Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us - and those around us - more effectively. Look for the learning.
Louisa May Alcott
Derek Morgan was not a man known for patience. He was bull headed. Focused entirely on the here and now. Not what may happen in a few hours, not what may happen in a few minutes, he was focused on now.
Now was what had him terrified. He heard Reid slam the door shut. Telling him that he couldn't come in, that he too couldn't be exposed, like how Spencer had just seconds ago. So when he told him that the cure was in the room, Morgan fought Hotch tooth and nail because of the fact that Hotch wouldn't clear him to put on a suit and enter the facility to look after Spencer.
Morgan's head swam as he realized that if Spencer didn't succeed he would die. He would die like all those people in the park had. He had no patience to sit and wait to see if Spencer would find it. Hell, he didn't think he had the patience to wait and see if Dr. Kimura would find it. He felt like he was wearing a hole into the earth under his feet as he paced, and with every turn, every swivel of his feet as he turned to walk the 5 foot path he had made, he fought to come up with clues as to who this son of a bitch was. He had already one up-ed them, and now Reid was exposed.
An hour or so later, it could have been moments for all he knew, Morgan heard his phone go off and answered with a hasty "Morgan," before listening to the quiet weeping on the other end.
"Baby girl, what's wrong?"
"He, he asked me to, he had me record a message for his Mom Derek. I recorded a message for his mother in case he died! And I don't, I don't want to think about one of us dying. Especially not Junior G-man, and he's not even sure if the inhaler is the right cure. Oh god I feel sick Derek."
Derek felt his own stomach constrict as he watched them walk Reid into the tent to wash him down. Reid's sarcastic comment about them scrubbing him down brought a tight but forced smile to Derek's face. In truth there was nothing he wanted more, if it had been under different circumstances.
Derek needed to focus, needed to rely on Dr. Kimura and her expertise to help Spencer now. He needed to have faith, something that only recently he had come to find had never truly left him. It may have taken a bit over 20 years but Derek still found the same solace to falling to his knees and praying to the sky that he had when he had been a child. And now, he dropped to one knee only momentarily after he exited the sterilized tent.
"Dear God, please. Just not him. Not today. Not when I haven't found the courage to tell him the truth. Not when we haven't been given the time yet. Please. Just not him."
Once all their information had gathered, and their unsub had been apprehended and everything had been properly taken care of, Derek allowed himself to go to the hospital.
He had asked Dr. Kimura to be forward with him and what had happened to Spencer. She had explained that on the way to the hospital his speech had become distorted, due to the effects the anthrax was having on his brain. Due to how quickly he had been giving the antidote for this particular strain of anthrax, she expected nothing but a full recovery, although he may have some breathing difficulties for the next few weeks. At the moment he was hooked to steroids for his lungs, a banana bag to rehydrate him, and by his request, no painkillers.
Derek could do nothing but shake his head at the determination of the unconscious being lying in the hospital bed in front of him. He had truly been frightened into believing that maybe, maybe that kid had been given one too many get out of jail free cards. But as he looked at the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way his eyes slowly danced behind his dark eyelids, and the way his hand lay open, inviting, next to him, as if he were waiting for Derek to intertwine his fingers with his own.
Derek settled into the chair next to the bed, resolved not to move unless he saw those honey eyes open, and closed his eyes briefly. He let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding on to. He scooted the chair closer to the bed, needing to be as near as possible as he could to the genius. He knew he had finally run out of time, knew he had to tell him what was going through his head. Knew he had to tell his best friend that he had done the one thing he had never expected to happen.
He had crossed some line somewhere along the way. That line that blurred where their friendship had begun, and where Derek had somehow lost those platonic feelings, and instead had fallen for everything about the kid. The way he walked, the way he took his coffee, how strong of a person he was, how often he didn't want to admit his weaknesses. The way he often came knocking at Derek's door late into the night, knowing the man didn't mind going for a walk to shake off the nightmares.
Somewhere along the way, Derek Morgan had fallen in love with Spencer Reid.
And he was terrified.
Spencer was cleared to leave several days later, after Dr. Kimura had been meticulous in knowing he had made a full recovery. Derek had waved everyone off, sending them home and telling them he would take care of Reid. Garcia had hugged him tightly, and eyed Derek with a look quite similar to one he had seen hundreds of times as a child from his Mama.
"You best take care of him Derek Morgan. Or the wrath of the Supreme Goddess will be terrifying."
Spencer actually laughed as he heard Garcia threatened Derek, and although a bemused smile graced Derek's lips, he nodded his head as he hugged her close and promised her he would.
His discharge papers seemed to take all morning to come through and he started to become antsy as he waited for them. Having already changed into civilian clothes, he read through several books, a few magazines and played Derek in several games of poker before his nurse came in to let him know everything had come through and he was free to leave.
Begrudgingly, he blushed as Derek made him sit in the wheelchair as they exited the hospital, and had him wait with the nurse as he pulled the car around. Grabbing Reid's bag, he threw it in the back of his SUV as Reid happily got in the car.
"May I make one small request?"
Reid looked at Derek as he put on his seatbelt like a good passenger, and Derek smiled as he looked at the man next to him.
"Kid, you almost just died. If you have a million requests, I'll do my best to fulfill any of them."
