Reflections of the Damned - A Neon Genesis Evangelion songfic
=====
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I do not own Evangelion nor any concepts related to Evangelion. All rights, permissions, and characters are reserved and owned by Gainax.
=====
WHEN THE DARK WOOD FELL BEFORE ME,
AND ALL THE PATHS WERE OVERGROWN
WHEN THE PRIESTS OF PRIDE SAY THERE IS NO OTHER WAY
I TILLED THE SORROWS OF STONE
As violently as it had begun, it ended. Third Impact had ended. Shinji Ikari awoke, dressed in the very same clothes he had worn inside Unit-01. Surrounding him was something that could be truly dubbed a living hell.
I cannot live like this!!
You cannot experience pleasure without pain... There is no other way...
The sea, the immediate sky, and the waves that lapped up onto the shore, were a vivid, blood-red. The MP Evas stood stock-still like petrified stone statues, in an attitude of crucifixion.
And bobbing in the middle of that calm sea of LCL was the giant head of Lilith-Rei, an enigmatic, half-smile as she stared up at the stars. Only a mirage?
As he looked at the stars above, and the sand below, his thoughts turned to the strange, contorted moments in the eye of the storm. A flash of auburn-red hair caught his eye. It was... No... It couldn't... Asuka...
All at once, all the stress, the emotion, the hatred, and all of the apathy he had felt all those months before at the hands of the fiery red-head surged up like a retching wave of bile.
"No! No! I won't! I won't get hurt again!!!"
Straddling the prone form of the Second Child, Shinji Ikari's fingers gripped her neck and started to throttle and choke...
=====
I DID NOT BELIEVE BECAUSE I COULD NOT SEE
THOUGH YOU CAME TO ME IN THE NIGHT
WHEN THE DAWN SEEMED FOREVER LOST
YOU SHOWED ME YOUR LOVE IN THE LIGHT OF THE STARS
The Lance of Longinus... The pain... the pain...
My eyes...
"I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"
"I'll kill you!! I'll kill you all!!"
Asuka's last thoughts suddenly sloshed around and fell away from the darkness of the void...
"If you want me... All you have to do is be nice to me..."
"Shinji?"
Then, there was a brilliant glare, and she suddenly felt two small hands wrapped around her neck... Throttling her. Despite the inherent pain and anger that came as she realized that Shinji was trying to choke her, a small well of pride started to bubble up.
"Perhaps he grew a spine after all..."
Almost out of instinct, she barely managed to reach a hand up to the struggling youth above her. The slight caress suddenly broke the spell of the moment. Shinji's eyes suddenly snapped out of their daze as if out of a dream...
Looking for a long, indeterminate moment at the bandaged Asuka, he suddenly fell forward and sobbed uncontrollably. Asuka's gentle gaze suddenly switched to the one of the old, as her disgust began to register from the crying boy on top of her.
"I think I'm gonna be sick..."
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
Shoving the crying boy off her chest, Asuka got up, wincing in pain and puzzling over the bandages, which had suddenly and inexplicably appeared on where she had been hit by the MP Evas.
Looking out over the lapping waves of water intermingled with LCL; she wondered if this truly what was left of Earth. Shinji was still sobbing, still trembling from emotional exhaustion and possible relief.
Shinji was suddenly interrupted when a question issued from the female Eva pilot. "Shinji, where is everybody?"
Shinji barely managed to get himself under control as he fought to give a response. Breathing erratically, he wiped away the last of his tears and looked at the same endless ocean of red.
Gasping for breath, he managed to blurt out one sentence.
"They're right in front of you..." Asuka stared at the sea of LCL, the impact of his words suddenly piercing her psyche as effectively as one of the MP Eva's lances.
"You mean..."
"They're all gone... Every single one... Misato, Ibuki, Aoba, Hyuga, Hikari, Touji, Kensuke, Rei, Father, Futyuski, all of them... they're all gone... What's left of them is washing over your feet even now..." His voice faded away as he noticed a silvery glint shining from a cracked wooden post. Wandering over, he stared at Misato's silver cross nailed to the post...
