You know what? I'm sick of it. Every week or so, I get the urge to read some good fanfiction. Though I'm a very lazy writer myself, I still have time to go off and attempt to find a good, well-written story that centers on what a fanfiction should a tale about the characters from the manga/anime/book/movie/ext. But alas, almost every time I look for those stories, the only thing I come upon is this 'Mary-sue, Mary-sue, Gary-sue, Shounen-ai/shojo-ai that can't possibly exist in Hellsing, badly written stories that spell Seras 'Ceras' or even 'Serace' (at least read some of the manga, it's not that hard), and stories completely irrelevant to the Hellsing plot or setting. Oh, did I mention out-of-character ness? Integra won't willingly listen to Britney Spears, guys.
So thus, a new parody is born (It's spelled wrong in some parts on purpose. Don't flip out…)
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"Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the vampiric alchemist soar above the pink militay office she personally designed with fluff cute-pinky clouds for her favorite two alchemists, Sir Edward and Lord Roy! One the girl's neck hung the Philosopher's Stone. All of the occupants of the pretty room stared at her as she pass above hise heads like a thousand raggedy hounds stare at a thousands honey glazed hams at Thanks-giving time..!.; Even the girl officers followed her with she's eyes lustfully-"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………………………………………………………………….."
Minerva sighed with the intensity of unadulterated, hardcore, x-rated emotion of a billion million-thousands of emo French kids. The fuzzy computer screen flickered with the grandiose, "to be completed" incredible story of the century that would soon grace the greatest site on earth, (according to her).
She slid her enormously sized tongue across the back of her protruding buck teeth as she 'reviewed' the beginning of her masterpiece. The grammar was so bad; Hemingway could be heard screaming from beyond the grave. That was odd, of course, considering she had nothing going for her except her surprising amount of accelerated classes. The mole on top of the seventh eyelash of her grey and dusky left eye twitched with excitement as she pondered and quivered the composition of the next brutally shoved in a bag then repeatedly beat with a ruler, baseball bat, and manatee all at once then tied to a bowling ball and dropped off a cliff sentence.
Minerva A. Moustache stopped her witch-like giggling to propel another gigantic gelatinous something that some scientists have technically but unwillingly proven to be, in fact, a hand, into the super size bowl of fat incrusted french-fries. She was no longer allowed to keep anything resembling a mirror near her gravitational field for self explanatory reason. (For people who are dense, she's UGLY!1! Ooooooo buuuuurn!)
All of a sudden, the poor mutilated chair cracked with the sound of a million 50's television sets. The hippo tumbled uncontrollably, and the last thing she remembered before the she was lost to unconsciousness was how good the fries tasted when deep fried three times over.
LA, thousands of miles away, was devastated when a record-breaking 9.6 aftershock tore through the city center struck at the exact moment of Minerva's collapse, killing more people than all the world wars put together.
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Somewhere in the middle of London…
Minerva awoke from her fatty slumber only to discover she wasn't in Kansas anymore. The usual barren, desert-like landscape was replaced by towering evergreen trees and soft, moist moss. Ferns and berry-filled bushes littered the forest and several large mushrooms poked up from behind a decaying log lying by the girl's head. The sky above the foliage was darker than she's ever seen, depicting the rural area's lack of McDonald pollution.
Speaking of fat, Miss. Mustache lay unmoving among the sweet-smelling pinecones and grasses, questioning the cruel world's ways and the reason it decided to abandon her in such tasteless, commercial-free desolateness. There wasn't even a mall around anywhere in sight! After a few uncontrollable sobs and whines from the monster, she, it, them, decided to walk a few steps to see if there was a Starbucks behind the nearest tree. Usually, standing up from a laying down position would be very difficult for her, (Minerva's parents usually ordered a crane to position her upright every morning) but this time the feat felt effortless and, well, easy.
The girl instantly knew something was wrong. Extremely, terribly, horribly wrong. She glanced downward at her body and said hello to her toes, the appendages she hasn't seen in ten long, calorie-filled years. She saw her toes! The mere mention of that fact sent her mind reeling. What's happened to me?
What has happened to Minerva? That was the question. Instead of the hippo, a young girl stood in the middle of the woods, looking at her toes in awe. Her legs were skinny and long as well as filled with well worked muscles. For a second she thought she could run a marathon. Or two. Or three. All in consecutive order. The well toned and immaculately tanned skin itself revealed the fanatic wasn't herself. Her large chest proved it She transformed into the thing she hated for years, yet always wanted to become. She was tall, skinny, athletic, and blonde. Actually, her long, wavy, flowing hair was intertwined with purple, green, and pink highlights. Even the tips were naturally pinkish green. Minerva thought it looked hawt!
