Chapter 1 : The 17th New Beginning
When you're awake at night, you know you're awake for either a few reasons, they could be because you've either just gotten your heart broken, it's summer vacation or you know you've lost yourself completely and don't know what's happening anymore. When you're awake at night completely lost in your thoughts or just staring at your ceiling, wondering what happened to you, you know you've lost yourself.
When you're awake at night, trying to figure out what went wrong and when and this dark feeling starts spreading through out your whole body, through each and every fiber, through your skin, through your cells and down to even your atoms, you know that after sometime this dark feeling will welcomes you so much and so you continue to lie there.
And when the sun comes out, it's a struggle for you. So much of a struggle for you because your body doesn't have the energy to pull your whole entity out of bed neither are you mentally capable of doing so, you know that you need help, you know that you're scared for your life, you know that you wish someone saw and someone helped you but you, you won't do anything.
My body had become accustomed to this weird feeling now and it welcomed it with a familiarity and so did my mind. My hands were held a little bit above my face as I studied them, how come they looked so unfamiliar to me, all the ridges and curves that were on them ? I felt like I was left alone in this darkness until the sun came out and reality had yet again set in that this was another day, another day I would make it through sluggishly, another day I would be new to a school, another day, same as yesterday.
I looked at the way the sun had slowly danced into my bedroom,go back I would beg it but the sun wouldn't listen to my silent pleas. The bits of dust and particles that hung in the air, I could ogle at them all day long, they seemed to dance every time I would swoosh my hand.
"Dan! I hope you're out of bed!" I heard someone shout out for me, their voices sounded so distant to me. I didn't have the energy to scream back at them that I was awake. I had been awake for the past five hours.
The indicator that I gave that I was out of bed was the splattering sound of the shower droplets that fell against the floor. The water was cold, another surprise. Just like my existence, this was a fucking let down.
I was done within thirty minutes of showering that included shampooing my hair, soap on my body, face wash and brushing my teeth. Hygiene wasn't something to be avoided. I kept scrubbing my fingers long and hard, harder, harder, harder. The skin at the palm of my hands always seemed to be coming off. I didn't know whether it was the water that was running down my cheeks or was it my tears.
I wore my undergarments and the uniform of the school that I would be freshly attending, very quickly. It was a grey colored pant with a white shirt, a grey tie that was the same color as the pants, and socks that were white. Seems like I'm attending a funeral. Yay. Can I already be the indecent person who laughs at a funeral ? I mean I am already a laughing stock over here in my home where everyone pretends to be happy because over here, we fake our feelings and push the truth and real feelings at the farthest point of the human mind as possible. Everything, in this place, is fucking sunshine, I guarantee that when you enter this place the atmosphere isn't what will make you want to leave. It's the people. It's me. I will make you want to leave. Why ? Because I'm the fucking embodiment of Winnie the Pooh. I hope you've noticed the sarcasm by now.
I straightened my hair so it would fall slightly across my forehead, pulled my socks up, straightened my tie (well at least that is one thing straight with me aside from my hair) and went down stairs where I was greeted with my mom putting an omelet onto my plate.
"Well Dan, excited for your first day ?" My mom asked me extremely chipper about the fact that this was probably my seventeenth, 'first day'.
"Feeling the same as the past sixteen first day's mom. Only thing missing here is-" I started to say something and my mother cut me off and said, "I know what's happened… I know.. But it's hard on all of us."
"Doesn't seem like it." I said as I ate the breakfast.
"The previous seventeen times were because of your fathers job and the last time.. you know very well."
"Mom, I know very well. New place, new beginning but that's a load of bullshit and you know very well that the past will never leave you. It's always there."
"If you have the time to talk like that to your mother then you better get going to school Dan. Don't spoil everyone else's morning as well." My father interrupted us as he put his paper down.
"Well then," I said as I put on the most sarcastic smile, "Daniel Howell is done this his food and will now take his leave. I hope you all have the most fantastic mood once my presence has the left the door." I put my plate into the sink, put on my shoes and grabbed my school bag. I had already visited the school yesterday so the directions were fresh in my mind, I could hear my mother call for me in the background but I didn't pay heed. I wasn't needed there and so I wouldn't be there. Fuck it.
As I walked towards the school, silence engulfing me and the slight breeze of spring surpassing me, it felt okay. I liked being alone now, it was like me and the silence had become close lovers. In the distance I could see the school coming and closer to me I could see a boy with short black hair and his laughter was left ringing and echoing in my mind, his smile was fucking beautiful like Jesus had taken the fucking efforts to fucking make this wonderful human being in front of me.
I hand instinctively went to my chest where my heart was located. Come on, don't be this stupid. Not at first sight.
