What's With the Tanktop?
by Aislin Oriel & Dartonus Oriel
Rated PG13 for use of suggestive innuendoes (painful visuals) and moderate language.
*Disclaimer: Wait, why do I need a disclaimer anyway? After all, this IS fanfiction, obviously suggesting that it is non-official and any profit wouldn't be getting to me who is under a penname alias. Oh hell, why not. It isn't mine. End discussion.*
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After an extensively tedious day of piloting for no reason, Heero Yuy decided to retire to his quarters to type up the usual report (of no importance) on his overused laptop, on which the letters, numbers and symbols on the buttons were worn down to being almost not distinguish-able. Clicking and beeping ensued as he wrote the following,
Date: December 31, AC 195 Time: 4:36pm
After a report from Commander Po, Lieutenant Noin and other Preventers of a new mobile suit model, I was asked to take Wing Zero and investigate. After 6 hours in the L3 area, no more of this "Neo-Titanium" was found. Otherwise the results that were taken, were inconclusive.
(Translation by Duo)
After being bitched at from the "man in a woman's body" and the "woman in a man's body", I spent the entire day doing their shit for them (I sat in Wing Zero for six hours with the Zero System flashing mile a minute pics of Relena being kinky. . .). After I found sweet diddly all, I decide "Awww, screw it!" and came to write yet another one of these useless things. On the other hand I got away from everybody and had to do no thinking.
Heero Yuy
Just as this strange translation showed up on his beloved, he heard Duo laughing as he usually did, very loudly. Yet something was amiss, Heero thought, "He may have wrote it, but he can't use a microwave without the usual boom." That's when he decided to investigate. Long story short, he walked through his doorway and into Duo's room. Yet Heero came to such a shock that he nearly gaped, but didn't, his face wouldn't let him. Instead of Duo infront of the computer, it was Trowa, and he was actually laughing. Duo was on the ground laughing when he saw a revolver pointed at him. "Oh, hi Heero," said Duo as Trowa spun out of the chair so fast he fell, of course landing totally unruffled, as only Trowa can. "So what did you think of my translation?" asked Duo, "There's an added bonus". "Yes for the low price of my knowledge, possibly a bullet, of which I can dodge, a virus has been sent into your logs," said revengeful Trowa. Realising his precious was in danger, he ran to his laptop. Finding his logs gone, he screamed "BLOODY MURDER!!!!!!!!" (Yes he actually screamed!) In sadness he fell to the floor, but Relena was not going to catch him, not this time. Instead he fell with a sudden thud (bouncing twice) as Relena said to Trowa, "Now nothing stands in the way of me and Heero! Mwa ha ha." Realising that he may have actually "ruffled Heero's feathers", Trowa went to see if he was ok. Looking to see that Heero was infact alright he made it seem worse than it actually was. "Relena!" Trowa called, "Heero cut off his genitalia! He must have had a open knife in his universal tights, but this time you did not catch him." Quickly pouring some ketchup on the floor around him, and making sure that Heero was unconsious, he let Relena in, holding back a uncharacteristically- Trowa roar or two. (He's been around them so long, he actually thinks he's a lion. Chalk it up to amnesia.) Seeing her face bleak was priceless and he went to tell Duo of the victory. Relena went to Heero and flipped him over to find that it was a prank. (And that Trowa had knocked him unconsious with a couple kicks to the head.) Teary eyed and shocked she turned around to find Trowa and Duo cracking up in the hallway. Not realising that he was still holding the ketchup, Trowa contorted under the laughter, squeezing the bottle. With his unparalleled strength (and un-existing brain), the bottle exploded open and right into Relena's face. When this happened Duo fell to the floor and peed himself laughing. Trowa on the other hand mysteriously disappeared. (Actually he just shifted into hatrack-mode.) Halfway down the hallway, two voices screamed in unison, "Trowa!" "Uh-oh." was Trowa's response as he saw a side of Relena that only appeared mysteriously once a blue moon. Also Heero found his gun intelligently filled with ketchup so it didn't work, as a precaution. "She told me to screw up your computer." said Trowa in defence. "And who am I to resist a woman's request?" (Boy that sounded bad, didn't it?) "And you need to just screw him and get it- oops!" Duo stopped mid- sentence. Both Heero and Relena went white but Relena was the first to reply. "It's those damn tights that keep getting in the way, they're glued on or something!". Heero replied in extreme joy, "Not to worry, I've built a device that has amended this problem." Trowa immediately fears the worst, after all it goes like this...
