This is my first attempt at this, so don't expect a masterpiece :) It's set sometime during 2010, and in case it matters the last episode I had seen before writing this was 503 (and there's a minor spoiler for episodes 501 in the text somewhere). It's fairly BroTP centric, so expect focus on that, but it's not a strict shipper fanfic so there is something resembling a subplot :) Also, it kind of changes style after a while. It's dialogue heavy all the way, but it's more... drama-y towards the end. And I have to admit I'm not too happy with the last bit. Hm, what else? It's written in the third person, but with Future Ted narrations in italics.
In any case, please review and give me pointers on what to improve.
Now kids, as you know, one of the main reasons why things didn't work out between Aunt Robin and me was that we wanted different things. She wanted to travel around the world and not commit herself, and I, well I wanted a family. So when she started dating Uncle Barney we knew one thing for sure. While they were bound to have their fair share of problems, one obstacle they wouldn't have to face was not agreeing on what they wanted out of the relationship. Neither one of them wanted kids or marriage, and while they did have other issues, things were all in all going pretty smoothly. At least for a while...
McLaren's
Ted, Marshall and Lily had just begun working on their second round of beers when they were joined by Robin and Barney, each with a scotch in hand. After greetings and "how was your day?"s had been exchanged the topic drifted to other things.
"So, isn't this exciting?" Lily opened with a huge grin on her face.
"Is what exciting?" Robin asked, only half paying attention to Lily in favor of the cell phone in her hand.
"Your one year anniversary! I cannot believe the two of you have made it a whole year!"
"Are you sure?" Barney said, beginning to do math in his head. "Didn't we hit one year like a month ago?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it's next week" Lily said. "But so you guys have already celebrated it?"
"Celebrated?" Barney questioned. "What's there to celebrate? Even Ted managed to make it for a year with Robin."
"Thanks" Ted said dryly.
"You guys, come on, you have to celebrate your one year anniversary" Lily said with a disillusioned look on her face.
"Really Lil, it's not that big a deal" Robin said, looking up from the text she was writing.
"It is a big deal" Lily objected. "Anniversaries are milestones, especially when you're dating Barney Stinson. Put away your cell phone, pay attention."
"Uh-oh" Barney sighed. "Don't tell me we're in for another round of Lily Knows Best. You know what we should do? We should ignore the one year together thing and instead let you throw together a nice romantic dinner for yourself Lily on the one year anniversary of you locking us inside Robin's bedroom to force us to have the talk."
"Come on you guys, don't you think it's something worth celebrating?" Marshall asked. "One year, I mean that's pretty amazing. Especially for you guys."
"What does that mean?" Barney asked and glanced over at what Robin was texting. "There's two Os in hooters. And no U."
"What are you texting?" Ted had to ask. "And who?"
"Oh there's this woman at Barney's office who has a crush on him" Robin explained. "So I'm using his cell to text her and tell her what a hot girlfriend he's already got."
"Oh, what's the matter Robin, some hot little number making a play for your man?" Lily said in a teasing tone.
"Well, since Robin and I got together my boss lifted his no-female-assistant-for-Stinson rule" Barney explained. "But naturally, while you might be able to stop me from hitting a hot chick, there's no stopping the hot chicks from wanting to hit me."
"Well as soon as I hit send she's gonna find out that she can't hold a candle to the reason why you're not hitting her" Robin commented and sent the text.
"Poor thing" Barney said and shook his head sadly. "Imagine finding out you've been banned from Stinson-love land. Turned down at the border. Visa not valid. What a cruel fate."
"Well if we're not going to talk about the upcoming anniversary--" Ted began.
"Oh we're not" Barney said empathically. "In fact, we've already forgotten about it."
"You know that girl I hooked up with last weekend here at the bar?" Ted continued, ignoring Barney.
"The cheese girl?" Marshall asked.
"Yeah, Louise."
"Easy cheesy Louisey" Barney said with a grin and a nod. "Nice."
"Well I thought it was just going to be a one time thing, but then I ran into her again last night" Ted said. "And before you know it, she was coming with me upstairs and we had ourselves a little sequel."
"Way to go bro" Barney said. "Up high!"
"Wow, so you think Cheesy Louisey might become a frequent guest star in our lives?" Lily asked with a smile.
"No, and don't call her that. She just happens to work with cheese, she's not cheesy. And it was just a one time thing... that happened twice."
"It's the monogamous form of two timing" Robin concluded.
"Actually..." Ted began.
"Oh I knew it" Barney sighed. "You couldn't just have casual, fun sex with someone without starting to picturing yourself reminding her to breathe over and over as she punches out a Mosby rugrat. And just when I thought we were making progress with you."
"No, I'm not going to date her" Ted said. "I was going to say that it's not considered monogamy unless you're actually dating."
"Ted, don't be a Ted" Robin groaned.
