Weee, ok, nuff with the hyperness, but anyhoo, warnings on this one include language, yaoi, character assassinations, and various other sundry things generally associated with my work.
A Weiss Kreuz Fairy Tale
By Kim
It was a sunny and beautiful morning in the merry land of Tokyo. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the beloved Crown Prince Aya was awakening from a night of blissful slumber.
"Ugggggg, my head. Jeeves!!" yelled the sleepy prince.
"Yes, my lord?" the very afraid servant whispered to the prince.
"Stop screaming!!"
"Sorry your highness. Maybe if you didn't stay up till all hours of the night drinking and whoring you'd feel better.."
"Excuse me? Did you just question my actions? SHIINNEE!!!!" With purple eyes blazing, he stumbled about looking for his most prized possession, his trusty katana named Cuddles.
Ok, so maybe he wasn't a beloved prince, and it certainly wasn't a merry day for Jeeves. So it went every morning. The Crown Prince Aya would have another servant sent to the dungeon because he was a major bitch in the morning, hungover and pissed off. He spent all his time drinking, whoring, and basically being a royal terror. Fathers made sure to keep their fair sons and fair daughters, out of the prince's eye, Aya definitely did not take no for an answer. And yes, he swung both those ways. He was also terribly vain, and he believed rightly so.
While Aya was having another one of his bouts of scowling and sulking, his parents, King Persia and Queen Manx, were talking about how they could mend Aya's ways.
"Why couldn't have little princess Aya-chan been born first? Why God do you punish us so?" bemoaned King Persia.
"Persia!! How could you! That's it, you're spending the night in the royal doghouse!"
"I see where he gets it from," the king muttered under his breath.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing dear."
"I thought so. Well, back to Aya, so he is a bit vain, deservedly so. I mean, he is MY son. All he needs is to settle down a bit. I've got it!! It's about time he got married, and provided me with some grandbabies. Hmm, Persia, do you know of any attractive, obediant princesses looking for a husband?"
"Not off the top of my head dear." King Persia gritted out.
"Well, what the hell are you good for? I'll just have to do it myself, as usual!" And with that the queen stormed off, leaving king to sit and mutter once more about his family.
Queen Manx searched high and low, and two princesses...errr...umm...at least she thought one of them was a princess, were found who fit all her requirements. Well, not really. Only two kingdoms were willing to even entertain the idea of having their young royals married to Aya. The first came from large rich kingdom far far to the west of of the Land of Tokyo, a place called America. The prince's name was Bradley, and he was reknown for his intelligence and foresight into various events. Of course, this intelligence and his tendency to shoot people had scared away any and all suitors, and his father was desperate to marry him off. He was sick of losing in poker consistently to his son. He certainly couldn't say no to Queen Manx's proposal that Bradley travel to Tokyo to meet the Crown Prince Aya. Bradley was less than amused. He pulled a gun on his father.
"I knew you'd pull some stunt like this, and so I decided to prepare. Now, tell me again what you wanted?"
"That's nice dear," Bradley's father had long ago gotten used to his son's constant death threats. "Shoot me if you want, you're still going."
Bradley's chocolate eyes darkened in anger, and he shot his father.
"Dammit, this is a new robe!!" The king was wearing a bullet proof vest under his sable lined robes. In a very snotty huff, Bradley pushed his glasses which had slipped down his nose up and stomped his foot childishly.
"But I don't wanna marry that prince!!!!! He's such a bitch and so pathetic!!!"
"You are going! If you don't, I'll force you to go to community college instead of Harvard."
"Have it your way then, but I refuse to even entertain the idea of marrying him."
"You are going, and if you are chosen, you WILL marry him. That's final. Now give me the gun, and every other weapon you own." And so the poor Prince Bradley was sent to Tokyo, pissed off and not packing any heat.
The other princess..prince, came from a rich and decadent kingdom to the south of Tokyo, the Land of Kudo. This prince's name was Yohji, and like Bradley, he was not at all thrilled that he had to travel to Tokyo to possibly kiss his happiness goodbye.
"But daadd," the green eyed prince lazily drawled, "there are plenty of hot chicks here, don't need to go anywhere to marry this Princess Aya."
"It's time you stopped laying about smoking and having sex with any female that waltzes in."
"There's something wrong with that?"
"ARGHH!!!" Yohji's father took a few moments to compose himself. "Oh, and this isn't a princess we are dealing with."
"WHAT?!"
"He's very pretty."
"Really?! Fine, but I'm just letting you know I am going against my will."
Yohji's father rolled his eyes. And so Prince Yohji was on his way to Tokyo.
Meanwhile, back in Tokyo, Prince Aya was throwing a hissy fit himself.
"I refuse to marry. I am too good for them, I stand alone in this world..."Aya petered off as he stood in a corner, pouting and sulking some more while polishing Cuddles.
"Aya, stop sulking."
"I do not sulk!!!"
"AYA!! You will marry one of these princes, and that's final. If not, you can find a home elsewhere, doing god knows what, all I know is it will involve lots of menial labour and no katana or stylish trenchcoat. Do you hear me?!"
