I've been meaning to write this since the episode came out, but it just hurt. You know how much I love Trent/Tim from all my other stories about them. This one isn't nearly as nice.
Warnings: I don't think there are any. Tell me if you see some!
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Tim barely had time to throw the door to a stall open before he was falling to his knees spilling what little he had eaten that day. Tears spilled down his face as the events of the investigation finally caught up with him.
When he had first heard what was going on he had felt pure shock. He had wanted to shake his head and laugh as if it was a joke. Because it had to be a joke. There was no chance that Ziva had really been…
After that the shit had hit the fan so to speak. It was one hit after the other until all of them felt like the floor was going to drop out from under them. He wouldn't have been surprised if that had happened at some point in time.
That would have just been too easy though. Hell, after everything that happened every last one of them would have welcomed falling into a hole and never coming back. It would have been blissful in comparison.
Still, he had held onto a little hope. Things were bad and no one would deny that, but they couldn't get worse. There was no chance that things could possibly get worse. He forgot one of the universes rules. Things always get worse before they get better.
Another wave of nausea rolled over him though he had nothing left to throw up. When they had first been given the news this was where he had ended up. The idea that Ziva… That his big sister had been murdered. He couldn't stop himself from throwing up.
She hadn't been a part of the team for awhile, but that didn't matter. She was and would always be a part of their family. They all still talked on the phone and chatted online when they had the time. She never really left them in spirit.
It didn't matter that she had hidden the fact that she had gotten pregnant with Tony's child. It didn't matter that she hadn't come to them when she thought she was in danger. None of that mattered because she was family.
His heart had felt as if it had been ripped out when he heard the news. It was always a thought in the back of his mind that someday they might not come back. That their work was dangerous and it was just a matter of time.
It had happened with Kate and Director Sheppard and Franks and so many others. Every time it felt as if it was the last time. As if he couldn't take anymore, but they soldiered on because that was what they would have wanted.
It was different with Ziva though. Yes, he had loved and cared for everyone that had died in the line of duty, but he wasn't as close to them as he was to Ziva. She was his big sister and he was her little brother.
Then there was the fact that she was killed by… His stomach contracted painful as he tried to curl in on himself. He hadn't thought that he could feel anymore ill than he had hearing that Ziva had been murdered.
But no… That wasn't the end of it. When it rained it poured and at the moment in time it felt as if he had gotten caught in a hurricane. Not only was his sister dead, but it had been his lover that orchestrated the whole thing!
He couldn't believe how blind he had been. How stupid he had been. Everything that they had been through since she left had come crushing over him and he saw all the signs in flashing neon colors.
Tim had never bothered to hide the fact that he had been talking to the older woman. He hadn't seen a point in it. Everyone was talking to her. So when he was asked questioned about their conversations he didn't blink or think twice. He just answered.
Now he saw that he had cleared a path to her. He should have known better. With who she was on her own and who her father had been he should have realized that she was always in danger. He should have covered his trail. She would be alive if he had just thought about his actions.
It was his fault. It was all his fault. He had been blinded by amazingly clear blue eyes. His brain had been turned to mush by that beautiful smile. He had… He had fallen in love with the way those strong arms made him feel welcomed and safe.
How could he have done that? How could he have skipped over everything that the team had said about them? It wasn't as if any of them had made it a secret that they not only disliked him, but distrusted him.
He had thought the same way too. At first. The man was an annoying, self-centered, asshole that needed to be decked. That should have been the end of it. He should have forgotten all about him after that first meeting. Which he had done.
Until he met the man outside of work. He had gone to a local bar to grab a hamburger before he went home. He had needed to wind down and get his brain to shut off. It was something that he normally did with Tony. When he didn't have a date.
That night he did though. So Tim sat at the bar and ate his food in peace. Then someone took a seat beside him. As soon as he saw that cocky smile he was ready to get up and leave. He still wasn't sure what stopped him.
They had spent hours after that talking. Really talking. Not about work either, but everything else. It had felt nice. It wasn't often anymore that he could just talk without wondering if he was going to be picked on for it later.
