Title: A New Dawn
Author: Era
Type: Stand alone
Summary: Max and Alec meets on the Space Needle a very special morning.
Timeframe: Replaces the last scene in Hello, Goodbye (and I don't really care if the time is incorrect, this is AU anyway).
Disclaimer: Dark Angel and the characters belongs to Cameron/Eglee and Fox.
A/N: My first attempt to write a story without the help from a song.
English is my second language so don't be surprised if you find grammar and/or spelling misstakes.
As always thanks goes to AntipodeanOpaleye for checking my English and encouraging me to write.
Visit NWP to find the best M/A stories by the greatest authors.
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A New Dawn
Alec looked up at the Space Needle, the metal shining slightly in the moonlight. He could see a figure on the edge of the huge disc and he knew it could only be one person. It was so typical they had picked the same spot to come to when they wanted to be alone. Sighing loudly, he made his way towards the entrance. She would have to deal with his presence this time. This morning was too important for him to change his mind just to satisfy her. He made his way into the Needle and proceeded to move up the stairs. The floor was cracked and worn and small clouds of dust billowing up behind him indicated where his feet had hit the ground. The six hundred feet climb to the observation deck and then the slightly more difficult climb to the very top of the roof would have left a regular human panting hard and winded, but Alec wasn't affected.
He stood still for a moment, watching her silently. She was wearing her normal black clothes and, positioned as she was in the darkness, he could tell no human would have any idea she was there. She sat on the edge of the roof, her knees tucked up towards her chest and her arms wrapped around them, holding them closer. If it had been anyone else who'd seen her they would probably thought she was cold, but Alec knew the chill of the wind wasn't affecting her. Her hair was billowing slightly in the wind and if he focused on her he could just make out her barcode above the collar of her jacket.
Alec moved slowly out onto the roof, careful not to scare her. He was a little surprised when she suddenly spoke.
"I know you're there Alec, I saw you get in down there and I can smell you now."
He walked towards her and took a quick look at the surroundings, scanning for any kind of threat before he sat down besides her. The action came as automatically as breathing to him. Since the day he was old enough to understand what people told him he'd been trained to always be on his guard. On missions, and especially back at Manticore, he'd been watched and evaluated constantly, and at the first sign that he lost focus, he'd been dragged away to get it all drilled into him again. Cautiousness was a natural part of him now, and it had saved him more than once. No matter how much it hurt him to admit it, he was actually grateful for that part of his past.
Max glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He hadn't said anything, which was unusual with Alec. His face wasn't locked in his usual smart aleck façade, which made her worried, and he hadn't made a sarcastic comment about the tough girl hugging herself, and that was downright scary. "What's wrong Alec?" she asked concerned.
He shrugged. "Nothing's wrong Max, I just thought you could use a friend after what happened today," his voice held no trace of sarcasm or humor, only sincerity.
Max sat in silence pondering what he'd said. He couldn't know what had happened at Logan's, could he? No, there was no way. But how could he know something happened then? Or was he only guessing? Realizing she wouldn't get anywhere guessing like this she decided to simply ask him. "What do you mean? I mean, what do you know about what happened today or that anything at all happened?" She turned towards him, carefully watching his expression.
"Max, you're good at hiding what you think and feel, I'll give you that. But I spent my whole life being told I couldn't feel emotions and being around others who lived the same life. Since the simple truth was that we had emotions, and still have, we had to learn to control them. Growing up in an environment like that you learn to read people." He saw the surprised look on her face, she probably hadn't realized he could tell what she was feeling most of the time. "I don't know what happened," he admitted "but I do know something did, and I'm guessing it involves Logan, since that's almost the only thing that can get to you like this."
Max didn't answer him right away. She knew he had spent ten more years than her in Manticore, but somehow she'd always thought she was just as good as he was in most areas. After all, she could kick his ass, and she was obviously much smarter since she always had to save his ass from some jam he'd gotten himself into. She wasn't sure how to break this down to him without saying too much or pissing him off, or both at the same time.
Max drew a deep breath and looked out over the dark city. She could see all the way over to Foggle Towers, but it was too far away for her to make out any details. She could tell the lights were out in Logan's apartment, he probably was asleep at, she glanced at her watch, 4.43 am.
Knowing she had to tell him, but not comfortable with doing it, she decided to give him the background first. Then it might be easier to work her way up to the inevitable. "Logan saw you leaving my place this morning."
Alec looked over at her; she was studying his face, waiting for his reaction to her words. So Logan had seen him leaving and drawn his own conclusions, and now there were trouble in paradise. Paradise? He mentally snorted. Some day she would understand she didn't belong with Logan, and the longer she denied the truth the harder the fall would be. "So he saw me leave?" Max nodded. "And I assume he drew all the wrong conclusions?" She nodded again, her eyes dropping from his face to the ground.
Alec sighed, it was all too predictable and yet another reason she shouldn't be with him. Logan had just seen something and acted all out on it, having no idea what really happened. "And things are a little tense now because he didn't believe you when you explained that nothing happened," Alec finished the reasoning, not bothering to put it out as a question, knowing it had to be the way it was.
Max turned her head and looked away from him. She couldn't meet his eyes anymore. "No" she said in a faint voice.
Alec sighed. He knew it.
"That wasn't how it happened," Max continued, her voice dropping even lower.
Alec's head snapped around looking at her in confusion. If he had believed it, then what was the problem?