Marshall got up and bought a new round for the group, who drifted over from Ted's two night stand into talking about any plans they might have for the summer. As Marshall got back with the drinks Barney got a text message.
"Is that her?" Robin asked. "What is she doing texting you back?"
"Being polite?" Barney suggested.
"Believe me, the text I sent did not invite politeness" Robin said and grabbed the cell phone to see what she had written. "Oh my God!"
"What?" Marshall asked.
"She's actually suggesting a threeway. She thinks you brought up your hot girlfriend as a way of inviting her to a threeway."
"Best assistant ever!" Barney concluded.
"Maybe you should have gone with something classier than describing your hooters" Lily suggested.
"I was trying to sound like Barney! This girl is really starting to bug me" Robin muttered and began writing a response.
"Okay, okay, Scherbatsky out" Barney decided and grabbed his phone back. "I'll tell her to back off, again, but you need to not write threatening texts to her. She thinks they're coming from me, and the last thing I need is to have my assistant thinking I'm threatening her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a quality assistant who is also hot?"
"Well why does she have to be hot?" Marshall began to ask, and then groaned. "Never mind, forget that I asked..."
"Because, Marshall," Barney said, "this is a person I have to look at all day at work. Having her be hot simply makes my workday more enjoyable."
"That's a bold statement to make if you want to get laid tonight" Lily remarked.
"I'm not going to do anything with her" Barney protested. "But it's like having nice artwork around, or keeping the office nice and tidy. I work better when things around me are pleasing on the eyes."
"Honestly, I have no idea how you've made it a whole year without shooting yourself in the foot" Ted remarked and began working on his second beer.
"Robin trusts me, right?" Barney said with a glance at his girlfriend.
"Before Robin can answer that and ruin everyone's night," Lily interrupted, "can I just say that I really think the two of you should do something special on your anniversary. Don't you want to celebrate the fact that you finally got together?"
"We did." Barney replied. "A year ago. By having sex."
"You might as well just let it go, Lily" Ted said and shrugged a shoulder. "Face it, they're not like you and Marshall. Or like me and Robin were. Or like any other couple that ever roamed the face of the earth for that matter."
"I still can't believe it's been a whole year..." Lily said with a dreaming sigh.
"I didn't mean that in any form of romantic sense" Ted objected.
"Oh no" Barney said, looking scared. "She's got that... that dreamy look in her eyes. She's envisioning us dancing at our future children's wedding again. How many times do I have to tell you Lily, if I'm ever cursed with children they will be way too awesome for the likes of your offspring."
"But I think it's so romantic that the two of you have found each other..." Lily said in her dreamy voice.
"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what our definition of romance was" Robin remarked and took a sip from her scotch.
"Well would you ever have thought you would be here, just a couple of years back? I think it's so sweet when longtime friends find love in each other. That's why I watch soap operas on my days off. And Friends reruns."
"You do have a point" Barney had to admit, while smacking away Robin's hand that was trying to grab his phone again.
"See, you can be romantic too" Marshall encouraged.
"Last week he doodled on my birth control pill chart" Robin pointed out. "That's about as far as the romance goes."
"Well that can be pretty sweet" Lily tried to believe.
"He doodled a picture of what I would look like a few years down the line if I forgot to take my pills" Robin told her. "Apparently pregnancy will not treat my body well. That being said... It is kind of amazing how we ended up being a couple. I would never have believed it a few years ago. But it just seems right."
"Awww, you guys are so made for each other" Marshall said, in full-blown shipper mode.
"I don't believe in that whole 'made for each other' crap" Barney objected.
"Yeah me neither" Robin agreed.
"Are you guys just genetically programmed to not believe in anything that implies that love is about more than dumb luck?" Lily asked with an annoyed tone.
"It's just that the whole meant-to-be, we-all-have-a-soulmate stuff is a bunch of crap" Barney insisted. "It's something people like you, who mate for life at a tender age, make up so you'll never have to wonder if you could have loved someone else the way you love each other."
"Ted believes in it" Lily pointed out.
"And Ted's marriage to no one is blissful indeed" Barney countered. "Look how well the theory has worked out for him."
"Well not everybody meets their soulmate in college" Marshall said and with a goofy smile put an arm around Lily. "Just those of us who are really lucky."
"I think the word you're looking for is delusional" Barney replied.
"Well don't you at least believe in long lasting love?" Lily asked, trying desperately to keep at least some of her views of life from being shattered by the couple across the table.
"That's different."
"How?"
"Feelings don't have to have an expiration date," Robin explained their point of view, "but that's entirely different from believing you were destined to be with someone."
"Well do you think you guys can make it long term?" Lily asked.
"Yeah, sure" Robin said and shrugged her shoulders.
"Wow, you seem convinced" Ted said sarcastically.
"If we're going to keep talking about this, I'm gonna need more alcohol" Barney sighed.
