Batpig's Brain Freeze
Did
you miss me?!
Ah,
yes, Gotham City. A little hellhole on Earth where poor, demented digimon and
Digidestined live in fear and stupidity. Where TVs never work properly and the
Mafia is run by Jeff Nimoy. Where the only hope for man (and mon) kind is an
orange ham hock with bat ears running around in spandex. Yes, Batpig. And our
TV clip that runs repeatedly? What's that, you ask? Oh, it's horrifying. It's
painful. It's…(dun dun dun) BOB BUCHHOLZ! It's not even a clip from a show, it's
BOB BUCHHOLZ! And now, we go to Turkey Wall Manor, where our heroes reside.
"Hey,
Disney hasn't had our movie on in a while. People may forget that the whole
Turkey Wall thing came from a movie with talking animals and Ricki Lake!"
Patamon mentioned, playing with a bow and arrow he happened to steal from the
author's phys. ed. class.
"Oh Patamon, isn't it exciting? Matt and
Sora, dating!" Biyomon chirped.
"Not if the Taito and Taiora fans have
anything to say…not to mention that psycho that writes these things."
Hello, are you forgetting I am omnipresent?!
"ACK! GO AWAY!"
Cherry? Are you alive? I haven't heard from
you in months! Email me!
Just then faithful butler Joe walked in,
feather duster in hand. "The Batpig Signal is going off, Master Patamon. I
suggest you spring into action."
"Right! To the Batpigmobile, Dead…hey, where
the hell's Wizardmon?"
"I'm
sorry, the digimon you are looking for is no longer at champion level. Please
hang up and try your catch phrase again," Demidevimon said in monotone,
flapping in, eating a Jell-o Pudding cup.
"ACK! Lia! Digivolve your digimon so I can
say my line!"
But he's so much less annoying like that!
"How? He's Demidevimon!" Biyomon
pointed out.
He doesn't have that Harry Potter obsession.
I like not hearing about how much he wants to glomp Hermione. But for the sake
of Batpig… *to be read in an overly perky Tai Kamiya fashion* Demidevimon,
digivolve!
"Demidevimon, digivolve to…Wizardmon!"
"ALL RIGHT! To the Batpigmobile, Dead
Wonder!"
And the Batpig crew go down the fireman's
poles and…
"We get stuck with bunny pajamas? Fuzzy
terrycloth bunny pajamas with floppy ears and feet? For once, can't this thing
work right?"
"Patamon, you forgot the cotton tail."
"ARGH!"
~*~
By
the time Patamon and the others had gotten into the Batpigmobile and got a
briefing from Commissioner Sora Takenouchi (who now had her office plastered
with Matt posters, very Jun style), the hostage situation in City Hall had
reached a boiling point. Gotham City's mayor, our very own T.K., was being held
prisoner by (of all people) the Poi Brothers of Hong Kong.
"Kari is mine!"
"She's mine!"
"We'll blow up the mayor, and then draw
straws for her!"
"Must everything happen to me?" T.K.
whimpered.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I
miss you cupcake! (Invader Zim…GIR! We love you, GIR!) I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!"
"And I'm the re-digivolved Dead Wonder, who's
just been given twenty-seven Pixy Sticks and a Mochacchino and now I'm jazzed
on sugar! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
"Stand
back, or our messed up digimon will shoot ink out of hair dryers at you!" the
Poi Brothers threatened.
"Batpig Girl, quick, into your utility belt,
girl!"
"Right!"
"You really are pathetic, Batpig," someone
said in the shadows above.
"Huh? Who's that?" Wizardmon questioned,
squinting.
"A superhero with no superpowers, a catch
phrase you ripped off early 90's Disney animation, and the most motley
assortment of characters you could assemble. You shame your title."
"Who dares mock Batpig? Who?!" Patamon cried,
the vein in his forehead bulging, even from under his little black cowl.
A figure clad in blue,
yellow, and white jumped from the rafters, whip in hand.
"It's Ken! SQUEE!" random fangirl people
started shrieking.
"Uh, no. I am the Kaiser! Tsukini Kawatte
Oshiokiyo!"
"Lia! English translation!"
He just told you "In the name of the moon, I
will punish you!"
"Oh, and we don't rip things off?"