"I didn't deny it." This time her voice was so low, he wasn't sure he'd heard her right.
"What?" he asked in surprise, he must have heard her wrong. Why would she lie about something like that, it didn't make sense at all?
Max turned her head and saw the puzzled look on his face. "He asked me if we were together and I didn't deny it," she said in a stronger voice.
"Oh-kay," Alec said slowly. "May I ask why?" She'd lost him completely now. Why on earth would she lie to Logan about that, and how did she expect Logan to believe it at all. It was so obvious Max hated him that the idea of them together was almost ridiculous. A relationship could never work if only one half of the pair wanted it.
Max sat in silence, pondering the question. She had to push Logan away, or she would end up killing him. But was that the only reason she'd lied to him, or even the biggest reason? She couldn't tell, but somehow it was nice to be a little more distanced from him. Logan could be so demanding it almost became a burden sometimes, and he always knew how to make her feel guilty, how to push all the right buttons to make her help him. He had changed so much since they first met, or maybe it was her who had changed? This was not something she had any intention of telling Alec, though.
"I had to push him away somehow," she explained. "I can't be around him all the time without killing him sooner or later." She lowered her gaze again. "I thought it would be easier for him to accept it if he thought I was with someone else," she said weakly.
When Alec didn't respond, she slowly looked up at him again and was surprised to find a hurt expression on his face. She'd seen him in just about every mood possible but never before hurt. Something he'd said earlier came back to her. He'd spent his entire life learning to hide his emotions and feelings. Suddenly she wondered if she'd ever seen the real him before, like she did now. His face now held nothing but the truth, the real him. His mask was completely gone, not like it had been broken, but more like he'd never bothered to put it up in the first place. She could tell he was hurt, but she couldn't figure out why.
Alec sighed heavily. "And I had to be the bad guy again?" he asked in a low voice. "I'm tired of being the bad guy in your life Max." He turned his head away, looking out over the city. He should have known she didn't care about him. She hadn't even thought about what he would think about it; she'd just used him like always. And he knew he would let her do it. His life really was twisted.
Max saw him turn his face away and continued to stare at him, speechless. She hadn't had any idea he actually cared what she said. He had always taken the things in stride and stood his ground, no matter how much shit she'd thrown at him. But why was he acting so different now? Why change something that worked so well?
She felt the guilt grow stronger in her. What if he always had felt this way? All the times she'd lashed out at him because she knew he could take it, and it was the easiest way to handle him. "I'm sorry Alec," she said in a low voice. "I didn't know you felt that way."
She didn't know? Of course she didn't, she'd never tired to understand him, get to know him. How could she possibly know how he thought and felt? "Why me, Max? Didn't you know anyone else bad enough to steal someone's girlfriend or is it just that you don't care at all what I want?"
"Look, I said I'm sorry Alec," she snapped back, retreating into 'Angry Max' again. Alec sighed; she always did that when something didn't go her way. "I had to do something, and then he sort of gave me the opportunity…" she trailed off.
"Max, did the fact that everyone in Seattle knows you hate me ever occur to you? At least you could have picked someone you converse with on friendly basis," his voice was tired, resigned. He was so tired of her 'my life is such a mess' sob-story.
Max looked down again, not meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry Alec, I really am," she said again, guilt coloring her voice.. "I don't hate you." She realized he probably had to believe that after the way she always treated him but, if she was honest with herself, she didn't hate him. But it was easier, safer, to treat him like she did.
Alec studied her face, the part of it he could see when she was staring at the ground. This time he believed her, for the first time, she'd told him she was sorry and really meant it. He chose to ignore the 'I don't hate you' comment; he'd heard the opposite enough times to know that it probably was closer to the truth. "It's okay Max, I'll play along as long as you want me to," he sighed. Of course he'd known he would help her all the time, but it was nice to know she at least felt a little guilty for using him this time. Maybe things were getting better between them.
He barely covered a hurt expression on his face when she looked up at him in surprise. She hadn't counted on him helping her he realized, and that really hurt him. She should have known by now that he'd always be there for her.
"Thank you," she said. She had been a little more than surprised when he'd agreed to help her, and immediately felt guilty for her reaction. He always helped her, and her reaction to him was a mere reflex from old times. Maybe that knowledge should have made her realize he actually cared. He had always acted like there was one person in the world that mattered and that was him, the rest could be used or ignored. Actually that wasn't entirely true either; it had been the first time they met, and maybe the second, but he'd changed almost right away. The façade was still there but no matter how much he complained and whined, he was there and helped his friends, and most of all her. The mask he'd put up was perfect, until you got a glimpse of what he hid behind it. Why would he choose to use a mask like that, she wondered. If he could chose to be whoever he wanted to, why couldn't he have picked a personality which was a little easier to get along with?
Alec glanced at his watch, one and a half hours left to sunrise. He laid back on the roof, looking up at the stars. It was unusual to have a clear day, or night, in Seattle, but he was glad the clouds were gone this very night. It always made him feel better if he could watch the sunrise on this morning. He made himself comfortable on the hard roof and closed his eyes. Drawing a deep breath he enjoyed the fresh air, so different from the polluted smog down on the streets. It almost felt as good as it had that day so long ago.
"Shouldn't you go home if you're going to sleep?" Max asked.
He opened his eyes and looked over at her. She was watching him carefully, like she was trying to figure him out. "I'm not going to sleep and I'm not going home," he said simply.
"So why are you here?"