He got up and went over to the bar to get another drink. Lily opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Barney's cellphone, left behind on the table, starting to ring. Robin picked it up and answered it.
"Stinson's phone, First Lady of Awesome speaking."
"She answers a phone like that?" Marshall mouthed to Lily, who just shrugged a shoulder.
"They hung up!" Robin said and looked at the phone with a bit of confusion.
"Well I would too if someone answered like that" Marshall told her.
"The call came from Barney's assistant" Robin said and frowned. "Why would she just hang up like that?"
"I bet she wasn't expecting any female official of Awesome to answer" Ted said.
"But hanging up, isn't that--"
"You know that old saying, 'better to marry your best friend than your lover'?" Barney asked as he slid back into the booth, cutting her off.
"What about it?" Marshall asked.
"Well it's like that with Robin and me. Except she's both my bro and my lover. And without the marriage part."
"That's sweet, and sad, all at the same time" Lily said.
"What?" Barney said. "We're never gonna get married. Either you just met us two minutes ago or you knew that already. Now, moving on to more interesting topics, what was Cheesy Louisey like in bed?"
-
With that the conversation about Barney and Robin was over. We stayed at the bar for an additional hour or two before Robin had to leave for work and the rest of us decided to call it a night as well. Things seemed normal, but we would soon find out they weren't.
-
Three days later the guys sat down at their booth with a pitcher of beer and a plate of nachos which Barney seemed to be hogging for the most part. Marshall was well into a story about an old high school friend of his who had gone off to some European country to save dolphins but instead had somehow ended up tangled into a net on a shrimp boat by the time he realized there were edible things on the table and as a result ended up with next to nothing.
"Dudes!" he complained. "I was hungry!"
"Yes and these were obviously the last nachos in all the world" Barney replied dryly. "I'm crying for you, on the inside."
"Serves you right" Ted said. "You made me crave shrimps."
"Yeah... and dolphin" Barney added with a thoughtful nod.
"So you know how I slept with Louise again last night?" Ted began, changing the subject before Barney decided to elaborate on the subject of eating dolphin.
"Cheesy Louisey? You slept with her again?" Barney said with disbelief.
"Okay could you please stop calling her that?" Ted groaned. "And yes, we slept together again last night."
"Wow, that makes three times" Marshall said with a grin and a nod. "Way to go Ted."
"Indeed, way to go" Barney agreed with a small nod. "So are we all invited to the wedding? Just so you know, winter weddings don't work for me. The bridesmaids wear too long dresses."
"There won't be a wedding. I'm not looking to date her" Ted insisted. "She's just a booty call. I thought you of all people would high five something like that."
"Yeah, booty calls are awesome" Barney said matter-of-factly. "But Ted, there is still so much I need to teach you. The training wheels are still on and so is the helmet. And I'm really starting to think we're going to have to get you one of those flags that stick up from the back of the bike so that we can know where you are at all times, in case you fall over and scrape your tender little knees. Preferrably an orange flag--"
"Could you please abandon the bike metaphor?" Ted cut him off and tried to steal one of the few remaining nachos. "What is there to teach about a booty call? Time was you used to proclaim them the highest form of male/female relationships."
"Yeah, but you're coming dangerously close to breaking the most important rule of booty call conduct."
"I'm not going to take her out to dinner, relax."
"No. I'm talking about the numenor rule."
"The numenor rule?" Marshall questioned.
"Figures you've never heard of it."
"Barney, I'm pretty sure that numenor is a royal lineage from the Lord of the Rings." Ted commented and took a sip from his beer.
"Was it mentioned in the movie?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Then excuse me, but I only know facts that might actually get me laid. Reading is a waste of your time. Unless it's you and you're reading Scoring for Dummies. Though you're right, I mispronounced. It's the numeric rule."
"Fine, I'll bite" Marshall sighed. "What, oh wise Stinson, is the numeric rule?"
"It's the rule that helps us know how to keep a booty call from becoming more than a booty call." Barney duhd. "How can you not know this?"
"Because I've had as many booty calls as you've had... No, I can't actually think of anything you've probably never done."
"I've never gone kayaking" Barney said thoughtfully.
"So it's the numeric rule now?" Ted said. "I thought it was the gremlin rule."
"That? No, that's a rule to help you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend. It goes for any girl you go on a date with. The numeric rule is all about managing the booty call. There's a very strict decree for how many times you may hook up with a booty call before it is your duty as a proprietor of a Y chromosome to dump said booty call in the metaphorical Hudson river of people you shall never have sex with again."
"That's... disturbing" Ted said, trying to shake the mental image Barney's little rant had painted. "Why does there even need to be a rule? Can't two people just hook up and have sex? Not everything has to lead to something serious."
"Wow, it seems like I've managed to teach you something after all" Barney said, looking genuinely surprised. "That's Stinson 1 – Mosby 8 million. Booty calls are awesome, in that you can get laid without having to do the whole song and dance bit first. But a booty call can only be called upon so many times before it starts to become something more serious."
