WHERE YOU BELONG

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love"

CHAPTER ONE

Harvey Specter has always thrived on stress. In fact he prided himself on his ability to come into his own whenever the firm was in danger. He was a rock: strong and unwavering when everyone around him – particularly Louis – were falling apart. Right now his rock-like determination to win was what was holding the team together.

When Mike was arrested and charged with fraud he felt the all too familiar surge of adrenalin rush through his body. He was afraid and he would have done anything to make all of his friend's troubles go away, yet he was also excited. He couldn't explain why he felt excited, but there was just something about high stakes which thrilled him.

Mike's defence was undeniably one of the hardest things he'd ever had to deal with. He felt a great weight of responsibility for the young man who had so earnestly strolled into his interviews five year ago. He had known straight away that Mike was special and the thrill of turning this brilliant, but unqualified, guy into a corporate lawyer had given him such a buzz at the time. It was one of those edgy, impossible quests which he thrived on. Would he be able to convince the world that a drug-dealing college drop-out was in fact a Harvard graduate? He hadn't once doubted he would be able to pull off the illusion. He dared to achieve the unbelievable day in, day out, but this became his masterpiece and Mike's gargantuan rise to junior partner in the firm, with only a handful of people knowing the truth that he was a fraud, was testament to his brilliance.

In the beginning he hadn't realised his big idea would put other people in jeopardy too. Jessica had been furious when she found out Harvey, her friend and her partner, had pulled such a stunt. Pearson Specter Litt was her life's achievement and Harvey – the man she had groomed to run the law firm with her – had put all of that in jeopardy. To say Jessica Pearson's opinion of Mike Ross wasn't the best would be an understatement. Harvey knew this all too well, but he also knew that Jessica realised Mike was an incredible lawyer and she had benefited from having him in her firm over the years. Jessica would defend Mike because she had no choice.

Then there was Louis Litt. Louis?! Huh, hardly a day went by when Harvey and Louis didn't go at each other over something. They were chalk and cheese. Harvey was cool, calm, considered and confident. Louis was over emotional, over dramatic, eternally paranoid and he had a chip on his shoulder the size of China. Yet, underneath the teasing and the mocking and all of the ridiculous ways Louis vied for supremacy and needed constant validation, Harvey admired Louis for his loyalty. He would never admit it to his infuriating colleague, but he considered Louis a friend and he regretted his folly had placed him in danger too.

Finally there was Donna. Since Mike's arrest, Harvey's heart ached whenever he thought about his beautiful secretary. There was no category in which Donna seemed to fit in his life and for years Harvey hadn't been able to admit to himself that he cared for her … No, admit that he loved her. He loved Donna. He loved her more than anybody he had known in his entire life. She was always there by his side with her good advice, her legendary observations and her biting sarcasm. The fun teasing laced with innuendo was what he and Donna were all about. God, how he loved her teasing, her laughter, her confidence. It was true that she was his secretary and that she had worked for him for over a decade, but every time he called her by her job title – his secretary – he felt as if he were belittling her. She was more than just an employee. She was more than his friend. He had thought she was more than a lover, but to think about her in that way shook him to the core and he shut himself down. What if? There was always the 'what if' that would send his thoughts crashing back to reality. What if he screwed up like he had with Scottie, and Zoe and all the other girls he had ever tried to have a romantic relationship with?

Losing Scottie hadn't really mattered to him in the long run. He thought he loved Scottie, but he hadn't truly loved her and he hadn't ever needed her. He knew he had never needed anybody the way he needed Donna and he kept things ticking along with her the way they'd always been – as friends – because he was terrified of doing what he always did whenever he had a woman in his life. He always screwed up. He couldn't risk screwing up with Donna. When she left him to work for Louis she had broken him. He couldn't lose her again. THAT was unthinkable.

He sat down on his leather sofa, trying to focus on the job at hand. His coffee table was littered with papers, past cases, documents all telling him the same thing. The task of getting a very guilty Mike off the hook for fraud was going to be the toughest of his life so far.

He was all set to pull another all-nighter, which he didn't mind. It wasn't as if there was anything or anybody waiting for him at his condo. His head was racing with ideas, but every time he thought he had an angle … BAM! The analytical side of his brain, or the rational, or the creative would kick in and tell him it wasn't going to work. He had time. He wasn't going to give in until he had it and if all his years' experience as the best goddamn lawyer in New York City had taught him one thing, it had taught him he always wins.