"How did that get there?"
A silent, gloomy smile spread over the boy's face as he remembered his quirky, purple-haired guardian... Taking the cross off the nail, he slung the small amulet over his neck and closed his eyes, remembering all the precious times and memories he'd experienced with his friends and acquaintances.
Asuka continued to gaze at the sea, and the rapidly fading sun as it gave way to the onslaught of night.
=====
THEN THE MOUNTAIN ROSE BEFORE ME
BY THE DEEP WELL OF DESIRE
FROM THE FOUNTAIN OF FORGIVENESS
BEYOND THE ICE AND THE FIRE
The two still sat there on the desolate beach, half-wondering if they were truly alive, and if this wasn't just a twisted version of hell created by their own minds. In front of them still bobbed the huge decapitated head of Lilith-Rei, still floating, and still staring at the stars above, wearing that ever-present half-smile that Shinji had ached to see only a few meager months before.
Asuka broke the silence. "Why... why am I the only other person here... Shinji?"
Shinji didn't dare to look at the surprisingly-quiet redhead. Muttering to himself about what a great potential fool he was, he then managed to edge in a reply. "I... I... I'm not so sure why..."
Asuka snorted in slight contempt. "There's got to be a better reason than that, baka... Tell me... Why? And don't hide anything... There's nothing left to hide in this god-forsaken place."
Shinji managed to swallow down the bile that was rapidly rising to his throat before he made his response. "I... It... It's because I... I love you..."
Asuka suddenly started, almost jumping to her feet. "Wh-what!?"
Shinji gulped again, and then pressed on. "I... I really do... But I didn't... I... I didn't have the nerve to say it... I was always afraid that you would just shout at me and push me away if I said what I felt... I was too afraid of having my feelings betrayed..." As he said those words, a familiar, ranting mantra repeated itself inside his head... One that he had continually muttered in the storm of Third Impact.
Betrayed... You betrayed my feelings...
Shinji sighed, then continued. "I... I had a choice to refuse or accept the concept of Instrumentality... Whether we would all live in a paradise created out of self-deception, or to live in a reality with a happiness that was hard to attain, but one that was real. I refused to take the self- deception... But at the same time, I wouldn't live in reality with anyone but you..."
"Me?"
"Yes, you... I don't know why, perhaps its because of your great self- confidence, or how you just lived so well... But I admired you for it, ever since we first met on that super carrier..."
The two were silent for a long time, just staring at the lapping waves for what seemed to be an eternity. Then, Asuka quietly spoke.
"Shinji... there's something we need to talk about... I had this really weird dream. I. I was lying in bed, unable to move. And you were. Was that for real?"
Shinji's face fell as she started to describe the relating events, and he then turned away without a word. He managed to squeak out one single sentence.
"I. I don't know what to say. I could say 'gomen', but that probably wouldn't help. You must really hate me for having done that, don't you?"
Asuka shook her head, which rather startled Shinji. "No, I don't. I really can't find myself angry with you for having done that, even though I tried to. I guess I was just too tired, but I really couldn't. I guess I could understand why you did that, even through all that hell with the JSSDF. I guess I really shouldn't have pushed you away right after that battle with the 15th."
Shinji merely nodded mutely, and then continued to stare at the giant head of Lilith, still hardly able to believe what he was hearing. Asuka. Being sympathetic? Understanding? The mere thought of it would probably have made him laugh had he not been in this depressing situation.
The sun was now almost gone, the stars slowly starting to gain dominance in the sky.
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
The waves continued their rhythmic lullaby as the LCL lapped against the feet of the only two remainders of the human race. The red water was now a dark, purplish-black as the sun finally disappeared, leaving the stark- white head of the dead Lilith the only thing clearly visible besides the glittering starlight in the carpet of night sky. Shinji closed his eyes once more in a silent remembrance of all those who had now left them the only reminders of humanity's existence on Earth.