"And you think I'm on the verge of becoming serious with Louise?"
"You are standing on the brink, and it is my job as your bro, as your wingman, no as your fellow human being, to pull you back from it."
"Okay, let's hear it" Ted said, giving in.
"The rule goes as follows. Hooking up once is hooking up never, meaning you can hit that and then happily forget about her. Hooking up twice is a coincidence. It happens. Hooking up three times is a tradition, and hooking up four times is a relationship. You, my poor idiotic pal, are only one hookup away from saddling the world with Cheesy Louisey Mosby."
"Come on, that rule is hardly written in stone" Ted objected.
""It's gospel" Barney insisted.
"So what does that mean? If I sleep with her again we're going to be in a relationship? That's not how it works."
"She's going to think she's your girlfriend" Barney informed him. "And you, being the naïve dimwit that you are, will not see the danger lurking. You will think it's great that she's suddenly interested in hooking up all the time, and before you know it one out of two things will have happened. Either you will be all pathetic and happy to see her, meaning your subconscious is telling you that you are in fact in a relationship. Or you will try to run, but realize it's too late and she won't be shaken off that easily. And then Marshall will have to lend you Lily as a stunt girlfriend, which will get this chick off your case, but possibly with the mild side-effect of her inflicting bodily harm and/or theft upon you or Lily first."
"But wait, this four time rule thing, does that refer to having sex four times or on four separate occasions?" Marshall asked.
Barney gave him a look like he was mentally ill.
"Four separate occasions, duh. Otherwise I would have had... seventy-two girlfriends already. And possibly one wife."
"Speaking of wives," Marshall said, jumping on the new topic opening, "how are things with the woman you declare you'll never marry?"
"Why do you ask?" Barney wanted to know.
"Just asking."
"Everything is perfect." Barney insisted, slipping into Gollum/Sméagol mode. "They're bad. Wonderful! I don't know, something seems wrong. Could not be more awesome. Could we please stop talking about me and get back to Ted and his cheese wife?"
"Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?" Ted said, smiling over the fact that Barney had been distracted for the moment.
"And so close to your anniversary!" Marshall said nervously. "Oh no!"
"It has nothing to do with the stupid anniversary" Barney insisted. "And if you'll excuse me, I need scotch." He waved Wendy over and she brought him a new drink. "Look, it's nothing, no big deal. Robin's just... pissed off about something."
"Forgot to TiVo some hockey game for her?" Marshall suggested.
"I think it might be Julia."
"Who the hell's Julia?" Ted asked.
"She's Barney's new assistant, the one who has a crush on him" Marshall explained.
"Oh. Oh she's upset over that alright, I could have told you that" Ted said. "Everyone who was here three days ago could have told you that."
"Look it's really not that big a deal" Barney claimed again. "I've made it clear to Julia that I'm still awaiting a cure for monogamy, but until that happens I'm sticking with the one-woman thing. And last I heard, the Nobel Prize committee were handing out the medical award to some nobody who cured some fatal disease, so the monogamy cure remains undiscovered."
"You told her you aren't going to cheat on Robin with those exact words?" Ted had to ask. "Because it doesn't exactly scream 'I love my girlfriend therefore I embrace monogamy'."
"Nobody embraces monogamy" Barney objected. "It's simply a matter of knowing that if I cheat on Robin she'll dump me, and I don't respond well to that kind of rejection. And Robin knows that I won't stray. I wear special sun screen 15 000 to shield me from the hotness of other females. I've been diagnosed with some annoying eye infliction that makes all women that aren't Robin appear kind of blurry. Captain Awesome no longer docks his rocket at multiple space ships."
"Well maybe Julia here didn't get the Captain Awesome memo?" Ted suggested.
"Actually everybody at work got that memo" Marshall admitted. "And there was a mentioning in the newsletter."
"Yeah," Barney said with a hand-wave, "but in all fairness that was back when Robin first became my girlfriend. Julia wasn't employed yet when that newsletter came out."
"Well maybe you need to make it even more clear to your assistant that you won't be falling for her invites" Ted suggested.
"What else can I try?" Barney asked. "I put a picture up on my desk of Robin and me making out, but that only opened up for more comments on a tricycle."
"Since it didn't work, could you please just take that picture away?" Marshall said, looking a bit disturbed.
"How do you even have a picture of you and Robin making out?" Ted asked. "Wait, don't answer. Please. What's wrong with this Julia person anyway? Any normal person would have backed off by now. Trying to seduce your boss isn't the best idea."
"Spoken like a man without vision" Barney sighed.
"Is it really that hard to figure out?" Marshall had to ask. "She's heard of Barney's manwhore ways and probably thinks he's just playing hard to get."
"Which is something I would never do" Barney said. "That's a move reserved for wimps and women."
"Aww, I think it's almost poetic" Ted grinned. "Your old manwhore ways finally coming back to bite you in the ass."
