Disclaimer: The characters of Gilmore Girls do not belong to me; they are the property of Amy Sherman Palladino and other affiliates. I am borrowing them for the simple reason of fan fiction. The storyline is from Mohabbatein, of which I hold no deeds of either. The first lyrics are of Faith Evans and the latter, Sweetbox.
A/N: I decided to re-do this story, because frankly, I think that I had done a very poor job with it before. I was talking about a very emotional topic: death and I didn't handle it very well, I think. Now, I'm not sure if this will be any better, but I hope it is. Thank you, Elise, for looking this over.
Caution: For those of you who aren't comfortable with angst, please don't read this. And, yes, this might be a little confusing and there will be a lot unsaid, but please, use your imagination.
Priya
~~~
It's over now, I can't compete
I don't know how I'm still standing on my feet
So turned around and incomplete
I'm not that happy woman that I used to be
~~~
The wind howled outside, as the rain pelted against the windows treacherously. Lorelai changed her position on the couch, and looked at the empty spot next to her longingly. Immediately, her jaw clenched and her sullen, blood shot eyes became icy. Her demeanor changed and pain shot through her body.
No, no! Not again, she cursed herself and her life. Her eyes were fully open now, as if she was in shock, and she might have been. She gripped onto a pillow hard, digging her nails into it. If it were flesh, livid marks would be present. Her breathing became shallow, and she gasped for air. Dark. Everything was dark. The room was dark. Outside was dark. Her heart was dark.
The room was spinning.
Her body refused to remember because it was heavy and powerful, like her guilt.
Desperate, she jammed her eyes shut; no more visions could come to her now. Wrong. Now they came, more vivid and painful than ever. It all came back, all of it.
Today was the day, the day her daughter died. The last day that she saw her smiling face. The last day that she drank coffee with her. The last day she told her "I love you, Rory." The last day she could be her mother. Today was the day that an angel had been taken away from her life, her only daughter. She tired so hard not to evoke those memories, but resistance was futile.
Because she had changed drastically over the years, they were the only things that could make her the least bit vulnerable. The curtains opened, and her mask fell, her eyes brimmed with tears for the whole world to see.
~~~
It had been a tiresome day at the inn, and she came home with only the intention of collapsing in her bed. Humming to herself, she slipped into the kitchen, and put on a fresh pot of coffee. She sighed, inhaling the luscious aroma of coffee beans, which soon spread throughout the house. Sorting through the mail that was on the table, she headed over to the answer machine. Strange, there were twelve messages flashing.
Chuckling, she listened to two from Babbette asking her if she had seen Ginger, the newest edition of cats to the family, and then telling Lorelai not to worry; Ginger had been found. The Pumpkin Festival was coming up, and Taylor yelled at Lorelai "to not throw pumpkins at bald men's head, and be amused by it, like a child". Then he called two more times because his message was too long, and the machine cut him off mid sentence. There were two from Miss Patty and one from Sookie.
Lorelai groaned, debating whether to check the last four or do something more useful with her time. After feeling rejuvenated by her coffee doses, she settled down and pushed the play button.
"Hi, Lorelai." His voice was hoarse, and there was a sense on panic in it. "Umm, l—I –I don't know how to tell you this… Rory's in the hospital right now. She-" his voice was beginning to quaver, "She was in a car accident...it's bad."
Lorelai stood still for a minute, her eyes focused on the machine. Taking in what she heard. Everything was jumbled.
Hands clammy. Feeble. She was feeble. Head felt light, too light. Heart beating hard; felt it would come out. Body felt heavy, like rocks had been stuffed into her. A battle. A long, grueling battle between her head and body. Her light head wanted to float off, but her body said no.
Rory. Hospital. Accident. The words rolled around in her mind, as she processed. Rory. Hospital. Accident. Rory. Hospital. Accident. Rory. Hospital. Accident. She kept on chanting it like a young child does, trying to memorize or get something.
Rory.
Hospital.
Accident.
No, no! This can't be happening, her mind screamed. As she thought, everything came out slow and choppy. Rory is at her apartment. She has a nice apartment, a very nice apartment. Tristan lives with Rory and baby Emily. Rory is a good driver. Tristan is a good driver. Good drivers don't have accidents. Rory is fine. She is well.
Then it clicked, and she blinked for the first time in three minutes. These false ideas that her brain was feeding her, were not true. And, she finally realized that Rory was in the hospital.
Panic seized her body as she listened to the messages again, trying to find out the vital information that would lead her to Rory. Suddenly, Luke came into mind. She grabbed the phone dialing Luke's number, but no one picked up. She dialed again, her fingers shaking with every button she pressed; still, no one answered. Frustrated, she slammed the phone. From then on, she despised Luke for not being there for her. One more person to add to her hit list.
She made her way towards the jeep, fumbling with the keys. Finally managing to get the car started, she concentrated on driving, not letting her mind linger, which, of course, never happened.
