Author's Note: Hi, everyone! This is my first fic ever and I'm so not a writer, I thought you should know. It's just that The Hunger Games trilogy is something I obsess over constantly and I can't seem to stop! And I'm a hardcore Peeniss shipper, so I decided to give this a go and write my feels, just to see if I can stop thinking about it. Pretty sure it's not gonna work.
This is a oneshot set during Catching Fire, and it's just a conversation between Katniss and Finnick about ALL THE FEELS! I know what you're thinking: "Katniss doesn't talk about feels! Do you not understand the character? Did you not read the books? Gaaah, damn rookies!"
Yes, I've read the books! Yes, I know she doesn't talk about feels, but I tried to find a way for her to do it. I feel like some people think Katniss is too cold because she doesn't talk too much about her feelings, despite the fact that she feels a lot, so I tried to make her externalize her softer side.
Katniss actually talks a lot here, so I guess you can say it's a bit OOC, though I tried not to make it so. I don't really know about any of this.
By the way, I have no idea if there's a story like this out there, though it is possible because there are a lot of stories here. I'm not trying to steal anything from anyone and I would never ever ever do that!
Anyway, I didn't mean to talk so much, so, here we go! (I hope you like it)
Disclaimer: Who wrote The Hunger Games? NOT IT, NOT IT! I own nothing, not saying I own these characters, though I love them.
For once, the night's air isn't suffocating. The light breeze gives me hope that we're not gonna die cooked in this arena after all. Although, thinking about those horrible mutt monkeys, I decide that dying cooked is not such a terrible death after all.
Tonight I'm keeping watch with Finnick while the others rest; which is probably for the best, since Beetee is still too weak to be alert enough to keep watch and no one trusts me and Johanna not to kill each other if we stay awake together. That leaves me, Finnick and Peeta; and tonight I told Peeta to get some rest, partly because he needs it and partly because I want to avoid the painful conversation that I know would follow if we were left alone together. Peeta is way too good with words. If I let him try, he's got a chance of convincing me to let him protect me and I'm not going to risk it; though I know that that conversation is bound to happen soon enough.
So here we are, Finnick with his eyes trained on the beach while I watch the jungle for any sign of movement. The night has been calm so far and I allow myself to get distracted for a minute as I look at my watch partner. Finnick has been a surprise to me. I've found that he's not such a bad company and I could even picture us being friends if we didn't have to die here. He's not all cockiness and shallowness like I used to think. Behind all that there's a guy with a good heart, just another victim of the games. I hope I don't have to kill him. I don't think I could, not after all we've been through together, not after he saved Peeta's life; I owe him too much. It occurs to me now that I didn't thank him for that and as I'm thinking this he notices my eyes on him and turns to look at me.
"See something you like, Katniss?" he asks me in a sensuous voice.
"Please, I find those mutt monkeys we fought more attractive than you." I say after scowling and rolling my eyes at his question, which makes him laugh. "I remembered that I never thanked you for saving Peeta's life, I owe you for that. Thank you. Really."
He looks me in the eyes for a moment as if trying to figure something out and then gives me a sad smile "Well, pay me back by not killing me in my sleep." he says humorlessly.
"I wouldn't. I'd never do such thing to you. If I were to kill you, you'd be awake and facing me with your trident in your hands." I say honestly, because he's earned that much from me. In fact, I don't think I could kill him at all, but I'm not about to admit that in front of the entire country, we still have a show to put on after all. Besides, it won't come down to Peeta, Finnick and me as the final three contestants, I plan on breaking this alliance long before that.
"Good to know." he answers with a serious tone, still looking me intently in the eyes, all hints of a smile vanished from his face.
We stay silent for a few minutes until I remember to ask the question that's been bugging me for some time now. "Why did you, anyway?" Finnick gives me a confused look and I elaborate "Why did you save Peeta? You didn't have to, you could've just let him die and there would be one less person to kill." I still can't shake the feeling that there's something I should know about and that it has to do with Peeta. My suspicions are only confirmed by the dread I see in Finnick's eyes after I finish talking, which is gone so quickly that it leaves me wondering if it was really there or if I imagined it.
"Let's just say that if I were to kill him he would be awake and facing me with a weapon in his hands." He says, amused by his cleverness. I scowl and cross my arms, waiting for him to give me an actual answer. He seems to realize I won't give up so easily, so he sighs and continues "He is a victor, Katniss, and he's a good guy. He deserves to die fighting, not due to some unfortunate accident. Fighting to save you, just like he planned to."