I knew I had this cold aura that surrounded me intensely so no one would try talking to me either, wonderful isn't it ? When you don't want to talk to anyone and a cold aura appears surrounds you completely and makes you unapproachable, wonderful right ? I tried being intimidating but the truth was far fetched from what I acted like.
I found my class and sat at the back of it. Since it was a new year, I didn't expect anyone to be here to know each other and so it would be like I was anyone else. I took out the book I had been reading, 'Buffy the vampire slayer' and it seemed amazing at the time (Still does).
I heard a laugh next to me and I looked up from my book and saw the same boy as I had seen in the morning sit beside me. Wonderful isn't it ? Just fucking wonderful. He was talking to a few other girls and boys when he noticed my eyes that were on him. He smiled at me and was going to say something but I looked back into my book and started reading again. These girls were so loud and all of them seemed something out of a romance manga like Ao Haru Ride or something.
"Irritating." It escaped my lips and luckily no one heard it because I said it softly and plus everyone seemed to be already in groups. Good. I didn't have to please anyone now or abide by some laws that were made by friendship. Our teacher entered soon and hushed us down.
"Everyone, the person to your right or left is now your partner for the rest of the year and most of your subjects. Get a long well please. And I will give you five minutes to talk to them."
I looked towards the boy on my right. THAT boy.
"So I'm Phil and I'm guessing you're Elsa ?" He said, trying to crack a joke. Whatever.
"I'm Dan." I said in my normal monotone voice.
"Why are you so angry or cold or whatever you are ?" He asked me, still with a smile.
"Why ? Does it bother you ?" I asked in a tone filled with malice.
"Yes, in fact, it does. And what's your full name ?" Phil asked me.
"Well, as you can see, I really don't show emotion towards other people or actually care about their wishes and honestly, I don't even care about you or anyone else. I really just want classes to start, to give my exams, to pass out of here, get a job and then travel away leaving everything."
"I'm going to try to lighten up your mood and I'm going to be your irritating-friend-partner-type-person-who-is-your-friend thing."
"Do you not understand ? I don't need you. " I said.
" I do understand but-" He was cut off as the teacher spoke up and started teaching us a lesson.
I was glad when she started teaching because now, I could concentrate. The only thing disturbing the silence was the scribble of pen or pencil against paper, the turning of paper, the air conditioning and the breathing of people. Shut up. Please. Everyone is such a fucking waste of space and air and oxygen. Peasants everywhere! Everybody's a peasant!
Phil, he was disturbing me. Disturbing me so much with his scribbling down something into some old sort of notebook. I tried so hard not to pay attention to him but that jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby kept on drawing; I think; into his book. For fucks sake mate, could you stop and pay attention ? As if on cue, Phil looked towards me and smiled, looked back down and continued doing whatever the dipshit was doing.
A sheet of paper fell out of his book and he didn't notice it. I picked it up and put it in my desk. Soon the period ended and I started getting up to switch to the next class (hurray) when Phil pulled on my sleeve.
"Yes you fucking jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby ?" I snapped at him. Sunshine snowflake basically meant a snowflake made out of sunshine.
"Woah, that hurt. You don't have to be so… cold… Elsa." Phil said, laughing at his little poor joke. I bet his penis is smaller, I don't even know where that thought came into my mind.
"Why did you tug on my sleeve ?" I rolled my eyes.
"All our classes happen in the same class, meaning the teachers will come to our class and we don't move out." Phil said, smiling yet again. Damn you god. You planned this,didn't you ?
"Wow, that seems convenient." I said sitting back down. I remembered that I had kept his sheet of paper with me. I pulled the sheet out of the desk and handed it to him.
I saw his eyes flicker with a sudden worry and then return to normal, I couldn't really say the same about his ears, they were as red as a baboons butt.
"Don't worry you jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby, I didn't read whatever you scribbled down onto that paper. Remember that I don't care ? So calm yo ass down." I said and slumped back into my seat.
He just held the paper against his chest and sat down. He didn't try looking at me after that. I reached into my bag to find out the class schedule but I couldn't find it at all. Phil handed me his. We were supposed to have Mathematics, go the power of trigonometry, go the power of triangles!
An old looking teacher walked in and sat down. White hair growing from his ears, you could probably braid that much hair, he wore thick black spectacles and a white mustache that could have been a beard. He finally spoke up, "Your mathematics teacher is absent today. That goddamn mother fuckin bastard isn't going to arrive for another cursed week. Partner up and do something."
I pulled out a book and was about to start reading when Phil turned over and took my book from me.
"C'mon, I'll show you around the school." He said, smiling at me. Oh my god. LOOK AT THAT FACE. NO NO NO NO NO NO.