She didn't even know why she was going to see Rory. She thought she had made herself perfectly clear, that she didn't approve of Rory's decision to marry him. Even though it happened against her wishes, she went to their wedding.
There was a reason why Lorelai despised Tristan, actually, there were several. She hated him when he made her daughter's school life a living hell, but she let that go because he was young and immature. She hated him when he broke her daughter's heart for someone else, but she let that one go, too, because people move on. She hated him when he returned, begging Rory to take him back, but that was let go off, once again, because people realize what they're missing. She hated him when he got drunk and made her daughter cry, and she dismissed that, knowing that they he would grow up. She hated him when he cheated on her daughter, and she, herself, covered for him, lying to Rory because she didn't want to see her cry. She hated him because he was going to be the reason for her daughter's death, and she couldn't let that one fly by.
But most of all she hated him because he never did change. No matter how many chances she gave him, he was always the objection of her resentment. Bastard.
And, for that she hated herself because she gave him chances. She opened up, and got hurt and got Rory hurt. What kind of mother was she, if she couldn't even protect her child?
She somehow arrived at the hospital, but the nurse wouldn't let her see Rory. Not caring, she pushed past the nurse almost knocking her over.
When she entered the room, she saw the thing that broke her: Rory lay on a bed, looking so frail and helpless. Her glowing complexion had become chalky white. Her face was scraped up severely form the broken bits of glass and the impact of the bent up car. Her hair was damp with blood, some of which was clotting. And there were wires and cords and tubing, they were everywhere, hooked onto Rory.
Immediately Lorelai's vision became blurry as she made her way to Rory's bed. Hesitating, she stroked her face, not caring if she were stained by her blood. It was Gilmore blood, after all, and soon, one less Gilmore would have it coursing through her veins.
She looked at the machine, which monitored Rory's heart. The lines were slowly decreasing. Damn machine. What did it know?
Just then someone walked in, shutting the door carefully. When she saw him, her eyes were burned with hatred. Tristan. He tried to speak to her, but she rose up a hand silencing him. Turning to Rory, she whispered soothing words to her, hoping she would open her eyes, and with a final kiss, left.
Because of her blind anger, that was the last time she ever saw Rory, and she tormented herself for not staying to bid her farewell. That day she promised herself that she would take good care of Emily, not let her become a Rory, and not let Tristan ruin her.
~~~
Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes. No one knew how much she missed Rory, but she was the only one who knew how she had survived for the past ten years. Waking up every morning and not hearing Rory's laughter. She loved her daughter, but it was hard forgiving her for what she did, and how she let Tristan treat her.
The piercing shrill of the doorbell suddenly broke the quiet atmosphere. Placing the remote down, Lorelai padded towards the door. It creaked when she flung it open, and saw who it was, and stood there frozen, her muscles tensing, not knowing what to do. What was he doing here? Then she remembered: he had called earlier, wanting to meet with her, and for some odd reason, she accepted even though she knew why he was coming. Finally, she jolted from her trance and tried to shut the door, but he was already inside.
"What do you want?" she tried to keep her voice toned and leveled. Anger wasn't going to win this.
He sat down, quietly. His forehead was wrinkled, as if he was thinking of what to say. "Please, Lorelai, don't take my daughter away from me. I understand that you don't like me—"
He was interrupted by her scoffing, "Like? Tristan, you give yourself too much credit."
Ignoring her, he continued, "This law suit that you filed…why? Abuse, on what terms? I have never laid a finger on Emily. I love her more than anything in this world! Why are you trying to ruin our lives, Lorelai? Don't punish her for what we did."
She narrowed her eyes. "What you did."
He sighed looking out the window and wincing when he saw lightening. Who ever thought the pure, blue sky could become so deadly violent? It reminded him of how Lorelai had become over the past ten years. "I'll do anything, but please don't take her away from me. Please withdraw your case. I don't want to fight anymore."
"Anything?" she laughed bitterly. "Then give me my daughter back. Give me Rory! Make her alive again. You just can't come waltzing into my house, and expect me to let you keep the only memory of Rory I have, dammit!" She cried out fiercely. "Who the hell do you think you are? Can you do that? Can you bring my daughter back to me?!" she screamed pounding her fist on the table so hard, that the photo frames fell and the glass was shattered…much like her heart.
He didn't respond, he didn't know how to.
She shook her head and went on, looking devastated. "I thought so. Let me do what I have to do. I would be better if you would just stay out my way." She stopped, taking a deep breath and said something that even startled herself, "But I want you to tell my granddaughter that whatever you said about her mother was a lie. I want you to tell her that there is no love in this world, just pain. Tell her that you don't believe in love, friendship, or kindness. They're all lies, and they don't exist! I don't want her to become like Rory and fall in love and die. Die and break everyone's fucking heart!"