I consider this for a moment and search his eyes for any sign of deceit, but he seems to mean it, even though the feeling that he's holding something back is still there.
"Yeah, not while I have a say in it." I say quietly to myself, fixing my gaze on Peeta's sleeping form laying a few feet from us. I notice he looks younger when he sleeps, like the little boy I saw looking at me with his warm blue eyes while his mother's cold ones looked at me in disgust all those years back. The boy with eyes as warm as the bread that saved mine and my family's life. And now I was going to save his life and not even his will to sacrifice himself for me would stop that.
I'm pulled away from my thoughts by Finnick's voice.
"It's really amazing what you're doing for each other. One trying to keep the other alive at all costs. It's a brave choice to make, not everyone would choose sacrifice."
I pause to wonder if I should engage in this conversation. It's turning dangerously heartfelt and I want to close those shutters once more, they're already taking my life from me, and my feelings, whatever they might be, are not something I want them to take as well. But if I want Peeta to survive these games and Snow to let him stay alive afterwards, I need to play the audience. I need to keep selling the star-crossed lovers story; I still have to make them believe I'm in love with Peeta.
Oh, how tragic and beautiful it will be for the girl on fire to sacrifice herself and her baby for the love of her life. Yes, they need to believe that I'm doing this out of love. I can't leave them wondering if I did anything as an act of rebellion. If I play it well, then maybe it will help convince the President that arranging an accident for the poor boy that has already lost so much would only cause a commotion and more uprisings after my death. Snow will have to keep Peeta alive after that. It's a long shot, but anything is better than feeling this helpless. So, after a long pause, I try to answer Finnick honestly, even though I'm struggling to find the right thing to say.
"I suppose not everyone would, but it wasn't really a matter of choice for either of us." I say darkly, thinking about how Snow took everything from us, even the guarantee we should've had of a lifetime of safety after winning the Hunger Games. "I mean, there was never a choice, because there was never a doubt in our minds that we would come here to protect each other." I complement after realizing that my previous statement was a little too rebellious. I said something equally true, but different from what I really meant. "And I'm not being brave, I'm being plain selfish. Peeta is the brave one, he has always been the brave one between the two of us." I say, more to myself than to Finnick. I think about how much selfless Peeta is than me and feel guilty that I've never done anything to earn that. This is my last chance. Making sure he survives the Quell is my last chance for redemption and I cannot fail. I will not fail.
"Why would you think it's selfish?" Finnick asks confused.
"Because I couldn't live with myself knowing I failed to keep him alive. I couldn't live without him, I could never move on and just be happy like he thinks would happen." As I say this the thought of having to go on without Peeta hits me like a ton of bricks and the words start stumbling out of my mouth while I stare at the ground, my eyes unfocused and my mind overwhelmed, picturing what it would be like if Peeta died. "His death would break me. I'd spend the rest of my life trapped in this arena, regretting the fact that I wasn't the one who died here, punishing myself because I didn't save him." And only now I realize how true that is.
Without Peeta, I would lose my ground, because that's what Peeta is for me. He has given me hope when I was lost and he's been keeping me standing through the worst time of my life. How could I live without the boy with the bread? He's the one, the only one, who keeps away my nightmares. He's the only steadiness I have in this crazy mess my life has become. How could I possibly do this without him?
I stop talking, because I can feel my throat tightening and I'm afraid my voice is gonna crack. I face away from Finnick while I work my face back to a neutral mask, so he doesn't see how close to tears I really am. I don't need him to think of me as weak too, like the rest of Panem must be doing right about now; but since I'm not planning to get out of here, I suppose it doesn't really matter if the rest of the country thinks I'm weak. In fact, it would help with the whole star-crossed lovers façade. Yes, it only matters that they believe I love Peeta.
"What makes Peeta so worth saving? Fine, you were both thrown into the games together and won together, that's bound to bring the both of you close, but surely not enough that you would throw everything away to keep him alive. I mean, he's a good guy, I'll give you that, but that and the circumstances couldn't have been the only thing that made you both so important to each other." Finnick says in a bewildered tone, abandoning all pretenses that he believes our bogus star-crossed lovers story and, underneath it all, asking me if I love Peeta.
But I can't answer that, I don't know it myself. I don't even wanna think about it right now in case I find out, which would make this situation that much harder. I can't just ignore his question and have people see that not even Finnick Odair believes I love Peeta, I have to do some damage control. So I focus on answering his first question, what makes Peeta so worth saving?