"I was kidding!" the Kaiser said, annoyed.
"So you are Ken!" Wizardmon cried.
"I told you no! Wormmon, ready for action?"
Wormmon swung down on a little silk thread.
"Yeah!"
"But you're the Kaiser, and you've got
Wormmon…HOW CAN YOU NOT BE KEN?!"
"Chill, DW. Look you; nobody messes with the
Batpig routine. You wanna mess with the Batpig routine, you got another thing
coming!" Biyomon growled.
"Look,
T.K. is in trouble, I don't have time for this. Wormmon, the laser, please."
"Righty-o!"
Oh, so you think that you're going to stop us
with that (air quotes) laser. We'll see just how powerful this (air quotes)
laser is against the Poi Brothers!" one of the Poi's said.
The Kaiser turned on his (air quotes) laser
pen thing and used it to cut T.K. lose. Wormmon trapped the Poi Brothers in a
sticky net, while Kaiser disarmed the bomb with a bobby pin.
"Nice use of teamwork, my friend. We'll meet
again, Batpig. Trust me!" the Kaiser smirked, hurtling off into darkness.
~*~
When
the police arrived, Batpig and the Dynamic Sidekicks were still standing there,
very confused.
"Batpig! How'd you get all of this done so
fast? Not only did you save the Mayor and disarm the bomb, but also the Poi
Brothers and Gatowomon (you know, Catwoman) apprehended? Have you been taking
steroids?" Commissioner Sora asked.
"Actually, some creep in a Digimon Emperor
costume calling himself the Kaiser did it," Wizardmon mentioned. "And he swears
he isn't Ken."
"Well, as long as he's cleaning up the
streets of Gotham I don't care if he's Ash Ketchum."
"Stupid Kaiser, ruining my good rep. How can
somebody be so vile that they ruin the name of Batpig? I'm the only hero in
town," Patamon grumbled.
~*~
A week later, and the Dynamic Dimwits hadn't
heard a single "squee" from anyone regarding the mysterious Kaiser. However,
just as Patamon was in the process of making a sandwich…
"Master Patamon, the Batpig Signal!" Joe
cried.
"Are you being serious or is this another
excuse to get us out of the house so you can have Mimi over for a make out
session?" Patamon asked, eyeing the relish with great relish.
"Would you get a move on? I just heard on the
news Poison Ivy's escaped the asylum!" Wizardmon cried in an overly
enthusiastic manner.
"What happened to you?" Biyomon inquired.
"Eh, Lia's little sisters left half a can of
vanilla frosting in the fridge. I couldn't resist."
Pure frosting…mm. I can feel my teeth rotting
in my mouth as we speak.
"To
the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!"
As they revved up the Batpigmobile, now
costumed in kilts and tam o'shanters, Wizardmon glanced over at his porcine
partner.
"Can we discuss me getting a new name? I
mean, 'Dead Wonder,' really. How about something more ominous like
'Nightstalker' or something?"
"You're the Dead Wonder, end of discussion.
And you're not going to be the 'Incredible Wizardmon Granger' either!"
The Harry Potter obsession
continues. Dammit.
"Whoa, whoa, stop the fanfic. Who the hell
are you?" Patamon cried, slamming on the brakes and sending the Batpigmobile
careening down Main Street.
Gee, I don't know. Could it
be I'm the author's boyfriend, granted author boldface in a negotiation that
gave her permission to…
"To what?" Biyomon asked.
Confidential information,
feather duster.
~*~
Poison
Ivy (whom you may remember is Palmon) sat sulking in a bank she was holding up.
"It's not fair! Why did the dubbers mess my
voice up and not any of the other digimon? They'll pay! They'll all pay!"
"Hold it right there!" came a cry. Poison Ivy
looked up to see three shadowy figures standing on a stair railing.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I
am chock full of vitamins A and C! I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!"
"And I'm still the Dead Wonder."
"Batpig Grappling Hook, away!" our hero
yelled as he propelled himself down from the railing…right into the marble
floor, leaving scuff streaks on the polish.
"Have you gone thick in the head? We can fly,"
Batpig Girl pointed out to their oh-so-inane leader.
"Poison
Ivy!" cried Poison Ivy, wrapping our heroes up in a tangle of vines.