At the end of the night he had even been walked home since they both had had too many drinks to safely drive and his place wasn't that far away. He had even asked the older man if he wanted to come inside. He had been gifted with his number and a kiss on the cheek. It was… Perfect.
At least that was what he had thought. Looking back now all he could see was the fact that he had been played. All he had been to the man was an easy target to get what he wanted and that hurt like hell.
Four years. He had spent four years of his life with this man. He had lived in a complete delusion of someone else's making for four years! His entire existence had been focused between that man and his work.
They had gone on vacations to Italy. They had spent weekends in bed ignoring birthdays. They had planned anniversary dinners that had to be rescheduled time after time because they both worked to hard. He had spent weeks sleepless hoping that the man was safe wherever he was.
He had thought that he had finally had the life that he used to dream of. It wasn't normal by any means, but it was his and it was filled with love. That meant more to him than anything else could. He had been happy.
That all had come crashing down in a truly spectacular display finally showing him the truth. He didn't have that life. He had never had that life. It had all been some long con to make sure that the man never got caught.
A con that had ended in not just the death of his sister, but in the death of his lover as well. It had ended with his brother leaving the team. It had just… ended and there was nothing anyone could do to fix what had been broken.
Wiping the back of his hand over his mouth Tim stumbled to his feet and shakily made his way over to the sink. Empty but bloodshot green eyes stared back at him as his fingers painfully gripped the counter.
There were so many thoughts running through his head and he had no idea what any of them were saying. It was all a jumbled mess that made both his head and his heart hurt even more. He just want it all to stop.
Needing to get out of the building and away from people that knew what happened he made his way out of the bathroom and down to his car. It was pure luck on his part that he was able to avoid everyone.
He needed to get away from everyone that had stupidly thought it a good idea to trust him. There was no place for someone like him at NCIS or any police force. He was a traitor plain and simple.
He didn't bother stopping until he was in his car making his way home. It had done the drive so many times in half-dazed states that he didn't even realize where he was until he was standing in the middle of his living room.
His eyes gazed around the place that he had shared with his lover. Small knickknacks from all over the world were scattered everywhere. The plates from their breakfast were still in the sink waiting to be washed.
A pained sob broke free as he looked over their home. The space was everything that they had been over the years. It was a home that they both had taken their time to build together. To make safe and warm for both of them.
Looking at what they had built he felt all the pain and hurt that he had been pushing to the back burner overtake him. A low but harsh growl left his lips as he grabbed the nearest object he could find and threw it.
The ceramic mug shattered upon impact in such a satisfying way that Tim grabbed another thing and threw it. It didn't matter to him if he was breaking his things or if he was breaking his lovers. He wanted it all gone.
Dents started to appear in the walls and floor because of the heavier objects. Broken pieces of glass and pottery littered the floor. Jackets and coats were ripped from the closet and torn beyond repair.
The entire living room was trashed, but it wasn't enough to make him stop. He needed to do worse though. He wanted it to look like his heart did. Battered and beaten so badly that it was unidentifiable.
His chest was heaving as he gasped for breaths. His heart was pounded so loudly in his chest that he couldn't hear his screams of pain and anger. He felt raw and completely cracked open and he couldn't stop.
A fleeting thought that he could be heard by his neighbors came in mind, but it was gone quickly. He didn't care if anyone could hear him. He didn't care about anything at the moment. It was doubtful he ever would again.
Moving into the kitchen he grabbed a half empty bottle of wine from dinner the night before and went to throw it against the wall. He only got halfway before a strong arm was wrapping around his wrist stopping him.
His mind hadn't caught up to his brain when he balled his fist and swung at the person trying to hold him back. The hand let go of him letting him slam the bottle into the counter hard enough to splinter it.
Glaring that the intruder he expected to see a cop or some well meaning neighbor. Instead he was face to face with his boss. Instantly all the anger that he had been feeling washed away as he stared in horror at the blood slowly pooling on the older man's lip.
"B-Boss," Tim stuttered out his eyes wide, "I'm so..."
"You feel better?" Gibbs questioned cutting of his apology.