Heero, Duo and Milliardo break it, Quatre and Trowa fix it, And Wufei is the perturbed prick.
Relena gave Heero "the look" and smiled slightly, whilst rubbing her hands together. "See here." and with that, Heero presented his esteemed invention to solve all aforementioned annoyances. "Whadda ya call that Heero. As if I hafta ask." Duo groaned after one look at the what could only be a detonation device. "Well, it's my handy-dandy, Self-Depantsing Button." Heero said with all the pride Heero could muster, so don't worry, it's not that scary-much. "Um, I guess we'll leave it to the reader's imagination as to how it actually works." Trowa said in a manner of utter distaste. "Nuh-uh! I wanna see what the hell it's sapposta do!" Duo insisted while swiping the device from unsuspecting Heero. "No, Duo! Wait! You don't really want to see - and no pants!" Trowa blurted out the middle part so fast (and impossible-like for a human let alone Trowa - or even a chipmunk on fast-forward) that it was not heard. But it was too late, the damage had already been dealt. It came in the form of something like Wufei in hyper-fast speed, wielding his katana. And well, you can guess the rest. "Wow! That looked close - and sharp and -. Is everything still there?" Relena asked in concern, at Heero almost being (echem-ed) twice in one day. They all stared at the shredded-spandex remains of what used to be Heero's shorts. Relena glanced over Heero's shoulder (since she had ducked and hid behind him seeing the rabid Chang Wufei and remembering just how much he loves her) to inspect the work of the Self-Depantsing Button. "Don't worry. It's under here." Heero mumbled, still taken aback by the sudden pants-less-ness. "That's one long tanktop you've got there, eh Heero?" Duo asked. "Hn." he nodded in confirmation. Trowa refraining to look asked, "Is it over yet?" (He was just holding himself back, ya-see. . .) "Yes Trowa, you can look now, there's nothing to see." Relena said and she muttered to herself, "Damn tank-top . . ." "Ya, that explains why you were always wearin' them shorts of yours!" exclaimed Duo, and he continued, "Well Relena, our job is done. Are you going to pass this one up?" In a majestically scary voice, Relena yelled (and jumped . . . and clapped . . . and did something close to a river dance . . .) "It is time!" Hearing her yell from down the hall, Dorothy had to investigate the reason behind this little occurrence. As her head poked out of the door she said, "Miss Relena did you - wha ha? What is he doing out of his shorts!?" she was cut off at the sight of him in a tank top and nothing else. Thinking to herself, Relena realised, "Damn! I owe Wufei one! Crap . . . I'll just give Sally a little money and an address..." Relena gave herself some praise at her new idea (with a pat on the back and indulged in another river dance). "Miss Relena, how did this happen?" Dorothy continued, "What did you do!? Tell me!" "Heero actually built something that didn't malfunction," Relena replied. "What did he build?" "A, and I quote, handy-dandy Self-Depantsing Button." "And it works?" "To an extent . . . I guess . . ." "What do you mean by that?" "Duo pushed the button, but Wufei still cut Heero's pants off." "Wufei, I'm confused, how did he come into the equation?" "I too am confused, but hey he is officially out of his pants!" "Hmmmm, I wonder . . ." She gallantly moved over to Duo and gave him sad puppy dog eyes as she said, "Duo may I borrow the button?" In response to her scary attempt at being cute he gave her the button, ran into his room and locked the door. He also checked the air vent to make sure that Wufei would not be able to sneak in and cut off his pants or any of his body's other extremities. In the meantime, Dorothy called over Trowa and asked, "Will you stand here and stare at this wall? I swear I say, it moved and, well, you are the expert so..." "Right here?" Trowa asked but got no reply as Dorothy ran into Heero's room with a giggling Relena following. The next sequence of events went by so fast that Trowa would not say anything (as usual), but thank goodness for that fact (no typo) and that his door was open down the hall, where resided many other