=====
THOUGH WE SHARE THIS HUMBLE PATH, ALONE
HOW FRAGILE IS THE HEART
OH GIVE THESE CLAY FEET WINGS TO FLY
TO TOUCH THE FACE OF THE STARS
Shinji turned to Asuka, who was still staring at the stars glittering like diamonds in the sky. "We'd better find somewhere to spend the night. We can't possibly stay here the whole evening..."
Asuka snapped out of her stupor as she heard Shinji's voice. Nodding, she got to her feet with a bit of assistance from Shinji and started to walk along the sand.
Shinji suddenly spoke. "Asuka, let me ask something... We're the only people left on this entire planet. I'm not sure if everybody is able to come back, let alone if it's even remotely possible for one other person to make it. So let me ask you... could you please stay?"
Asuka turned to see a pleading, half-hoping look on Shinji's face, the stars glittering in his dark-blue eyes. Asuka thought for a moment
We're all alone... No one else... What is there left? Oh the heck with it, I don't want to be alone either...
Turning back to face Shinji's anxious eyes, she gave a small smile. "Yes... I will." Shinji, for the first time in a long time, smiled out of pure joy.
The two continued to walk along the mostly-silent sands of the beach as the stars continued to shimmer overhead.
Millions of miles above, Unit-01 continued its solitary trek to the heavens and beyond, holding the legacy and the promise of humanity vested within.
=====
BREATHE LIFE INTO THIS FEEBLE HEART
LIFT THIS MORTAL VEIL OF FEAR
TAKE THESE CRUMBLED HOPES, ETCHED WITH TEARS
WE'LL RISE ABOVE THESE EARTHLY CARES
Shinji looked at the silent ruins left behind in the wake of Third Impact, still wondering at the silence and stasis-like atmosphere that had taken hold of humanity's former abode. Shinji turned to Asuka and muttered something into her ear.
Asuka stopped, and then slowly grinned. "Thank you too, baka..."
Shinji blushed, which was rather hard to see in the darkness, and smiled back. The two stopped to look at the stars and moon, which were still brilliantly glimmering overhead. There was something that his mom, or someone else had said to him... What was it?
"As long as the sun, moon, and stars continue to exist, hope will always survive"... Or something like that. He didn't exactly remember... It was only a whirl of emotion to him now.
Asuka then whispered. "Shinji... Do you think we... I mean, humanity in general still has a hope left with only us?"
Shinji continued to look at the stars above. "I... I really think so. Mother thought so..."
Asuka had a questioning glance in her eyes, and was about to ask him what he meant when she saw the look in his eyes. Simply nodding, they walked on.
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
The two had reached a cliff overlooking the shoreline. As the two stopped to take one final look at what comprised their memories, dreams, friends, and previous lives in the past, they gripped eachother's hands, as they looked into the endless dark of the night, and the stars glimmering above. A gentle breeze started to blow, seeming to echo with the voices of old friends, acquaintances, and events. While Shinji and Asuka turned away into the dark, it seemed as if a ghostly, blue-haired figure was watching them. As the two disappeared into the endless shadow of night, the figure smiled...
FIN
=====
Writer's Notes: The lyrics are from a song entitled "Dante's Prayer", by Loreena McKennitt, one that I thought seemed particularly fitting for the theme of Evangelion's end. I hope that I didn't sully the legacy of Evangelion, and that I actually was able to do justice to the tradition of the Eva fanfics. I truly have never watched any of the Evangelion episodes, nor the movies, but I felt a connection to the emotions and inner demons that each and every one of Eva's characters faced. I know that this fanfic is no match for all the greats that I have read over the last year, but I made my attempt, and as a famous Caesar once put it, "The die is cast". Song lyrics are copywritten to Loreena McKennitt, no plagiarism please. As stated before, all things Eva are property of Gainax and Project Eva.
"May hope never die."
All comments can be submitted at portalboy@yahoo.com.
=====
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I do not own Evangelion nor any concepts related to Evangelion. All rights, permissions, and characters are reserved and owned by Gainax.
