Perfect Bookmens are not supposed to have a need for a heart. We are supposed to be impartial viewers towards the events of humans. Just people recording history in the making and not taking sides. Recording all that mattered in human history with fairness and not getting afflicted with anything, not even the names we were born with. Gramps had always told me that I had to be nothing more than an onlooker. I was not allowed to make connections to the humans I worked with. Those were the simple rules that defined my life. I took on these rules when I choose to follow the path of a Bookmen and become the heir of the Bookmen clan. It shaped all of the 48 aliases I have lived under. I never really cared for people. I lived life the way a Bookmen was suppose to, but this destroyed me. I became a hollow shell, cold and uncaring to others. I was apathetic to the world around me. I was like an unfeeling transparent ghost. I had deemed humans as foolish and stupid creatures after witnessing so many fights and outbreaks of war. seeing these actions had taken away my faith in humanity . They wasted life and time trying to fight their own species like idiots. I believed that I was better than normal humans. This idea helped me to jade my emotions and continue on my lonely path of a Bookmen. There was no need to hold emotions towards those stupid humans. A perfect Bookmen had no need for the beating muscle in our chest!
I had thought nothing could stop me from being a Bookmen. I had come so far, doing everything the way I was taught. All that seem to changed when I undertook the 49th alias of "Lavi". I had thought I had put up a strong emotional barrier that people I met before could not penetrate. I was too over-confident in my barrier and I was proven to be horribly wrong. I met people at the Black Order who broke through that barrier I put up between myself and the world. It was like my cold, unbeating heart started to beat again. I found myself smiling when they smiled. I cared when they cried. I hurt when they hurt. I couldn't control the emotions that welled up inside and exploded. Why had it been so easy for me to not care before I became "Lavi" and met these people? Why was "Lavi" not the same cold person as the 48 me's before? Why was being "Lavi" so different and hard from the others?"Lavi" still knew the rules but still decided to break them. I was not supposed to be taken in by the war but I cared for them, Lenalee, Allen, Komui, and even the sourpuss Kanda. I began to think of them as more than just useless humans, but as friends and comrades. I wanted them to survive this war with the earl.
The old panda had said that we were only on the Order's side "by chance". All for the sake of recording history. I was not to think of myself as an apostle of god. I am the successor of bookman and nothing else. This was all for the goal of recording history.I was not their comrade or ally or friend. They were just ink on paper to me. A small part of history. Soon some of them will be forgotten by history all together. There was no reason to actually befriend them. When I leave the black order after my job here is done, all of their names would be forgotten and dropped in the dust, along with the alias of "Lavi."
I never really cared for them. I told these lies to myself all the time. I was wrong. My heart went against the teachings I had learned to live by. I let my emotions get involved and this became agonizing. I thought I was different than other humans and had no need for them. I had thought I had no need for a heart. A Bookmen has no need for a heart. Ever since the incident in the ark, I started to question myself. The other "me" had called me a failure as a Bookmen because of my emotions towards my team. And now I see the emotions I feel for them are making me question the right I have to call myself the Bookmen heir. Now I wonder if I really deserve to be a Bookmen. I had broken those simple rules of being a Bookmen that were never meant to be broken. I was a failure to the Bookmen clan and I knew it. I just couldn't stop my emotions.