AN: Just something that wouldn't leave my mind last night. I hope you like =)
Dear Arizona,
I miss the way you smiled at me.
Yours forever
Calliope
The few words were typed and sent so fast, she didn't even comprehend all of it. Not anymore. It happened so often already, she'd stopped counting.
It became her daily routine. Going to work. Joking with her fellow surgeons and pretending to be okay, happy even, and then coming home only to power up her notebook and look at all the pictures of her and Arizona. Pictures from their wedding. From their nights out with Teddy and Bailey. A picture from the pizza box of their first night that Arizona had taken to never forget the day they had become one. A picture of their family, with Arizona, Sofia and herself.
She'd drink a few glasses of wine, mostly red, but sometimes her wife's favorite white. When she was done, she'd log into her mail account, check her inbox and then write a short mail – never consisting more than four lines – and hit the send button before her brain could stop her. And today was no different.
Clicking on the outbox icon, she saw all of them, back to the date when it started five weeks ago: July, 23rd 2012. Scrolling down, she opened one of the mails.
Dear Arizona,
I miss you so much.
I love you
Calliope
But she never got an answer. She'd never get an answer. It was useless to even write these mails and a part of her knew this. But she could help it, because the other part hoped that her blonde, always perky, wife would somehow get the messages.
Dear Arizona,
I miss you calling me Calliope.
Always,
Calliope
God, she missed the blonde so much. Everything about her. She never thought she could love another person that much, but somehow the blonde bubbly PEDS surgeon had gotten through to her and there was no way she would ever lose her place in the Latina's heart. Never.
Dear Arizona,
I wish you would be here.
Love,
Calliope
She knew she was torturing herself. Like hell, she knew. But she couldn't stop. She didn't dare to stop. She thought, once she would, she'd lose everything. It was the only thing that kept her alive. The pictures and the mails. And she needed to be alive. For their daughter. For Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres.
Dear Arizona,
I wish you could have witnessed Sofia's first attempt to walk alone.
We miss you
Calliope
It would never be enough. It could never be enough. There was no one to answer her. The place her wife had once filled on earth was empty. Just a memory. A memory she wished so deeply she could bring back to life. She needed her. Wanted her. Needed her to love her and wanted to love her back. There were so many things left to say and she would never get the chance.
Dear Arizona,
Why did you have to go?
Forever,
Calliope
She missed her so much. The blue of her eyes that sparkled so bright no matter the time of day and the tiredness she was feeling. She missed the morning person her wife had been. She missed the little squeals she would come home to when Arizona and Sofia were playing on the living room floor – she missed all of that so much.
Dear Arizona,
I will never forget you.
Siempre,
Calliope
Shutting down the notebook again, she reached for her cellphone and dialed her wife's number. It would go straight to voice mail, but all she wanted was to hear the blonde's beautiful and happy voice.
"Hey, you've reached Dr. Arizona Robbins. I'm probably saving a tiny human's life at the moment. Just leave your number and I'll call you back. Have an awesome day!"
Only her wife would make a voice mail message like that and not annoy anyone with it. That was just who she was. Calling children tiny humans. Saying words like awesome and amazing a couple of times a day. And it had been a hit with the kids. She had been great with the kids. And she had been amazing with their daughter. Especially when she first saw her momma rolling down the halls in her healies.
God, she even missed those damn shoes!
Okay, one last time and then she would go back to bed. Alone.
"Hey, you've reached Dr. Arizona Robbins. I'm probably saving a-"
Jolting awake with a start at the sound of a pager going off, she sat up in their bed and looked to her left, her eyes scanning the form lying next to her.
There she was. Her wife. Asleep. Alive. Breathing. With a strong heartbeat in her chest. Alive. Not dead.
It was a dream. Her recurring nightmare. She should know it by now, gotten used to the feeling. But she didn't. It would go away eventually. Arizona was alive and nothing else mattered.
The prosthesis leaning against her nightstand as well as the cane Arizona still needed for the longer walks through the halls of the hospital. A constant reminder of what had happened and what destiny had thrown in their way again. A reminder of a broken promise and a missing limb.
It didn't matter though. Because here they were. Sharing a bed again. Stepping back from the doctor – patient relationship and learning to be wife and wife again. Learning to let the other in again. And she would get the time to tell the blonde everything she wanted her to know.
The blaring sound of a pager filled the room again. She knew it was hers. Arizona was not fully back to work yet. It could only be hers.
"Is that your pager?", came a muffled and sleepy voice. The most beautiful thing Callie had ever heard.
"Yes. Go back to sleep", she whispered and softly kissed her wife on the cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too."
So, thoughts?