identical pairs of paint-on blue jeans. (He didn't want anyone to see his new Calvin Klein briefs and his turtle-neck wasn't long enough to become a dress like Heero's shirt did.) Dorothy peeked out to see if everything was safe a few minutes later. But to her shock Trowa was standing in pants still staring at the wall. He turned to Dorothy who was looking quite confused and said, "No I think that it isn't moving." (And it is just that arrangement of words that exhibits why Trowa doesn't talk much.) "What happened?" asked Dorothy. "Acrobatics." replied Trowa. "Oh, you better have a tanktop!!!" With that Dorothy ran into his room and all that was seen was miscellaneous items of clothing flying out the door. Sally Po, Hilde Schbeiker, Catherine Bloom, and Lucretia (aka Lucy/Lucifer/Satan) Noin (all who where coincidentally staying in the same place as they commonly are in the world of fanfiction), came to see what all the "kafuffle" was about. "HA. I found it!" Dorothy screamed in triumph as Trowa turned a shade of white that rivalled his clown mask. From there the story was told to the 4 questioning women who all had a try at the button. Unfortunately in Sally's case (and fortunately for a visually-learning reader - or in my case, writer), it did not work because Wufei is not that talented (well we know that!) at cutting wood (no pun intended). From there all the tanktops were found but Duo did not need that method. For he had the pants for two. (Eww . . . my mind isn't even that twisted!) Lucy and Catherine ran off to find Milliardo and Quatre who were both undoubtably working and were not to be disturbed. Duo, on the other hand, informed everyone (here's another visual) that he was gonna borrow a Preventer vehicle because they supposedly have really big back seats. (Ugh . . .) And off he went with Hilde.
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And that, my friends, is why Heero wears jeans from then on. (But he loves that tanktop!) How's that for an explanation?
End.
Thanks for reading, if you would like my comments on the character pairings I used, read on to the Authoress Note. If it has no significance to you, don't bother because it is quite long and pointless otherwise. Also, all bashing of characters was done for pure comic relief, and I hold nothing against any of them. My friends just do- ie: Allusia Starkiller, Hilde_Rose, and my penname brother, Dartonus Oriel. Again, arigato & r/r. ~Aislin
(AN: As a further closing note, yes, I am all for Trowa/Dorothy & Quatre/Cathy. I find that they are good together and support their shippers. Plus, it's cruel to put Quatre with the ferocious War-Maniac - tho he too has his moments! Yeah sure opposites attract, but that is irrelevant. Take for example my #1 fav. couple. Yeah, as different as night and day in some ways and one vowed to kill the other - and failed miserably. In the Quatre & Dorothy situation, however, neither knew each other (or wished to), no promises to meet with certain demise were bestowed - just a nice stab with a fencing rapier. Now that's love! Riiight. Trowa infact was the first to really take pity on Dorothy and her ways and see her true self. (Regarding to the remark about her not crying after the actual stabbing-of-poor-little-Quatre incident and her grandfather dying.) And as for Quatre/Cathy, I'll make this short. Catherine + Trowa = too weird for the whole siblingness/ might as well be siblingness (I'm not really for incestral relationships . . .). I think that Quatre & Cathy would be cute together (partially on behalf of being exposed to some really good fics of that sort,) and I like the thought of "when Quatre and Trowa are not portrayed as gay in a story, they are like brothers to each other because Quatre is with Trowa's sis." Some would argue with this, since even in the series it is hard to believe that they're just "really close brotherly friends" but when I write a het. fic I like the whole pal thing. When I don't however, my yaoi's are more of a innuendo-ish sort - and undoubtably humour (as most are). So, all in all, I support everything when reading - but like to use 3/D & 4/C in my own stories. I am usually NON- yaoi, but I am not ANTI-yaoi.)