Wasn't that a little
redundant?
Yeah, maybe a little. Hey! You're stealing my
thunder, Yamato.
Sorry. I've got to get a
move on, anyways.
"When will you learn, Batpig? Flashy
entrances only get you in hot water. That's why Team Rocket could win for once
if they didn't do that stupid motto."
"Oh no, it's Ken again," the superheroes
groaned.
"For the last time, I'm not Ken!"
"Yeah, so shut your cake holes, you little
pieces of fuzz leftover from a security blanket tossed in a paper shredder!"
someone else cried.
"Now who?" Batpig Girl whined.
"Fear me, for I am darkness itself! I am
DarkScythe!"
Sorry, but Deathscythe Hell is reserved for
Duo Maxwell.
The Kaiser jumped down from a hole in the
roof blasted there by Batpig, along with someone clad in black from head to toe
and wielding a huge scythe.
"How
about a little kiss?" Poison Ivy asked, blowing powder into the faces of the mysterious
vigilantes. They stumbled around blindly moaning and groaning for a few moments
until Wormmon swung in on a silk thread with water and a squeegee.
"Thanks, partner. Now, let's get that plant!"
the Kaiser shouted.
"Yeah, that little marijuana weed ain't
getting nowhere!" DarkScythe added.
With a crack of a whip, the fire of a few
(air quotes) laser guns, and the swing of a scythe, Palmon was imprisoned in
her own vines, singing the Lamb Chop's Play Along theme as her eyes got all
anime spirally dizzy-line thingish. Police sirens resounded.
"That's our cue, partner. Until next time,
Pig," the Kaiser hissed, throwing a handful of smoke pellets as he and the dark
warrior disappeared into the night.
"AUGH! Again with the superheroes trying to
outdo us! We're supposed to be the stars, not them! LIA!"
You bellowed, Patamon?
"My thunder has been stolen by these
so-called superheroes you created! I want their identities found out and I want
them crushed! Now!"
That's why you have a Batpig Super Computer.
"Oh. I never noticed it before."
That's because Izzy keeps calling dibs for
it. It's in the Batpig Cave.
~*~
"Joe!
Where's the Batpig Super Computer?!" Patamon hollered as the Pork Knight and
Pals hurried into the secret hideout.
"Don't I even get a 'hi Joe, how are you?'
*sigh* On the left, next to the Batpig Chemistry Lab."
"We have a Batpig Chemistry Lab?"
Wizardmon hopped into the chair and started
typing like a fiend. "Hey, I'm the only one with opposable thumbs!"
"What's it say? What's it say?"
"Blast! Nothing except junk about Ken and
some Gundam Wing guy! But there's more than one way to skin Shadowmon."
"Ew, that's a gross metaphor," Biyomon said.
"Well I have no intention on skinning
Gatomon!"
"What's the plan, DW?" Patamon inquired.
"Maybe I can come up with a pair of goggles
or something that'll let us see through those masks."
"Oh no! I ain't wearing no Davis goggles!
Leave that to Veemon!"
"We have to stop those guys though!
They're going to ruin our reputations forever if we don't!" Biyomon wailed.
"We will, we will!"
~*~
"Batpig
here. What's the dilly, Commissioner?"
The obese flying rodent adjusted his proper
cape and cowl and shifted the Batpigmobile out of first gear as his partners
mixed volatile chemicals and played with blowtorches in the back.
"We have a new villain, hooray. Somebody paid
Gomamon to get a Super Soaker, put on a pair of glasses and wear a fishbowl on
his head. Now we get Mr. Freeze and no Austin Powers interruptions."
"Great! And we'll make sure those wannabe heroes
don't show up this time!"
"Hey Master P?" Joe called as soon as Sora
hung up. The little TV screen mounted on the dash showed Joe standing in front
of the Batpig Video Camera.
"Yes?"
"Look what Lia found in her computer! It's
some random sound file!"
Yeah, my dad somehow has all these random
sound files, there's a couple Batman ones I don't know where he got, and then
there's this one that's part of a commercial from the Dark Master days that
never finished downloading! You can hear T.K. or Sora gasping in terror! It's
so cool!
"We're all proud of that. Now do you mind?
We're trying to save Gotham City here!"
