Title: A Choking Gall
Author: alliterator
Spoilers: Up to 1.16 "Betty and Veronica"
Summary: Lianne smokes to forget.
Note: the title comes from Romeo and Juliet, act 1, scene 1:
"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs,
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet."
The smoke burns against her throat, but she doesn't stop. If she stops, she might start wanting to drink again and she can't do that. Veronica won't let her. Every time she thinks about drinking, the image of Veronica's face imploring her, asking her, begging her to say something comes into her mind. It's image that is forever burned into her head.
Just like those other images. The ones… the ones he sent her, with Veronica in bull's-eyes. She has those images in her head and she's had them for a while now.
When she first got them, she locked them up in a safety deposit box and vowed never to take them out. Even if she had burned them, it wouldn't have been enough. They were etched into her mind and every time she thought of Veronica, she thought of those bull's-eyes.
And that's why she was leaving. She couldn't stay at the clinic. She couldn't stay in one place, because then Veronica would be able to visit her and he would know, he was there, he would see, he always saw. And Veronica would be in danger again and Lianne couldn't stand that and so she had to leave.
But the money. Veronica's entire savings. I can give it back, she thinks. I have to give it back, Veronica needs the money for college and I can't deprive her of that. I can't let her throw it all away on her drunken mother.
But she can't do that. Veronica wrote the check, signed the money away, and it disappeared so that Lianne could go to the clinic, so Lianne could get well.
She doesn't understand, Lianne thinks. I can't get well. I'm doing this to myself because it's the only way to get rid of the images. Her images.
Damn Wiedman. Damn him to hell.
But she can't get rid of Veronica's face any more than she could remove her own heart. She wishes she could pluck it out, remove it and throw it away, but she can't.
And so she stays and tried not to think about drinking. She smokes more and her fingertips are stained yellow, but she hasn't touched a drink in two days. Progress. The cigarettes are a momentary distraction, but enough of one that she won't see her face for at least several seconds.
And so the smoke burns against her throat, but she doesn't stop.