Author's Note:
I'm not much of a writer, I prefer drawing lol. But I thought this song could make a great story.
Orange : Confessions
I've always liked her. As long as I've known her.
To tell everyone the truth, even when I was dating other girls I still had feelings for her. I would check out all her new pictures on social media the minute she posted. I'd ask mutual friends to invite her to parties I was going to. Every time I mentioned her in a group of people, I always made sure her name wasn't the first one I'd say, so no one got suspicious. Anytime she started talking to men, even if I was dating someone and had sworn my heart, I still despised them. It was almost funny how life kept us apart, it seemed like whenever she was single, I was seeing someone and vice versa.
It was only during a lull of both of our dating lives I confessed. I was 3 months out a month long relationship that I had ended. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 8 months the day before. She was sitting in the classroom, long after her fellow students left and she'd finished cleaning the space. The sun was setting and turned the room a bright orange with crisp shadows. She looked beautiful in the back seat by the window, and if It was any other day I might've caught a photo of her.
When I opened the door, she only turned her head to look at me for a moment before resting her chin on her palm and staring at the sky again. I softly closed the door behind me, and no words were shared as I walked up to her desk and took a seat in front of her, turning the chair around so I was facing her with the desk as our table.
This wasn't uncommon, us chatting. We were friends, we hung out with each other in groups, sat together at lunch a handful of times. She's met my parents, I haven't met her family but I know all their names. We've even flirted a few times. Quick texts, a wink out the door, but the messages and conversations never went anywhere. We'd never been single at the same time.
I stared at her while she looked out the window, eyes half closed, staring at the sky looking for something. It was beyond me, like she was reading a book in a foreign language. What're you looking for Rin? What's up in the sky that's not here, right now?
I broke the silence, "You dyed your hair?"
A pause, "Yeah. I always do stupid things when I'm emotional. At least I didn't cut it all off." more than I expected her to say.
It's true, every time she has a traumatic breakup she does something crazy. I think it's so she can regain her sense of self. Back in middle school after her very first breakup, she stopped wearing black and started putting on makeup and wearing sweet pink pastels and yellows. At a birthday party a few weeks after, someone close to Rin told us she made the dramatic change because her ex always made fun of girls that did themselves up, and wore lip-gloss and rubbed their heels dry with bad shoes. they said she wanted to be everything he didn't like, but I think there's more to it than that.
"It looks nice! You're a great blonde, it's pretty much the same color as mine now!" I laughed, pulling at a lock of my own blonde hair. It was long for a boy, I always pulled it back in a ponytail.
she smiled, and turned towards me, "Yeah you're right, I never met someone with natural blonde hair as bright as yours,"
I nodded, pulling a few stray bangs behind my ear.
she turned away and gave me some sort of look out of the corner of her eye. I raised my eyebrows at her, and she giggled before saying, "pale but warm like a peeled banana."
"What!?"
We laughed, pretty loudly, but she quickly caught herself having fun. The guilt of her breaking her now ex-boyfriend's heart overwhelmed her and she stopped abruptly, and stared down at the desk, gripping her book bag tightly like it was the only thing that was real.
I know this feeling so well, the emptiness. When you've used your relationship to escape reality, and then lost it. That feeling of doom, as all of reality comes back at once. You just have to keep getting up, combing your hair, eating your favorite cereals, missing turn in dates for your school work, and playing video games, every day. Pretending like these things weren't better with your partner around.
I've been on both sides of the question, and I know inside and out you can't just ask about someone's relationship and/or breakup, especially right after it happened. it's their business. Even so, knowing that is the respectful thing to do, i can't keep my mind from wandering to all sorts of conclusions. Was it sudden? We're they cheering "I love you!"s 2 days ago and then she just dropped it all? Was there a slow build, and they knew it was coming? Did they fight and realize there we're things they did that the other just couldn't deal with?
The real question, that I already knew the answer too, is do I need to know?
"...Len?" she called my name, still staring down at her book bag. It took me out of my trance. She wasn't about to cry, but she was nowhere near standing up either.