"Yes Mother." Aya stormed off, searching for a fifth of vodka and a mirror with which to gaze upon his loveliness a little more before trying on a new trenchcoat, with even more useless buckles than the last.
~Begin scary music, thunder and lightning, oooooohhhhh~
It's time to introduce the bad guy of our story. Betcha thought it was Aya, didn't yah? Well guess what, fooled you!! Ok, so I'm a bored storyteller, gotta amuse myself somehow. So anyhoo, while all this whining was transpiring, the bad guy of our story was setting an evil plot into motion. His nefarious plan was to kidnap the two visitng princes and ransom them off in exchange for rule of Tokyo. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing, but it has to be for our story to have any plot. The bad guy in question- the most evil, the most wicked, the most cruel sorceror in all the land, the feared and despised Schuldig. He didn't really hate the ruling family, he just got bored really easy, and it always put an evil smile on his face when he upset Aya's drunken carousings and quality swordplay tiem with some evil idea, because the prince himself was forced to deal with it. His plan was to send one of his evil hell beasties to kidnap the lovely Princes Bradley and Yohji.
Somewhere in the Big Dark Scary Swamp
"Ewww, there's a frog!!!! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!!!" screamed Prince Bradley to one of his traveling companions. He didn't have his precious guns and frogs were just dirty things of evil.
"It's a frog."
"Well, I'm the god damned prince, so kill it!"
"You know, if you're a prince, and that's a frog, you could kiss it, see if it turns into a princess..err, well something like that I guess."
"Like hell I would ever allow something like that to touch my person.....EWW, You are so fucking dead!!!!"
Brad's traveling companion, who he promptly kneed in the groin with some quick kung fu action, had shoved the frog right in hos face, causing him to inadvertantly kiss it. He was about to squish the offending amphibian under his foot, when it started making a freaky noise and glowing.
"Oh shit. Can anything else go wrong?" He asked the surrounding wilderness.
The frog continued to glow and change shape, until before him stood a little man. He had brown hair, which was pushed back from his face by a pair of motorcycle goggles, and was wearing a bomber jacket, some jeans, and a totally tacky orange shirt was tied around his waist.
"Who the fuck are you and why are you here?" Bradley demanded as he fixed his askew glasses and glared.
"Oh, I'm sorry for offending you. But I've been stuck as a frog for what seems forever. I'm not a prince, I'm just a florist. My name's Ken," he said as he stuck out his hand in a friendly greeting. Prince Bradley glared some more, before quickly shaking his hand to appease to the simpleton.
"I'm Prince Bradley, and so it would behoove you to leave me alone. Go back to your flower shop."
Ken began to silently sob, and even though he was a little cold, Prince Bradley felt bad for him. He pulled a handkerchief out of his neat vest and gave it to him, and he proceeded to blow his nose loudly. He kept on crying, and Prince Bradley rolled his eyes.
"Oh will you shut up you weakling!!" Ken threw himself into Bradley's arms, and soaked the sleeve of the prince's expensive suit. Brad look very uncomfortable
"There there," he offered as he patted Ken's back in an effort to remove the sobbing peasant leech. He finally stopped.
"Care to share why you just had to go and touch me?"
"You certainly are mean for a prince."
"Well, I'm not your usual prince. So why the hell were you crying?"
"Well, I don't have a flower shop to return to. The evil sorceror Schuldig destroyed it with a frost and turned me into a frog cause he said I was 'unamusing.'"
"Well you are, so stop crying about it. Do you have any other information regarding this Schuldig?"
"Yes!! He's so very wicked! Some believe he is the Devil himself."
Prince Bradley actually became genuinely interested in something after listening to Ken. He'd always had a thing for evil and power. "Hmm, do you know of anything else, or what you are going to do now that you no longer have your flower shop?"
"Just stay as far away from him as possible. Well, you are a prince, in a wild country, and you have disabled your traveling companion, I am now your humble servant, my lord."
"Get up off your knees. I'm not like that, well at least not for you. If you don't turn out to be too incompetent you may follow me and help me out of the situation I am in."
"Situation?"
"Yes, I am traveling to Tokyo, where I will be forced to parade around like some common whore for the amusement of the so called Crown Prince Aya, in hopes of recieving a marriage proposal and life of constant annoyance."
"I am so sorry."
"Finally, someone feels my pain and it's a dumb florist. Let us go. There might be more frogs."
Meanwhile, with Prince Yohji as he sails across the wide ocean
"Ugg, this humidity is making my hair all poofy!!" Prince Yohji complained complained as he lay on the deck of the royal yacht, en route to Tokyo. He certainly did not want to get married, getting tied down just was not his thing but he had heard rumours of the "Fuckability" of Prince Aya and was less upset than he had been. "Oh well, he had better turn out to be the fine piece of ass gossip makes him out to be."
Prince Yohji's ship landed in Tokyo without a hitch. What about the hell beastie, and the evil Schuldig? Well, the hell beastie was supposed to kidnap Prince Yohji, but it somehow got lost, and terrorized a small kingdom called Cinq. It's first victim, the dimwitted princess, Relena.