"What is this, twenty questions Maxie?" Alec lashed out. He didn't want anyone to see him the next few hours, so couldn't she just go away?
Max's eyes widened. What was his problem now? She'd just asked a question and he was acting all pissed again. "Oh, I'm sorry I asked a simple question. I guess you mighty Golden Boys don't share your thoughts with us mere mortals."
Alec closed his eyes again and sighed mentally. Now she was hurt somehow, and knowing that made him feel bad. Sure, she deserved to feel bad for what she'd done to him. That, however, didn't change the fact that seeing her in a bad mood made him feel guilty.
As much as he didn't like to tell her, he knew she probably had to know. It would make her feel guilty, and she would have tons of questions to bug him with, but she had to know the consequences of what they had done, at least some of them. "I came here to watch the sunrise," he said silently.
Max scanned his face; his gaze was unfocused, lost somewhere in the distant past. His face held a dreamy expression, like he was about to experience something he'd longed for for a long time.
"The sunrise?" she asked puzzled. "I come here several nights every week and I've never seen you here waiting for the sunrise before."
"This one is special."
"Why?"
Alec sat and locked his eyes with hers, making sure she was paying attention. "Because this morning in 2010 was the first time in sixteen months I saw the sun."
He watched her expression closely, seeing it change from total confusion to a questioning one as she opened her mouth to ask what he meant. Then it all hit her.
Max had no idea what he meant with that. The first time he saw the sun in sixteen months? Why wouldn't he see the sun and what's so special with this date? She was just going to ask him what he meant when realization dawned on her. Sixteen months earlier in 2010 would have made it winter 2009. A sick feeling was starting to spread in her stomach as she quickly did the math, checking the date. "Oh God!" she breathed. This day ten years ago was exactly sixteen months after the day she and her siblings escaped from Manticore.
She saw the look of absolute pain in his eyes as memories from his past resurfaced. Sixteen months? All because of her? She could feel the tears threatening to break through and tried unsuccessfully to hold them back. "Oh God," she sobbed. "What did they do to you?"
Alec wanted so bad to reach out and comfort her but he also knew he wasn't in any shape to do it now. He closed his eyes and tried to push back the memories, the pain and the fear. "You don't want to know Max," he said in a pained voice. "You really don't."
She could tell he didn't want her to know, tried to protect her from it. She wanted to know, wanted to know what she was responsible for. But at the same time she wasn't sure if she could handle the truth. Up until now she hadn't thought much about what had happened to the ones left behind when they escaped, she hadn't even known they were twinned. Jace had only told her about some reindoctrination and special orders if they ever encountered any of the escapees on a mission. This was worse than her worst nightmare, had everyone been treated like Alec?
It took a long time before either of them spoke again. Alec trying his best to forget, to ignore the memories, and Max having the harsh reality crash down on her like an avalanche.
Max wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down. She had to know if everyone had been through the same as Alec after '09. "Was..." she swallowed. "Were all of you treated the same?" Her voice was low, barely audible over the wind.
Alec instinctively focused on a nearby building as his mind was flooded with memories. Keep your head in the game and on what's real, you can't change the past. He cleared his mind before he answered with a calm voice. "No, most X5's got a month or so of reindoctrination and the training frequency was upped a bit. The twins got it worse. They wanted to know if the reason for the escape was a genetic flaw." He focused his eyes on the different windows in the building he was watching, looking for something to distract him. Not finding anything of use he turned to Max instead.
"All the twins got sixteen months of..?" she trailed off, not knowing what had happened and therefore not what to say.
Alec debated whether to respond or not. If he did he would have to explain so much more to her about himself, but if he didn't she would never stop trying to figure out how it was. "No," he said silently. "I got… special treatment, they wanted to be sure."
"Why would they do that to you?" Max wondered.
"I.." Alec hesitated, not exactly sure of how to continue without having Max rolling around on the roof laughing like she probably would have done yesterday if he'd told her something like this. "I had responsibilities," he said slowly.
Max stared at him in disbelief. How could he have had any responsibilities back at Manticore, when he couldn't even take care of himself? Her thoughts came to an immediate stop as she once again found herself judging him from the impression he'd given her when they first met. Subconsciously she had always known she had underestimated him right from the start, but it had been easier to uphold that picture of him. "How do you mean?" she asked carefully.
"Zack was your Commanding Officer right?" he asked, more to get a response from her than actually needing to know. He already knew everything there was to know about all the X5's.
"Yes, he was our CO," Max confirmed.
"Let's just say that the unit CO's weren't the highest ranking X5's."
"What do you mean?" Max questioned.
Alec sighed. He once again remembered that she had left too early to actually know anything about military life. Heck, she hadn't even completed basic training before she left. "Max, every army consists of many different units, every unit has a commanding officer who leads them. The small units together makes up bigger units which also has someone in the lead." He decided to leave it there, if she couldn't figure it out now he wouldn't bother to explain.
Max eyes grew huge as she processed what he'd said. "So you…" he nodded. "Oh.."
Alec decided it was time to lighten the mood a bit. "If you'd stayed around you would have called me 'Sir' sooner or later," he said grinning.
Max glared at him, "Like that would ever happen." Then something else struck her. "But if you were like that back there why.." she left the sentence unfinished, not really knowing how to ask him why he was so irresponsible now.
Alec understood what she meant and also why she didn't want to ask him straight out. "Why don't you do guns anymore Max? It would certainly help you from time to time," he asked.
