The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has flown the coop. Just a little random madness.
I Believe Gobo Can Fly
It all started in the office breakroom. Archer, Lana, Ray, Pam, Cyril and Cheryl were all there discussing a very important topic.
"I'm just saying as an action hero Steve McQueen wouldn't be my top choice," Archer said.
"Oh my God Archer you worship Steve McQueen!" Pam protested.
"No I don't!" Archer snapped.
"Then why did you always call out his name when you were sleeping?" Pam asked.
"He did that with you too?" Lana asked.
"Almost all the freaking time," Pam snorted.
"And me!" Cheryl laughed.
"I did not!" Archer protested. "I do not call out Steve McQueen's name in my sleep!"
"Yeah you do," Ray gave him a look.
"How would you know?" Archer barked.
"The Mountain of Death incident ring a bell?" Ray gave him a look.
"I didn't!" Archer protested.
"Archer I was there too," Lana gave him a look. "And yes, you did."
"Right after you felt me up," Ray grumbled.
"I was dreaming I was with Lauren Hutton!" Archer protested. "An unusually flat chested Lauren Hutton…"
"HA! HA!" Cyril laughed.
"What are you laughing at?" Ray gave Cyril a look.
"HA! HA!" Archer laughed.
"It was dark in that closet and I thought you were Scatterbrained Jane!" Cyril snapped.
Just then a strange noise was heard above their heads. "What was that?" Cyril blinked.
"Oh great…" Lana looked upwards. "What fresh Hell is going on today?"
"It sounds like someone or something is in the vents," Ray blinked.
"Oh man! Do you think it's ninjas?" Pam gulped. "Again?"
"Don't be stupid," Archer waved. "Ninjas don't make that much noise."
"Maybe it's an assassin?" Cyril gulped.
"Great! Where's my spear gun when I need it?" Lana grumbled.
"It's not an assassin," Archer snorted.
"He's right. If an assassin wanted to kill us it would be easier for him or her to wait until we were out of the building," Ray said.
"Him or her?" Archer asked.
"There are female assassins too Archer!" Lana barked.
"Fair enough," Archer said. "And Ray has a point. It's way too noisy to be an assassin. And too small."
"Unless it's a midget assassin," Cheryl said. Archer looked at her. "Fine! Jesus! Little person situational cleaner! Is that good enough for you PC Police?"
"I don't think it's that either," Lana said.
"Maybe it's a burglar?" Pam suggested.
"Who'd steal anything in this dump?" Ray snapped.
"Maybe it's a stupid burglar?" Cheryl suggested.
"Shut up idiots!" Archer shushed. The sound was heard again. "It doesn't sound like a person…It sounds more like an animal."
"Oh good…" Ray let out a sigh of relief. "Oh wait…No! Not good! Definitely not good!"
"Krieger really needs to get some better security in his lab," Lana groaned. "Maybe it's just a rat?"
"Oh like one of his exploding rats?" Ray asked. "Or his radioactive rats?"
"Technically it was just the mice that were exploding," Archer said. "Then again…"
"It sounds too big to be a rat," Lana said as the sounds were heard again.
"Maybe it's a big rat?" Pam suggested. "Maybe Krieger made a giant super rat?"
"It is a possibility," Ray sighed. "This is Krieger we're talking about."
"I dunno. It's definitely some kind of animal but I think Krieger's bored with experimenting on rats," Archer frowned. "And it sounds too heavy to be a squirrel. So…Some other kind of rodent maybe?"
"I'll bet Krieger let a raccoon loose in the vents," Cyril grumbled.
"Krieger wouldn't just let a raccoon loose in the vents," Pam corrected. "It would have escaped on its own."
"Yeah that's what would have happened," Ray admitted.
"Where would Krieger get a raccoon?" Lana asked.
"Where does Krieger get anything?" Ray snapped. "The man had a damn velociraptor once! Where did he get that?"
"So it is possible that it is a raccoon," Cyril said.
"Linda liked raccoons," Archer said.
"Your wife when you had amnesia?" Lana asked.