"Why do you make it sound like that's never happened to me before, both literally and figuratively?" Barney asked.
"Oversharing" Marshall groaned. "Look it up."
"I really don't think this is that big of a deal" Barney said with a dismissive hand wave. "Sooner or later this will all blow over. And if it doesn't then fine, I'll fire Julia and replace her with something ugly. But more likely, Robin will calm down."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that" Ted said. "She's been walking around all day with a cell phone looking suspiciously much like yours."
Barney quickly searched his pockets and with a growl finished his drink. He muttered something the other two couldn't hear and hurried off to find Robin and get his phone back. Ted and Marshall shared an awkward glance once he had left.
"So..." Ted finally said. "Wanna get some shrimp?"
-
I wish I could tell you Barney was right, and that the whole thing would soon blow over. But living with Robin at that time left no room for guessing. She was upset alright, and Barney's method of ignoring it till it would go away wasn't working very well. By the time their anniversary came around, it seemed like everything he said or did was wrong.
-
"Okay, drinks on me" Barney declared, scooting in to the booth next to Robin.
"Why? You think we can't afford our own drunken haze?" Robin snarled.
"Well you all do spend an unreasonable percentage of your salary on alcohol" Barney commented but didn't bite the hook she had placed for him. "No, it's celebration time! Tonight is a very special night, my friends."
"That's so sweet, I knew you'd come around" Marshall said with a goofy grin.
"What?"
"It's okay Barney" Lily said and placed a reassuring hand on his arm. "You are allowed to be excited about your anniversary."
"No I'm not talking about that" Barney said, looking offended at the very suggestion. "No, my blog just reached twice the amount of hits it had a mere six months ago. My legendaryness is spreading across the globe."
"Really?" Robin said dryly. "How gallant of you to commit to it like that."
"I know, right?" Barney grinned, ignoring the tone in her voice.
"So that's how you want to spend your anniversary?" Ted asked. "Seriously? By celebrating your stupid blog?"
"It's not stupid" Barney said, looking a tad hurt. "And why is everyone so fixated with this anniversary thing? If it's not a big deal to Robin and me, then it shouldn't be a big deal to you guys. I wish you would for once stop treating this relationship like it's the best thing that ever happened to you guys. You're all one sad step away from writing sappy fanfiction about us."
"But Barney it is a big deal" Lily insisted. "I mean, if it isn't, why is Robin looking like she wants to kill you right now, since you're spending the evening here with us instead of... doing whatever you guys consider romantic."
"Okay, first of all, just because we're spending the evening here it doesn't mean we won't be getting R-rated when we're alone" Barney said, and started pouring champagne for everyone from the bottle Wendy had brought over. "Second of all I misplaced my Twister so the number of romantic activities we could engage in are pretty slim at the moment. Third, Robin's not upset."
"Yeah she is" Lily scoffed, casting a glance at the thundercloud sitting next to Barney. "She's still a woman, and to women anniversaries mean something."
"I don't care about the stupid anniversary" Robin said and shrugged a shoulder.
"That's the spirit honey, you tell them" Barney said with a proud nod.
"Yeah. It's just a stupid day, just because the calendar happens to show the same date as it did last year when we became a couple it doesn't mean we need to make a big deal about it. It's not like we took any vows to honor that exact day."
"Go tell it on a mountain!" Barney exclaimed.
"Besides, why even bother making a big deal out of a stupid anniversary? Life is just going to be one long string of anniversaries after another, just same old same old, nothing new ever added to the mix."
"Okay the streak is over" Barney declared and gave her a confused look. "If there's one thing life with me around is not going to be it's same old same old."
"Well it's sure never going to be anything else" Robin snapped. "You made that abundantly clear."
"Ted, Marshall, you speak female better than I do" Barney said, turning to his friends. "Could one of you please translate what that's supposed to mean?"
"It means you're a jerk" Ted suggested. "Though I'm not sure why."
"Or 'you can go to hell'" Marshall added with a helpful nod.
"I was afraid something like this was going to happen..." Lily said and leaned back with a sigh. "Here we go."
"Why don't we all just calm down and focus on what's really important here?" Barney suggested and raised his glass. "To my blog!"
"And that's the closest we'll ever get to someone toasting us" Robin said bitterly and jammed her glass into Barney's so hard it almost cracked.
"Moving on" Ted said, annoyed with the bickering that made no real sense to him. "It turns out you were right Barney. I slept with Louise again and now she wants to go to a movie on Friday night."
"See? Stinson is always right" Barney said. "Hell, let's drink to that too."
"So you and Cheesy Louisey, huh?" Marshall said with a grin. Then he made a face. "Man, it's really going to be hard to remember not to call her that when we meet her."
"You're not gonna meet her!" Ted exclaimed. "I said she wanted to go see a movie, I never said I agreed to it."