Max looked at him confused for a moment before she understood what he meant. For her guns were something that reminded her of Manticore, and by avoiding them as much as she could she tried to distance herself from her past. "Oh.."
He could see it in her eyes that she was beginning to understand what he meant. "For the first time in my life I don't have to take responsibility for others. I don't have to live with the knowledge that if someone else screws up, I'm the one who's taking the blame and feeling guilty in the end, since he or she was my responsibility. For the first time I can actually care about myself. It doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about others, like you seem to think," he gave her a strained smile, "but I enjoy being free."
Suddenly Max understood him so much better. All his attitude and carelessness made so much more sense now. It was something he had never had a chance to experience before. The mask he had put on as he left Manticore was the total opposite of his true personality, the responsible leader. It also explained why he always was there for her and for the others, it was only his true nature. Of all the jams she'd bailed him out of it was only one he couldn't easily have made it out from on his own, and that one wasn't his fault either. He couldn't have known about Ben before she told him. She knew he would never, ever fail her or anyone else he cared for, she understood that now. He might whine and complain until her ears fell off but he would always do what was required.
"I'm sorry," Max said again, sincerity in her voice. "For everything," she added.
Alec looked surprised at her. "You're actually apologizing to me?" he asked.
"I have been unjust to you ever since we first met. I know I can't make up for all I've done to you but.." she silenced, not knowing what to say. "I just felt so responsible for everyone and you just didn't seem to care."
"Max, you're not responsible for anyone, you have never been. And that's a part of the problem," Alec said seriously. "You can't make yourself responsible for anyone, either you are put in that position or you're not.
"But it's my fault that they're out here running for their lives now," Max groaned.
"No Max, it's thanks to you that they're out here living their lives in freedom." Alec's voice held so much honesty Max felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. Maybe it wasn't really her fault after all.
Alec could see her slumped shoulders and her back straighten as she took in his words. Maybe she would finally understand now.
They both sat in silence, lost in their thoughts. The sound of Alec's watch announcing a new hour woke him up from his thoughts. He glanced over at Max who sat staring out over the city, eyes focused on nothing.
"Max, you said you come here several times every week but you never told me why," Alec broke the silence.
Max snapped out of her trance, going over possible answers to his question. "At first, I came here because it reminded me of 'The High Place' back at Manticore." She saw the puzzled look on his face and continued her explanation. "It was a corner of the roof where the spotlights didn't reach normally, we used that place in the nights when we wanted to be alone. Me and Jondy used to sit there and watch the stars when we couldn't sleep."
"So you came here because it reminded you of the only good thing from your childhood?" Alec asked and got a small nod as confirmation. "At first…?" he asked.
"Yeah, it all changed with time. Now I come here to forget. If I sit up here long enough staring out at the city below, all the people living out their lives, I can almost imagine I'm one of them, normal. Living a normal life with normal friends and all that."
Alec looked at her stunned. "Why on earth would you like to be a norm?" he asked.
"I.." she stopped, thinking, trying to figure out what to say.
"Do you want to be like her?" Alec asked, pointing to a woman walking a few streets away from the Space Needle. "Constantly looking over your shoulder, watching for robbers or even worse. Going to work at 7 am, knowing that it's your only source of income and that you have to do anything to keep it."
"Well, not exactly like her…" Max started.
"Or would you like to be Sketchy? Who gets into as much trouble as we do but doesn't have the means to get out of it," Alec interrupted.
"Sketchy!?! Max cried out. "Hell no!"
"So what do you want?"
"I.. I don't know," she said weakly. She tried to remember why she wanted to be a normal girl but somehow she couldn't. Quickly she replayed the important moments in her life since she came to Seattle. At first she had been happy with her new friends and her search for her siblings. Sure, that hadn't gone too well but she had still had a good life.
Then she met Logan.
That was when her life had changed completely. She'd had some good moments since then, but most of the time she had been miserable. He had tracked her down after they first met and proceeded to push himself into her life even though she made it perfectly clear from the beginning she wasn't interested. But he had pushed on, and finally she'd accepted it and seen it as inevitable. Destiny had brought them together. Yeah right. It was Logan who had done his best to convince her she was normal, that she should be normal. And she'd fallen for it.
"Maybe it wasn't even really you who wanted you to be normal?" Alec asked when he figured she'd had enough time to think.
Max looked wondering at him. "You got ESP powers or something?" she asked.
Alec laughed at her expression, "Nah, but I know you and I know Logan."
Max thought about it. Maybe it was that easy. She liked being her, she liked the abilities her genes gave her and she wouldn't want to lose them. But at the same time she was hunted and hated, and she could live without that part.
"We are what we are Max," Alec said. "And we can't change that, we shouldn't want to change that."
"It would still be nice if we were unknown again, like I was before Manticore went down. If we could live like ourselves without fear of being killed all the time."
"It sure would Max, and some day we will."
The first rays of sunlight spread over the still dark sky. Alec stood and faced the rising sun, taking in the beautiful sight.
Max slowly moved up to his side, watching him carefully. His eyes were unfocused, like he was there and in the past at the same time. She saw a small tear make it's way down his left cheek and resisted the urge to reach out and wipe it off. She slid her arm around his waist and pulled in close to him, slightly worried that he would pull back from her. Alec instinctively wrapped his arm around her shoulders and together they welcomed a new day to the world. A world that still was the same as yesterday, but at the same time very different.
