Dying for a Chance
I, Rosalie Cullen McCarty, have wanted nothing more than to be a mother for as long as I can possibly remember.
Some of my earliest memories are of 'mothering' my dolls, my little brother Edward, even my twin sister Alice.
Flashback
"Mommy!" my little brother Edward shrieked in pain. He had just fallen off his tricycle and scraped his knee pretty badly.
"It's ok Edward" I soothe as I kneel in front of him and give him a tiny smile. I gingerly start plucking the small stones that have become embedded in his skin.
By the time our mother, Esme, reaches the driveway with a first aid kit Edward's sobs have subsided to small hiccoughs and he gives her a smile "Mommy, Rosie, helped me" He says in his three year old speech "She's my other mommy."
"I know Edward" mom finishes bandaging his knee before sending him on his way and wrapping me into a hug "Thank you for helping" She kisses the top of my own five year old head "You will make an astounding mother someday my sweet girl."
Present
I glared at the negative pregnancy test and dropped it into the trash can next to my sink in the small en suite bathroom of my home. It was our fourth round of IVF and still I hadn't been able to conceive.
"Rose, babe" I hear my sweet husband's voice call out.
I storm out and brush past him into our spacious kitchen. I fill a glass with water and stand holding it momentarily contemplating before angrily turning and throwing the full glass across the kitchen and narrowly missing Emmett's head.
He pulls me into a tight bear hug, one that I have only ever received from him, and rubs my back as my legs turn to jelly and I start sobbing uncontrollably.
"We will have a baby" He says in the very same tone I used many years ago to soothe my little brother.
"I think I just need some time alone" I say pushing away from him and I instantly feel guilty with the sad look he gives me. "Just give me a couple hours" I continue and he nods grabbing a cloth and starting to mop up the mess of broken glass and water I had made.
"Thank you" I mutter quietly wrapping my arms around my empty abdomen as if that is all that is keeping me from falling apart.
Lying on the bed I think back to another memory.
Flashback:
It was the summer between my first and second years of university when my brother and his girlfriend, Bella, came home from a camping trip with a group of their friend's only to find themselves pregnant.
Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She couldn't keep
The child inside her
was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
She kept it secret from everyone at her school and I only found out when I walked into my dad, Carlisle's, office and found him giving her an ultrasound.
And she made a decision
some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
she might live to regret.
I tried so hard to convince Edward and Bella that they could support a child, that I would help, our families would help but they gave the baby up for adoption. I got to look at my newborn nephew for only a minute before he was whisked away to his adoptive parents.
Bella and Edward went on to get married and when they moved to Seattle she was pregnant with their second child and they were relishing every moment of that baby, another nephew, because Bella did regret giving their little boy up.
Present
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that she had.
I would die for that.
When I didn't get pregnant right away when Emmett and I started trying I was frustrated but I thought that we could try again and have fun trying. Try again we did and while the trying was fun at first after awhile it started to be so regimented and scheduled that it was no longer something either of us enjoyed.
I've been given so much,
a husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
we're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
I met Emmett at a Halloween party my sister, Alice, threw with her then boyfriend, Jasper and it really was love at first sight.
He was a cowboy, I was a fairy. I was standing by the punch bowl bored out of my mind only enduring the party because Alice had promised to let me plan our Christmas and New Year's Eve parties in exchange.
He came up to the bowl, tipped his hat, and refilled my glass. I can still remember the fake southern accent he drawled "Howdy pardner" with. He made me laugh.
He spent the rest of the night complimenting my 'wings' and telling me I should have come as a Goddess- I'd look more the part.
He flattered me but he also made me feel normal. I had always tried to have a 'regal' air and he made me feel safe.
I will be the first to admit I am rather vain but underneath it all I am just a scared, insecure little girl. I dress in pretty clothes (usually made by my sister) to get attention. This whole infertility thing had me more insecure than ever before.
Ours was a whirlwind romance and we got married the following New Year's Eve and I would do anything for Emmett, I am so head over heels in love with him.
We just enjoyed being a couple for the first year of our marriage and then started on our journey for a baby.
Six years later and here we are. No baby and our marriage starting to falter between the guilt felt on both our parts, the miscarriage of three babies and my roller coaster emotions thanks to the fertility drugs.