"Adda boy" Barney said and gave Ted a pat on the shoulder. "Vive la resistance! You're still a dumbass for violating the numeric law, but at least you're making effort not to go all Ted Mosby and get all goo-goo eyed and dream of marrying her."
"We all know how you feel about marriage" Robin dryly said. "Why were people in Medieval times bitching about the plague, when the atrocity of marriage was around to torture them?"
"The numeric law?" Marshall echoed Barney. "I thought it was the numeric rule."
"It got upgraded" Barney said. "It just made more sense as a law, seeing as violating it is sure to result in either a financial penalty or a lifetime in the prison of marriage."
"Yes, how truly awful" Robin bitched.
"Guys, is this about Barney's assistant?" Lily asked. "Because if it is, would you please do us all a huge favor and talk it over like adults?"
"Why would she be an issue?" Robin asked. "I trust Barney not to violate the sanctity of a mere relationship."
"Good, now back to the cheese bride" Barney said, turning his attention back to Ted who was rolling his eyes and groaning. "Now when you told her that you wouldn't go see a movie with her, how did she react?"
"Actually, I kind of said I wanted to go" Ted reluctantly agreed.
"Are you seriously that incompetent? No more champagne for you. I'm not going to celebrate the fact that you've once again proven yourself to be a moron. I would have been an alcoholic years ago if I celebrated all such occasions."
"What? They're showing a Star Wars marathon. How was I supposed to say no to that?"
"Don't you have all the movies on DVD?" Lily asked.
"Yeah but we're talking big screen" Ted said.
"Well you always were one to need the big stuff, big gestures" Robin commented and shot Barney a glance. "Unlike someone I know."
"There is something truly wrong with you" Barney groaned at Ted, not seeming to have noticed Robin's comment. "If it's showing on Friday it will be showing on Saturday too. Go on Saturday and bring Marshall and me with you. Don't go with your crazy stalker, that will just add more fuel to the fire."
"She's not a crazy stalker" Ted objected.
"She's Cheesy Louisey!" Lily retorted, apparently sharing Barney's opinion for once. "And frankly, she's making us all uneasy."
"Nice" Marshall grinned.
"Not to mention the thought of you going to the movies with her makes us all feel a bit queasy" Barney added. "Oh up high!"
"Look, there's nothing wrong with--" Ted began, but was cut off by Barney immediately.
"Do you really want to tell your future kids that you met their mother randomly at a bar, became her booty call and then thanks to George Lucas you had a bunch of little ewoks?"
"For the last time I'm not going to marry her!" Ted exclaimed.
"Well if you ever get the urge, I'm sure Barney can talk you out of it" Robin commented.
"If you're not planning on being in a relationship with her then you shouldn't lead her on like that" Barney said.
"Wow Barney, that's really sensitive of you" Lily said.
"I mean," Barney continued as if he hadn't heard Lily, "no good can come from her thinking you think of yourself as her boyfriend. Trust me on this, I learned my lesson the hard way. I took that bullet so that I could spread the word and keep you, and others like you, from making that same horrible mistake! It's such a pain in the ass to get a restraining order."
"Maybe she's not as big of a psycho as the women you've dated in the past" Ted suggested, getting more annoyed by the second.
"Oh please. Her name's Cheesy Louisey. Does she sound sane to you?"
"You guys made up that nickname!"
"Look, Ted, for once I think Barney's right" Lily said. "This girl obviously has a different view on what your relationship to one another is. You need to make it clear to her that you're only interested in the sex. And if that's not enough for her then she can leave. But I've got to ask, since when were you one to take a booty call?"
"It's like the whole world has gone upside down" Marshall whined. "Barney's committed and Ted's sleeping with a woman without wondering if it can amount to more than just sex."
"Oh don't worry, there's a limit to the amount of commitment" Robin said with another glare at Barney.
"Hey, I'm still searching for the one" Ted said and put his champagne glass down. "But just because I'm still looking it doesn't mean I can't have some no strings attached fun along the way. This girl is not the one for me, but we have fun together."
"But someone's going to get hurt" Lily insisted.
"Just because I'm sleeping with someone I don't want to spend the rest of my life with?"
"Good for you Ted" Robin said. "You can have the same kind of relationship with Cheesy Louisey that Barney and I have."
"Okay, who put quarters into you?" Barney had to ask and gave her an annoyed look. "FYI the Robin jukebox is set on repeat. Play a different song, please."
"Well how's this for a song?" Robin asked and got up. "You're a jerk and you can go to hell. Unhappy anniversary."
With that she stormed off, leaving an uncomfortable silence in her wake. Barney turned to the others with questioning eyes.
"Could someone please tell me what I did wrong?" he asked. "That was clearly not about the anniversary thing. I think."
"You should go talk to her if you ever want to have a second anniversary" Lily said softly..
