DISCLAIMERS: Nothing in this fic (except the plot, if there happens to be one) is mine, no matter how much I might delude myself. The song belongs to The Corrs, the characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story contains slash/yaoi/homosexual relationships so if you're offended by those kinds of things, do yourself a favor and don't read any further. This story is set after Sirius' worst prank on Snape (Lord knows he played too many pranks to keep track of), the one where Snape found out about Remus.
Italics - thoughts
*blah blah* - song lyrics
What Can I Do? by Ebony Raven
It was a dark and not-so-stormy night when Sirius found himself unable to sleep. Of course, that didn't come as much of a surprise to him; he hadn't been able to sleep well in weeks. Not since he had played that stupid prank. Not since he had hurt the one person he loved most.
*I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we have talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong*
How could I have been so stupid? God, I can't believe I did that to Remus…It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. But I guess the saying is true: the road to hell is paved with good intentions…
Will Moony ever forgive me? Will I be able to stand it if he doesn't? How will I ever be able to tell him how I feel? Maybe I should just give up. He probably hates me anyway, and I can't even say I blame him…
*What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?*
Sirius wallowed in other depressing and self-deprecating thoughts for a long while before his natural restlessness got the better of him. He got out of bed and had almost reached the door leading down to the common room before he noticed something odd.
Wait a minute… Where's Remus?
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I wonder what time it is… Remus thought vaguely. It seemed like hours since his failed attempts at sleep. He was now sitting in the common room, staring into the warm flames of the fireplace, moping himself into oblivion.
*There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better, yeah
If I don't try and I don't hope*
Sirius… I miss you… I don't care about what you almost did to me and to Snape… I'd forgive you for anything… Remus wrapped his arms around his knees and fought back tears. He missed Sirius so badly. Of all the Marauders, Sirius had always been the one to lift Remus from his dark moods. Sirius had always been there to bring light into his otherwise gloomy life. That's why he had treasured Sirius as a friend, and as something more.
But now you probably hate me… Why else would you do what you did? I should have known better than to hope that anyone could love a monster like me…
*What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?*
Remus couldn't hold back his tears any longer. They fell in silent drops down his cheeks and onto his pajamas. He continued sobbing quietly until he heard the last sound he expected to hear.
"Moony, are you all right?"
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Inside their dorm, Sirius stood staring at Remus' empty bed. Where could he be? He couldn't sleep either? Maybe he's with someone else… Shaking his head to rid himself of such paranoid thoughts, Sirius opened the door and walked down the stairs. Upon reaching the common room, he stopped dead in his tracks and felt his heart breaking.
Remus…
The sight of Remus crying hurt Sirius more than he ever thought was possible. He couldn't move for fear of being discovered spying on Remus in one of his most vulnerable moments. But his overwhelming need to comfort the one he loved was stronger than his fear, and he slowly approached the couch where Remus was sitting.
*No more waiting, no more aching…
No more fighting, no more trying…*
"Moony, are you all right?"
Remus must have been really wrapped up in himself if he didn't notice me, Sirius thought as Remus nearly fell off the couch in his surprise. He didn't say anything, though, and simply stood patiently as Remus gathered his composure.
"I-I'm fine, Sirius. Wh-what are you doing up?" Remus refused to meet Sirius' gaze and inwardly cursed the stuttering that revealed his nervousness. What did Sirius think of him now that he had been caught bawling like a baby?
"I couldn't sleep. I figured I'd just sit in the common room until I got tired or bored, whichever came first. What about you? I didn't know you had problems sleeping too." Sirius was babbling and he knew it. He was very worried about what Remus' reaction to his intrusion would be.
"Um… I didn't used to. It was only after…" Remus trailed off. He desperately needed to talk to Sirius about that incident but he didn't know how Sirius would react.
Sirius' gaze shifted from the point above Remus' head to the carpet beneath their feet. "Oh yeah, about that… Look, Remus, I'm really, truly sorry about what I did. I won't offer any excuses because you deserve more than that. And I don't expect you to forgive me because I know I don't deserve that much… But, for whatever it's worth, I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean to hurt you." Sirius couldn't force himself to look at Remus so he just kept staring at the carpet and waited for Remus to yell at him.
*Maybe there's nothing more to say
And, in a funny way, I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly*
Sirius… Remus was speechless. It wasn't what he was expecting, to say the least. He was so relieved that he was trembling and, if he weren't sitting down, he would have fallen to the floor. His mind was too elated to form coherent sentences so he just sat there and gaped at the beautiful boy standing before him.
Sirius mistook the silence as a rejection of his apology and bit his lip to keep from crying. He finally looked up at Remus and was taken aback by the expression on his face. Remus was smiling. Sirius began to smile as well. I never realized how much I missed that smile…
Upon seeing Sirius' smile, Remus finally figured out what to say. To hell with the consequences. I'm telling Sirius how I feel right now before I lose the nerve again.
"Sirius…" Remus began at same time as Sirius said, "Remus…" They both laughed softly and the tension in the room suddenly disappeared as if it had never existed.
"It's okay, Sirius. You go first."
"Remus… I want to tell you something I should have said a long time ago. I just hope this won't ruin our newly healed friendship yet again." Sirius breathed deeply and closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again and looking straight at Remus. There was no turning back now.
"Remus, ever since we met, I've valued your friendship as one of the greatest treasures of my life. You've always been there for me, for all of us, to help us with homework or to plan one of our pranks or simply to offer support and strength. I never properly thanked you for everything you've done. But I know that a simple "thank you" will never be enough to show you how much I appreciate your kindness, compassion, understanding, and so much more. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I love you, Remus. And I swear that, even if you don't feel the same, I will always love you and will always be there for you, the same way that you were and are always there for me." Sirius succumbed to the temptation to look away and stared yet again at the carpet while waiting for Remus to process his little speech.
For the second time in one night, Remus was at a loss for words. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine that Sirius would love him as more than a friend. But, this time, words weren't needed. Actions always speak louder than words.
Sirius felt a hand on his chin and looked up into Remus' exquisite golden eyes. Before either of them knew it, their lips had met in a chaste but fervent kiss full of love and devotion. After what seemed like an eternity but was still too short for their liking, they broke apart and sat back down on the couch, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes.
"I suppose this means you feel the same, my dear Moony?" Sirius said, half-joking and half-earnest.
"I thought my actions were quite self-explanatory, Padfoot," Remus said in a teasing voice.
"Oh, I don't know. I think I need more convincing," Sirius joked.
"Your wish is my command," Remus said without a trace of sarcasm. He leaned forward until their lips were barely an inch apart and whispered, "I love you, Padfoot" before kissing Sirius with all the passion he felt inside.
Needless to say, all else was promptly forgotten.
*What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I change to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?
And love me… love me…*
THE END (?)
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