"What?"
"You feel better? Now that you've broken… Hell, everything in here and punched someone. You feel better?"
Green eyes darted over the man's face trying to figure out what he was supposed to say. That was when he began to really look at the damage he had caused. Running a hand through his hair he took a step back and started to shake his head.
This wasn't he man that he was. He never let his anger get a hold of him. Looking at the apartment though that was exactly what had happened. He had gotten so lost in what he was feeling that he let it break him.
Feeling tears once again feel his eyes he dropped his head to his chest and tried to take a shaky breath. His whole thought process was stopped when he came face to face with the badge and gun he hadn't even bothered to put away before he lost it.
"Take those," Tim demanded unclipping them from his belt and shoving them at his boss.
"McGee," Gibbs growled not opening his hands.
"No! Look at what I did, Boss! Look at this. I could have… If I had used those I could have hurt someone."
"You didn't."
"I barely remember doing this. I could have easy used them without thinking. Please. Please, just take them."
For a second the two men stared at each other waiting for one of them to break. It felt like an eternity before Gibbs reached out and took the offered objects. He made sure not to look away from the younger man as he placed them on the counter.
Once they were out of his hands Tim felt as if was boneless. Sliding down to the floor he pulled his knees to his chest and stared at the empty wall. He had thought that having his mind so loud he couldn't think was bad, but having it completely silent was all the worse.
A soft sigh left the other man before he was sitting next to him on the floor. Neither of the said anything for a moment. Both lost in their thoughts about everything that had happened and everything that had yet to.
"It should have been me," Tim whispered not sure when he decided to talk.
"What should have been you?" Gibbs questioned sounding a lot calmer than the computer geek knew he felt.
"He should have killed me. I… I betrayed her, Gibbs. I betrayed you. All of you. I don't deserve to be here."
"How do you figure that, Tim?"
"I let him into our lives. I was blind and because of that she's dead. Tony's leaving. That's all on me. If I had just listened to you none of this would happen. I killed her. I killed them."
"Them?"
"Ziva and…"
"Tim."
"Trent. I killed Ziva and Trent."
Tim expected Gibbs to get up and leave when he said that. He wouldn't blame him if he did. With the mess that he had helped create he wouldn't have blamed the man if he pulled his gun and shot him right then and there.
Instead a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders pulling him against the man until he was in a full hug. It wasn't often that he got hugs from the older man and he never really expected them when they came. This time though it made no sense to him.
Squirming slightly he tried to get out of the grip only to have it tighten. A desperation filled him as he attempted to pull away. He felt as if he was suffocating in the man's arms. He had to get out. Get away.
"I'm not letting go, Tim," Gibbs stated firmly as he tried to push away.
"Please," the younger man begged.
"No."
There was nothing he could do to make the man let go. He felt the last of his strength slip away as he fell against the older man unable to keep himself upright anymore. Gibbs just continued to hold him as if everything was fine.
For a blissful moment he simply rested against the man. His eyes slowly slipped shut as exhaustion finally caught up with him. Once his eyes were closed though he saw his lover's face smiling at him.
A shot of adrenaline coursed through him giving him enough strength to jerk away from Gibbs and scrabble to his feet. He couldn't believe that he had been letting the man comfort him like that. He didn't deserve it.
"Don't," McGee demanded stalking into the living room, "Just don't."
"Tim," Gibbs tried.
"Do you not get it? Do you not understand what I did?"
"Tim..."
"I was dating Trent Kort! This was our home! I shared this home with him for three years. I shared that bed with him for three years!"
"I know!"
Spinning to face the older man he felt his mouth snap shut. Tim watched as the man climbed to his feet and made his way over to him. Not wanting to know what he was going to do he took a step away making sure to keep distance between them.
"I know you were with him," Gibbs repeated slightly calmer.
"You-You knew?" he asked wrapping an arm around himself.
"Since you went on vacation to Italy. I saw him slip into your car when you left."
"That was over three years ago. It was first vacation together. Why didn't you say you saw us when I got back?"