That hit him hard. He hands began to shake, and he responded in a small voice "Why?" he asked, outraged by her words. "So she can be just like you? So she can become a bitter, cruel hearted bitch like you?!" He couldn't sit down any more and take whatever she was throwing at him. "Dammit, Lorelai! I never thought that you of all people could become like this."
His words didn't sting Lorelai. In fact, no one's words hurt her anymore. She had become immune to people calling her that, and she didn't mind. She had heard those words repetitively. They even came back and haunted her in her sleep sometimes, but she didn't care. She had heard it all. Then why, she thought, if she didn't care, were there tears in her eyes? Blood was boiling inside of her. "Why the hell should I care for anything or anyone? Especially you. The one who stole her away from me?! If she hadn't married you she wouldn't have died in the car crash!" she barked out gritting her teeth, and wiping her eyes quickly. The saying was true: he, who angers you, conquers you. It seemed that Tristan had full command over Lorelai. She needed to regain her composure.
"If you didn't care, Lorelai," he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air, "then you would leave my daughter and I alone! Not try to take her away from me!?" That was it. She wasn't going to change her mind, and he didn't need to deal with her any more. Enough was enough. He needed to leave.
This must have been Lorelai's day for screwing up because she was doing a damn good job. She wanted him to feel the pain that she had gone through, but she didn't even want to recognize the pain that he went through. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret, and that she did. Before he could step out he heard her gloating voice, "I told you, Tristan, that you could never have my daughter and look," she laughed, "you don't. She should have listened to me and not have married you. I remember that day when you told me that Rory was yours. Look now, Tristan, she isn't yours. I won and you lost."
He stopped dead in his tracks and there was jet black silence. Pain was the first thing that he felt from her. Lorelai could never accept the fact that Rory loved him. Damn her. Turning around, he responded in a toneless voice his eyes flickering wildly in rage, "Sorry Lorelai, but from where I see you're the one who lost. Because from where I'm standing, I see a bitter woman crying under the picture of her dead daughter. You lost then, and you lost now." He didn't stop; she needed a slap from reality.
Lorelai's hand searched for the wall, as she turned to steady herself. Feeling the intense throbbing in her head, she held back her tears. Tristan was turning her already chaotic world upside down…again.
"Lorelai, have you ever wondered why I still keep in touch with you? The girl I love is no more in this world. I came back for you Lorelai," he pointed at her shaking his head. "I came back for the mother of the girl, who I loved and will always love. I came back because she always told me that you were an affectionate and amazing woman with the most ridiculous addiction to coffee," he let out a painful chuckle. "She always told me to keep trying until you accepted me into your world. Did you know that I don't have any pictures of Rory? Sad, yes. I was so devastated after her death that I burnt them in anger. But I still have no need for them, because wherever there is love, I see Rory. And I thought that if I could remind you what love is once more, then you would be able to see Rory too. And I thought if you saw how happy she is, maybe your pain would lessen. I came to share your pain, Lorelai," he whispered, his voice breaking. "Not to cause you any."
By now Lorelai was on the ground, her shoulders shaking violently. The tears streaming from her expressionless, hollow eyes. Tristan could always deliver a great speech, she thought, even though it was horribly corny yet horribly true, and it would always make her cry.
He continued his voice so full with emotion, "I came to show you love, Lorelai, something that you were always so full of. I came because I knew that Rory was incomplete without you, but you still haven't managed to understand that she's still incomplete without me, too. She can only be completed when we stop this—this fighting. I came to do that, which couldn't be done while she was living. I came to complete Rory," he whispered, drowning himself in his own pool of tears." "I came to complete Rory."
Her head pounded, it ached, and she continued to cry, letting the tears flow freely.
"You won every battle in your life, but you lost everything worth living for," he sighed, stopping for a second. "You lost a daughter then, and now—now you've lost a son."
The impact of his words was releasing all her misery in the form of tears.
"I'm sorry, Lorelai, but where I'm standing from, you lost everything. Because from where I'm standing, I see a stubborn woman who's facing her back from the two people who love her most in this world," he said softly, knowing that his time was up. He left for the door, just as quickly as he had come.
Lorelai turned around slowly and saw Tristan's reflection, on the glassy, black and white picture of Rory that was hanging over the fireplace. She looked so happy in that picture, for a brief second Lorelai wanted to smile and share her joy. The two people who love me the most, she told herself. His words were clinging on to her. You've lost everything; it swirled around in her mind. When she looked up, Tristan was gone. Anger was a weapon she held by the blade, and now she had destroyed the two people who loved her most with it.
Her eyes glistened in the tumultuous night, and when she silently shed her tears, they became ice. All because she was cold, and bitter, and alone. Anger was vicious, a monster tearing at her with ugly claws, leaving her bleeding and brokenhearted. Incomplete, even.
~~~
Who ever thought the sun will come crashing down
My life in flames
My tears complete the pain
We fear the end, the dark as deep as river bed
My book of life incomplete without you here
Alone I sit and reminisce
~~~
Est finis.