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A/N 2: I don't have any plans to continue this story, I like the ending. *s*
Author: Era
Type: Stand alone
Summary: Max and Alec meets on the Space Needle a very special morning.
Timeframe: Replaces the last scene in Hello, Goodbye (and I don't really care if the time is incorrect, this is AU anyway).
Disclaimer: Dark Angel and the characters belongs to Cameron/Eglee and Fox.
A/N: My first attempt to write a story without the help from a song.
English is my second language so don't be surprised if you find grammar and/or spelling misstakes.
As always thanks goes to AntipodeanOpaleye for checking my English and encouraging me to write.
Visit NWP to find the best M/A stories by the greatest authors.
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A New Dawn
Alec looked up at the Space Needle, the metal shining slightly in the moonlight. He could see a figure on the edge of the huge disc and he knew it could only be one person. It was so typical they had picked the same spot to come to when they wanted to be alone. Sighing loudly, he made his way towards the entrance. She would have to deal with his presence this time. This morning was too important for him to change his mind just to satisfy her. He made his way into the Needle and proceeded to move up the stairs. The floor was cracked and worn and small clouds of dust billowing up behind him indicated where his feet had hit the ground. The six hundred feet climb to the observation deck and then the slightly more difficult climb to the very top of the roof would have left a regular human panting hard and winded, but Alec wasn't affected.
He stood still for a moment, watching her silently. She was wearing her normal black clothes and, positioned as she was in the darkness, he could tell no human would have any idea she was there. She sat on the edge of the roof, her knees tucked up towards her chest and her arms wrapped around them, holding them closer. If it had been anyone else who'd seen her they would probably thought she was cold, but Alec knew the chill of the wind wasn't affecting her. Her hair was billowing slightly in the wind and if he focused on her he could just make out her barcode above the collar of her jacket.
Alec moved slowly out onto the roof, careful not to scare her. He was a little surprised when she suddenly spoke.
"I know you're there Alec, I saw you get in down there and I can smell you now."
He walked towards her and took a quick look at the surroundings, scanning for any kind of threat before he sat down besides her. The action came as automatically as breathing to him. Since the day he was old enough to understand what people told him he'd been trained to always be on his guard. On missions, and especially back at Manticore, he'd been watched and evaluated constantly, and at the first sign that he lost focus, he'd been dragged away to get it all drilled into him again. Cautiousness was a natural part of him now, and it had saved him more than once. No matter how much it hurt him to admit it, he was actually grateful for that part of his past.
Max glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He hadn't said anything, which was unusual with Alec. His face wasn't locked in his usual smart aleck façade, which made her worried, and he hadn't made a sarcastic comment about the tough girl hugging herself, and that was downright scary. "What's wrong Alec?" she asked concerned.
He shrugged. "Nothing's wrong Max, I just thought you could use a friend after what happened today," his voice held no trace of sarcasm or humor, only sincerity.
Max sat in silence pondering what he'd said. He couldn't know what had happened at Logan's, could he? No, there was no way. But how could he know something happened then? Or was he only guessing? Realizing she wouldn't get anywhere guessing like this she decided to simply ask him. "What do you mean? I mean, what do you know about what happened today or that anything at all happened?" She turned towards him, carefully watching his expression.
"Max, you're good at hiding what you think and feel, I'll give you that. But I spent my whole life being told I couldn't feel emotions and being around others who lived the same life. Since the simple truth was that we had emotions, and still have, we had to learn to control them. Growing up in an environment like that you learn to read people." He saw the surprised look on her face, she probably hadn't realized he could tell what she was feeling most of the time. "I don't know what happened," he admitted "but I do know something did, and I'm guessing it involves Logan, since that's almost the only thing that can get to you like this."
Max didn't answer him right away. She knew he had spent ten more years than her in Manticore, but somehow she'd always thought she was just as good as he was in most areas. After all, she could kick his ass, and she was obviously much smarter since she always had to save his ass from some jam he'd gotten himself into. She wasn't sure how to break this down to him without saying too much or pissing him off, or both at the same time.
Max drew a deep breath and looked out over the dark city. She could see all the way over to Foggle Towers, but it was too far away for her to make out any details. She could tell the lights were out in Logan's apartment, he probably was asleep at, she glanced at her watch, 4.43 am.
Knowing she had to tell him, but not comfortable with doing it, she decided to give him the background first. Then it might be easier to work her way up to the inevitable. "Logan saw you leaving my place this morning."
Alec looked over at her; she was studying his face, waiting for his reaction to her words. So Logan had seen him leaving and drawn his own conclusions, and now there were trouble in paradise. Paradise? He mentally snorted. Some day she would understand she didn't belong with Logan, and the longer she denied the truth the harder the fall would be. "So he saw me leave?" Max nodded. "And I assume he drew all the wrong conclusions?" She nodded again, her eyes dropping from his face to the ground.
Alec sighed, it was all too predictable and yet another reason she shouldn't be with him. Logan had just seen something and acted all out on it, having no idea what really happened. "And things are a little tense now because he didn't believe you when you explained that nothing happened," Alec finished the reasoning, not bothering to put it out as a question, knowing it had to be the way it was.
Max turned her head and looked away from him. She couldn't meet his eyes anymore. "No" she said in a faint voice.
Alec sighed. He knew it.
"That wasn't how it happened," Max continued, her voice dropping even lower.
Alec's head snapped around looking at her in confusion. If he had believed it, then what was the problem?
"I didn't deny it." This time her voice was so low, he wasn't sure he'd heard her right.