"It can wait" Barney said and turned his focus back to the champagne. "Right now I want to finish celebrating the wonder that is my blog's big day! And, at least as important, forget about the fact that we are about to lose Mosby to a crazy stalker with a cheese fetish."
-
Robin didn't bother looking up when she heard the door open. She knew who it would be, but she hadn't yet decided whether she was happy that he had come, annoyed that she wasn't alone anymore, or mad that it had taken him over half an hour to follow her upstairs.
"Hey" Barney said and closed the door behind him. "You wouldn't happen to have seen my girlfriend by any chance, would you? She's 29, dark brown hair, kind of hot. I haven't seen her for about a week and I'm really starting to miss her."
"That's not funny, Barney" Robin said and didn't bother hiding the fact that more than a few tears had fallen down her cheeks.
"Who said I was trying to be funny? You're acting like you've had a personality transplant."
"Well you're not" Robin dryly pointed out. "Took you long enough to get up here."
"I'd just paid like $800 for champagne, I wasn't going to let it go to waste. Robin what exactly is this whole thing all about? I thought you didn't want a big anniversary thing any more than I did."
"I don't care about the anniversary."
"Yeah, but you've kept saying you don't care about stuff and then gone all huffy on me when I've believed you. It's confusing as hell. I've consulted the Bro Code, but quite frankly it says nothing about what to do with girlfriends who suddenly changed the official relationship language from English to Insane. This is me we're talking about here so you're going to have to spell it out for me"
"Just forget it, okay?"
"Okay, but if I do then you can't get all mad later on because of whatever the issue is."
She made a face at him and looked down on her hands. He eyed her for a moment and in his mind went through everything she'd said in the past week, trying to figure out what the problem could be. He frowned and shrugged his shoulders.
"Honestly I don't have a clue. All I get is that you're pretending to be upset about one thing instead of telling me what's actually bothering you. How about instead of acting like the no marriage thing bothers you, you tell me what the issue really is."
She shot him a look but didn't say anything.
"Don't tell me this is actually about the marriage thing" he said with disbelief. Still no answer but her silence seemed to say enough. "Robin I thought you and I were on the same page. You don't want to get married either. If you did, you would be Mrs. Ted Mosby now."
"I don't want the pressure of having to get married hanging over my head" she said, finally speaking. "But it bothers me that you absolutely don't want to get married."
"It bothers you that we want the same thing?"
"But we don't! Not really. You never want to get married, ever. I don't want to have my life all mapped out, marriage, Volvo, kids. But I do want--"
"Okay let's get one thing straight here. Me, Volvo, never gonna happen."
"Barney! Look I do want to know that there is the option to get married if I would one day want to. I'm fine with closing the door so long as it's not sealed shut for all eternity. You get it, don't you? I mean, neither one of us wants kids, right? I don't want to say never to marriage, for the same reason you don't want kids yet you haven't had a vasectomy."
"So you don't want to say never to marriage because you refuse to let some dude with a knife anywhere near your penis?"
"I'd like to keep it as an option. I mean, true, dating you is like having a man, a child and a dog all at once, which has an amazing effect on lowering ones needs to have actual kids and dogs. But do we really need to close the door on all that stuff?"
"Why this sudden passion for matrimony? I don't get it. Robin a marriage is just a legal agreement, joined finances and medical proxy. It has nothing to do with love, or commitment."
"Do you not get why people get married?"
"Do you think you need to get married to love each other? People in marriages fall out of love every day. People who aren't married stay in love every day. What's the big upside to suddenly being legally bound to my gay brother and my... slightly promiscuous mom?"
"I've been thinking about it a lot lately" Robin said. "Marriage is a way to signal to the rest of the world that you--"
"If the next words out of your mouth are 'belong together' I am breaking up with you" Barney warned, only half kidding.
"I was going to say 'chose each other'. That you don't see yourself ever leaving."
"You should have a talk with all the married women I've had sex with."
"That's disgusting."
"A marriage license isn't going to keep a person from screwing around" Barney pointed out and shrugged a shoulder.
"No, but it does signal to other people that you've got someone special and you're not on the prowl."
A look of realization came over Barney's face. He walked over and sat down next to Robin on the couch, gently putting his hand on hers.
"Do you think that marrying me is the only way you'll be able to keep me from straying?" he asked gently.
"Of course not! Okay, I don't know... Maybe."
"Thank you for that mental bitch slap" Barney snorted. "So it's as I suspected. This is in fact not about marriage at all. This is about Julia."
"It is about her, but not only about her."
"Robin, look, you want to know why I don't buy into the whole marriage thing?"
"You've told me like a million times; it's because you're against all forms of human slavery."
"I just think it's a huge pile of crap" Barney said. "Getting up in front of some random person, promising the person you're with a whole bunch of stuff you have no business promising them in the first place."
"If you're really that strongly against lasting love then why the hell are we even together in the first place?" Robin asked and angrily got up off the couch.
