A/N whilst avoiding revision, this little plot bunny came to me and wouldn't go away. So here we are. An angsty Niff fic :D my favourite. Hope you enjoy this, it will obviously be continued and the next chapter will be up ASAP.

Trigger warnings: self harm, self hatred, abuse and a slight reference to an eating disorder you may possibly miss.

Disclaimer: i don't own anything you recognise. Hello, if i did would I really be writing this?

"Worthless fag"

The sharp words bit through Jeff once again and he flinched away from the one uttering them.

"Someone like you doesn't deserve to live and be happy" with that, Jeff's dad aimed a strong kick at his sons side and he left the room, shouting insults over his shoulder as he went.

Jeff waited until he heard footsteps go down the stairs before curling up into a ball on his side and letting the tears which had been threatning to fall for the past two hours run down his cheeks. He hurt. Not only physically from the beating he'd just endured, but mentally and emotionally. It was getting to him, the past five years of being constantly beaten and called degrading, derogatry names. Jeff was slowly starting to tire of his life and having to live with a homophobic, abusive dad as well as the bullies that taunted him whenever he left the sanctuary of his school.

He wasn't planning on ending it though. At least, not yet. There was something in Jeff that wanted to keep going, suffer through the beatings and insults, wake up each morning and somehow get through the day. Jeff laughed bitterly, the action making him wince as a sharp pain shot through his side. Jeff was deluding himself. He knew exactly why he kept waking up everyday, didn't let himself starve, didn't let himself cut that little bit too deeply. It had a lot to do with a certain brunette Warbler.

His best friend. Nick Duval. Jeff and Nick had been best friends since meeting in a park at the tender age of 6. They'd been inseperable ever since. Best friends, partners in crime, pranking buddies. They kept the whole of Dalton Academy on it's toes with their antics. They always told each other everything, had never kept secrets.

That is, until now. But Jeff just couldn't tell Nick about the crush he had on him, tell him about his abusive father and the fact that he cut. He just couldn't. Nick would be crushed and Jeff would ruin everything. Well, ruin everything more than he had already. To be perfectly honest though, Jeff wasn't even sure why Nick was friends with him. Nick was everything Jeff wasn't. He was tall, had a great body, was popular, fantastic hair, no spots or blemishes, was devastatingly handsome, really sporty and always had the best grades, was a phenomenal singer, as well as being one of the kindest, most geunine people Jeff knew. And he was straight.

Jeff on the other hand...well Jeff knew no body would ever want him. He was the complete opposite of Nick's perfection. He was fat, short, was only friends with the Warblers and even then he wasn't really friends with any of them apart from Blaine and perhaps Wes, David, Thad and Trent, his hair always looked crap, he was the ugliest guy he knew, was more nerdy than sporty, still managed to flunk most of his classes, couldn't sing or dance well no matter how hard he tried and how many hours he devoted to dance class and he was gay. Worse still, he was gay and had a massive, hopeless crush on his (straight) best friend.

Jeff hated himself.

With those thoughts running through his mind, Jeff stretched and got up. Walking to the bathroom he caught a glimpse of himself and sighed in despair. He looked even worse than usual. Shaking his head and closing his eyes, Jeff blindly reached out for the razor he kept in the cabinet and brought it down to the pale, scarred skin at his wrists. Slashing numbly over and over again, Jeff reveled in the pain and release that always made him feel better. After about ten or fifteen minutes, he stoppedm starting to feel dizzy from bloodloss. It was the longest he'd ever cut for today and it felt good. Jeff almost wished he could cut and cut until he fell into a black oblivion and didn't have to deal with his life anymore. But...Nick. It would break the talented singer.

Letting the razor slip from his weak grasp, Jeff leant back against the cool wall behind him and sighed happily as he felt the pain ebb away and the familiar feeling of peace and relief wash over him. The rest of his life might be crap, but Jeff was just glad he still had this release, and that it allowed him to feel peaceful and happier, even if only for an hour or two.

Jeff stared at his bloody wrist and let his mind drift to thoughts of Nick. Jeff smiled, knowing he'd see Nick in a few hours when he'd finally cleaned up and headed to school.

But first, he'd stay where he was and sleep for a bit. He was so tired and everything felt so heavy...

A/N please don't hate me. It killed me writing Jeff this broken, but I promise it will get better. Review and stick with me, we'll get to the Niff fluff eventually :D