"But won't the teacher-" I was cut off when Phil turned my head over to the teacher and I saw that he was sleeping. I smiled and Phil, "Thanks..." I murmured.
"Hey Elsa, you talked to me without calling me jackdonkey baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby." Phil said as he got out of his chair.
"Jackdonkey ?" I cocked an eyebrow at him, "I bet you don't swear." Phil nodded his head. We started walking around the school campus and I saw huge tree in the distance.
"What's that ?" I asked Phil pointing towards the huge tree.
"That's a tree." He answered blatantly.
"No shit man, someone should give you a medal but what's it doing here ? or the point ?"
"Oh, when I was in kindergarten, my class and our teacher planted that tree. I remember she told us that one day even the tree with it being linked with the circle of life or something like that. I really don't remember, I only remember because of the Lion King honestly speaking." Phil said and looked at me, "Do you want to go there ?" He asked me. I nodded my head.
We walked in silence, silence that had become my friend, my lover and me. It was beautiful for me. We reached in barely two minutes, the tree wasn't as big as I thought it was but it had so many branches and it was a cherry tree. It was magnificent!
I sat down underneath and just sat, didn't talk or move. Phil sat down next to me. We didn't say anything or do anything.
"You seem so intimidating." Phil said, breaking the silence that engulfed us.
"I'm as violent and intimidating as a pink butterfly that's stuck on a marshmallow." I said, smiling a little. I tried being intimidating all my life, I guess my cold ass motherfucking aura handled that.
Phil started laughing and pretended that he was a butterfly stuck on a marshmallow.
"You're new here right ?"
"How did you guess Amazing Phil ?"
"Because you haven't grown up here, this place isn't that big honestly. Everyone usually knows everyone by face or through someone, even the wallflowers. Also, your speaking style and the way you carry yourself is different, if that makes any sense at all." Phil said as he got up.
"Yeah well, you're right. New here." I said, running a hand through my hair and getting up.
"Hey, we're going to have a party this weekend, like a welcome-back-to-school-cum-new-grade kinda party. Would you be interested in going ? I don't know many people so um.. yeah." Phil said as we started walking back.
"I don't Phil, it's not my thing you know, going to parties, getting wasted or any of it." I said.
"C'mon! I could introduce you to people!" Phil said as he skipped a little. My hands slid into my pocket.
"I'll see Phil." I said. My anxieties were screaming in my hand saying 'Gurl you can't even handle ordering Pizza on the phone, what you gonna do at a party ?'
"Oh and Dan, you stopped calling me a jackdonkey whatever whatever and you're right, you're as intimidating as pink butterfly that got stuck on a marshmallow." Phil winked at me as he ran back to class. I laughed a little.
The rest of the school day went by fast, I didn't look at Phil again until school was over for the day.
"Want to go home with me Dan ?" a voice said, I looked up from packing my books, it was Phil.
"Um," I said and looked behind and saw his friends standing and waiting for him, "No, it's alright. You're friends are waiting for you. I'm not good at-" I was cut off when one of his friends called out to him, "Oye! Phil c'mon on man! We're going to be late!"
Phil looked at me, "It's okay Phil, go."
"See you tomorrow Dan!" Phil said and went with his friends.
I walked back home listening to music and thinking. I just realized that my nature changed drastically as I spoke to Phil. Why ? Did I start trusting him ? No, it can't be. It really can't. Maybe because it's the first time in 15-16 years someone's actually tried being friends with me ? I don't know but I really can't, CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT fall for a straight boy like Phil. Phil with the nice eyes that had specks of blue, green and gold in his eyes, the nice smile, the OH MY FUCKING GOSH NO, NO, NO DAN HOWELL YOU CANNOT DO THIS.
I removed my shoes and entered home, my mom was watching some TLC, 'Say Yes to the Dress' was coming on. I sat down next to her, pretty hungry.
"How was you first day ?" She asked while turning towards me.
"Pretty… okay, I guess. I got invited to a party." I said as I ran a hand through my hair.
"Oh… OH! Do you want to go ?" She asked.
"Not sure, what's there for food though ?" I asked.
"Some pasta and toasted bread."
"Could you serve please ? I'll go wash up and come." I got up and started leaving when I heard my mom say, "Dan, you seem… okay. Did you make a friend ?"
"I think…"
-x-
Hey Everyone!
PokemonTanya here. I hope you've all had a wonderful new year and amazing years and lives ahead :D This is my first Phan fanfiction. I would really appreciate it if anyone and everyone could leave constructive criticism. I'm also deeply apologetic for not writing for so long. I've had writers block and in addition to that I have my final school exams coming up, after this, I'm straight going to college! I love you all, you all are beautiful and worth it!
Love,
PokemonTanya.