It was nearing midnight and the office's bright lights had dimmed to a warm glow letting him know most people who worked in the building would be at home in their beds now and it was likely he was alone on his floor. He had just seen Mike and Rachel heading home together, Donna had been searching for some records Louis had thought could be useful in the file room and had probably left a while ago. Louis was? Well who cares where Louis was. Probably at the ballet or out mudding with a cat. Did he have a new cat? He couldn't even remember but he chuckled to himself at the thought of Louis sitting in a bath of mud with a cat snuggled in next to him. And Jessica had left early to clear her head and get some sleep. She was a morning person, which he wasn't. He expected her to be the first person he would see when he woke up from an agonisingly uncomfortable few hours' sleep on his sofa. She would be immaculately dressed as always, made-up, coiffured and ready to do business at 6am. He would feel like hell.

"Anything I can get you before I go?" said Donna's quiet voice from just inside his office.

"Donna? I thought you'd gone home already," he said with a smile genuinely surprised to see her. She smiled back and waited, watching him with eyes that knew him better than he knew himself. Those eyes. He swore she could see into his soul with those eyes. Knowing all of his secrets and all of his desires. How could she not know how much he loved her? When she had asked him 'love me how' months ago during that fateful day when she decided to abandon him for Louis, he couldn't answer her. He was terrified of what revealing the truth would mean, but he was also certain that she already knew. So why did he have to say it out loud?

"It took me hours to find that stuff Louis wanted and when I eventually did, you know what he said? It took him all of five seconds to decide it wasn't any use after all. Can you believe it? Of course you can. It's goddamn Louis we're talking about. Anyway, he's gone home without even saying sorry, the asshole!"

He laughed. She was rolling her eyes in that way of hers and he was imagining her reprimanding Louis for being the asshole everyone knew he was. She was the best at putting Louis in his place and had had the measure of him from day one. He loved that about her. He would pay good money to watch her chastise Louis, but he also admired how she had forged a genuinely strong bond with him. She cared for him deeply and she looked out for him when barely anybody else in the firm gave him the time of day and that was the measure of her. Her compassion was boundless.

He watched her shut down her console and get her coat. His stomach lurched. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he hated talking about his feelings. His therapist, Dr Agard, had helped him open up and understand that his hopelessness with relationships stemmed from his mother's betrayal of the family. He got that now. But knowing why he was dreadful at relationships was one thing and unfortunately that's where Dr Agard's assistance had ended. Sure, he knew why he sucked, but he didn't know how to un-suck.

She walked past his office on her way out and glanced at him through the glass mouthing 'goodnight'. "Donna", he shouted after her. 'shit, here we go' he thought and his heart missed a beat.

"Yes," she replied sticking her head through the door again.

"I … erm … this is … have a good night," he croaked nervously.

"What is it Harvey?" she asked. Her eyes narrowed to a frown as a flash of concern shot across her face.

His stomach lurched again. "It's nothing" he said out of habit, shutting his eyes and mentally kicking himself. "Go home, get some sleep, it's late."

She came into the room and stood before him. "Harvey?" she said with a worried tone in her voice which meant one thing. If he didn't get this right, he was going to get his ass kicked again and they would end up fighting. He took a deep breath. 'What the fuck am I waiting for?' he thought as he gathered up everything he had and decided there was no right, perfect time to do this, so it may as well be now.

"I love you," he said keeping his head buried into the papers in his hand which he was pretending to read. He wanted to look into her eyes so much, but he didn't know what the hell to expect after the last time he confessed his feelings.

Donna sat next to him on the sofa and he felt it. Butterflies. Churning. Fear at the back of his throat. Sweating. 'Jesus, please don't let me have a panic attack' he thought.

"Harvey, look at me" she said tenderly, taking the papers from his hands and forcing him to turn to look at her. God she was so beautiful. Her thick fiery red hair cascaded over her shoulders and framed her face, revealing those eyes which were now looking at him pleading for him not to screw up. "Harvey, we've been here before," she said gently, "you know what happens next, don't you?"

Her smile said it all. It relaxed him and the churning dimmed a little. "Yeah," he said wryly. "You say, 'love me how' and I say something fucking stupid."

Donna laughed. She wasn't laughing in her usual way. She wasn't telling him, 'ok that's over with' now I'm going to tease you mercilessly'. Instead, her laugh was warm and it told him that she knew.

"This is hard for me," he said quickly, catching that knowing expression of hers. He hoped she'd understand what he was trying to say to her and take over the conversation.

"Harvey, I know it's hard for you, but you can't keep on doing this to me. It's not fair."

"I know. It's just hard to tell you 'how' I love you because I've never loved anybody the way I love you. It's different. You're different."

