Hey there! I'm Jenn, as you probably know. This is my first story, a LiRa fanfic. (L x Light/Kira) Chapters will be added at random, though I will add them as soon as I can. Okay so, like I previously stated, this is my first fanfic, so lay off please. I'm getting enough crap from Liz ("What? Who's Liz?" Read my author's page if you're confused) Now then, I know this is not how it goes in the original anime, but this is a fanfic, so I can do what I want.

Characters belong to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata, I'm just using them to annoy my friend, Liz ;3

Well then, this is Jenn, signing off.

~Enjoy

-=()=-

I've done it. Checkmate. I've won.

But- why? Why can't I kill him?

Why? Why now? Why is it that I can't kill him, my greatest enemy, the one thing holding me back from my utopia, L. Why? After months of searching for his name, while keeping undercover, I can't do it? Hesitation isn't something I'm used to. I've killed hundreds, without the slightest hint of hesitation, or regret. Hell, some were even just to experiment. My goal this past year has been to take out L, I've killed criminals, agents, and officers alike, but him, I just can't do it. Of the billions of people in this ugly world, I can't kill this one individual? This inevitable thorn in my side? I gaze down at my hands, and see I have everything I need.

The Death Note, L's real name, and a clear image of his face. But... What is holding me back? What possible reason could I have for hesitating any further, for not taking the man's life and claiming what is rightfully mine. This utopia, this world, I'll rule this world with him out of my way. Once L's out of the picture, I'm practically a god, they might as well take me to my throne this moment, but, I'll never reach the throne if I can't make this sacrifice.

I don't even think it can be called a 'sacrifice'. I don't care for the man, what does it mean to me if he passes on? Nothing. Actually, the opposite. I'd care- care that I'd become god of this tainted earth. Only I can set things straight, onto the path of justice.

Justice. This is my goal. Cleansing this miserable world of it's fifth, it's injustice. Although my reasons are pure, I just can't defeat him, once and for all.

Have I really won? What is winning, anyway? Winning- winning is defeating your opponent, and claiming victory. I am merely seconds away from my victory, yet I can't seem to put my pen on the paper. Is it because I am not satisfied by how easy it was, is that it?

I sit up from my previous laying position, sighing at my own incompetence. "Hyuk, couldn't do it, could ya?" A particularly annoying shinigami laughed.

"Dammit Ryuk... After all of this..." I stopped mid sentence, staring off into space.

"Hyuk, you humans are funny. So oblivious..." Ryuk chuckled, an apple is his right hand.

The beastly creature now had my attention. "And what's that supposed to mean?" I defend myself, in a slightly more agitated tone than I expected to use.

"Hmph. And I thought someone as smart as you could've figured it out by now." Ryuk replied with a grunt, as he returned to his apple-devouring.

What could he be talking about? There is no logical reason why I can't simply take the life of this man. It's everything I've strived for. I know one thing: He needs to be taken out, no matter what the circumstances. I've put this off far too long. I pick up my pen and begin writing. As I finish putting down the first name, my grip begins to weaken. Sighing, I re-find my grasp on the ballpoint pen, and continue to write. As I inscribed the first letter, my grip began to loosen again. Now I was mad. Taking the pen, I scribbled over his name, at least five times over. Turning my face up to the grinning shinigami, I say, "Go on."

"Y'know Light... Hating someone, still means you think about them a lot." Ryuk replied, with that dumb smirk on that vulgar mug of his.

I replayed these words over and over in my mind. Hating someone, still means you think about them a lot... Is that vile shinigami insinuating that I care about that antisocial freak? Like hell. That freak show could go jump of a bridge for all I care- I may just write that in the Death Note. The only times I've ever thought about that oddball is when I think about putting him six feet under, which is a plan that will soon become reality. Laughing hysterically, I look back at Ryuk. "Are you serious?" I say, with another laugh following.

Ryuk gives me a humored look, I continue in a more serious tone, "Ryuk, I don't swing that way."

Holding his gnarled claws in the air, Ryuk replies with, "I never said you did, Light." His gaze switches downward, as he continues, apple now in left claw, "Though you've never discussed your particular feelings towards L." I stare at him in disbelief. As if I haven't shown this, and said this about a trillion times: He is the bane of my existence.

"My feelings towards L are simple, I loathe him. My reason living is to see him to his death bed." I glared at Ryuk, for even implying such a thing.

I could never have feelings for L. Never. My hatred for him is on a scale of its own. I loathe him with all of my being...

But... If this is true...

Why? Why can't I kill him?