And then I cried some more when the episode was over, because I realized that this season is over.
I still remember the summer of 2011 when we were practically dying because Marlowe made us wait so long to see what will happen. I remember waiting for every single episode that followed Rise and I remember every single day I had to spend without watching Castle.
I realize now that Castle has become a constant in my life, something that's always there, something that always will be there even when all else fails. I think that by watching Castle, I gained a power to control my life, to be happy more often. It has made me see that not everything in life is always black; there are also the things that are worth living for.
It's so weird now, doing usual stuff every day and not thinking about when the promo for the next episode comes out and the sneak peeks and then the actual episode.
With this season's end, I lost a part of myself.
At least for the summer.
I hope I can get it back in the fall.
(Sorry for the length of this. I had to get it out, tell it to someone who understands.)
I love you guys. You're like my family.
- Ariela