Myself: What was it all like? What was it like to live as a god, man?
Zeus: You know, after a while, it all becomes mute. Don't get me wrong, being King of the Gods is great. But after all the warfare (seen more than my fair share) and the family matters (don't even get me started on those) it kind of wains on you. Oh and all the sex. The sex I've had could become a topic I could spend a great deal of time talking about. But who wants to hear about that? I mean the people I've fucked, the list just goes on and on. I've done every position, every act imaginable and explored every region of the body (and I mean EVERY region) to the point of exhaustion. Just to spice things up I'd even take the form of something else every now and then. What can I say, I was just kinky that way. If you could have seen the look on Leda's face when I showed up as a swan in her bed, priceless. Or that time with Danae, this one I'm proud of. Her husband locked her up in a basement thinking I can't get to her there. Yes, the King of the Gods can't get past a deadbolt, foolproof. So I take the form of golden rain and rain down my loving on her from the ceiling (I am a wily one).
My sexual conquests go on but even they had their downside, kids. I blame myself for that one. In my younger days I was unaware of the, ah, repercussions of my exploits. Suddenly, nine months later, out of nowhere I'm the father of forty-two (That's not even counting the divine hook-ups). There's more, wouldn't you know it almost every kid came attached with a prophecy. Had it up to my head with prophecy. You'd get one's saying how they'd overthrow their father (That would be me). What did I do to deserve that? I'd make the occasional appearance every now and then, give em a divine gift or two. Granted, granted, I wasn't really there for them growing up. I'd only really have an excuse to talk to them when there was some heroic deed to be done or monster to be slain. Maybe it's that thing people always talk about nowadays, karma. I had my share of 'daddy issues' too. However I'd like to think I was a better dad to those kids then mine was to me, for example I never tried to eat any of them.(point for me). And yes, I may have in a sense 'overthrown' my father and usurped his throne making myself King under the Heavens but that's all in the past.
I was young, it was a different time back then. When your father was an evil son of a bitch you usurped him. Usurping was the thing to do when you were the son of a tyrant and when your a kid every dad is like tyrant, am I right? Okay, so I was a bit of a rebel but it was weird if you didn't at one point in time try to usurp you father back in the day. Popular opinion of me was that I acted like a bit of a tyrant, Hesiod didn't help with that one. Writes this poem (If you can even call it that) about how I plagued humanity after Prometheus gave them fire. I had an image to uphold, and he just didn't give them a little bit of fire, no no, Prometheus gives them so much people were burning things left, right, and centre. You know how much rain I had to produce just to put out all the forest fires? Caused a flood, guess who they blamed for that one. My wife at the time wasn't much help either. She went on and on about how I wasn't tough enough on them, I should assert my authority more, there was also some mention about the how little or no balls I had (when she knew perfectly well otherwise). When you have external stimuli and pressures to live up to, you can come across as a bit of bastard.
I never wanted to be that way though, but once you usurp a throne in a bloodied confrontation people start to only see you as the tough guy, the righteous bastard. I mentioned my wife, excuse me Ex-wife, Hera. She was no help when it came to preserving my image. She was a gold digger, had this idea of how her life was going to be and went to great efforts to keep it like that. Part of which was clamping the old ball and chain around yours truly. It took me centuries, aeons even, to finally see just how nasty she really was. If the constant womanizing wasn't enough of a hint for her, it was just that I wasn't into her anymore. But you didn't divorce, not when your the King of the Gods, you suffered silently until all of existence comes to an end. I don't know when the spark faded from our marriage, just one day I looked over at her and the sister I married just wasn't there anymore (Okay, don't judge, it was a different time).
A lot of things changed when I left Hera, or maybe things had started to change before then. For one people started to pay hardly any attention to me, to all the gods really. Less and less was being written on us, we became the subjects of antiquity rather than reality. People were started to turn less to us for answers and more to our theological neighbours (One in particular, who shall not be named, it really went to his head when people started to notice him). It was then that I had an epiphany, I didn't have to pretend anymore. All my mortal kids were now grown up and either immortal or dead so they didn't really need a father like me anymore. My brothers and sisters took the whole lapse in worship badly, I didn't even see Hades for a good thousand years. Hera kept trying to maintain the image of the perfect marriage finally, I just said screw it. She did not take it well. She trashed the place and threw me out of the house (I never really liked her style of decor anyways). That was about, lets see, two or three hundred years back. I heard she's gained weight (lots). So, I'm on my own at this point in the story. I roomed with Poseidon for a while, turns out the ocean wasn't big enough for the two of us (brothers, go figure). That lead me to my wandering phase. I walked the world, saw how it had changed from a different perspective (it had). With no place else to really go, no responsibilities or real authority I find myself here. In this small dingy pub, a beer in hand talking to you. I let my beard grow, tied my hair back (contrary to popular belief the beard is a new thing for me). I sport large oval sunglasses and a beret, ripped jeans and various band shirts nowadays instead of a robe. I still wear sandals. I'd like to think I've discovered a whole new outlook on life.