=====
WHEN THE DARK WOOD FELL BEFORE ME,
AND ALL THE PATHS WERE OVERGROWN
WHEN THE PRIESTS OF PRIDE SAY THERE IS NO OTHER WAY
I TILLED THE SORROWS OF STONE
As violently as it had begun, it ended. Third Impact had ended. Shinji Ikari awoke, dressed in the very same clothes he had worn inside Unit-01. Surrounding him was something that could be truly dubbed a living hell.
I cannot live like this!!
You cannot experience pleasure without pain... There is no other way...
The sea, the immediate sky, and the waves that lapped up onto the shore, were a vivid, blood-red. The MP Evas stood stock-still like petrified stone statues, in an attitude of crucifixion.
And bobbing in the middle of that calm sea of LCL was the giant head of Lilith-Rei, an enigmatic, half-smile as she stared up at the stars. Only a mirage?
As he looked at the stars above, and the sand below, his thoughts turned to the strange, contorted moments in the eye of the storm. A flash of auburn-red hair caught his eye. It was... No... It couldn't... Asuka...
All at once, all the stress, the emotion, the hatred, and all of the apathy he had felt all those months before at the hands of the fiery red-head surged up like a retching wave of bile.
"No! No! I won't! I won't get hurt again!!!"
Straddling the prone form of the Second Child, Shinji Ikari's fingers gripped her neck and started to throttle and choke...
=====
I DID NOT BELIEVE BECAUSE I COULD NOT SEE
THOUGH YOU CAME TO ME IN THE NIGHT
WHEN THE DAWN SEEMED FOREVER LOST
YOU SHOWED ME YOUR LOVE IN THE LIGHT OF THE STARS
The Lance of Longinus... The pain... the pain...
My eyes...
"I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"
"I'll kill you!! I'll kill you all!!"
Asuka's last thoughts suddenly sloshed around and fell away from the darkness of the void...
"If you want me... All you have to do is be nice to me..."
"Shinji?"
Then, there was a brilliant glare, and she suddenly felt two small hands wrapped around her neck... Throttling her. Despite the inherent pain and anger that came as she realized that Shinji was trying to choke her, a small well of pride started to bubble up.
"Perhaps he grew a spine after all..."
Almost out of instinct, she barely managed to reach a hand up to the struggling youth above her. The slight caress suddenly broke the spell of the moment. Shinji's eyes suddenly snapped out of their daze as if out of a dream...
Looking for a long, indeterminate moment at the bandaged Asuka, he suddenly fell forward and sobbed uncontrollably. Asuka's gentle gaze suddenly switched to the one of the old, as her disgust began to register from the crying boy on top of her.
"I think I'm gonna be sick..."
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
Shoving the crying boy off her chest, Asuka got up, wincing in pain and puzzling over the bandages, which had suddenly and inexplicably appeared on where she had been hit by the MP Evas.
Looking out over the lapping waves of water intermingled with LCL; she wondered if this truly what was left of Earth. Shinji was still sobbing, still trembling from emotional exhaustion and possible relief.
Shinji was suddenly interrupted when a question issued from the female Eva pilot. "Shinji, where is everybody?"
Shinji barely managed to get himself under control as he fought to give a response. Breathing erratically, he wiped away the last of his tears and looked at the same endless ocean of red.
Gasping for breath, he managed to blurt out one sentence.
"They're right in front of you..." Asuka stared at the sea of LCL, the impact of his words suddenly piercing her psyche as effectively as one of the MP Eva's lances.
"You mean..."
"They're all gone... Every single one... Misato, Ibuki, Aoba, Hyuga, Hikari, Touji, Kensuke, Rei, Father, Futyuski, all of them... they're all gone... What's left of them is washing over your feet even now..." His voice faded away as he noticed a silvery glint shining from a cracked wooden post. Wandering over, he stared at Misato's silver cross nailed to the post...
"How did that get there?"