Reid blushed as Derek pulled up to the light, waiting to hear what it was the kid wanted.
"Can we PLEASE get a real cup of coffee? I feel like I've been treated like a child drinking juice boxes, water, and cartons of milk for the last few days. All I want is a cup of coffee. Please?"
Derek knew Spencer Reid was on his way to well. He never knew another person who could drink coffee like Reid.
He felt like he had been anticipating this moment for a long time. He knew he couldn't tell Spencer the day he got out of the hospital. He knew Spencer would never believe him. He would tell him he was disassociating the stress from the possibility of losing him to the belief that he loved him. He knew Spencer too well to screw this up now.
He also knew there was a good possibility that the kid didn't feel the same. He knew it might hurt like hell if he didn't. If Spencer looked at Derek like he might be insane, and banished him from his life forever, Derek knew he may be able to take it. It may kill him to do so, but he would. But Derek also knew that if he didn't do this, that he might live the rest of his life regretting it.
Spencer had been put on mandatory leave for at least the rest of the month. Although Dr. Kimura had cleared him to go home, she told him she wouldn't clear him unless he took the entire month off to rest, to regain the strength in his lungs and body. Anthrax wasn't something to be fucked with. And he had learned that first hand.
Derek had been there almost every day. There had been two cases over 3 weeks that had them gone for a total of 9 days. But if they weren't gone, Derek would invite Spencer to his house, where Clooney was quickly becoming his new best friend, or he would go to Spencer's, content to watch endless episodes of Star Trek, and one Saturday completing the entire Star Wars series.
Almost a few three weeks after Reid had left the hospital, Derek knew he had finally run out of time. He couldn't deal with the fact that whenever he was with Reid, their hands might brush, that they sat a little bit closer whenever they turned on another episode of Reid's endless Star Trek collection. How Derek made sure every night that Spencer took his meds, locked the doors, and rested properly.
They had planned dinner, spending a long Sunday morning going to a fresh market and then heading back to Derek's house to prepare what they had chosen. But he knew he wouldn't be able to even start dinner before he had spoken to Spencer. He was tired of holding the words back. He was tired of not knowing if this was only him, or if they had both become accustomed to this comfortable thing they had between them.
"Pretty boy?"
"Hmm?"
Reid had been scanning all of Derek's music for the hundredth time to find something to listen to as they cooked. He had recently become quite fond of a British singer whose soulful voice was easy to keep as background noise, humming along as they got their food gathered.
"I…I need to talk to you."
Reid looked up, momentarily worried by the tone of Morgan's voice.
"Is everything ok?"
"Everything is fine. I mean, I'm fine. You're fine. But I need to talk to you about something."
Derek had sat down on the couch, Clooney jumping to put his head in Derek's lap as Spencer took a seat next to him.
"I've needed to tell you this for a long time, and I was too scared to do it. I was terrified that it might ruin our friendship, or jeopardize our work. But you, Spencer William Reid are a walking talking accident. And I'm not telling you this because of the fact that you could have died from Anthrax. Though, I firmly believe that your recent brush with death has acted as the final catalyst that I can't ignore anymore. You, Spencer Reid, are the most accident prone person I know. You can be reckless, putting yourself in situations that seem to make my heart stop. Your intelligence is never ending, but some days I swear I could listen to every word that left your lips. You are the first person I want to see when I walk in those doors every morning, and you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to bed at night. There are very few people in this world that have brought me to my knees to pray to God, and you happen to be one of them. I think somewhere along the way I didn't realize I had fallen for you in every way you can begin to love a person. There are times you drive me insane, and yet you are someone I want to spend every moment with. And I've been terrified to tell you because I didn't want you to think I was disassociating your brush with death with panicked feelings. Because this wasn't something I have been feeling for weeks. I think I've always known that I've been in love with you since the moment Gideon introduced us."
Derek Morgan was an assertive person. He was rarely ever scared. And yet the entire time he was allowing those words to escape his mouth, he had been staring at his hands that he had folded in his lap. He was terrified to look up.
"Derek."
Pursing his lips, Derek finally looked up straight into the eyes of his best friend. He was surprised to see them glossy with tears that stubbornly refused to be shed, but when he felt Spencer slide his hand into his own, Derek felt his heart stop momentarily. After that moment passed, his heart stuttered before it picked up the most erratic quickened pace he had ever felt. Spencer shifted closer to him, until he could lay his head down on Derek's shoulder. His hand never left Derek's and he wished with all his heart he could freeze this moment. One of the few times in his life that he could selfishly say was his own. He had lived his life in the pursuit of exercising the demons of his past. And now, now he could selfishly stare into the eyes of his future.
It seemed to be but a moment, but the silence was thick with the words that Derek had just spoken. The anticipation of a reply had him shaking.
"Pretty boy…please say something other than my name."
"Hell of a catalyst to bring about such a gorgeous speech. I've waited a long time to know if something like us was ever possible. And I've never been happier to have almost died. I'd do it every day if it meant you told me you loved me like that again."
Derek growled low in the back of his throat and shook his head fiercely.
"You, Spencer Reid will not do any such thing. I want you safe. I want you around for a long time."
"As long as you're here with me, I'll fight everyday with every last breath I have."
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes in to us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands and hopes we've learnt something from yesterday.
- John Wayne