Just six months ago my fertility specialist sat us down and informed us that while Emmett was perfectly healthy and capable of producing a child not only did I have a 'hostile' uterus but I wasn't ovulating on a regular enough basis for a pregnancy to have a chance.
This was after the three rounds of the IVF. I had hoped so desperately that today would be the final time. That I would finally have a baby in my arms.
All I want is a family,
like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that they have.
I would die for that.
Less than a year ago Alice found out that she and Jasper were having twins. I have to admit I wasn't really the most supportive person around.
Flashback
"So what is this big news my daughter?" Carlisle asked folding his hands in front of him.
"Ya come on Alice you insisted we ALL be here" Bella teased lightly. She and Edward had travelled down from Seattle with their 18 month old son, Jason.
"Well…." Alice started and of course she did the dramatic pause. "I'm pregnant."
I tightened my grip on my nephew who I happened to be holding in my lap at the time. I clenched my teeth together and I felt the blood drain from my face. I watched as Jasper gently placed his hand on my twin's abdomen and I could feel the tears starting to well in my face.
I could feel as both my husband's and my mother's gaze fell on me.
My sister obviously hadn't noticed my change in demeanor and she continued with one of the few comments that could have made my night even worse "With twins." She said leaning into Jasper who looked down at her with such love, happiness and pride that I couldn't take it.
I stood abruptly keeping a tight hold on Jay I pushed past Emmett who had reached out to stop me. I unceremoniously dropped my nephew into my mother's lap as she said "Rose, honey," I shook my head almost imperceptibly and could feel everyone's stares on my back as I almost ran out of the house and climbed into my Jeep, speeding quickly away from my parent's house.
I didn't make it home until after Emmett but he waited up for me pacing and muttering and I chuckled as I walked in and caught him mid pace.
He heard my chuckle and whipped around as fast as he could. He rushed to me grabbing me tightly and spinning me around kissing my lips fiercely.
"Where'd you go?" He asked and quickly followed up with "I was so worried about you, we all were." He put me down and bent slightly resting his forehead against mine.
"I just couldn't take it" I said trying not to let the tears flood my cheeks again. "I want a baby so bad Em. I can't take that everyone around us can have babies and we can't. Alice never wanted to be a mother and now she's having TWO babies in one go!" I shouted after pulling away from him.
"I told them what's going on." Emmett said softly. We hadn't told anyone except my parents about my fertility troubles and I hadn't wanted to but I guess it was too late- the cat was out of the bag.
"Thanks Emmett, just what I needed." I said furious. Not so much at him but at the whole damn situation.
Present
I hadn't spoken to Emmett for almost a week and he had stayed with my parents and I managed to avoid Alice for almost two months. I felt guilty. I had ruined what was supposed to be one of the happiest moments in her life, announcing her pregnancy to her loved ones, and I didn't want to see the look of disappointment in her eyes the next time I saw her.
By the time I saw her again she was showing quite the bump and at 8 months gave birth to fraternal twins, Natalie and Lucas. I was their Godmother and I did love spoiling them. They were now 2 months old and I tried my best to be supportive but every time I saw her cuddle up with them a tiny piece of my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I don't hate the fact that my sister and brother both have children, I hate the fact that I don't. I want that. I want to wake up for the nightly feedings; I want to breastfeed and deal with tender breasts and morning sickness. I want to get large and round and feel my child growing inside me. I want to, in twenty or thirty years, have the look in my eyes that my mother and father have when they look at me and my siblings.
And I want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
what I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I had a dream not too long ago, the day after this latest round of IVF, and I have only ever told my mom about it. I had prayed that it was a sign that this time we had succeeded and I would be having a baby.
It had been the best dream I had ever had. There was a little girl with my hair and Emmett's adorable dimple and my brother and sister's emerald eyes. She was beautiful.
She raced towards me wearing a bright pink sundress and carrying a fistful of dandelions. "Look mommy I brought you daisies!" She smiled so brightly at me I was almost rendered speechless.
I stuttered slightly but quickly corrected myself "I – I love them sweetheart" I cooed "They're absolutely beautiful. Why don't we go and put them in some water?"
When she nodded excitedly I picked her surprisingly light form up and carried her in the house. I sat there staring at her after we had put the 'daisies' in water and she began to color.
She yawned slightly and looked at me "Mommy I have to go now. It's naptime."