"What?" he asked in surprise, he must have heard her wrong. Why would she lie about something like that, it didn't make sense at all?
Max turned her head and saw the puzzled look on his face. "He asked me if we were together and I didn't deny it," she said in a stronger voice.
"Oh-kay," Alec said slowly. "May I ask why?" She'd lost him completely now. Why on earth would she lie to Logan about that, and how did she expect Logan to believe it at all. It was so obvious Max hated him that the idea of them together was almost ridiculous. A relationship could never work if only one half of the pair wanted it.
Max sat in silence, pondering the question. She had to push Logan away, or she would end up killing him. But was that the only reason she'd lied to him, or even the biggest reason? She couldn't tell, but somehow it was nice to be a little more distanced from him. Logan could be so demanding it almost became a burden sometimes, and he always knew how to make her feel guilty, how to push all the right buttons to make her help him. He had changed so much since they first met, or maybe it was her who had changed? This was not something she had any intention of telling Alec, though.
"I had to push him away somehow," she explained. "I can't be around him all the time without killing him sooner or later." She lowered her gaze again. "I thought it would be easier for him to accept it if he thought I was with someone else," she said weakly.
When Alec didn't respond, she slowly looked up at him again and was surprised to find a hurt expression on his face. She'd seen him in just about every mood possible but never before hurt. Something he'd said earlier came back to her. He'd spent his entire life learning to hide his emotions and feelings. Suddenly she wondered if she'd ever seen the real him before, like she did now. His face now held nothing but the truth, the real him. His mask was completely gone, not like it had been broken, but more like he'd never bothered to put it up in the first place. She could tell he was hurt, but she couldn't figure out why.
Alec sighed heavily. "And I had to be the bad guy again?" he asked in a low voice. "I'm tired of being the bad guy in your life Max." He turned his head away, looking out over the city. He should have known she didn't care about him. She hadn't even thought about what he would think about it; she'd just used him like always. And he knew he would let her do it. His life really was twisted.
Max saw him turn his face away and continued to stare at him, speechless. She hadn't had any idea he actually cared what she said. He had always taken the things in stride and stood his ground, no matter how much shit she'd thrown at him. But why was he acting so different now? Why change something that worked so well?
She felt the guilt grow stronger in her. What if he always had felt this way? All the times she'd lashed out at him because she knew he could take it, and it was the easiest way to handle him. "I'm sorry Alec," she said in a low voice. "I didn't know you felt that way."
She didn't know? Of course she didn't, she'd never tired to understand him, get to know him. How could she possibly know how he thought and felt? "Why me, Max? Didn't you know anyone else bad enough to steal someone's girlfriend or is it just that you don't care at all what I want?"
"Look, I said I'm sorry Alec," she snapped back, retreating into 'Angry Max' again. Alec sighed; she always did that when something didn't go her way. "I had to do something, and then he sort of gave me the opportunity…" she trailed off.
"Max, did the fact that everyone in Seattle knows you hate me ever occur to you? At least you could have picked someone you converse with on friendly basis," his voice was tired, resigned. He was so tired of her 'my life is such a mess' sob-story.
Max looked down again, not meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry Alec, I really am," she said again, guilt coloring her voice.. "I don't hate you." She realized he probably had to believe that after the way she always treated him but, if she was honest with herself, she didn't hate him. But it was easier, safer, to treat him like she did.
Alec studied her face, the part of it he could see when she was staring at the ground. This time he believed her, for the first time, she'd told him she was sorry and really meant it. He chose to ignore the 'I don't hate you' comment; he'd heard the opposite enough times to know that it probably was closer to the truth. "It's okay Max, I'll play along as long as you want me to," he sighed. Of course he'd known he would help her all the time, but it was nice to know she at least felt a little guilty for using him this time. Maybe things were getting better between them.
He barely covered a hurt expression on his face when she looked up at him in surprise. She hadn't counted on him helping her he realized, and that really hurt him. She should have known by now that he'd always be there for her.
"Thank you," she said. She had been a little more than surprised when he'd agreed to help her, and immediately felt guilty for her reaction. He always helped her, and her reaction to him was a mere reflex from old times. Maybe that knowledge should have made her realize he actually cared. He had always acted like there was one person in the world that mattered and that was him, the rest could be used or ignored. Actually that wasn't entirely true either; it had been the first time they met, and maybe the second, but he'd changed almost right away. The façade was still there but no matter how much he complained and whined, he was there and helped his friends, and most of all her. The mask he'd put up was perfect, until you got a glimpse of what he hid behind it. Why would he choose to use a mask like that, she wondered. If he could chose to be whoever he wanted to, why couldn't he have picked a personality which was a little easier to get along with?
Alec glanced at his watch, one and a half hours left to sunrise. He laid back on the roof, looking up at the stars. It was unusual to have a clear day, or night, in Seattle, but he was glad the clouds were gone this very night. It always made him feel better if he could watch the sunrise on this morning. He made himself comfortable on the hard roof and closed his eyes. Drawing a deep breath he enjoyed the fresh air, so different from the polluted smog down on the streets. It almost felt as good as it had that day so long ago.
"Shouldn't you go home if you're going to sleep?" Max asked.
He opened his eyes and looked over at her. She was watching him carefully, like she was trying to figure him out. "I'm not going to sleep and I'm not going home," he said simply.
"So why are you here?"
