Database Corrupted
Rajesh Koothrappali stared down the looming, burly men in front of him. Looming, burly men with missing teeth and the kind of smell only dumpsters could achieve. Looming, burly men who were glaring at him with murder in their eyes.
He was so screwed.
"Wait, guys, I can explain!" Raj offered, though he truly had no idea why he was here or why angry goons had a death sentence for him. But that wasn't going to stop him from trying to save his skin, at the very least.
"There's no use, pipsqueak." The head gangster, who looked suspiciously similar to Barry Kripke, growled. "Your time is up."
"Eep." Raj squeaked before the group barrelled towards him. He was seriously screwed.
Without warning, a blur of fists countered the onslaught before it could harm a single hair on Koothrappali's head. Impeccable timing. Raj thought as he watched his saviour somehow dodge every attack and parry with his own.
Within seconds, the bad guys were dispelled as they decorated the ground with their lifeless bodies.
Raj breathed a sigh of relief. "Talk about your close calls." He turned toward his saviour to thank him, before allowing his jaw to drop. "Sheldon?"
Sheldon turned to Raj. "So you have heard of me, my friend. Perhaps my enemy's entourage attacked you to get to me."
Raj gave Sheldon a clueless look. "What?"
"Ah, maybe you are not as familiar with me as I had previously assumed, but as an enemy of my enemy, I am sure you will prove to be a valuable ally. My name is Sheldon Kapoor and I have come to rescue my ladylove. She was kidnapped on the eve of our wedding day as I was held helplessly at gunpoint. If I do not find a way to save her before daybreak, she will be married off to another man."
Koothrappali stared back at Sheldon blankly. What the hell is going on? What is Sheldon talking about? When did he learn to fight like that? Kapoor? This almost sounds like a cheesy Bollywood movie...
"Sheldon, are you alright?" Raj asked hesitantly. "Did you get drugged with Valium again?"
"I will not be alright as long as that depraved man intends to force himself upon the woman I love!" Sheldon vowed angrily.
"What depraved man?" This is probably just one of Sheldon's crazy paranoid schemes. He's probably finally snapped and gone completely –
Sheldon grimaced. "His name is Leonard Hofstadter."
"Leonard? As in your BEST FRIEND, Leonard?"
"Yes, we may have been the best of friends at one time, but a vile jealousy of my superior brain slowly burned inside of him, turning once-friends into forever-nemeses. Unfortunately, my incredible intellect has ironically wrought my misfortune once more, but such is the gift and curse of genius."
"Huh?" Jeez, if this is a Bollywood movie, I should be in some field romancing Aishwarya Rai. But noooo, here I am stuck with Sheldon, who just happens to be as annoying as always.
Raj sighed in resignation. "Fine, whatever, I'll play along. Who are we trying to rescue from Leonard anyway?"
Sheldon's voice grew solemn and Koothrappali just knew that if music had been accompanying the moment, it would have been tender and bittersweet. "He has taken away from me my heart, my soul, my everything. I will give up my life but I will not stop until I have rescued my dear love, my Penny."
"PENNY?"
"If we are to rescue Penny, my friend, we will need to sneak into Leonard's hideout." Sheldon explained as he and Raj began walking up the winding trail that had ominously appeared before them. Raj would have questioned the oddness of that occurrence if he had not already been overwhelmed with a wealth of unbelievable information.
"Wait, Sheldon, slow down. You're saying that you're in love with Penny and want to steal her away from Leonard?"
"Yes. I do believe I explained all of this just moments ago, but if you require me to repeat what I just said –"
Raj sighed, running a hand over his face in exasperation. "No, forget it. I'm good."
"Good." Sheldon smiled genially. Raj nervously smiled back. Ok, maybe the twist in this story is that Sheldon has a twin brother. One who's actually strong, nice and in love with Penny. That makes sense, right?
Who am I kidding, none of this makes sense!