A silent, gloomy smile spread over the boy's face as he remembered his quirky, purple-haired guardian... Taking the cross off the nail, he slung the small amulet over his neck and closed his eyes, remembering all the precious times and memories he'd experienced with his friends and acquaintances.
Asuka continued to gaze at the sea, and the rapidly fading sun as it gave way to the onslaught of night.
=====
THEN THE MOUNTAIN ROSE BEFORE ME
BY THE DEEP WELL OF DESIRE
FROM THE FOUNTAIN OF FORGIVENESS
BEYOND THE ICE AND THE FIRE
The two still sat there on the desolate beach, half-wondering if they were truly alive, and if this wasn't just a twisted version of hell created by their own minds. In front of them still bobbed the huge decapitated head of Lilith-Rei, still floating, and still staring at the stars above, wearing that ever-present half-smile that Shinji had ached to see only a few meager months before.
Asuka broke the silence. "Why... why am I the only other person here... Shinji?"
Shinji didn't dare to look at the surprisingly-quiet redhead. Muttering to himself about what a great potential fool he was, he then managed to edge in a reply. "I... I... I'm not so sure why..."
Asuka snorted in slight contempt. "There's got to be a better reason than that, baka... Tell me... Why? And don't hide anything... There's nothing left to hide in this god-forsaken place."
Shinji managed to swallow down the bile that was rapidly rising to his throat before he made his response. "I... It... It's because I... I love you..."
Asuka suddenly started, almost jumping to her feet. "Wh-what!?"
Shinji gulped again, and then pressed on. "I... I really do... But I didn't... I... I didn't have the nerve to say it... I was always afraid that you would just shout at me and push me away if I said what I felt... I was too afraid of having my feelings betrayed..." As he said those words, a familiar, ranting mantra repeated itself inside his head... One that he had continually muttered in the storm of Third Impact.
Betrayed... You betrayed my feelings...
Shinji sighed, then continued. "I... I had a choice to refuse or accept the concept of Instrumentality... Whether we would all live in a paradise created out of self-deception, or to live in a reality with a happiness that was hard to attain, but one that was real. I refused to take the self- deception... But at the same time, I wouldn't live in reality with anyone but you..."
"Me?"
"Yes, you... I don't know why, perhaps its because of your great self- confidence, or how you just lived so well... But I admired you for it, ever since we first met on that super carrier..."
The two were silent for a long time, just staring at the lapping waves for what seemed to be an eternity. Then, Asuka quietly spoke.
"Shinji... there's something we need to talk about... I had this really weird dream. I. I was lying in bed, unable to move. And you were. Was that for real?"
Shinji's face fell as she started to describe the relating events, and he then turned away without a word. He managed to squeak out one single sentence.
"I. I don't know what to say. I could say 'gomen', but that probably wouldn't help. You must really hate me for having done that, don't you?"
Asuka shook her head, which rather startled Shinji. "No, I don't. I really can't find myself angry with you for having done that, even though I tried to. I guess I was just too tired, but I really couldn't. I guess I could understand why you did that, even through all that hell with the JSSDF. I guess I really shouldn't have pushed you away right after that battle with the 15th."
Shinji merely nodded mutely, and then continued to stare at the giant head of Lilith, still hardly able to believe what he was hearing. Asuka. Being sympathetic? Understanding? The mere thought of it would probably have made him laugh had he not been in this depressing situation.
The sun was now almost gone, the stars slowly starting to gain dominance in the sky.
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
The waves continued their rhythmic lullaby as the LCL lapped against the feet of the only two remainders of the human race. The red water was now a dark, purplish-black as the sun finally disappeared, leaving the stark- white head of the dead Lilith the only thing clearly visible besides the glittering starlight in the carpet of night sky. Shinji closed his eyes once more in a silent remembrance of all those who had now left them the only reminders of humanity's existence on Earth.
