Warriors: The Omen That Says Really Bad Shit Will Happen

Part One: The Curse of the Opium Addict

Bumblepaw's day had finally come. After countless months of training, he was ready to receive his warrior name. Bumblepaw had been waiting for this day his entire life, and now it was almost upon him. Bumblepaw stood at the foot of the Great Rock, anxiously waiting for Firestar to call his name. The noble leader of ThunderClan looked down upon Bumblepaw, Blossompaw and Briarpaw and gave a slight nod.

"I, Firestar, leader of ThunderClan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down on these three young apprentices," Firestar began. "They have trained for many moons to understand your noble code and I commend them to you as warriors in their turn." Firestar turned his gaze to the three apprentices.

"Briarpaw, Blossompaw, Bumblepaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and protect and defend this Clan, even at the cost of your lives?" The three apprentices nodded simultaneously, unable to wait any longer.

"Then by the power of StarClan I give you your warrior names. Briarpaw, from this day on you will be known as Briarlight. ThunderClan honors your bravery and quick thinking." He turned to Blossompaw next and the small she-cat puffed out her chest with pride. "Blossompaw, from this day forward you shall be known as Blossomfall. ThunderClan honors your strength and gentleness." As Firestar turned his gaze to Bumblepaw, the tiny apprentice felt like his head would burst from anticipation.

"Bumblepaw, from this day forward you shall be known as Bumbleass. ThunderClan doesn't honor you."

"Wha-what?" Bumbleass squeaked stupidly.

"Now go sit vigil and get off of my rock," the ThunderClan leader grumbled. "I'm too old and important to do these stupid ceremonies.

"But Firestar!" Bumbleass cried, distraught. "Bumbleass isn't a warrior name!"

"It is now," Firestar declared. "I'm sure it would sound very nice to a deaf cat who was mostly dead."

"Oh…well, I guess it's all right if you put it that way…"

"Shut the hell up, Bumbleass, you're not supposed to talk! Now go stay up all night so you can do backbreaking labor in the morning!"

"Yes sir!" Bumbleass mewed, his tiny brain already forgetting that he wasn't supposed to talk. He bounced away to the edge of the camp where Blossomfall and Briarlight were sitting and plopped down next to them. Firestar washed his very pretty face before retiring for the night.

Meanwhile, Dovepaw was being totally awesome.

"Yeah, and then I said 'how dare those beavers try to, like, make their house?'" she bragged to Ivypaw. "And then, I totally blew them all up with my awesome mind powers! I bet you wish you had awesome mind powers too, right? Yeah, it's too bad that you don't. If you did, we could be, like, awesome mind power BFFs! I guess you just suck like that, huh, Ivypaw?"Ivypaw glared at her dumbass sister and rolled over. The other apprentices had gone to sleep long ago, having been bored to sleep by Dovepaw's stories. Dovepaw prodded her sister in the back.

"Huh, Ivypaw? You just suck like that right? Iiiiiiivypaaaaw, Iiiiiiiiivypaaaaw! Earth to Ivypaaaaaaw!"

"Yeah, Dovepaw, I just suck like that," Ivypaw snapped. "Now will you please shut the hell up? I'm trying to sleep here."

"Haha, you admitted that you suck, Ivypaw!" Dovepaw laughed before falling instantly asleep.

Meanwhile in Jayfeather's dream…

"Jaaaaayfeatheeeeeer!" a mysterious voice called. The voice seemed to be coming from all around him, but that wasn't what bothered him the most about this dream. What bothered him the most was that the voice seemed to belong to a certain opium addict that he had never wanted to see again.

"I'm in your dream, Jaaaaaayfeathaaaaar!" Hollyleaf said in an attempt at a spooky voice.

"Piss off, Hollyleaf, I'm trying to sleep!" Jayfeather snapped at his sister as she suddenly appeared in front of him."

"Hey Jayfeather, you know what really sucks about being in the Dark Forest?" Hollyleaf asked.

"What, wandering around alone in a starless forest while demons slowly devour your soul?"

"What? No, not even close."

"What then?"

"There's no frigging opium in this frigging forest! How's a gal supposed to get her fix? I mean, how inconsiderate can these evil demons get?"

"Holy crap of StarClan," Jayfeather sighed. "Will you just shut up and let me sleep already, Hollyleaf?"

"Fine," she growled ominously. "But you'll rue the day when you ever spoke kind of rudely to me, Jayfeathar!" With that, Hollyleaf slowly faded away, leaving Jayfeather all alone to finally sleep in peace. Just as the dark forest around him was starting to fade, Hollyleaf appeared in front of Jayfeather again.

"Oh, one more thing, Jayfeathar. Tigerstar told me to tell you that he's gonna murder Firestar while he's sleeping. Isn't that totally awesome?"

"No, Hollyleaf! That isn't totally awesome! Firestar only has two days left until he retires!"

"Oh shit! Really? Well…sucks for him! See you later, Jayfeathar!" Hollyleaf disappeared again, leaving Jayfeather alone in the Dark Forest once again.

The next morning, Jayfeather woke up early to tell Firestar of Hollyleaf's message.

"Firestar, Firestar!" Jayfeather cried. "Tigerstar's going to kill you while you're sleeping!" Firestar stared at Jayfeather, incredulous.

"How do you know this?"

"Hollyleaf told me. How else would I know?"

"Wait wait wait, hold on…Hollyleaf's dead? Since when was that canon?

"Firestar, she was crushed by hundreds of pounds of rocks and dirt. Of course she's dead. What, you think that she could actually survive something like that?"

"Well…I thought that maybe she could be living underground or something…"

"What? A cat can't survive underground, Firestar!"

"Well, there must be bugs or something she can eat down there…"

"Remind me why you're leader again?"

"Because I'm awesome! And besides, I'm the main character! It was only to be expected that I would become leader, just so I could totally pwn all you n00bs!"

"I hate you so much Firestar. You know what? I hope Tigerstar does kill you in your sleep." Jayfeather turned away and headed back to his den.

Meanwhile in the forest…

"What, your mentor didn't teach you how to cut down trees with your tail?" Lionblaze sneered as Bumbleass slammed his tail against a tree in vain. Tears were flowing freely out of Bumbleass's eyes as the bark cut into the skin of his tail. "That's right, cry little kittypet, cry!" Lionblaze yowled maniacally.

Suddenly, a ghostly black she-cat appeared from behind a tree. She stared at Lionblaze with red-rimmed eyes and the expression on her face was nothing short of insane.

"I'm a ghooooost, Lionblaaaaze!" Hollyleaf said in her best spooky voice.

"Oh no, not again!" Lionblaze wailed. "Even when she's dead, she won't shut up and leave me alone!"

"Lionblaaaze," Hollyleaf moaned spookily.

"What? What do you want from me, woman?"

"Can you do me a favor and kill your family?"

"Yes, yes, I'll do whatever you want, just leave me alone!"

"Oh, and one more thing. You know how I told you that there's no opium in the Dark Forest last week?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I made my own recipe! You just mix the tears of the innocent with the blood of a virgin and inject it into the pad of your foot! It's awesome! I've never been so high!"

"That explains so much, yet so little."

"You're still up for killing your family, right?"

"Yeah, sure. As long as you leave me alone afterwards."

"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" With that, Hollyleaf faded away, leaving Lionblaze alone with Bumbleass, who had passed out from blood loss. Lionblaze shrugged and headed back to the ThunderClan camp to kill his family.

End of Part One