"You can't promise someone you're going to love them for the rest of your life. Come on, you know I'm right. Things change, people change... Any number of things can happen that can make love end. All you can promise someone is that you love them now, and all you can honestly tell them is what you're feeling at the moment. I love you now, you know that."
"Fat load of good that will do me five years from now" Robin snarled. "He loved me back in 2010. Comforting. So what do you think our expiration date is?"
"I never said we had an expiration date. I love you and that is not going to stop anytime soon" Barney told her. "That, I can promise you. I don't see it ever stopping. And I hope it never does. You know I don't want to get married and you've known that from the very beginning. That doesn't mean I don't... Okay, here's the thing. When I picture myself way, way into the future, like thirty years from now when I'm... 39. And you're 60."
"Watch it" she said but couldn't hide a smile.
"I picture myself waking up in the morning and looking over at you. When Lily and Marshall's poor future kids destroy their lives by getting married, I imagine you being my date to the wedding. And when I'm old and frail and I break my hip during lasertag, I hope you will be the one to push me around in a wheelchair. Which, by the way, would shoot fireballs and have a massage function."
"Okay, you've got me listening."
"I really hope I won't have to lose you, ever. But I can't promise you that I will still be feeling this way twenty years from now. And getting married... If you need me to wear a wedding band in order to feel secure then we've got a big problem. That being said, if you think it can scare off my slightly stalkerish assistant then I'll go get a golden ring and wear it at the office. If not else then just to prove I do want her to know I'm not available."
"It's not just about that" Robin said and sat back down next to him. "I like the idea of perhaps getting married in the future. It's not something I want now, or think I will want before the year 2020, but honestly, I didn't break up with Ted because I never wanted to get married. And if you aren't willing to budge on that issue then... I don't know. All I know is I don't want to have my second serious relationship end on the first anniversary because we have different ideas for the future."
Barney shrugged his shoulders.
"It is just a legal agreement to me" he said. "Getting married won't make me love you more. I thought the knowledge of how I feel about you would be enough."
"It is" Robin said with a smile. "But would it really be so terrible to declare to the world some day that we've made the choice to be together forever?"
"Do we really need wedding rings to do that? I honestly don't get where all of this is coming from all of a sudden."
"Like I said, I don't know that I want to get married. But I know I don't want to give too much of my heart to someone who makes it definite that I'll never marry. What I don't want is for my life to be written in stone. And knowing I'll never get married flashes off just as many written-in-stone warnings as knowing I'm expected to get married. I guess I thought you might be willing to change your mind somewhere down the line."
"Okay I'll make you a deal. If you promise me to stop acting so weird and go back to being the Robin who made me forget my principles about never falling in love, I will be open to the possibility that one day you'll also make me forget my principles about never getting married."
"Deal. If..."
"Yeah, the aforementioned Robin doesn't do the whole 'if' thing."
"If you get rid of that Julia."
"Fine" Barney sighed. "I'll fire her. It's not like I don't have good reason to. Frankly how hard is it to sneak some booze into my coffee in the morning? Sheesh!"
"What an idiot you are" Robin said with a chuckle and kissed him lightly.
"Speaking of idiocy" Barney said and fished around in his pocket. "Here, I got you something. For the whole anniversary debacle."
"You got me something?" Robin said with disbelief.
"Yeah. But if anyone asks, I just did it so that Lily and Marshall would shut the hell up already."
With a smile Robin shook her head and opened the present. For a brief moment she remembered the horror she had felt when she found the ring in the champagne glass on her anniversary with Ted. But it wasn't a ring, it was a necklace with two hearts, one in white gold and one in red gold, intertwined.
"Wow..." she said and held it up. "It's beautiful."
"It's a clichéd nightmare" Barney laughed. "But I thought of you when I saw it, and... and I cursed for about fifteen minutes for having turned into a sap, even if it's only a little bit. I may not get you a wedding ring, Scherbatsky, but I've already given you my heart. Now in jeweled form as well."
He put the necklace on her and smiled as she began to kiss him. Crisis averted, at least for the time being. And even though it didn't matter to him that it was their anniversary, such things always had seemed pointless, he had to admit to himself that he was amazed at how far he had come in only two years.
Robin leaned down on the couch and brought him with her before breaking the kiss with a thoughtful look on her face.
"Now I feel bad" she said.
"You should" he said. "Do you have any idea how not awesome you are when you act like a crazy person? Being the emotionally aware support system really isn't my thing."
"... And 'romantic time' is over" she concluded with a bit of a sigh. "I meant, because I didn't get you anything."
"Oh you did" he told her. "It's under your pillow, and it's sexy as hell."
She began to laugh as she kissed him again.
Kids, as you know, Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin still haven't gotten married. But the point here is, even though I thought Barney would be the last person to ever teach me anything valuable, I have learned something from watching him and Robin. And that is that it's love that ultimately keeps people together. Wedding rings or not.