Rated PG13 for use of suggestive innuendoes (painful visuals) and moderate language.
*Disclaimer: Wait, why do I need a disclaimer anyway? After all, this IS fanfiction, obviously suggesting that it is non-official and any profit wouldn't be getting to me who is under a penname alias. Oh hell, why not. It isn't mine. End discussion.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After an extensively tedious day of piloting for no reason, Heero Yuy decided to retire to his quarters to type up the usual report (of no importance) on his overused laptop, on which the letters, numbers and symbols on the buttons were worn down to being almost not distinguish-able. Clicking and beeping ensued as he wrote the following,
Date: December 31, AC 195 Time: 4:36pm
After a report from Commander Po, Lieutenant Noin and other Preventers of a new mobile suit model, I was asked to take Wing Zero and investigate. After 6 hours in the L3 area, no more of this "Neo-Titanium" was found. Otherwise the results that were taken, were inconclusive.
(Translation by Duo)
After being bitched at from the "man in a woman's body" and the "woman in a man's body", I spent the entire day doing their shit for them (I sat in Wing Zero for six hours with the Zero System flashing mile a minute pics of Relena being kinky. . .). After I found sweet diddly all, I decide "Awww, screw it!" and came to write yet another one of these useless things. On the other hand I got away from everybody and had to do no thinking.
Heero Yuy
Just as this strange translation showed up on his beloved, he heard Duo laughing as he usually did, very loudly. Yet something was amiss, Heero thought, "He may have wrote it, but he can't use a microwave without the usual boom." That's when he decided to investigate. Long story short, he walked through his doorway and into Duo's room. Yet Heero came to such a shock that he nearly gaped, but didn't, his face wouldn't let him. Instead of Duo infront of the computer, it was Trowa, and he was actually laughing. Duo was on the ground laughing when he saw a revolver pointed at him. "Oh, hi Heero," said Duo as Trowa spun out of the chair so fast he fell, of course landing totally unruffled, as only Trowa can. "So what did you think of my translation?" asked Duo, "There's an added bonus". "Yes for the low price of my knowledge, possibly a bullet, of which I can dodge, a virus has been sent into your logs," said revengeful Trowa. Realising his precious was in danger, he ran to his laptop. Finding his logs gone, he screamed "BLOODY MURDER!!!!!!!!" (Yes he actually screamed!) In sadness he fell to the floor, but Relena was not going to catch him, not this time. Instead he fell with a sudden thud (bouncing twice) as Relena said to Trowa, "Now nothing stands in the way of me and Heero! Mwa ha ha." Realising that he may have actually "ruffled Heero's feathers", Trowa went to see if he was ok. Looking to see that Heero was infact alright he made it seem worse than it actually was. "Relena!" Trowa called, "Heero cut off his genitalia! He must have had a open knife in his universal tights, but this time you did not catch him." Quickly pouring some ketchup on the floor around him, and making sure that Heero was unconsious, he let Relena in, holding back a uncharacteristically- Trowa roar or two. (He's been around them so long, he actually thinks he's a lion. Chalk it up to amnesia.) Seeing her face bleak was priceless and he went to tell Duo of the victory. Relena went to Heero and flipped him over to find that it was a prank. (And that Trowa had knocked him unconsious with a couple kicks to the head.) Teary eyed and shocked she turned around to find Trowa and Duo cracking up in the hallway. Not realising that he was still holding the ketchup, Trowa contorted under the laughter, squeezing the bottle. With his unparalleled strength (and un-existing brain), the bottle exploded open and right into Relena's face. When this happened Duo fell to the floor and peed himself laughing. Trowa on the other hand mysteriously disappeared. (Actually he just shifted into hatrack-mode.) Halfway down the hallway, two voices screamed in unison, "Trowa!" "Uh-oh." was Trowa's response as he saw a side of Relena that only appeared mysteriously once a blue moon. Also Heero found his gun intelligently filled with ketchup so it didn't work, as a precaution. "She told me to screw up your computer." said Trowa in defence. "And who am I to resist a woman's request?" (Boy that sounded bad, didn't it?) "And you need to just screw him and get it- oops!" Duo stopped mid- sentence. Both Heero and Relena went white but Relena was the first to reply. "It's those damn tights that keep getting in the way, they're glued on or something!". Heero replied in extreme joy, "Not to worry, I've built a device that has amended this problem." Trowa immediately fears the worst, after all it goes like this...
