Author's Note: Future fic for Kelsey. You can thank her for the angst:) This is all the angst I'm doing tho. Happytimes ahead! I also did research for this btw so the medical stuff is legit. Woo. Happy Reading!

Silence. Santana had never found herself uncomfortable with it before, at least not around Brittany. They had a special understanding and a level of familiarity that allowed them to be content with each other's presence and nothing more.

However, on these days, on these drives, the silence was nearly unbearable. Santana never knew what Brittany was thinking as she turned down the streets on auto pilot as thoughts of what she should say consumed her.

Brittany was slumped against the passenger's side door, eyes glazed and unfocused as the passing street lights cast an eerie glow throughout the car.

They were almost home and neither had said a word; there was usually at least some polite small talk about the radio or dinner by this point.

"I really...I was so sure this time..." Brittany suddenly whispered.

Santana reached a hand over and touched Brittany's thigh, tentatively, jerking back immediately when she felt her wife stiffen.

"Brittany..." she started, stuttering over her sentences as she searched for the right words. "We can just try ag-" Brittany held up a hand silencing Santana as they pulled into their driveway.

When she cut the engine, Santana didn't even flinch when Brittany slammed the door and headed towards the house without her.

She leaned her head against the steering wheel and sighed. Another appointment. Another disappointment. Santana and Brittany had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant, but for some reason the eggs just would not take.

This was their 4th try and they were beginning to lose faith that they would ever have children. So many unsuccessful visits had left the couple feeling jaded, especially after their last attempt. Santana had had to stay home from work for a week to look after Brittany that time.

~o~O~o~

When the doctor had explained that she was pregnant, Brittany's eyes had lit up. Her face had glowed and she'd pulled Santana into a fierce kiss as they celebrated.

They'd left the office grinning madly and despite it being early, Brittany had insisted on going to Kids 'R' Us that day and buying every baby...thing she set her eyes on.

"Brittany, honey. We don't even know what it is yet. How are we gonna buy things?" Santana had reasoned, still unable to keep the smile off her face as Brittany bounced happily in the passengers seat before her eyes widened and she went stock still, clutching her stomach.

"We'll just buy yellow things, Santana. Duh. It's a unison color," she'd explained.

"Unisex, Britt."

"Whatever, just turn left."

They'd pretty much cleaned out the newborn section and after stopping at the hardware store to buy painting supplies, they'd headed home and proceeded to completely revamp their spare bedroom.

When Santana was hanging the last mobile over the obnoxiously expensive crib Brittany had just had to have, she'd noticed her wife sitting in the rocking chair next to it and absentmindedly stroking her belly as silent tears streamed down her face.

Santana had moved to kneel in front of Brittany, brushing the tears away and cupping her cheek lovingly.

"What's the matter, Britt?" she'd whispered, relaxing a little when Brittany shot her a watery smile.

"I...I can't believe it's actually in there. Our baby, Santana. Our baby," Brittany had mumbled, awestruck. Her gaze had never left her stomach and soon Santana's hand had joined Brittany's in tracing lazy patterns across her tanned abdomen.

~o~O~o~

"Santana, I'm fine," Brittany had insisted as her wife dropped the spatula and rushed to her side. "You're going to burn the pancakes and then I will definitelynot be fine."

"Brittany, you just stumbled into the table, recovered, and then stumbled into the counter directly after. Something is not right," Santana had argued, sparing a fleeting glance over her shoulder at the smoking frying pan.

Brittany had sighed heavily and begrudgingly leaned her weight onto Santana as she'd led her into the living room and towards the couch; she'd been depositing Brittany there more and more often as the weeks had gone by.

"It's really nothing, San. I just got a little dizzy. No big deal."

Santana had wanted to say that it was a big deal since Brittany had been having these random spouts of dizziness with increasing frequency but she'd resigned herself to nodding tiredly.

"Just...please sit down. I'll finish breakfast. You just...sit."

Santana had headed back into the kitchen, tossing the burned pancake and finishing the rest before joining Brittany on the couch with two plates. Brittany had accepted the food gratefully, wincing slightly as she stretched out her arm to grab the syrup from the coffee table.

"Britt...," Santana had started slowly, watching her wife purposely focus her gaze on her plate. "Is your shoulder acting up again?"

Brittany had shrugged, immediately regretting the motion as she winced more obviously. "I mean, it's just a little stiff. I probably just worked it a little too much with the younger kids yesterday," she'd mumbled without meeting Santana's eyes.

Since she'd been pregnant, Brittany had been lessening her teaching schedule at the dance studio slowly, so that when she went on maternity leave it wouldn't be such a shock. She'd been taking it easy and only consulting and observing in her classes while the teacher's aid did most of the demonstrations.