The next strange thing was she was wearing a short, very, very, very, short, pink, frilly mini-skirt and the most stylish white tank top and mini jacket known to man. Her wrists were covered with expensive golden bracelets that would do something cool and useful when you pressed certain buttons on them. She fingered the pendant on the jeweled necklace she was wearing. It was dark red and glowing. On the girl's neck hung the Philosopher's Stone! She recited from her earlier fanfiction. If her theory was correct, she should have large, deep, and emotional, mood color-changing eyes as well. Minerva had quite literally turned into Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist.
It was then she heard an ear-piercing shriek coming from her left. Minerva, or rather, Nemandaria, attempted something she's never done before. She did a back flip, landed on one hand on the log, and propelled herself backwards again to land gracefully behind the fallen tree. She crouched and giggled at the same time, while still keeping a close watch at the scene unfolding in front of her eyes.
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Another scream pierced the stillness of the woods as a young woman in her thirties scrambled through the underbrush, apparently chased by someone. Or something. She stopped before the log in the middle of the small clearing to catch her breath, completely unaware of the alchemist stealthily hiding a few feet away. Stopping was a mistake, and a rather grave one. A cloaked figured leaped from behind a pine next to her and grabbed her wrists. The hood of the black cloak fell and revealed an ugly bald scalp and glowing red eyes. Sharp, white fangs glistened in the moonlight and the creature, vampire, began to speak.
"You can't run forever, my precious." He growled and leaned forward and the woman screamed yet again. "You will soon become my slave, just like your family."
After seeing Hellsing© six hundred sixty-six times, yet never reading the manga because she's a loser that way, Minerva knew what was going on. He's going to turn her into a ghoul! And that was not going to happen on the Vampiric Alchemist's watch!
Nemandaria pounced cat-like from behind the log just as the vampire was about to sink his fangs into the innocent's neck. She unsheathed her broadsword that conveniently hung weightless on her hip and ran the bastard through shoving him against a tree and thus impaling him. The poor woman from before fell to the ground before picking herself up again and running scared into the forest never to be seen by Minerva again. As the cloaked demon disintegrated into dust, Alucard stepped forward from the undergrowth and clapped slowly.
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Minerva almost doubled over in shock. The Vampire Alucard! Right in front of my pretty freckled nose! The girl stood frozen to the spot at the nosferatu's appearance. And stood. And stood. A few minutes passed and Alucard was starting to get antsy. His red trench coat hung on his shoulders as he swayed from one foot to the other expecting a response of pure terror. Or any sort of response for that mater. Realizing she was too dumb-struck too speak still, he took the moment to admire how cool he looked with his uniform in the moonlight. At that time, the once-hippo recollected her thoughts. She looked like her character, she should act like her, too!
"My name is Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist. But you can just call me Nemmie! I'm famous for my part vampire, part alchemist, part wolf, part cat, and part spiritual powers! I'm also smart and very beautiful! I can do anything and everybody loves me! If I had the chance, I could have beaten that ugly Incognito in less than thirty seconds because I'm just soooo great!"
Alucard cocked his head. "Who?"
"You silly Count, don't deny it, I'm hawt!" She pointed and giggled shrilly. Before Alucard could dodge her, Nemmie launched at him and settled on his shoulders with the poor servant's hat in her hands. "What a cool hat, I love it! It's awesome!"
Even though he was slightly confused and wanted an explanation for the human's behavior, Alucard at that point reached for his Jackal in the thought of blasting the brat's head off. Who cares if Nemmie wasn't his target, now even Integral wouldn't be able to stop him from hurting her. Severely.
"Did I mention I'm Integra's daughter and rightful heir to the Hellsing legacy?"
The enraged Alucard slowly put his gun back into his coat. The brat's related to Master? There was only one thing to do now… As much as I'd hate to say it.
"Get off me, let's go. Master would probably want to see you."
"Can I ride on your back the whole way?"
"No."
"Please?"
Something in Nemmie's eyes caught Alucard's interest. It was a look of longing, and a strange sense of, well, admiration. Or she was faking it. Completely faking it. This'll be a long trip. "Fine."
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