Rain pounded at the window but the girl didn't notice. Huddled on her bed in a room she out-grew years ago was a young woman who didn't care about the weather. If she had noticed she may have remarked that the window was just a mirror, the raindrops equal to the tears running silently down her cheeks. Or maybe she wouldn't be bothered with being poetic and just reflect that it was another day in London, nothing remarkable about it.
Her mother had left a while ago to get some groceries, without turning off the radio, for which she was glad as the background chatter helped keep her from focusing on her thoughts, or memories. It wasn't until the station actually played a song that she paid any attention to what she was hearing.
The soft melody sounded sad, so she got up to turn it off – the last thing she needed was some stupid song to make her cry more.
The intro didn't last as long as expected and the lyrics had started as she entered the kitchen.
The music made it harder to ignore her thoughts.
You say I only hear what I want to
And you say I talk so all the time
So
She heard what he said, always did, just didn't follow it to the letter; wandering off occasionally, but she'd always find her own way, or he'd find her.
And I thought what I felt was simple
And I thought that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I did something wrong
Cause I missed you, yeah, missed you
She thought she loved him and it would be okay, but she kept forgetting he's not just a normal man. She remembers when she left, thinking it was the right thing at the time but regretting so much now, the pain was unbearable.
She misses his face, his voice, his smile, she doesn't think there will ever be a day that she won't.
You say I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard, don't pay attention
To the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere
I don't understand if you really care
I'm only hearing negatives, no, no, look back
Maybe it was good she didn't always listen to what he said, even when he ran away and left her for a French bird and then explained it was for her, for history, her history. And she understood, but it still hurt, still felt like rejection, still was hard to look back at, specially now.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up
And this woman was singing my song
Lovers in love and the others run away
Lover is crying cause the other won't stay
She pretended, tried to ignore it, like earlier with the background noise, but it never worked. He scared off any chance she ever had with anyone else, which was okay because all she ever wanted was him, but he wouldn't have her either. Wouldn't stay for her.
So here she is, listening to the radio, tears running down her cheeks, remembering everything she fought not to.
Some of us hover while we're waiting for the other
Who was dying since the day they were born
Well this is not that I think that I'm throwing
But I'm thrown
She waited five and a half hours, would have waited longer, for him. But that's the problem, she'll wait forever but she'll run out of time, her heart beats its way to its last, but not his, his will go on, always go on.
She didn't want to hurt him, didn't mean to by leaving him, she just wanted to protect herself from the pain.
And I thought I'd live forever
But now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow or anywhere with you
She willingly gave him her forever, but he didn't want it, didn't believe it could be his; that she would give it all up for him. He tried to tell her it wasn't smart, that she deserved better and should go with it, but that's not how she saw it. And now she was stuck, not going anywhere.
You said that I was naive
I thought that I was strong
I thought; hey I can leave, I can leave
Oh but now I know that I was wrong
Cause I missed you
Yeah, I missed you
She thought she could handle it, just being friends, but he wasn't even trying, he couldn't. So she left and now she just wishes he'd come back and forgive her this grand mistake, and move on, together.
Oh God how she missed him.
You said you caught me cause you want me
And one day you'll let me go
You try to give away a keeper
But keep me cause you know you're just so scared to lose
He said she could stay as long as she wanted, wouldn't force her either way. Said it was her choice but still he tried to influence it, bringing with them someone she used to love, hoping she would go back to him while pleading with his eyes for her not to leave him alone.
Remembering those sad eyes made her hate herself for leaving him.
And you say, stay
But he didn't, oh how she wished he had.
You say, I only hear what I want to
The last line broke her.
"Oh Doctor, if only you had said what I wanted to hear, I would have stayed with you forever, I would have found a way."
Fresh tears slid from her eyelashes and she scrubbed at them quickly as the sound of footsteps approached, her mother wouldn't want to find her crying still.
The music ended and she turned the radio off.
The door opened more quietly than usual and the footsteps got closer, but she did not turn around. She stood, waiting for the familiar jumble of questions about how she was, to come flying from her mother's mouth.
The footsteps stopped and an unexpected voice asked her a different question.
"Rose?"