Suddenly Sheldon was grabbing Raj. "Get back!" Sheldon hissed, trying to pull Raj back, but it was too late. They had been spotted.
"Why hello there boys!" A sultry voice purred.
Oh my god, are you serious?
Leslie Winkle stood before them decked out in a flashy sequined bustier and a tight form-fitted leather skirt that left little to the imagination. She winked flirtatiously, one hand settled on her hips.
"Leslie…" Sheldon gaped.
"Ok, who is she supposed to be in this little story?" Raj asked.
"She is Leonard's most trusted lady friend. Leslie has been by his side through it all and is hopelessly devoted to his plans, good or bad."
"Sheldon Kapoor, I know that we have never seen eye-to-eye. You are but a mere shadow in comparison to the greatness of Leonard Hofstadter. But, for once, I believe we are on the same side." Leslie admitted. "I love Leonard with all of my heart and if he marries Penny…I cannot let that happen. And so, even though I have never once had a nice thought for you in my life, I will help you find your way. I will reunite you with your lost love so that I may keep mine."
Raj rolled his eyes. "Ah, I get it. She's the vamp with a heart of gold."
"What?" Sheldon and Leslie asked in unison.
"Never mind. Let's get this over with."
Within moments, Leslie had brought Sheldon and Raj to the chambers where Leonard Hofstadter sat on his garishly over-sized throne.
"Leslie Winkle, what have you done?" He bellowed.
"Oh Leonard, can't you see that what you are doing is wrong? You belong with me. Penny doesn't love you!" Leslie cried.
"Enough!" Leonard nodded to his henchmen. "Get her out of my sight."
"No! Leonard!" Leslie wailed as she was dragged off, nothing more than a conveniently forgotten plot point.
"Leonard, your time has come. I will succeed in rescuing Penny before you have a chance to defile her with your traitorous machinations." Sheldon announced. "We will settle this today."
Leonard glared at Sheldon as his henchmen began to advance on the adamant hero.
"Stop!" Leonard commanded. "None of you will interfere. This is between me and my closest friend, Sheldon Kapoor. No one else."
"Why do villains always say that?" Raj muttered under his breath.
As the gangsters scampered out of the room Raj awkwardly stood to the side. There's no way I'm getting caught up in this madness. But I totally don't want to miss seeing Sheldon and Leonard beat each other up!
"Now you will finally taste pain, Sheldon Kapoor. Wait until you witness my ultimate weapon."
A secret weapon? Hey, that's not fair!
"Here it is, Master Leonard, sir." A small man scrambled forward, offering Leonard a device shaped like a hair dryer. "I'm pretty sure I worked out all of the kinks."
Raj started, recognizing the voice. "Howard?"
Howard turned towards Raj. "Yes? Do I know you?"
"Howard Wolowitz!" Sheldon interrupted, outraged. "You too have succumbed to the evil designs of Leonard Hofstadter? How is it that a world-renowned engineer such as yourself has fallen prey to his treachery?"
"He promised me that if I made this device for him he'd help me score with Leslie Winkle." Howard shrugged.
Figures.
"It does not matter what implement you possess, Leonard, nothing will overcome the power of love!" Sheldon announced proudly.
"Ugh, barf!" Raj gagged at the cheesy line. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old Sheldon.
"Love will crumble today, crumble in the face of power, strength, knowledge, wealth and…a really really good engineer." Leonard countered.
"Holla!" Howard grinned.
"The Brainmatic 8000 will be your undoing. This baby has been built for the sole purpose of destroying you. It uses your amazingly intelligent brain cells against you, leaving you incapacitated."
Sure, that makes complete sense.
"And then it does some other funky stuff until all of your highly advanced neurons collapse on one other, ultimately leaving you as brain dead as a character in a tacked-on comedy track."
Sheldon gasped in shock.
Leonard pulled the trigger and a wave of heat emanated from the Brainmatic 8000 and Sheldon fell to the ground, clutching desperately at his head. Sheldon screamed in agony, writhing rather pathetically on the ground.