"You don't know Peeta, not like I do. He's not just a good guy. He's probably the best person I've ever met, he has a huge heart… He is kind. It's not fake kindness, he's not kind just to feel better about himself. Peeta is truly kind, he likes to do whatever he can to help people, it doesn't matter if he knows them or not... To me, his kindness is his most endearing quality." I lose myself talking about Peeta. I start remembering all the moments I had with him and what I've learned about him in those moments; I even forget that I'm impaired when it comes to words and say all this with a smile and with a sense of longing, like when I told Peeta the story about how I bought Prim's goat, Lady.
"He is so honorable, so true to himself. He knows exactly who he is and he wants to preserve that. And even after everything we've been through, he still manages to be innocent. He reminds me of Prim, in that sense." Then I remember the time when I tried to take Prim hunting and she couldn't kill the animals, wanting to take them home and nurse their wounds, even if it meant being without food; I can't help but compare it to that night on the roof, when Peeta told me that his identity was more important to him than doing anything for survival. But I stop with that train of thought; I can't afford to think of Prim right now, it hurts too much.
"Peeta is patient, especially when it comes to me, and we all know I have a horrible temper. He has the ability to keep his head during a difficult situation, always knowing the right thing to say. He can always make me laugh, no matter how hard things are. He has his own issues, but he can always put them aside when there's something more important at risk, which is more than I can say for myself." I say thinking of our first games, when I was making a point of keeping my distance from him and even losing my temper with him and how he never gave up on helping me in spite of that; thinking about all those nights in the train when I would wake up from a terrible nightmare and he'd patiently hold me and whisper soothing words in my ear until I stopped crying. I don't mention how safe he makes me feel or how I can only get an entire night's sleep when I'm in his arms. Those moments are mine and Peeta's, no one else's, it feels wrong to share them.
"I'm not saying he's perfect, he's not, but Peeta is just… better. He just makes everything better. He makes me want to be better." I finish. I can't talk anymore, I'm surprised I was able to say that much. I'm glad I was too lost in memories of Peeta to mind too much that Finnick and all of Panem were listening to what I was saying. It occurs to me that I'll never make new memories with Peeta, these are the last ones I'll ever have…
I finally look up at Finnick. He has a look of comprehension in his eyes, as if he's just understood something. Then he blinks, grins and says "Well, and you can't complain about that pretty little baby face, with those blue eyes and blond hair, can you? He's not as good looking as I am, but I'll give him a little bit of credit. I mean, we can't expect everyone to live up to my standard of beauty." Finnick says while running his fingers through his hair and giving me a wink, instantly making me roll my eyes and chuckle, lightening up the conversation after all this emotionally charged moment.
I'm about to say something that'll shut him right up when we hear a noise and snap our heads in its direction, both of us reaching for our weapons. We sigh in relief when we realize it's just Peeta and Johanna waking up to relieve us from our watch.
Peeta helps me to my feet. I hug him and, in a rare demonstration of affection brought by the feelings that surfaced during that conversation with Finnick, I give Peeta a light kiss on the lips.
"What was that for?" He asks me with a grin.
"That was for being you." I smile lightly at him and go lie down on the sand, leaving Peeta standing there a little confused, but smiling lightly.
Finnick lies down next to me and when I turn to look at him, he says seriously "I'll help you keep him alive as best as I can, Katniss."
"Why would you do that?" I ask warily.
"Because I know what it's like. I have someone that I love back home too." He says and turns, closing his eyes; in a few minutes he is sleeping soundly.
I stay there stunned by his words, wondering if he could be right, if I really do love Peeta. Then I shake my head and remember I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, we are still in the games after all and I need to stay alert tomorrow in order to protect Peeta. There's no point thinking about this anyway. I roll onto my back and stare at the sky, thinking about Finnick's promise, wondering if I can trust him to help me when I know there's something he's not telling me; wondering why he would even help me if he has someone he loves and wants to go back to. In spite of all my doubts, I decide to follow my instincts and trust him. If Haymitch arranged this alliance, he must've had a good reason to do so and that old drunk hasn't failed me yet. I hope you're right about this, sweetheart; I think right before falling asleep.
Author's Note: Reviews? Pretty please? I'll give you a cookie! And please have mercy on me! Oh, and please, forgive any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. In fact, forgive all of my mistakes. :D