"Yeah she was really into them," Archer said. "Brought them into the house a couple of times. She treated them like little people. Little fur covered diseased people. One of 'em attacked a health inspector."
"What?" Lana said.
"It's okay. He had it in for me anyway because I married Linda," Archer said. "They were kind of engaged but she dumped him and married me like a day later. So he was always trying to ruin my business. Even tried to blame me for a mechanical shark running loose and tearing up half the street. Didn't work obviously."
"Mechanical shark?" Ray did a double take.
"Years ago the boardwalk in that town was featured in some B shark movie," Archer explained. "Here's a tip. Bad idea to put a high powered motor in an untethered mechanical shark."
"Duh!" Cheryl said.
"Looking back on it now it was kind of a weird time for me," Archer said. "There was the incident where I got into a fight with the owner of the restaurant across the street. That happened a couple times actually. The few days Linda decided to get a job at a grocery store and it ended up getting robbed blind by all the customers. The seaplane incident."
"Seaplane incident?" Lana asked.
"Yeah she thought to spice up her life by taking seaplane lessons but the instructor tried to hit on her and we both hit him," Archer explained. "Then we ended up nearly getting killed because she had to fly the plane back. Long story."
"I'll bet," Lana said.
"Then there was the time we tried to put on a murder mystery play at the restaurant and got robbed," Archer went on. "And a few other times we got robbed. I had to drive a cab and do some time working at a frat house to pay some bills. Got into a fight with the art critics of the town because Linda's insane sister insisted on displaying her horrible cat butt pictures in my restaurant."
"Do I want to know?" Lana sighed.
"No, you don't," Archer said. "She also hit on me a couple times. Once she tried to have this weird three way with me and a dentist while we were skiing one weekend. Long story."
"I have a story very similar to that," Ray admitted. "Although with me it was a chiropractor and a gymnast."
Everyone did a double take at Ray. "It was during the Olympics and both me and the gymnast both had bronze medals and were depressed and the chiropractor was…" Ray began. "You know what I'm going to just put a pin in this story for later."
"Much later," Cyril groaned.
"I definitely want to hear this story!" Pam said. "But go on Archer. You finish yours first."
"Yeah we never really heard anything about what happened those three months you lost your memory," Cyril said. "And I'm starting to suspect there's a good reason for that."
"Again it was a really weird time for me. Linda and her sister were really nuts," Archer admitted. "Of course those three kids of Linda's weren't exactly easy to live with. They were always getting into trouble. Exploring abandoned factories that were gonna get blown up at any minute. Charging kids money to look at nude beaches. Getting arrested by the police. Getting into fights with their teacher. The time they turned our restaurant into a casino…"
"Not exactly a restful vacation was it?" Ray asked.
"No, it was not. Especially the week Linda made me close the restaurant so I could meet her parents in Florida," Archer said. "They lived in some weird swinging singles complex where they had weird old people sex parties all the time. That was a very disturbing week on so many levels."
"Oh lord," Ray groaned.
"It wasn't all bad," Archer admitted. "The sex with Linda was great. The kids could be pretty cool. We went to the zoo a few times and only once did any animals get out. Watched a lot of TV together. One time I chaperoned a field trip to a museum and we broke away and spent the entire day screwing around. A kid nearly died but you know, it wasn't one of mine so it was still good."
"Nothing says family bonding like a near death experience," Ray quipped.
"We played a lot of laser tag," Archer went on. "I got the high score on this burger video game that I played nonstop for a week. Still there I'll bet. Entered a burger making contest and I got second place. Then I went to Linda's high school reunion. That was a blast! Had a couple of weird bonding adventures with the regulars that came into the restaurant. Oh and once I rode a train and we drank wine all day! Then got into a wine fight! That was fun!"
"You did all that in three months?" Lana barked. "How did you find time to run a business?"
"I didn't. The place was going into bankruptcy by the time I got my memory back," Archer admitted. "When I last saw Linda at the divorce hearing the restaurant was closed and she lost her apartment."
"Oh my God!" Lana gasped.
"I know. Good thing I didn't have to pay any alimony," Archer waved. "Turns out the guy who married us wasn't legally certified and having a raccoon as a witness doesn't count. So I just walked away after spending just enough to replace a few lamps and a mattress. Cheaper than the time I went to the South Pacific."