~*~
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I will take over all of Gotham City and turn it into my own gigantic Popsicle!
Yay!" Mr. Freeze cried, shooting people with his Super Soaker full of
nitroglycerin-like liquid that froze people.
"Hold it, Wet Seal! I am the terror that
flaps in the night! I am the gum that sticks to the shoes of injustice! I am
Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!"
"And I'm certain Disney is going to sue us
for that opener!"
"Eat ice, Pig!" Gomamon shouted maniacally,
winging a stream of ooze at our heroes. Somehow they managed to dodge it.
Amazing.
"Here Batpig, use the Batpig Portable Hair
Dryer!" Batpig Girl cried.
"BPG, hand me the Batpig Glass Cutters!" Dead
Wonder shouted.
Gomamon suddenly pinned our pink bird to the
wall with a sheet of ice, rendering her immobile. The same soon happened to our
other heroes. You know, when their heads and feet are the only things not stuck
to the wall with ice.
"Dammit!" the Pork Knight cried.
"Then
leave things to professionals, Batpig!" the Kaiser sneered, appearing out of
nowhere.
"Yeah, so go home to Hat Boy and leave
crimefighting to us!" DarkScythe added.
"Look Ken, you and your little friend stop
stealing our thunder and let us be the heroes!" Wizardmon shouted.
"When will you get it through your pointy
hat? I'm not Ken!"
"Kais, behind you!" DarkScythe hollered.
Gomamon stabbed our mysterious interloper
with a big, pointy icicle right into the shoulder blade, a bloodstain spotting
crimson through his cape.
"Ow! DarkScythe, do the honors!"
"Right, Kais!" DarkScythe swung his weapon, a
beam of energy emitting from the blade and connecting with Gomamon's fishbowl,
shattering it.
The Kaiser cracked his whip and tangled it
around the little digimon's legs, tripping him.
"No fair! Two on one! Ow, OW!"
"Hey,
let's see how you like to be put on ice," DarkScythe snickered, zapping Gomer
into a frozen TV dinner with his own squirt gun.
"C'mon, let's go," the Kaiser gasped,
clutching his shoulder.
"Wait!" Wormmon called, pulling a (air
quotes) laser rifle out of a little holster on his side and cutting the Batpig
team loose. "There. See you later!"
The two guardians and the caterpillar digimon
disappeared down an alley, leaving Patamon, Wizardmon, and Biyomon with a
frozen Gomamon and a lot of confusion. Commissioner Takenouchi had her boys
cart Mr. Freeze off in the paddy wagon, standing with the heroes.
"Do you think we've seen the last of the Kaiser
and DarkScythe?" she asked.
"Nah, they'll probably become regulars on the
series now, like the Austin Powers Trio. Besides, I think they're another one
of the aces up Lia's sleeves," Dead Wonder reported.
Wherever you are, I'm going to find you and open
up a can of whoop a** on you, old school, Patamon thought.
~*~
On a
rooftop not too far from the battle scene, two figures stood cloaked in shadow.
"Blood's seeping onto your school uniform."
"I'm aware of it. I'll wash it when I get
home."
Nice work, gentlemen. The first mission was a
success. But I'm joining you next time.
"No way Mamma Lia! This is a man's job!"
Then how come Kaiser…
"Don't say my real name after that! You'll
spoil it for the readers!"
Ah, sorry. I will be part of the team,
though. I thought it up.
"And what are we calling our team?"
I don't know. Why don't you tell me,
DarkScythe? (You know who you are.)
"Is our pillow sack going to be a part of
it?"
If he wants to. I don't see why not, though.
"Ow, the shoulder. I'm heading home. I'll be
in over my head if I'm late again."
"Tell the old goat you were out doing
homework with a friend and a girlfriend and lost track of time. As for the
shoulder, um…freak mishap with Great Expectations."
"Like he'd believe that."
He'd fall for anything, unlike my dad.
~*~
So…what'd
you folks think of the new guys? Any guesses as to their identities? And if
you'd rather them disappear, lemme know and Batpig will send them to Outer
Mongolia. I just thought the Batpig/APT Adventures needed to branch out. I
dunno. Review or you'll receive a psycho Gomamon wearing a fishbowl! I mean it!
I will! And then you'll be sorry when you're a Popsicle!
