Welcome Home, Shortstack

A/N: A tale of petty revenge involving smidgeons of parental!Riza/Ed, a glittery and insulting welcome home sign, and an exasperated Lieutenant.

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"Sir." Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye took a good long look at the highlighter pink sign her superior officer was covering with bundles of glitter. "What… is that?"

Colonel Roy Mustang glanced up from his task, brushing dark hair out of his eyes. He grinned. "This? This is revenge!"

Lieutenant Jean Havoc peered over Hawkeye's shoulder, cigarette dangling off his bottom lip as usual. "Revenge for what, Sir? Or for who?"

Roy's face darkened. "Fullmetal called me old before he left. This is my response."

Breda wandered over. "With a glittery pink sign?" He asked dubiously.

"It's very colorful." Fuery added. Falman nodded in agreement.

Roy grinned. "Look at what it says, though!"

"'Welcome Home, Shortstack'?" Riza read.

Roy nodded, rubbing his hands together and grinning maniacally. "He'll be so mad! It's brilliant! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA—!" He broke off, coughing. "Ahem. Well, let's go to the train station!"

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"Aw, shit." Edward Elric, aka, the 'Fullmetal Alchemist', ran a white-gloved hand over his face.

"What is it, brother?" Alphonse Elric glanced at his older brother, sparing his attention from the scenery flying past his window.

Ed sank down in his seat. "I called Colonel Bastard old before we left. Knowing him, he's cooked up some ridiculous revenge plot."

"Maybe you should stop insulting people if you don't like the consequences!" Al admonished.

Ed rolled his eyes. "Al, we get off at the next stop!" She jumped up, only to be yanked down by the back of the coat by his brother.

"Brother, no."

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!"

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Riza wondered at the maturity of her superior officer. He looked serious and calm on the outside, but she knew he was crying with laughter on the inside. Havoc was leaning against a pillar, smiling lazily. He was the only other member of the Mustang Unit that had decided to come. Breda, Fuery and Falman had wanted to stay.

"I can't wait to see Chief's face when he sees this." Havoc chuckled, holding the glittery sign up. Riza rolled her eyes. Mustang grinned.

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The trains pulled in to the station. Ed peered out the window, golden eyes squinted, fingers tapping on the sill. "Where is that bastard?" He questioned. Al sighed and dragged his brother away and out of the train.

"AL! STOP IT!"

"Brother, if we don't get off the train, it will leave!"

"THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN! GERROFF ME!"

"Brother, no!"

"Dammit, Al!"

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"There they are." Roy pointed to the suit of armor dragging the red-coated boy off the train despite his loud verbal objections. "Alphonse! Fullmetal!" He called. Havoc waved the sign vigorously.

Al was the first to notice the military personnel. He waved. His older brother noticed the sign 0.00001 seconds later.

"DAMN YOU, COLONEL BASTARD! I'M NOT SHORT!" The alchemist howled, flailing his arms.

"I don't think Chief likes the sign you put so much effort into, sir." Havoc pointed out.

Roy nodded, sidestepping as the blonde boy threw a punch at him. "Yes, what a pity."

Ed clapped his hands together, going for the sign. Havoc grinned, holding it up out of his reach.

"Damn you, Havoc! Get back here!"

Havoc's grin widened and he scuttled off. "Nope!"

"AAARRRGGHH! YOU BASTARD!" Ed whirled on Roy.

"How could you? After all my hard work!"

"DAMMIT! GET BACK HERE!"

"We'd better run, Havoc."

"Good idea sir, the child seems enraged.

"I'M NOT A KID, GODDAMMIT! GET BACK HERE!"

"Brother, no!"

Riza shook her head, unable to hide the small smile on her lips. 'Welcome home, Ed. Things were quiet around here without you.'