"I knew you'd come to me when it got serious between you two. I was just waiting for that day to come."
"But you hated him."
"I didn't hate him, Tim. Not until he killed Ziva. I didn't trust him."
"That's worse! You are the best judge of character I have ever met. Add that with the fact that everyone else saw through him. Abby, Tony, Ziva, and anyone that had ever met him knew better than to take any stock in him. I should have listened to you to you."
"Why didn't you?"
"I did. At first. Then he showed up at a bar that I was at and we ended up talking for hours. I started to think that maybe it was all an act. That he had to be the way he was because that was his job. Then I started to fall for him. He was sweet, Gibbs. He'd call me when he got the chance if he was working a case. And when he got home I'd always wake up to a homemade breakfast or come back home and dinner would be on the table. He never talked about work, but he'd bring me these little trinkets from wherever. I told him he didn't have to, but he just said he loved seeing my face light up when I got a gift."
A broken sob escaped him when he was finished. Instantly he was wrapped in a hug and held tightly. He didn't bother fighting this time as he curled his fingers into the other man's shirt and wept into his chest.
"How could he do this?" he cried his eyes clenched so tightly he saw stars, "How could he throw what we had away? Didn't I mean anything to him?"
"I don't know, Tim," Gibbs offered rubbing his hands over the younger man's back, "I don't know."
Once again they lapsed into silence though Tim's mind started to think about the one thing he hadn't realized he had been avoiding. The question on whether or not his lover had actually cared for him or if he was just being used. He didn't know which would hurt worse.
"I still love him, Gibbs," Tim said when he got control over himself, "He murdered Ziva and all I can think about is whether or not he actually loved me like I love him. What kind of person does that make me?"
"A human one," a new voice stated making him jerk out of Gibbs arms and spin around.
He felt like he had been punched in the gut when he saw Tony standing by the door wearing a sad smile. Shaking his head Tim quickly turned around and tried to walk out of the room only to have a hand grab his arm and stop him.
"Tim," Tony tried sounding closer than before, "Look at me."
Feeling the man turn him around he closed his eyes tightly. He couldn't face the man after everything he had done. He couldn't live with the hatred and anger that he knew was going to be directed his way.
"Look at me, Tim," Tony demanded sounding closer.
"Tony," Tim whispered hoping to get him to just leave.
"Look at me."
With the knowledge that he wasn't going to be getting away anytime soon Tim slowly let his eyes open. Looking at the other man he didn't see any of the emotions in his eyes that he thought he should. No, he was just… Sad.
"It wasn't your fault," Tony stated once their eyes were locked.
"If I hadn't..." Tim tried to say.
"It. Wasn't. Your. Fault. Kort might have played you from the beginning. He might have loved you and saw no other way out. I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. That doesn't make any of this your fault. He made his bed alone. He deserves to lay there alone."
"I let..."
"Nope. You did nothing but fall in love. It happens. Hell, I knew that you had fallen in love with him too. I had wanted to rip at you for not telling me, but I saw what Gibbs saw. I saw someone that I care about in love. I didn't like Kort, but I was happy that he made you happy. And I know he did. It might have been fake. He had the skills to do that, but that doesn't make it any less real to you. Don't let him take that away. Don't let him take what you've worked on away from you. Because you did nothing wrong. He did."
"It feels like it's my fault she's gone. That I let her down."
"We all feel that," Gibbs jumped in resting a hand on his shoulder, "It wasn't and we didn't."
"What are we supposed to do?"
"Grieve," Tony continued standing up a little straighter, "Remember her. Prove to that son of a bitch that he didn't break us. It won't be easy, but it will happen."
"And if he did? What if this is how we… How I break?"
"It's not. And if you feel like it is call me. I don't care what time it is or where I am. You call me if you ever feel like that. Or call Gibbs. He's your boss, Tim. He's not going to let you break without a damn good fight. You hear me?"
"Yeah, Tony, I hear you."
"Good. Come on. Let's clean this place up. You're lucky I was able to stop your neighbors from calling the cops. Though I'm pretty sure you're going to be owing the super a nice chunk of change."