I was too focused on the image, I mean I'm Zeus, but did I really know who Zeus was? People had this whole idea of me, this image built up of this great and grand deity. Gave me more names than I care to remember. Have you ever seen that colossal statue they built of me in the Parthenon? Let me ask you, if someone built one of those of you, trying telling me your ego wouldn't inflate by gargantuan proportions. So I want to take some now, and tell you about me. If you'd like to take the time, pull up a chair, and get a drink or two (get me one to while your at it). We're gonna talk about the real me, not Zeus Xenios, not Zeus Dikephoros, not even about Zeus Panhellenos. I'm gonna talking about me, Zeus. Just Zeus.
Myself: Should I be writing this all down?
Zeus: There may be a quiz afterwards.
Myself: Seriously?
Zeus: Not in the least. *takes a drink*
Myself: So your Zeus. The God of thunder, King of Olympus.
Zeus: Haven't you been listening to anything I just said?
Myself: yeah, but do forgive my scepticism. Not often you come into a pub and meet a major mythological figure, well actually sometime you do but it's normally just one of the usual drunks going on a bit of rant.
Zeus: How shall I prove it you then?
Myself: I dunno, do you feel you have to prove it?
Zeus: I don't really feel like it's necessary. If you asked me to show you that I was in fact a god back when I was younger, I would have charred your blasphemous arse with a snap of my fingers. No, you ask me if I'm a god, I say I am. Just as you don't need me to ask you to prove your a human, you just are what you are.
Myself: I find it's always the fake ones who have to prove everything to you anyways. The more real you are, the less you have to show for it.
Zeus: My point exactly. *takes another chug* Besides, I didn't bring my thunderbolts with me tonight.
Myself: Too bad. So, what do you want to talk about next?
Zeus: *takes another sip* Might as well start at the beginning. Anything in particular come to mind my young seeker of knowledge?
Myself: You mentioned your dad, sounds like there's a lot of angst there.
Zeus: *pauses* Alright, dad. Father, Daddy, Sir, Papa all words that cannot be attributed to my father. His name was Kronos, I said earlier that he was not the world's greatest dad by a long shot (and he wasn't). Though he did lay the foundations for what I was to become like as a father (not a very good one). My mother's name is Rhea, she was a Titan like her husband. They was one of the first immortal races to inhabit this planet back when it was just a swirling ball of chaotic whatnot. I loved my mother, no matter how brief my time was with her as a child. See, Kronos was a very controlling individual. Back when the universe was still sorting itself out Kronos gets this idea that he's gonna put himself on top of it all. So he, get this, castrates his own father Uranus. Just lops off his boys *makes a slicing motion with his hand*, clean off. With Uranus ball-less, Kronos takes the throne.
When it came time for him to get his begetting on, he chose my mother. Not that there was much choice, Uranus fathered the Titans, Cyclopes, and the Hecatonchires and out of the three mom was the most eligible (that is to say she wasn't a one-eyed, hundred armed giant). But yes, my mother was beautiful. She had this smile, it made you feel loved whenever she looked at you. I miss that most of all, but more on that in a moment. I never understand this next part, Kronos was obsessed with his power, he had it and hoarded it to the point of madness. So why he wanted kids, kids who would eventually grow up and 'take over the family business' of ruling the world is beyond me. I have five other siblings, Hera *shutters*, Poseidon, Hades, Demeter, and Hestia. After each was born you know what my dad did?
Myself: Do tell.
Zeus: He did what any loving parent would do and ate them. Right on the spot, and why my mother didn't catch on to this after the first few births/meals is also a mystery. I was the last of my siblings to be born, this time around though Mom had a plan. She gave birth to me in secret on Crete, Mt. Ida to be exact. She then, get this (this proves just how sane dear old dad was at this point), wraps a stone up in cloth and gives it to Kronos. What does he do? He eats it, he eats the rock.
Myself: Not very bright was he?
