You watch him from across the room as he makes conversation. You smile when you see the happy grin on his face, your heart elated for a moment, and you can't remember the last thing that was said to you by your boss. You mentally shake your head and try to focus on your task, but you can't help but glance over at him again. He isn't the most gorgeous man by society's standards, but your heart melts a little eveytime you see his face.
No one knows how you feel; you won't tell them. If anyone knew about your greatest secret, your greatest weakness, you might never be able to look at his face again. You love him, and you hate yourself for it. This dilemma is bigger than you, but you can't help but keep this closest to your heart. You hate and love what this feeling does to you, and you're scared that it will go away. Everytime you see his face the rush inside your heart makes your stomach flutter and your throat go dry. You feel like you've never had your first kiss, and you're waiting for your head to stop spinning. Sometimes he gives you a look like he's worried that you'll fall down ill, and you want nothing more than to tell him that he's the reason your knees go weak.
You can't have him because neither of you can admit what you have. You can't because you have more excuses than grains of sand in the earth, because you couldn't bear to be the one to bring hurt to another for your own happiness. You stare into the distance in your shower every night, dreaming of what things could be, sometimes resting your lips against the tile in order to feel the coolness that could be a breath of air. You find a reason to connect every song you hear to your relationship, remembering any moment from your time together just to give each one meaning.
He walks over to you and smiles, making some joke that you can't hear. It hurts to see him everyday like this, but you don't know what to do when he's not there. He's your motherboard, and without him your system would crash. You're trapped without a move, checkmate.
You've fallen in love with him, even though you have no right to be. It kills you, but yet you can't help it.
So you go home every night, wishing things were different, wishing you were braver, bolder, luckier. You don't know if this is your happiness that's hanging in the balance because you want it to be but you're scared to make a move. You wish you had a different life, one where you were able to control your urges, stop them, make you a normal person. You have a good life, but you can't help but wonder what if?
When he leaves at the end of the day your heart will sink a little, and you'll let a tear drop on the way home, the only self pity you'll allow yourself until the next day you see him.