Back in the Big Dark Scary Swamp with Prince Bradley and his newfound servant Ken
"Are we there yet??"
"Soon enough, I think I can see light up ahead. And stop whining, it's not gonna get us there any sooner."
Brad glared and arched an eyebrow. "I most certainly do not whine!"
"Whatever, Prince." Ken was about to continue when a blood curdling howl pierced the thick swamp air. "AHHHHHHH!!! It's a hell beastie!! Schuldig has found me!!!!" And with that Ken jumped into Prince Bradley's arms.
"Why God why? Now get down. We are going to have to defend ourselves."
"Can't. Too afraid."
"So what? I just give up, while holding you? I think not!" He looked up and saw the hideous hell beastie. "While I wish to fight, I know when I am beaten. If only I had my guns!" And so Prince Bradley and Ken were captured by Schuldig's hell beastie.
Back in Tokyo with Prince Yohji
"I introduce to you, Prince Yohji of Kudo," proclaimed the introducer guy to Queen Manx and King Persia.
"Oh, aren't you a lovely thing? A little skinny in the hips though..."
"That's because he's a boy!!"
"Shut up Persia!!!"
"Yes Ma'am."
"So, Yohji, I take it your trip was pleasant?"
"Yes, considering the fact it was hot, there were no babes on board, and I'm here against my will."
"So am I," muttered the king. Queen Jane turned on him.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing dear."
"That's what I thought. SERVANTS!! GET AYA IN HERE NOW!!"
Prince Yohji looked a bit sick. She had been fine with it, until that moment. "Isn't there supposed to be another princess?"
"Yes, but she's late. Ungrateful girl."
At the moment, Aya came skulking in, a pouty scowl gracing his delicate features, holding Cuddles and in his new leather trenchcoat. Yohji fought the urge to let his jaw drop. The prince was god damned fucking gorgeous!!!!
"So this one of those princes? I guess he could be a decent lay," Aya said, barely glancing at Yohji.
"EXCUSE ME?! A decent lay?! I am pro...." Prince Yohji's tirade was cut off by a messenger running into the hall.
"It's a message, from Schuldig!! Prince Bradley has been kidnapped, and he won't be released until the ransom is paid."
"Well, what the hell does that fucker want now?" Queen Manx snapped.
"Rule of Tokyo."
"Like hell he's getting MY kingdom!! Aya, you are gonna go rescue that boy!"
"MOTHER!!"
"You are accepting this mission, or you will become a florist, you hear me?'
"Yes Mother."
"Hmm, my baby can't do this all by himself. You're gonna need some help. Send me the strongest knight in all the kingdom!!!"
And so the strongest knight in all the kingdom was sent for. While he was incredibly strong, and felt no pain, there was a downside to Sir Farfarello. He was completely fucked in the head crazy. He'd have gone on a kingdom wide killing spree long ago if it wasn't for his squire, a lively little elf forever indebted to Sir Farfarello named Omi. They worked as a team, Omi's intelligence, trickery, and ability to stop the loony knight and Sir Farfarello's strength and skill with the sword. Prince Aya definitely hated the idea of spending any amount of time with the creepy Sir Farfie, but he did want to live to sulk and stroke Cuddles for another day, so he sucked it up. As the men were about to leave, Prince Yohji came running out, packed and ready to go.
"Such pretty eyes, do you think God would hurt if they were ripped out?" Sir Farfie asked Omi. Omi simply sighed and offered a smile to Yohji. He'd long ago given up on trying to deal with Sir Farfie's dementia.
"You are such a sick fuck!" Prince Aya snapped.
"It is not your place to judge," Sir Farfarello responded as he happily licked a knife.
"Well boys, I'm coming with you. So deal with it. And there won't be any ripping out of my eyes," Prince Yohji added with a shudder, even though the knight was quite attractive. Hell, so was the elf. Yohji grinned.
Back to Prince Bradley, who is imprisoned in Schuldig's castle
"LET ME OUT!! I can't take it anymore!! It's, it's, it's PINK!!" Prince Bradley screamed as he pounded against the pink door of the pink room he was imprisoned in. "Put me in the dungeon!! Do something, just not pink!!!" He was about to start kicking the door, wishing for even a small pistol, when he felt all light and dizzy, and when he regained his bearings, was no longer in the Pink Room from Hell. He was in some sort of evil throne room. He was also no longer wearing his own clothes, a very expensive and immaculately cut white suit. He was now wearing black leather pants and matching black mesh shirt.
"Who took my suit?! That suit cost a lot of money! I cannot believe I am reduced to wearing tacky leather fetish gear, locked up in some dreary castle with poor interior decorating. I should have listened to that feeling of impending doom instea..."
"Will you shut the fuck up?! You're giving me a headache," droned a nasal voice behind him
"Pardon me?! I am a prince, and I so not shut up for anybody!" He turned around, and immediately shut up. "Oh fuck me," Brad thought to himself.
End Part One
TBC