"What is this, twenty questions Maxie?" Alec lashed out. He didn't want anyone to see him the next few hours, so couldn't she just go away?
Max's eyes widened. What was his problem now? She'd just asked a question and he was acting all pissed again. "Oh, I'm sorry I asked a simple question. I guess you mighty Golden Boys don't share your thoughts with us mere mortals."
Alec closed his eyes again and sighed mentally. Now she was hurt somehow, and knowing that made him feel bad. Sure, she deserved to feel bad for what she'd done to him. That, however, didn't change the fact that seeing her in a bad mood made him feel guilty.
As much as he didn't like to tell her, he knew she probably had to know. It would make her feel guilty, and she would have tons of questions to bug him with, but she had to know the consequences of what they had done, at least some of them. "I came here to watch the sunrise," he said silently.
Max scanned his face; his gaze was unfocused, lost somewhere in the distant past. His face held a dreamy expression, like he was about to experience something he'd longed for for a long time.
"The sunrise?" she asked puzzled. "I come here several nights every week and I've never seen you here waiting for the sunrise before."
"This one is special."
"Why?"
Alec sat and locked his eyes with hers, making sure she was paying attention. "Because this morning in 2010 was the first time in sixteen months I saw the sun."
He watched her expression closely, seeing it change from total confusion to a questioning one as she opened her mouth to ask what he meant. Then it all hit her.
Max had no idea what he meant with that. The first time he saw the sun in sixteen months? Why wouldn't he see the sun and what's so special with this date? She was just going to ask him what he meant when realization dawned on her. Sixteen months earlier in 2010 would have made it winter 2009. A sick feeling was starting to spread in her stomach as she quickly did the math, checking the date. "Oh God!" she breathed. This day ten years ago was exactly sixteen months after the day she and her siblings escaped from Manticore.
She saw the look of absolute pain in his eyes as memories from his past resurfaced. Sixteen months? All because of her? She could feel the tears threatening to break through and tried unsuccessfully to hold them back. "Oh God," she sobbed. "What did they do to you?"
Alec wanted so bad to reach out and comfort her but he also knew he wasn't in any shape to do it now. He closed his eyes and tried to push back the memories, the pain and the fear. "You don't want to know Max," he said in a pained voice. "You really don't."
She could tell he didn't want her to know, tried to protect her from it. She wanted to know, wanted to know what she was responsible for. But at the same time she wasn't sure if she could handle the truth. Up until now she hadn't thought much about what had happened to the ones left behind when they escaped, she hadn't even known they were twinned. Jace had only told her about some reindoctrination and special orders if they ever encountered any of the escapees on a mission. This was worse than her worst nightmare, had everyone been treated like Alec?
It took a long time before either of them spoke again. Alec trying his best to forget, to ignore the memories, and Max having the harsh reality crash down on her like an avalanche.
Max wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down. She had to know if everyone had been through the same as Alec after '09. "Was..." she swallowed. "Were all of you treated the same?" Her voice was low, barely audible over the wind.
Alec instinctively focused on a nearby building as his mind was flooded with memories. Keep your head in the game and on what's real, you can't change the past. He cleared his mind before he answered with a calm voice. "No, most X5's got a month or so of reindoctrination and the training frequency was upped a bit. The twins got it worse. They wanted to know if the reason for the escape was a genetic flaw." He focused his eyes on the different windows in the building he was watching, looking for something to distract him. Not finding anything of use he turned to Max instead.
"All the twins got sixteen months of..?" she trailed off, not knowing what had happened and therefore not what to say.
Alec debated whether to respond or not. If he did he would have to explain so much more to her about himself, but if he didn't she would never stop trying to figure out how it was. "No," he said silently. "I got… special treatment, they wanted to be sure."
"Why would they do that to you?" Max wondered.
"I.." Alec hesitated, not exactly sure of how to continue without having Max rolling around on the roof laughing like she probably would have done yesterday if he'd told her something like this. "I had responsibilities," he said slowly.
Max stared at him in disbelief. How could he have had any responsibilities back at Manticore, when he couldn't even take care of himself? Her thoughts came to an immediate stop as she once again found herself judging him from the impression he'd given her when they first met. Subconsciously she had always known she had underestimated him right from the start, but it had been easier to uphold that picture of him. "How do you mean?" she asked carefully.
"Zack was your Commanding Officer right?" he asked, more to get a response from her than actually needing to know. He already knew everything there was to know about all the X5's.
"Yes, he was our CO," Max confirmed.
"Let's just say that the unit CO's weren't the highest ranking X5's."
"What do you mean?" Max questioned.
Alec sighed. He once again remembered that she had left too early to actually know anything about military life. Heck, she hadn't even completed basic training before she left. "Max, every army consists of many different units, every unit has a commanding officer who leads them. The small units together makes up bigger units which also has someone in the lead." He decided to leave it there, if she couldn't figure it out now he wouldn't bother to explain.
Max eyes grew huge as she processed what he'd said. "So you…" he nodded. "Oh.."
Alec decided it was time to lighten the mood a bit. "If you'd stayed around you would have called me 'Sir' sooner or later," he said grinning.
Max glared at him, "Like that would ever happen." Then something else struck her. "But if you were like that back there why.." she left the sentence unfinished, not really knowing how to ask him why he was so irresponsible now.
Alec understood what she meant and also why she didn't want to ask him straight out. "Why don't you do guns anymore Max? It would certainly help you from time to time," he asked.