Heero, Duo and Milliardo break it, Quatre and Trowa fix it, And Wufei is the perturbed prick.
Relena gave Heero "the look" and smiled slightly, whilst rubbing her hands together. "See here." and with that, Heero presented his esteemed invention to solve all aforementioned annoyances. "Whadda ya call that Heero. As if I hafta ask." Duo groaned after one look at the what could only be a detonation device. "Well, it's my handy-dandy, Self-Depantsing Button." Heero said with all the pride Heero could muster, so don't worry, it's not that scary-much. "Um, I guess we'll leave it to the reader's imagination as to how it actually works." Trowa said in a manner of utter distaste. "Nuh-uh! I wanna see what the hell it's sapposta do!" Duo insisted while swiping the device from unsuspecting Heero. "No, Duo! Wait! You don't really want to see - and no pants!" Trowa blurted out the middle part so fast (and impossible-like for a human let alone Trowa - or even a chipmunk on fast-forward) that it was not heard. But it was too late, the damage had already been dealt. It came in the form of something like Wufei in hyper-fast speed, wielding his katana. And well, you can guess the rest. "Wow! That looked close - and sharp and -. Is everything still there?" Relena asked in concern, at Heero almost being (echem-ed) twice in one day. They all stared at the shredded-spandex remains of what used to be Heero's shorts. Relena glanced over Heero's shoulder (since she had ducked and hid behind him seeing the rabid Chang Wufei and remembering just how much he loves her) to inspect the work of the Self-Depantsing Button. "Don't worry. It's under here." Heero mumbled, still taken aback by the sudden pants-less-ness. "That's one long tanktop you've got there, eh Heero?" Duo asked. "Hn." he nodded in confirmation. Trowa refraining to look asked, "Is it over yet?" (He was just holding himself back, ya-see. . .) "Yes Trowa, you can look now, there's nothing to see." Relena said and she muttered to herself, "Damn tank-top . . ." "Ya, that explains why you were always wearin' them shorts of yours!" exclaimed Duo, and he continued, "Well Relena, our job is done. Are you going to pass this one up?" In a majestically scary voice, Relena yelled (and jumped . . . and clapped . . . and did something close to a river dance . . .) "It is time!" Hearing her yell from down the hall, Dorothy had to investigate the reason behind this little occurrence. As her head poked out of the door she said, "Miss Relena did you - wha ha? What is he doing out of his shorts!?" she was cut off at the sight of him in a tank top and nothing else. Thinking to herself, Relena realised, "Damn! I owe Wufei one! Crap . . . I'll just give Sally a little money and an address..." Relena gave herself some praise at her new idea (with a pat on the back and indulged in another river dance). "Miss Relena, how did this happen?" Dorothy continued, "What did you do!? Tell me!" "Heero actually built something that didn't malfunction," Relena replied. "What did he build?" "A, and I quote, handy-dandy Self-Depantsing Button." "And it works?" "To an extent . . . I guess . . ." "What do you mean by that?" "Duo pushed the button, but Wufei still cut Heero's pants off." "Wufei, I'm confused, how did he come into the equation?" "I too am confused, but hey he is officially out of his pants!" "Hmmmm, I wonder . . ." She gallantly moved over to Duo and gave him sad puppy dog eyes as she said, "Duo may I borrow the button?" In response to her scary attempt at being cute he gave her the button, ran into his room and locked the door. He also checked the air vent to make sure that Wufei would not be able to sneak in and cut off his pants or any of his body's other extremities. In the meantime, Dorothy called over Trowa and asked, "Will you stand here and stare at this wall? I swear I say, it moved and, well, you are the expert so..." "Right here?" Trowa asked but got no reply as Dorothy ran into Heero's room with a giggling Relena following. The next sequence of events went by so fast that Trowa would not say anything (as usual), but thank goodness for that fact (no typo) and that his door was open down the hall, where resided many other