Donna's eyes welled up. She looked down nervously and he could see the rawness of the emotions in her face. He reached out to touch her. To brush her hair and stroke her face, but as soon as his hand drew near he stopped and pulled away. They didn't touch. Ever since The One Time they'd done everything in their power to avoid touching each other.

He watched her slowly turn her face to look at him. Her eyes were teary. "Harvey" she pleaded, "why now?"

"I've wanted to put things right for months. You deserved an answer to that question months ago but I couldn't … I didn't know how to answer. I was afraid to answer you. You're my best friend and I don't want to screw things up with you".

He caught her gaze. She looked confused but he didn't think he'd fucked up … yet … so he decided to go for it. He decided to unburden himself with words that were long overdue. "You know me better than I know myself. I would do anything for you. I won't ever let anything bad happen to you, you know that. I'll fight for you and do everything I can to keep you safe. Always. When I think of you I feel sick to my stomach with fear. I'm terrified of losing you but I've never done anything … god, seriously … I know I've done nothing to deserve you. You make me feel like … like I've never loved another woman in my life and, you know what? I don't think I ever have. I thought I had, but I haven't, not really. I haven't loved anybody like I love you. You're the reason I go on. You're the reason I do this shit every day. You make me who I am. You're everything to me."

He watched her face intently. 'shit please let that be good enough' he thought. His temperature was starting to rise and he felt his heart beating deep in his throat.

And then she kissed him.

Her lips were so gentle and he felt as if she were trying to talk through them as she softly placed them on his. Her touch was so tender and warm and he felt a fire rising within him. A fire that had been raging unchecked for over a decade. She drew away and looked into his eyes. He smiled. She moved in closer and she reached out to touch his face, his hair, the back of his head, drawing him towards her. She sighed and placed her forehead on his. "Thank you" she whispered and she kissed him again. This time slower and stronger, parting her mouth and letting her tongue taste his fear.

And then he lost control. He had tried so hard to do everything right. To not fuck up. But he wasn't prepared for the strength of his longing for her. He stood up from the sofa, taking her with him, kissing her all the time. He kept checking she was ok, that this was what she wanted and her smile and the yearning he could see in her own eyes gave him the answer.

He was aching to consume her. To finally have her completely as his own, but even he wasn't prepared for the adrenalin which was coursing through him. Weeks of built up stress surged within his body as he picked her up and pushed her up against his office wall. She yelped in shock as she felt the weight of him holding her up, his lips searching for her neck, her shoulders and her mouth, over and over again. His kisses were forceful and powerful, telling her that he now knew that she was what he wanted.

And she kissed him back feverishly. Her hands pulling at his hair, her legs wrapped around his. He let his hands move over her body, touching her freckled porcelain arms, the fullness of her breasts, her long legs … he pushed up her dress, clawing at the stiff, electric blue fabric which was in his way and pulling it up over her thighs. She moaned softly into his mouth and he quickly looked into her eyes checking she was ok before un-belting his pants and releasing himself.

It was all so quick and intense. 'Is this what we were waiting for?', he wondered briefly before raising her up against the wall again, wrapping her legs around his waist and entering her fast and deep, building up a pace, his heart pumping and his mouth kissing every inch of her.

She came first, her walls tightening around him as she wrapped her arms tight around his neck, her shrieks shattering the silence of the office. He slowed his pace briefly, allowing her to recover, then he began again. His need and his yearning consuming him once more as he thrust into her over and over again until he eventually filled her and felt the release he needed. It was done.

They stood motionless for a while. He was still holding her up. She still had her legs wrapped possessively around him. God how he had wanted this moment. 'What now?' he thought. They'd crossed the line into the place they'd both wanted to go, but they had both been resisting this for years, afraid of how they felt. Could they handle this? Could they have what other … what normal people had?

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't heard her sob. When he felt her tears on his neck he lowered her to the floor, filled with concern. "Have I hurt you?" he said, his voice desperate with concern. She shook her head. Tears were falling freely from her eyes now and it looked as though she was trying her hardest to regain composure. "Donna, please?" he asked again, "Please tell me?"

She wiped the wetness from her face and pushed her dress back down to her knees. "It shouldn't have been like this", was all she said. Her voice was full of sadness and … in his mind … it was full of regret. His heart sank and everything came crashing down around him. Seconds after experiencing the greatest joy he had ever had he collapsed into absolute despair.

Donna walked towards the door, grabbing her coat and without looking back at him, she ran out of the office.

He watched her leave feeling nothing but horror at what had just happened. He couldn't move, he couldn't call after her, he couldn't go to her. He was frozen. He'd screwed it up already. ALREADY. How the hell was he ever going to put this right?