Title: 0.o
Author: The Crack!whores aka Tasuki & kira
Rating: Adult
Characters: Kouga, Kaede, various others
Genre, AU/Canon: Crack!romance, horror, anime-canon
Words: 1000
Summary: Kouga's spell goes wrong, causing havoc for all…
Warnings: May cause your head to explode from extreme laughter

Authors' notes: Thanks as always to the lovely Jen for pinking this for us. Please note that the lyrics for "Maneater" are by D. Hall, J. Oates & S. Allen, lyrics for "Run to the hills" by Steve Harris

For Ren… with love...

"On a hot summer night…
"Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?"
"Will he offer me his mouth?"
"Yes…"
"Will he offer me his teeth?"
"Yes…"
"Will he offer me his jaws?"
"Yes…"
"Will he offer me his hunger?"
"Yes…"
"Again. Will he offer me his hunger?"
"Yes…"
"And will he starve without me?"
"Yes…"
"And does he love me?"
"Yes…"
"Yes…"
"On a hot summer night…
"Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?"
"Yes…"
I bet you say that to all the boys…"

From "You took the words right out of my mouth" by Jim Steinman

888

Ayame cried out in pain as her labor became more intense with each passing minute. The baby, unfortunately, was in a breach position and there was nothing the midwife could do. Hearing her screams echoing throughout the valley, Kouga raced to the cave. Hurrying inside, he took one look at his mate, and scooping her up in his arms, he brought her to the one place where he know someone could help her; Kaede's village. Losing blood with each contraction, the color began to drain from the demoness' face.

"Do something, miko!"

"I'm sorry, Kouga, there's nothing I can do for her," Kaede said to the wolf prince.

"What do you mean?" he cried.

"She's gone…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Kouga cried, tears welling up in his turquoise orbs to spill down his cheeks.

While Kagome took Kouga to her hut for some comfort-sex, Kaede saw to it Ayame was buried...

Two weeks later, in an effort to get rid of Kouga before Inuyasha could destroy what was left of her village in a jealous rage, Kaede told Kouga about a special spell that would animate Ayame's body for easy transport back to the mountains.

On the night of the new moon, safe from Inuyasha's interference, Kouga stripped naked and performed the spell. Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong when Kaede got up to go pee. Ayame, thinking it was Kagome coming to have a lover's tryst on her grave, possessed the old bat. In a sickening battle for dominance Ayame's spirit won. Instead of a batty old miko, there stood before the hapless wolf prince, a vengeful sex-crazed demon in the skin of an old woman.

"I want your cock!!"

"HELL NO!!" He covered his jewels with one hand.

"Give it to me!!" the old woman intoned.

"What part of 'no' don't you understand, old woman?!" Struggling to his feet, Kouga cried, "Feets, don't fail me now!!"

"I'm going to get you, my pretty and your little dog too!"

"My cock is not little!! It's known around these parts as Moby Dick!!" Kouga cried, but it was his undoing.

As he turned to go, Kaede reached out, grabbing his wrist. He watched in horror as the old miko slowly reeled him in like a prized bass. Gathering him in her arms, she sank her fangs into his neck, injecting her venom, which was brought to the future by Kagome and turned into Axe for men. Kouga instantly become putty in her arms. He could only watch helplessly as she laid him on the ground. Singing the same nonsense syllables Kagome did when she was going to have sex with Inuyasha, Kaede swayed her hips and slowly stripped naked.

Kouga screamed in terror.

"I want to have hot steamy dog sex with you," she purred, dragging her saggy wrinkly body up his.

"I'd rather have sex with Jaken!!"

"Did someone call my name?" Jaken said. He sauntered out of the bushes twirling his pimp stick jauntily.

"Yes!! Me!!" the wolf prince screamed.

"Only if you rub Axe for men all over my naked body!!"

"Anything!!"

Jaken looked at the scene before him. "Ewww…" he groaned, before throwing up. "You know what; I'd rather do a herd of rabid rhinoceroses than that old bag of bones."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me!" Jaken poked Kaede's arse with his pimp stick.

Rotating her head one hundred and eighty degrees, the old zombie woman hissed.

Jaken blanched. "I think I'd rather fuck my lord instead!" Spinning on his heel, he ran for his life. "Run to the hills!! Run for your liiiife!!" he sang.

Kouga lay there, knowing he was fucked in more ways than one.

"Snarf, snarf…?"

Now what? Kouga thought as the stupidest looking thing hopped into view.

It coughed politely and asked, "Snarf, snarf…Anyone see a lil green toad run by? Snarf, snarf… I want to dip it in applesauce and lick it clean again!" Snarf, having spotted Jaken, looked over the scene before him, glee shining in his mauve orbs. There, hiding in the bushes and jerking off, was the little green demon of his dreams.

"Yeah?! Kouga said, the resulting mental images making sex with Kaede look good.

Snarf was about to pounce on Jaken when he heard a squeal of delight.

"KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!"

Just then, two familiar looking zombies ran by dressed in strange garb. The taller of the two was mostly naked except for a cute loincloth, Kouga noted, and he squealed as he pounced on Snarf, "Can we keep him, White Shirt?"

The shorter of the two, pushed his hat up with one finger as he swaggered over to him. "Sure you can, Flaps with Butterflies."

"Yay!! Ooh…" he replied, momentarily distracted by a group of half naked cat hanyou.

"Let's go, Butterfly!" White Shirt said, dragging his friend into the bushes.

"I'd rather cum than go," Butterfly giggled.

"That can be arranged." White Shirt winked.

"Thunder cats, ho!!" Lion-O shouted, raising his sword in the air

"Will you stop calling me a ho?!" Cheetara said, smacking their leader upside the head.

"Help me, Sango…" Kouga whimpered.

"Lion-O, I think I've spotted him up ahead!" one of the other cat hanyou cried.

"Let's go, Thunder cats!!" They sped past.

Just when things were at their darkest, Miroku sauntered by. He was listening to Kagome's iPod, and singing, "Oh here she comes… She's a maneater… Watch out boy, she'll chew you up…" Spotting Kaede's naked arse, Miroku's primitive left brain kicked in. "Would you bear my child?" he murmured softly.

The old miko's face softened as a look of pure love and joy spilled across her features. "Miroku, honey…?" she purred. Leaping off of Kouga, she grabbed the hapless monk and pulled him close. Licking his neck, she hissed, "I thought you'd never ask…" before sinking her fangs into his pale flesh. She proceeded to fuck his brains out, before slumping lifelessly to the ground, much to Kouga's horror, although he was glad he was spared that fate. At least she died happy…