=====
THOUGH WE SHARE THIS HUMBLE PATH, ALONE
HOW FRAGILE IS THE HEART
OH GIVE THESE CLAY FEET WINGS TO FLY
TO TOUCH THE FACE OF THE STARS
Shinji turned to Asuka, who was still staring at the stars glittering like diamonds in the sky. "We'd better find somewhere to spend the night. We can't possibly stay here the whole evening..."
Asuka snapped out of her stupor as she heard Shinji's voice. Nodding, she got to her feet with a bit of assistance from Shinji and started to walk along the sand.
Shinji suddenly spoke. "Asuka, let me ask something... We're the only people left on this entire planet. I'm not sure if everybody is able to come back, let alone if it's even remotely possible for one other person to make it. So let me ask you... could you please stay?"
Asuka turned to see a pleading, half-hoping look on Shinji's face, the stars glittering in his dark-blue eyes. Asuka thought for a moment
We're all alone... No one else... What is there left? Oh the heck with it, I don't want to be alone either...
Turning back to face Shinji's anxious eyes, she gave a small smile. "Yes... I will." Shinji, for the first time in a long time, smiled out of pure joy.
The two continued to walk along the mostly-silent sands of the beach as the stars continued to shimmer overhead.
Millions of miles above, Unit-01 continued its solitary trek to the heavens and beyond, holding the legacy and the promise of humanity vested within.
=====
BREATHE LIFE INTO THIS FEEBLE HEART
LIFT THIS MORTAL VEIL OF FEAR
TAKE THESE CRUMBLED HOPES, ETCHED WITH TEARS
WE'LL RISE ABOVE THESE EARTHLY CARES
Shinji looked at the silent ruins left behind in the wake of Third Impact, still wondering at the silence and stasis-like atmosphere that had taken hold of humanity's former abode. Shinji turned to Asuka and muttered something into her ear.
Asuka stopped, and then slowly grinned. "Thank you too, baka..."
Shinji blushed, which was rather hard to see in the darkness, and smiled back. The two stopped to look at the stars and moon, which were still brilliantly glimmering overhead. There was something that his mom, or someone else had said to him... What was it?
"As long as the sun, moon, and stars continue to exist, hope will always survive"... Or something like that. He didn't exactly remember... It was only a whirl of emotion to him now.
Asuka then whispered. "Shinji... Do you think we... I mean, humanity in general still has a hope left with only us?"
Shinji continued to look at the stars above. "I... I really think so. Mother thought so..."
Asuka had a questioning glance in her eyes, and was about to ask him what he meant when she saw the look in his eyes. Simply nodding, they walked on.
=====
CAST YOUR EYES ON THE OCEAN
CAST YOUR SOUL TO THE SEA
WHEN THE DARK NIGHT SEEMS ENDLESS
PLEASE REMEMBER ME
PLEASE REMEMBER ME...
The two had reached a cliff overlooking the shoreline. As the two stopped to take one final look at what comprised their memories, dreams, friends, and previous lives in the past, they gripped eachother's hands, as they looked into the endless dark of the night, and the stars glimmering above. A gentle breeze started to blow, seeming to echo with the voices of old friends, acquaintances, and events. While Shinji and Asuka turned away into the dark, it seemed as if a ghostly, blue-haired figure was watching them. As the two disappeared into the endless shadow of night, the figure smiled...
FIN
=====
Writer's Notes: The lyrics are from a song entitled "Dante's Prayer", by Loreena McKennitt, one that I thought seemed particularly fitting for the theme of Evangelion's end. I hope that I didn't sully the legacy of Evangelion, and that I actually was able to do justice to the tradition of the Eva fanfics. I truly have never watched any of the Evangelion episodes, nor the movies, but I felt a connection to the emotions and inner demons that each and every one of Eva's characters faced. I know that this fanfic is no match for all the greats that I have read over the last year, but I made my attempt, and as a famous Caesar once put it, "The die is cast". Song lyrics are copywritten to Loreena McKennitt, no plagiarism please. As stated before, all things Eva are property of Gainax and Project Eva.
"May hope never die."
All comments can be submitted at portalboy@yahoo.com.