"Rin." I answered, so softly.
"This sort of thing," a short pause, "It never gets easier, but..." tightening her fists, "I don't feel lonely."
I said nothing. That was more than enough of an explanation for me, and we both knew that. The orange was starting to fade to only the corner of the sky where the sun was. Leaving a peachy pink behind on the clouds, like cotton candy right off the spinner.
She started again, with something we'd only ever fleetingly and jokingly addressed, in the only way I never wanted to hear it.
"Len, I'm glad we never dated."
It stunned me, but I can't say I didn't expect it. Ending relationships makes you evaluate what you've lost and had all along. We've always had each other, the shoulder to cry on but never really needed. Even still, my intentions that day were to tell her about my romantic feelings towards her.
"... Is that so?" I chose my words carefully, knowing this would cause a reaction. She wanted me to say 'me too', but I wasn't about to let her slide a comment like that easy, and she knew it. She took a minute, carefully thinking of her words too.
Seeing her thinking made me love her even more. I want to pamper her with gifts and long talks about nothing. Run my hands through her new blonde hair, zip up the backs of her dresses, and kiss her neck from behind.
"Well," Looking at me as she spoke, "I've lost everyone I ever developed feelings for, the connection ends and nothing changes. I guess I just haven't had the chance to be with you, so in a way I can never lose you." , With this, you could say she confessed first, the everlasting feelings we may or may not have harbored for one another. I knew what I needed to tell her remind her.
"But aren't you so glad you get to love?" Is something I learned over my many years of love, false love, and friendships. They don't make sayings for no reason, and 'to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all' can be said many different ways.
"I thought so, but right now I'm not so sure." She looked out the window again, only for a second before gathering her things, and standing up on legs that are all her own, she doesn't belong to anyone. I had to confess, my forever feelings for this single person.
"Rin?"
"Yes Len? Stand up I'll walk you home, we can talk as we go." She said, holding her book bag and walking away from the desk. I grabbed her arm. she gasped and turned around quickly. as she turned I let my palm slide down her forearm to her own hand. it wasn't soft, it was firm. Callused fingertips spilled her secret hobby for guitar. though I already knew about it. Her nails weren't bitten, but always trimmed short and never colored, but today they were a pale pink, so subtle you'd almost never notice, must've gone hand in hand with the hair change.
"I've always had deep feelings for you, Rin." I said, with more confidence than I could ever had these years before, when I coached myself on confessing over and over, and never ever pulling through. Throwing my notes in the trash and erasing my texts before I sent them.
She paused (im not sure if it was out of shock or because she was thinking), then nodded, and turned her hand so she could grip tighter on my own. She looked me in the eyes, and it was almost like I was staring at my reflection. Our hair was the same length, our eyes the same blue.
She walked me home that evening, hand in hand. We talked briefly about the paths, and the same concrete we've been walking on for years, good days and bad days and it's still the same. When we reached my house, about 6 blocks from her place, we faced each other. She gave me a smile so happy you would never think about the pain behind it. Squeezed my hands, and told me to have a good night before letting go and heading on her own.
That night I set my bag on my desk and immediately started on my homework. I had to get my mind off of her. I couldn't worry about what wasn't mine. When it comes to dating, I've plucked so many beautiful flowers and let them wither till someone else cared more. But with Rin, she's no rose from a green house. She's the sunflower, the one sunflower in a whole field, that you take the photo of. She's fleeting, and a dreamer, and stands taller than the crowd. You wouldn't dare break her stalk because she isn't done blooming.
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. What subject was I working on? I don't think I even knew at the time. Tears barely clung to my water line, I pulled out my ponytail and let my hair fall freely against my shoulders. I knew what those nods and gestures and sweet words meant. I knew she was struggling with a breakup. I knew I shouldn't have pulled on her heart strings so soon, but I knew, I just fucking knew, there was no way I could've stopped myself.
Yet here I am, I've done what I've anticipated for years, but I'm alone in my bedroom, crying over her again. With only one thought on my mind.
She never answered me?