Max looked at him confused for a moment before she understood what he meant. For her guns were something that reminded her of Manticore, and by avoiding them as much as she could she tried to distance herself from her past. "Oh.."
He could see it in her eyes that she was beginning to understand what he meant. "For the first time in my life I don't have to take responsibility for others. I don't have to live with the knowledge that if someone else screws up, I'm the one who's taking the blame and feeling guilty in the end, since he or she was my responsibility. For the first time I can actually care about myself. It doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about others, like you seem to think," he gave her a strained smile, "but I enjoy being free."
Suddenly Max understood him so much better. All his attitude and carelessness made so much more sense now. It was something he had never had a chance to experience before. The mask he had put on as he left Manticore was the total opposite of his true personality, the responsible leader. It also explained why he always was there for her and for the others, it was only his true nature. Of all the jams she'd bailed him out of it was only one he couldn't easily have made it out from on his own, and that one wasn't his fault either. He couldn't have known about Ben before she told him. She knew he would never, ever fail her or anyone else he cared for, she understood that now. He might whine and complain until her ears fell off but he would always do what was required.
"I'm sorry," Max said again, sincerity in her voice. "For everything," she added.
Alec looked surprised at her. "You're actually apologizing to me?" he asked.
"I have been unjust to you ever since we first met. I know I can't make up for all I've done to you but.." she silenced, not knowing what to say. "I just felt so responsible for everyone and you just didn't seem to care."
"Max, you're not responsible for anyone, you have never been. And that's a part of the problem," Alec said seriously. "You can't make yourself responsible for anyone, either you are put in that position or you're not.
"But it's my fault that they're out here running for their lives now," Max groaned.
"No Max, it's thanks to you that they're out here living their lives in freedom." Alec's voice held so much honesty Max felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. Maybe it wasn't really her fault after all.
Alec could see her slumped shoulders and her back straighten as she took in his words. Maybe she would finally understand now.
They both sat in silence, lost in their thoughts. The sound of Alec's watch announcing a new hour woke him up from his thoughts. He glanced over at Max who sat staring out over the city, eyes focused on nothing.
"Max, you said you come here several times every week but you never told me why," Alec broke the silence.
Max snapped out of her trance, going over possible answers to his question. "At first, I came here because it reminded me of 'The High Place' back at Manticore." She saw the puzzled look on his face and continued her explanation. "It was a corner of the roof where the spotlights didn't reach normally, we used that place in the nights when we wanted to be alone. Me and Jondy used to sit there and watch the stars when we couldn't sleep."
"So you came here because it reminded you of the only good thing from your childhood?" Alec asked and got a small nod as confirmation. "At first…?" he asked.
"Yeah, it all changed with time. Now I come here to forget. If I sit up here long enough staring out at the city below, all the people living out their lives, I can almost imagine I'm one of them, normal. Living a normal life with normal friends and all that."
Alec looked at her stunned. "Why on earth would you like to be a norm?" he asked.
"I.." she stopped, thinking, trying to figure out what to say.
"Do you want to be like her?" Alec asked, pointing to a woman walking a few streets away from the Space Needle. "Constantly looking over your shoulder, watching for robbers or even worse. Going to work at 7 am, knowing that it's your only source of income and that you have to do anything to keep it."
"Well, not exactly like her…" Max started.
"Or would you like to be Sketchy? Who gets into as much trouble as we do but doesn't have the means to get out of it," Alec interrupted.
"Sketchy!?! Max cried out. "Hell no!"
"So what do you want?"
"I.. I don't know," she said weakly. She tried to remember why she wanted to be a normal girl but somehow she couldn't. Quickly she replayed the important moments in her life since she came to Seattle. At first she had been happy with her new friends and her search for her siblings. Sure, that hadn't gone too well but she had still had a good life.
Then she met Logan.
That was when her life had changed completely. She'd had some good moments since then, but most of the time she had been miserable. He had tracked her down after they first met and proceeded to push himself into her life even though she made it perfectly clear from the beginning she wasn't interested. But he had pushed on, and finally she'd accepted it and seen it as inevitable. Destiny had brought them together. Yeah right. It was Logan who had done his best to convince her she was normal, that she should be normal. And she'd fallen for it.
"Maybe it wasn't even really you who wanted you to be normal?" Alec asked when he figured she'd had enough time to think.
Max looked wondering at him. "You got ESP powers or something?" she asked.
Alec laughed at her expression, "Nah, but I know you and I know Logan."
Max thought about it. Maybe it was that easy. She liked being her, she liked the abilities her genes gave her and she wouldn't want to lose them. But at the same time she was hunted and hated, and she could live without that part.
"We are what we are Max," Alec said. "And we can't change that, we shouldn't want to change that."
"It would still be nice if we were unknown again, like I was before Manticore went down. If we could live like ourselves without fear of being killed all the time."
"It sure would Max, and some day we will."
The first rays of sunlight spread over the still dark sky. Alec stood and faced the rising sun, taking in the beautiful sight.
Max slowly moved up to his side, watching him carefully. His eyes were unfocused, like he was there and in the past at the same time. She saw a small tear make it's way down his left cheek and resisted the urge to reach out and wipe it off. She slid her arm around his waist and pulled in close to him, slightly worried that he would pull back from her. Alec instinctively wrapped his arm around her shoulders and together they welcomed a new day to the world. A world that still was the same as yesterday, but at the same time very different.
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A/N 2: I don't have any plans to continue this story, I like the ending. *s*