She'd said it was because she wanted to get her assistant ready to take over, but Santana had seen the way Brittany had begun flinching just a little when she did a spin or popped her arms too sharply.

"Brittany, it's been sore for about 3 weeks. You're almost 2 months along now. It could have something to do with the ba-"

"The baby is fine, Santana," Brittany had snapped, and Santana had seen past the annoyance and saw the fear and the uncertainty in her wife's eyes. She'd set her plate on the table before reaching for Brittany's and doing the same.

Brittany had melted into her arms and Santana had stroked her hair gently as she whispered reassurances into Brittany's hair.

"It's okay, babe. We have the first ultrasound on Wednesday. It'll be okay."

~o~O~o~

It hadn't been okay.

Brittany had come into the office and their doctor had asked all the usual questions, "How are you feeling?" "Any discomfort?" and so on.

She'd immediately confirmed that everything was great, but after a pointed look from Santana, Brittany had conceded to tell the doctor about the issues she'd been trying to excuse away. Somehow lying on the examination table had made it all real.

She gripped Santana's hand tightly and began, "Well, I have been feeling a little weak in recent weeks. I get dizzy a little," she'd paused as she felt a squeeze on her hand.

"Okay, I get dizzy a little more than a little...my shoulder's been bothering me too..." she'd trailed off, looking expectantly at the doctor. Brittany had been squeezing Santana's hand like a vice and Santana squeezed back just as fiercely.

They had wanted nothing more than for their doctor to nod with an understanding smile and tell Brittany that everything she was experiencing was normal. Instead they'd been met with slightly pursed lips and a "Hmmm...let's just see what the ultrasound shows us, huh?"

Panic had settled heavily in Santana's stomach, but she'd tried to keep up a brave face for her wife as they squirted that blue goo on her belly and began the scan.

"I love you. You know that, right?" Santana had murmured into Brittany's ear just as the doctor let out a despondent sigh and turned away from the monitor.

The rest of the appointment had been a heart wrenching, emotionally crippling blur of apologies and scientific terms and explanations. Words like "tubular pregnancy" and "hCG levels" were tossed around but the ones that had stood out the most to the couple were "terminate" and "possibly life threatening."

Brittany, surprisingly, hadn't cried at all. When the doctor had apologized for a third time and handed her a schedule for her methotrexate injections, she'd nodded distractedly, her eyes empty, and pulled Santana towards the car.

~o~O~o~

Santana had been walking on eggshells around Brittany for about a week. Every morning she'd wake up to find Brittany lying next to her, staring at the ceiling with a blank look on her face.

"Honey, do you want me to go with you today?" she'd ask tentatively, and Brittany would simply whisper, "No."

There were only two more appointments before the treatment would be over and Santana had convinced herself that she needed to be there for Brittany at the last one, whether she wanted it or not.

When Santana had arrived at work that morning, she'd quickly entered her office and dialed the number of Brittany's doctor. Her heart had sank as she listened to the man explain the situation to her and after politely thanking him, she'd hung up and told her secretary to cancel all her meetings for the day as she headed out the door.

She'd pulled up to her house, sighing deeply when she saw Brittany's car in the driveway, and cut the engine. Santana had opened the front door, dropping her keys on the table as she looked around th darkened hallway.

It hadn't looked like Brittany had been out of bed at all that day.

She had slowly climbed the stairs, quickening her pace as she heard soft sobs coming from the room at the far end of the hall; the end opposite their bedroom. Her heart had broken as she realized what was happening and she'd swallowed thickly, fighting back her own tears as she approached the room.

When she'd opened the door, she'd been met with the sight of Brittany curled into the rocker, clutching at a stuffed elephant and sobbing uncontrollably. Santana had crossed the room in two strides, kneeling in front of the chair as Brittany completely ignored her presence.

She'd reached out a hand, wiping the tears from Brittany's face as best she could.

"Britt...baby...I-" Santana had choked as Brittany slid from the rocker onto the floor and into her wife's embrace. The tears had come in torrents as Brittany soaked the front of Santana's work shirt, fisting the material in her hands as she'd sobbed.

"San, I just...I'm so sorry. It's our baby. It's still in there...What if I'm not able to again...I just...couldn't. "

Santana had gripped Brittany tighter as the tears fell freely from her own eyes. "Brittany, I love that baby so...so much, but I love you more. I would rather have you than anything else, sweetheart. You are what's important to me. I can't-...I can't lose you, okay? Honey, you have to do this."

Brittany had nodded into Santana's chest, peppering kisses against her neck and collarbone as she held onto her with everything she had.

"I love you. I love you. I'm so sorry, Santana. I'm so stupid."