I smiled a little bit back although I am sure it faltered. Part of me knew I was dreaming and it was a dream I never wanted to leave.
I followed her upstairs and tucked her into a bed. I bent down breathing in her heavenly scent and kissed her head lingering momentarily.
"I love you mommy" She sighed half asleep already as I brushed a chunk of her light hair off her face.
"I love you too, my sweet girl" I whispered trying not to cry.
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
to hold in my hands
what so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
How I would love
what some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
Even remembering that dream made the tears start to flow once again down my cheeks. I wanted that little girl so badly and with my luck I never would have her.
Finally after a few hours of drowning in my own sorrows I made my way down to Emmett. He gave me a tentative smile and I went and gingerly sat in his lap.
I kissed my wonderful husband and leaned against his chest sighing sleepily. "Emmett, I don't want to do this again." I admitted quietly.
"Oh Rose," He sighed burying his face in my hair and breathing deeply "I know how badly you want to be a mom. I just hate seeing you hurt like this and there is nothing I can do to make it better."
"Em I don't mean give up on a child I just mean on the fertility treatments. Do you remember all the adoption paperwork we filled out before deciding to try the IVF again?" I asked still leaning into him. I waited for his nod before admitting a little sheepishly "I turned the forms in already."
He let out a large guffaw and said just as sheepishly "I knew you did because I was going to do the same thing and they said I had missed you by moments."
"Great minds think alike" I teased trying to continue to lighten the darkness that had shrouded our house and marriage for far too long.
Fast-forward- 1 year
As I look back on that negative pregnancy test I regret my negativity. I was so hurt and upset that my body had failed me again that I hadn't wanted to keep trying.
Emmett and I successfully adopted not one but two children and as a matter of fact and just finished making it official. We were the proud parents of Wyatt Adam McCarty, age 3, and his little brother Dean Carlisle, 5 months.
We had been in the middle of adoption proceedings with Wyatt when his mother gave birth to Dean. She gave him up without even once looking into his bright blue eyes. Social services had come to us with this tiny infant wrapped in a blanket and had asked if we would be willing to take both boys, in return they would fast track our adoption papers so the boys would be ours within six months instead of the year to year and a half one individual had previously estimated.
I had looked at the woman incredulously and said fiercely "I would take him too even if you hadn't offered to do that, he is Wyatt's brother, in my mind there is no choice he is already my son."
"Our son" Emmett had corrected me with a smile as he moved the infant with his massive hands into my arms.
We were lucky and got to choose his name. His middle name is of course for my father who has supported us through the entire adoption process.
Wyatt and Dean were total opposites, like night and day. Wyatt is blond haired with ice blue eyes and he is a little moody- no doubt from being shepherded through the foster care system for most of his life before coming to live with us. He was very quiet but he loved getting into trouble.
Just the other day for example I walked into the boy's room to find Wyatt in Dean's crib and Dean covered head to toe in bright red lipstick. How he had gotten the lipstick I haven't the faintest.
I was so mad at first. Do you have any idea how hard lipstick is to get off sheets and clothes let alone a baby's skin!
But then he looked up at me and said in such an innocent voice "Look mommy, I made Dean as pretty as you are." He was so pleased with himself.
That's when the tears had come- it was the first time he had called me mommy. I had instead of yelling and screaming scooped him into my arms and kissed everywhere on his face I could until we were both rolling on the floor laughing.
Dean has dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes- just like Emmett. He is a loud baby- not that he cries a lot- he is happy but he likes to yammer. Alice has playfully nicknamed him 'motor mouth'.
He's got such a sweet disposition and when I look at him all I can think about is my husband. I love watching Emmett with both boys and watching him cuddle with Dean like he is right now as I sit next to him on the couch and we watch Wyatt playing with his racecars and Uncle Jasper and Grandpa makes my heart skip a beat.
I finally have my family and even better than that our family will be expanding once more in a few short months.
Just before we found out about Dean we decided to try one more round of IFV to give Wyatt a sibling. It worked. I am six months pregnant with a baby girl who Emmett and I have decided to name Calleigh, which means beautiful in Greek, Faith McCarty.
I can't wait to have all three of my children in my arms and to go through all the ups and downs of being a mother- it's all I have ever wanted.
The End
A/N: The song used in this story is Kellie Coffey's "I would Die for that". Thank you for taking the time to read.