Dear Viktor,
It's the middle of the night as I write and you're tucked in your bed dreaming of wondrous things I'm sure, and while I could just wait until you awake to talk or even wake you now to do so it would be pointless. Every time I open my mouth to speak it's like I've been struck by lightning, my body goes numb and with it, my words die on my tongue, and so I close my mouth. I must confess the irony that I'm listening to love songs as I write, and as I listen I find myself growing sadder, but alas it's always been that way. People sing of their perfect lovers, their perfect lives, their perfect families and it reminds me all the ways that I am inadequate, that if we were singers instead of skaters you'd never sing a similar ballad about me because you will always deserve better than what I can be.
I struggle to find happiness in being with you. That's what I've been meaning to tell you, and it's not because I don't love you, truly that isn't it. I've loved you from the moment I saw you, but something feels wrong and I don't know how to express that to you in words. Everything was fine until I finally had the nerve to talk to you about us being a couple and you revealed that you honestly thought we already were, and I didn't argue. I just accepted that and we were together because honestly, it was what I'd wanted anyway was to be with you. Now look at us, we don't talk as much and when we do it's "I love you" more than anything else and I know it seems silly to complain about affection, but there is more to life than that. I want to talk about the good and the bad days, I want to talk about the weather and the stars, I want to talk about aliens and the phases of the moon.
And I must confess maybe the cause of my feelings of discomfort in our relationship is the lack of a solid date as to which to base when we became a couple because let it be known that I am the type to obsess over dates. While it may seem silly and insignificant it matters to me to keep track of increments often denounced as silly girl antics like one month anniversary or two or three and so on, because to me each of those months in a mini accomplishment. Another month I haven't become a burden to you, another month you haven't grown tired of me. Another month in which you haven't found someone better deserving of your love. It helps on lonely nights to know how long I've been with you and count those days as some of my best to help chase off the darkness that sometimes overtakes my mind. My dear sweet Viktor I'm trying, I see your disapproving glance as I swallow sleep aid like candy, but whatever this is that weighs over our relationship weighs heavily on my dreams to and I confess I'm weak Viktor, I cannot smile and dance across the ice as if flying above everything in the way that you do. My worries and fears, my anxieties and failures weigh me down. I'm sorry I'm like this Viktor, you deserve the world and it seems all I can give you is grief and weight on your wings.
Yours
Yuri Katsuki