"Ugh!" I inwardly scream at myself. Why is this so hard? It should be simple; its only one question. Peeta or Gale? Gale or Peeta?
It's supposed to be easy. But it's anything and everything else.
I should be filled with joy right now. But I'm not.
Snow's dead. Poisoned they say, a taste of his own medicine in my eyes. I'm free now, free from all the lies and pretending and heartbreak. But I'm not.
The games live on as does the Capitol much to my dismay. But the fabricated love of me and Peeta – If I can even call it that now – Is over. New President Heavensbee saw to that, now the whole country hates us, well more me but I'm okay with that, thrilled in fact. Never again will I have to step foot inside the Capitol and never again will my lies brainwash Panem. And yet here I am faced with this decision that either way is hurting someone I care deeply about.
Gale or Peeta? Peeta or Gale? The question still ringing in my mind. I have to decide, today, it's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. As I say it should be easy, it should be simple, but it's not.
Laughter travels through my bedroom door letting me know that Prim has returned from school. A moment later sees her standing in front of me, and for the first time ever I don't see that scared little 12 year old girl that she used to be. Now I see a strong and wise beyond her years, 14 year old before me, she doesn't need me to protect her anymore however much I want to. I'm not her mother it dawns on me, she's my sister and she can help me just as much as I help her.
"Prim do you think you can love two people equally?" I blurt out. By the look on her face I can see I've surprised her with my question just as much as I've surprised myself; never have I opened up to her like this before.
She quickly regains herself as she answers with a sigh. "Yes Katniss… I do think it's possible to love two people equally," I'm about to nod when she continues. "But I don't think it's possible to be in love with two people, being in love its special, it only comes once…" she smiles a little to herself. And I'm about to question her until I hear a sound, a sound that terrifies me as much as the cannons did in the arena, maybe even more.
It's a siren. The mines. There's been an accident at the mines. And Gales down there.
I don't even think about it before my feet are sprinting out the door, I can hear Prim calling my name but it soon fades of into the distance as all I can hear is the blood pounding in my ears, my heart feels like it's going to explode with the speed I am going and yet it doesn't seem as if I am fast enough. The town passes through my vision and I know I'm drawing nearer as the normally still dust is now circling the air threatening to choke me at any point; if this is how I feel I can't even begin to imagine what it's like down there.
The crowds have started to form now and I can hear the wails of young infants, the shrieks of worry emitting from every direction. I can't think, can't breathe all I can do is focus on the entry of the mines. Peacekeepers seem to be everywhere and yet nothing seems to be happening. And then I hear the whines and creaks of the mine lifts hauling up the first survivors of the terror, one by one men pile out coughing and spluttering, I retreat into myself a little more each time as I see each one is not the face I wish to see the most.
Through the thick crowds I can hear my name being called and I see Hazelle along with Posy Hawthorne emerge in front of my eyes; she looks at me with a fear in her eyes far too familiar to me, it is the fear I saw in my mother's eyes the day my father lost his life, the fear I saw in Prims as I walked up to my probable death, the fear in Rue's as she called out frantically for me to save her, it is the fear I feel running my entire being now. I cannot stifle the tears beginning to pool in my eyes any longer as I shake my head, her entire façade crumbles and a sob escapes her.
"He'll be alright," I say for my benefit just as much as hers. Because he has to be doesn't he, he needs to be. I can't even begin to imagine my life without Gale, my hunting partner, best friend and confidant. If he wasn't here anymore I don't know what I'd do.
Hazelle wipes away her tears and nods at me. "Yes of course he will, he's strong." I give her a quick nod and turn back to the entrance. We stand in silence.
The next cartful is hauled up and I almost faint when I see not all the men coming out are unharmed, some even dead. A shriek pierces through me like a knife and is followed by the uncontrollable sobbing of a pregnant lady who stands over a body. Nobody offers her any comfort; they just stand there praying that their own loved ones won't have had the fate hers did. As if its mocking us the skies open up and let it pour, mixing fake tears with our real ones sliding down our bereaved faces.
Almost 5 hours later I stand soaked to my skin, a storm still raging in the sky, unmoving. Only three families are left now; a young girl consoling her distraught mother over the unknown state of her husband, a mother surrounded by 3 young kids, all the light gone from her eyes. And then there's me and the Hawthorne's, Rory and Vick having joined us not so long ago. It's eerily close to how I stood 7 years ago, except this time it's not my father, it's Gale.
A bored looking peacekeeper saunters over to me. "Miss, you'll have to move now, anyone else down there will be dead by now," I should cry, I really should but I can't because right now all I can feel is anger.
"When you go down there yourself and tell me everyone's dead, I'll believe you. Right now I'm staying here," I don't bother to look at him. He turns his attention to the Hawthorne's.
"I am sorry for your loss, but you really need to go," Hazelle sighs, defeated. I don't know how she can keep up the pretence, she's just been told Gale's dead and yet she's shown next to no emotion. But when I look at Posy's restless; tear streaked face, Vicks sullen look and Rory's clenched jaw I know what she's doing. She's being strong for them even though she wants to scream bloody murder, and I know it's what I should do too. But as Rory ushers me from the spot I've claimed for the last 5 hours, I crack. I land a mess on the ground, sobbing, screaming for what seems like eternity because what's the point anymore, Gales dead and there's nothing I can do. This is all I have.
And then the whine comes, the mine lift is hauled up once more, and slowly ever so slowly do I stand and turn around. My breath catches in my throat as three men emerge from the thick haze. My eyes lock on his just as the cries of joy release around me. Hazelle flings herself at him as does, Posy, Vick and Rory. I stand rooted in my spot, feeling foolish now, I shouldn't be here. I turn to go when Hazelle whispers something in his ear, he nods and is then released.
Every step he takes towards me is too far away and I'm running now, closing the distance between as I cling onto him as if my life depends on it. I'm sobbing into his shirt now as he enfolds me in his arms.
"Don't do that to me again Hawthorne," I stutter out.
"Why, Everdeen?" I look up to his eyes now, there still guarded and suddenly I'm so sure, more sure of anything in my life right now as say.
"Because I love you." His face breaks into the biggest grin I've ever seen and I lean up on my tiptoes to draw his mouth to mine. Fire courses through me and it's as if were the only two people on this earth. He pulls away but our foreheads bump together.
"I know," the smile on his face stretching into oblivion as he reminds me of the line I once said. I roll my eyes and laugh, knowing finally that my choice was never that hard.
Not really.