Zeus: I know right *laughs*, but I have to thankful for his lack of brains. It's because he fell for what would be oldest trick in the book I managed to have a pretty sweet childhood. Mom left me in the care of a nymph named Adamenthea. Have you ever met a nymph?
Myself: Probably not the kind your thinking of.
Zeus: They live very natural, I mean, I don't think she ever once put on a shirt her whole life. If you were to show her a pair of pants, she'd probably wear em on her head like a tiara. So I was very exposed to the female, or quasi-female, body from a very young age. Adamenthea was very open too, she didn't sugar-coat anything. So here I was living a quiet life with my nudist foster parent, mum would visit whenever she could get away from dad. I spent most of my days watching Adamenthea do, well, just about anything (They just kept bouncing and bouncing). So I was never shy around the female body, which may account for my actions later on in life, though I digress. While Adamenthea would have me believe her boobs were the centre of the universe, they were in fact not. There were bigger things at play.
One day, mum comes up to me. She puts me on her lap and tells me that it's up to me to usurp my bastard father and reclaim my rightful position as king of all the heavens. Sounds like a walk in the park right? I've never met the man and here I was suppose to overthrow him. It never dawned on me to ask why? Why me? Was it just because I was the only one spared from his egotistical binge eating? Whatever the reason, I loved my mother, and so I accepted this task. Dad became public enemy number one. I hated him, he hated me, and that's all there was to tell me about him. Would it have made a difference if I made an attempt to talk to him? I still ask myself that, maybe there was another way to solve this family dispute. I'll never know now. *Looks thoughtfully into his empty glass*
Anyways, the day finally arrived when I was to meet Kronos head on. I was brought before him with my mother, he had no clue who I was let alone what mum had planned for him. I remember seeing him for the first time thinking how pitiful he looked. A tired ruler, exhausted from worrying, eyes full of paranoia. I was given a rock, I gave the rock to Kronos (guess what he did with the rock). After swallowing, yet, another rock he turned over and threw up. He heaved up the rocks, my siblings and then a goat (Your guess as to where the goat came from is as good as mine).
There's a great deal of bloodshed after this point, war ensues between us gods and the titans. My victory over my father greatly inflated my ego, I could do anything, I was invincible. My brothers and sisters were the new generation and we didn't see the need for the old one anymore.
Myself: What happened to your father afterwards?
Zeus: I imprisoned him, locked him away in Tartarus, along with the other titans. Gone for good.
Myself: Ever thought of visiting him?
Zeus: Why? What reason would I have to see that guy?
Myself: I don't know, it sounds like you have some unresolved issues with your dad.
Zeus: I don't have daddy issues.
Myself: Me thinks, thou doth pertest too much.
Zeus: Be that as it may, your the one who brought up my dad. I've said my piece on that.
Myself: Okay, okay. So what about your mom? What happened with her after that?
Zeus: Mum was, well, never the same after that. She rarely came up to Olympus. I'd go see her, she'd always welcome me but there was a sadness behind her smile. I never noticed it till now really, but even though she raised me to overthrow my father, her husband. I think somewhere deep down she did really love him. Crazy right?
Myself: Love can be crazy sometimes.
Zeus: But why him? I mean, what good did he ever do for her?
Myself: He did give her you.
Zeus: Right, right. Then he just wanted to gorge himself on me out of love right?
Myself: Hey man, I'm just saying.
Zeus: This subject is really bumming me out. I'm gonna get myself another pint, you want something?
Myself: Sounds like your trying to dodge the issue.
Zeus: What issue? My dad was a bastard, I'm one for kicking his arse off the thrown. End of story. I need more booze.
Myself: So you do feel some guilt over it.
Zeus: No. Yes. I don't know. Listen it's a whole crazy state of affairs when it comes to me and my dad. He was my only father figure, you know? How was I suppose to know how to act as one if mine was never around or only knew how to keep his kids away? I don't know if talking about it with him would make things any more clear but I do know what If I'm gonna keep spilling my guts to you like this I'm gonna need some more beer. *Walks to the bar, orders two more pints and returns to the table*. Right so, What next?
Myself: Your done talking about your dad?
Zeus: Give me some more time, I might just come back to that subject. Anyways, I think I know what I want to talk about next.
Myself: do tell.
Zeus: My siblings.
Myself: Okay, what about them?
Zeus: Right. So after they had been barfed up we immediately headed off to war. Though we had never met before let alone knew each other by name we all had a common enemy and banded together to fight it. However once the dust settled and bodies cleaned up we were left with only ourselves and a whole cosmos to rule over (real family bonding stuff).