"My brain! My beautiful, beautiful brain!" Sheldon sobbed.
"You should have quit while you were ahead, fool. Penny will be mine!" Leonard cackled.
Raj cringed. This is painful to watch. He really didn't want to watch Sheldon's brain implode. Something caught Raj's eye. Wait a second…
"Please, Leonard. I beg of you, do what is right. You were once a good man, there's still time for you!" Sheldon yelled. "It doesn't have to end like this!"
"Oh yes it does, Sheldon Kapoor. I have waited far too long. This is most definitely the end…for you!" Leonard turned to Howard. "Full power!"
"Full power!' Howard echoed and moved to amp up the juice. Suddenly there was a loud whirring noise and the Brainmatic 8000 shut off.
"What happened?" Leonard howled.
"Um, guys?" Raj called out, holding up the unplugged cord of the Brainmatic 8000. "Next time you might want to invest in batteries."
"Right, the plug. I forgot about that." Howard mumbled.
Sheldon miraculously recovered from his harrowing ordeal and ran towards Raj. "My good friend Raj, by unplugging that dreadful contraption you saved my life. I owe you everything."
"Er, it wasn't rocket science, Sheldon, don't worry about it."
"Howard, quickly, plug it back in. There's still time!" Leonard ordered frantically.
"Ok, ok. Gimme a second to get over there, Leonard, I have short legs." Howard grumbled. "Leslie Winkle better be one hell of a lay…"
Out of nowhere, Penny rushed into the room wearing a long flowing gown that sparkled intensely in the sunlight and enough jewellery to put Mr. T to shame. She was basically a bright glowing floodlight wrapped in silk; Raj had to shield his eyes.
"Sheldon, oh Sheldon! While you were all fighting, I escaped somehow. I'm free!" Penny twirled dramatically, falling perfectly into her lover's arms.
"No! This can not be happening!" Leonard growled. "Penny is mine. Mine!"
Howard patted Leonard sympathetically on the shoulder. "Tough break, dude."
"Oh Penny, my love, you are finally safe." Sheldon began crying copious amounts of tears and Penny did the same. Raj was worried they might become dehydrated from the never-ending waterworks. "It is finally over."
Penny hugged him tightly. "Sheldon Kapoor, I knew you would come to get me. I never lost hope, not for one single second."
"Please make all of my dreams come true. Penny, marry me and we will never again be apart."
Penny squealed in delight, breaking out into a huge grin. Wow, they sure do have some rapid mood swings. At least they're not bawling anymore. "Of course I will marry you, Sheldon!"
Sheldon Kapoor, dynamic hero, wrapped his arms around his heroine, leaning in to give Penny a soft, romantic and appropriately chaste kiss…
"Raj!"
Raj bolted upright, finding himself sitting on his friends' couch in apartment 4A.
"Raj, you slept through the best part!" Leonard chided. "The hero just kicked some serious butt. And he was blindfolded!"
"Plus his girlfriend was wearing a really revealing top. I love Bollywood!" Howard agreed.
What? I fell asleep? Oh right, I remember now. I picked up that Bollywood movie for us all to watch tonight. So…then that was…that must have all just been a dream. A really really really weird dream.
"I wonder if there is any correlation between the number of outfit changes and the length of the fight scenes. Raj, have you ever encountered such a pattern in one of these films?" Sheldon asked.
"Are you serious? Oh Sheldon." Penny laughed. She seemed to be in a good mood. "You're so cute, honey."
"Why thank you, Penny. I do believe my keen attention to detail is one of my most charming qualities."
Um…are Penny and Sheldon FLIRTING?
Without a word, Raj shook his head in panic and left the apartment. This was just too bizarre. He was never watching a Bollywood movie with his friends again.
Sheldon, Leonard, Penny and Howard watched on in confusion as Raj made his escape.
"What's his problem?"