"Brittany, you're not stupid. Don't ever let me hear you say that," Santana had demanded as she stroked Brittany's tangled hair and dropped kisses to every inch of her wife she could reach.

She had joined their hands, lacing their fingers together as she whispered, "I'm going with you this time, baby. We'll do it together."

~o~O~o~

Santana sighed as the memories of their last attempt at pregnancy washed over her. She had told Brittany that maybe they should've taken some time to heal before continuing with the in vitro, but Brittany had huffed, "I don't need to take time to heal, Santana. I need a baby."

She looked up at the house, dark except for one light on in a room at the far end of the hall, and Santana exhaled slowly before reaching for her purse and heading inside.

"Fuck," she cursed as she stumbled only seconds after walking in the door; Brittany had dropped her purse in the middle of the hallway. Santana kicked it aside with a little more force than was probably needed and took a deep breath before heading up the stairs.

She found Brittany just where she'd expected she would be, curled up against the crib in the nursery and cuddling that stuffed elephant. Santana's heart clenched as she watched Brittany rock slowly back and forth, petting the stuffed animal as tears tracked down her cheeks. It killed her to see her wife's spirit so broken; to see her so lifeless.

Brittany's eyes were so empty and it looked as if she'd lost all her motivations to live.

"We're never going to have a baby are we, Santana?"

"Brittany, don't think that way. We can't lose hope, okay?" she cooed as she scooped her wife into her arms. Brittany's legs were across her lap and her head was resting against Santana's shoulder.

Neither of them spoke as they sat on the floor, surrounded by all things that had once brought them so much joy, but now were a constant mocking reminder of what they couldn't have.

"I was thinking..." Brittany whispered, fiddling idly with the ribbons around the elephant's ears. Santana could feel her body tensing against her own and she gave Brittany's arm a squeeze, encouraging her to continue.

"Since we've been trying so hard and I can't...well it doesn't seem like I can...you know...I've just been thinking...and you know Quinn thought it might be a good idea, but I wasn't too sure and then Kurt told me that I should just ask...and-"

Santana cut Brittany off with a firm, loving kiss on the lips. She pulled Brittany's bottom lip between her own and sucked. She ran her tongue over Brittany's lips, sighing happily when Brittany opened her mouth to deepen the kiss.

She massaged Brittany's tongue with her own, slowly and lovingly kissing her wife until her body relaxed and she felt Brittany's hand come to rest on her cheek. When they broke apart she pecked Brittany's lips once more before she smiled, "Whatever it is, just tell me."

A beat.

Santana started to speak but then Brittany blurted out, "I want you to try to carry the baby, San."

She was stunned to say the least. Santana and Brittany had had countless conversations about their future and Santana had been adamant about not wanting to be the one to carry them.

It wasn't something she had ever wanted for herself and now that the possibility was being thrust up on her, she felt cornered.

"Britt...I don't think that's such a goo-"

"Forget it." Brittany jerked out of Santana's arms, rising unsteadily to her feet and heading towards the door, dropping the elephant on her way.

"Honey, I-"

"No. It was a dumb idea. I'm just being stupid again..."

"Brittany you're not stu-"

"Don't, Santana. Not today. I know I am sometimes. It was dumb of me not to go to the doctor and it was dumb of me to ask you to do that when I know how you feel about it. This is my life...our life...I'm messing with, San. This whole thing was stupid. I know even you think so, even if you don't say. I love you because you never say it and you never make me feel it, but don't lie to me."

Brittany tossed one more glance over her shoulder as she crossed the threshold and into the darkened hallway. Santana sat dumbfounded on the nursery floor. She glanced around at the yellow walls, at the toys littered in various corners, at the picture of her and Brittany covered in paint and grinning at each other and she felt something shift in her.

She'd always wanted the kids because Brittany had wanted them, wanted the screaming and the scrapes and the sloppy kisses. More than anything else in the world, she wanted to make Brittany happy and in the instant she realized what it was going to take, it was decided.

Santana walked into her bedroom to find Brittany standing at the sink in their adjoining bathroom brushing her teeth and stroking her stomach lazily. It didn't appear that she even realized her action, and the sight only served to solidify Santana's decision.

She walked up behind Brittany, wrapping her arms around her and kissing the back of neck lightly. Brittany leaned into the embrace, humming around her toothbrush as Santana's kisses migrated around to her cheek.

Their eyes met in the mirror and Santana swallowed once as Brittany eyed her expectantly; she always knew when Santana had something to say.

Santana tightened her grip around her wife, drug in a shaky breath, and whispered, "I'll do it."

Thanks so much for reading! Drop a review if you're so inclined:)