identical pairs of paint-on blue jeans. (He didn't want anyone to see his new Calvin Klein briefs and his turtle-neck wasn't long enough to become a dress like Heero's shirt did.) Dorothy peeked out to see if everything was safe a few minutes later. But to her shock Trowa was standing in pants still staring at the wall. He turned to Dorothy who was looking quite confused and said, "No I think that it isn't moving." (And it is just that arrangement of words that exhibits why Trowa doesn't talk much.) "What happened?" asked Dorothy. "Acrobatics." replied Trowa. "Oh, you better have a tanktop!!!" With that Dorothy ran into his room and all that was seen was miscellaneous items of clothing flying out the door. Sally Po, Hilde Schbeiker, Catherine Bloom, and Lucretia (aka Lucy/Lucifer/Satan) Noin (all who where coincidentally staying in the same place as they commonly are in the world of fanfiction), came to see what all the "kafuffle" was about. "HA. I found it!" Dorothy screamed in triumph as Trowa turned a shade of white that rivalled his clown mask. From there the story was told to the 4 questioning women who all had a try at the button. Unfortunately in Sally's case (and fortunately for a visually-learning reader - or in my case, writer), it did not work because Wufei is not that talented (well we know that!) at cutting wood (no pun intended). From there all the tanktops were found but Duo did not need that method. For he had the pants for two. (Eww . . . my mind isn't even that twisted!) Lucy and Catherine ran off to find Milliardo and Quatre who were both undoubtably working and were not to be disturbed. Duo, on the other hand, informed everyone (here's another visual) that he was gonna borrow a Preventer vehicle because they supposedly have really big back seats. (Ugh . . .) And off he went with Hilde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And that, my friends, is why Heero wears jeans from then on. (But he loves that tanktop!) How's that for an explanation?
End.
Thanks for reading, if you would like my comments on the character pairings I used, read on to the Authoress Note. If it has no significance to you, don't bother because it is quite long and pointless otherwise. Also, all bashing of characters was done for pure comic relief, and I hold nothing against any of them. My friends just do- ie: Allusia Starkiller, Hilde_Rose, and my penname brother, Dartonus Oriel. Again, arigato & r/r. ~Aislin
(AN: As a further closing note, yes, I am all for Trowa/Dorothy & Quatre/Cathy. I find that they are good together and support their shippers. Plus, it's cruel to put Quatre with the ferocious War-Maniac - tho he too has his moments! Yeah sure opposites attract, but that is irrelevant. Take for example my #1 fav. couple. Yeah, as different as night and day in some ways and one vowed to kill the other - and failed miserably. In the Quatre & Dorothy situation, however, neither knew each other (or wished to), no promises to meet with certain demise were bestowed - just a nice stab with a fencing rapier. Now that's love! Riiight. Trowa infact was the first to really take pity on Dorothy and her ways and see her true self. (Regarding to the remark about her not crying after the actual stabbing-of-poor-little-Quatre incident and her grandfather dying.) And as for Quatre/Cathy, I'll make this short. Catherine + Trowa = too weird for the whole siblingness/ might as well be siblingness (I'm not really for incestral relationships . . .). I think that Quatre & Cathy would be cute together (partially on behalf of being exposed to some really good fics of that sort,) and I like the thought of "when Quatre and Trowa are not portrayed as gay in a story, they are like brothers to each other because Quatre is with Trowa's sis." Some would argue with this, since even in the series it is hard to believe that they're just "really close brotherly friends" but when I write a het. fic I like the whole pal thing. When I don't however, my yaoi's are more of a innuendo-ish sort - and undoubtably humour (as most are). So, all in all, I support everything when reading - but like to use 3/D & 4/C in my own stories. I am usually NON- yaoi, but I am not ANTI-yaoi.)