"So you just dumped your fake wife and kids on the street after you recovered from your mental breakdown?" Lana gave him a look.
"It was a clean break," Archer waved. "Besides she got married again. To one of the weird guys that came into the diner. I can't remember who he is. I wanna say Tommy…But I know that's not right."
"What's not right?" Mallory walked in with Krieger. Just then the strange noise was heard again. "God what fresh hell is going on now?"
"Krieger let some kind of raccoon loose in the air vents," Cyril said.
"I didn't let some kind of raccoon in the air vents!" Krieger snapped. "One! It's not a raccoon! And two, it escaped from my lab! So I didn't just let it out!"
"Potato, Po-Who The Hell Cares-O!" Mallory snapped. "What God forsaken thing got out this time?"
"Okay you are all aware of my creation Cyberneddly Teddly," Krieger said.
"Not me…" Archer blinked. "This is the first I'm hearing about it."
"Don't ask…" Ray groaned.
"I think I won't," Archer groaned.
"I thought I'd make him a little friend and a new possible playmate for…What's your kid's name again Lana?" Krieger began.
"Abbiejean," Lana frowned. "Krieger…"
"Okay I wanted this one to teach companionship and friendship while giving that fantasy element…" Krieger winced. "I was going for a baby dragon but I kind of got my blueprints mixed up. I ended up with a winged baby goat."
"There's a winged baby goat robot traipsing around in our vents?" Lana did a double take.
"With realistic horn, fur and eyes!" Krieger said cheerfully. "I even gave him night vision!"
"Like Goatley?" Ray groaned. "And all his other incarnations?"
"No! Not like the Goatelys!" Krieger corrected. "Those were unstable genetic mutations. This is a programmable machine!"
"Not that reassuring Krieger," Ray gave him a look.
"Wait how can a robot goat crawl around in the vents?" Archer asked.
"I programmed him to be very flexible," Krieger said. "In case the baby ended up stuck in the vents. Boy talk about irony!"
"So again…" Lana took a deep breath. "You created a winged robot goat…"
"Named Gobo!" Krieger said.
"Gobo the Goat…" Lana said in a deadpanned voice.
"Gobo the Robot Goat," Ray corrected.
"I though Gobo was a Fraggle," Pam said.
"That's a different show," Archer said.
"I thought Gobo was that deer from the book Bambi," Cyril said. "You know? The one that was edited out of the movie."
"Yeah because it wasn't traumatic enough for kids to see Bambi's Mom get murdered," Archer grumbled. "Let's stick in Bambi's best buddy getting blown away. The Uncle Tom of deer!"
"Hey!" Lana barked.
"Well he was!" Archer barked. "Dumb deer was raised by humans and tells all his forest friends that humans are great! And what happens? KER-BLAMMO! Hey honey guess who's coming to dinner as the main course?"
"I remember that book," Mallory remembered. "Yes! I know I read you that story once! Or made you read it…I don't recall the exact details but I definitely remember that passage!"
"Yeah Mother! You used it as an example of why I should never trust anybody especially if they give me treats!" Archer snapped.
"Again…another insight into why you are such a dysfunctional mess of a human being," Cyril groaned.
"Can we circle back to the actual problem at hand before it becomes a literal mess?" Lana snapped.
"Don't worry. Gobo is probably just trapped in the vents," Krieger waved. "Just lost and wandering around. Unless it somehow downloaded the schematics of this office and is working his way towards the air vents leading to the roof. Which is pretty likely now that I think about it. I did give Gobo some downloading capabilities and…"
"Everyone to the roof!" Mallory ordered.
"Damn it! I knew I should have brought my spear gun into work today!" Lana groaned as they all went to the roof of the building.
"Yes! I could have used it to kill Krieger!" Mallory snapped.
They got to the roof in minimal time considering…
"Oh! I got a stitch!" Cyril panted.
"Me too!" Krieger panted.
"BAAAAAHHHHH!"
"There's the…" Archer pointed at a grey and black small goat with floppy ears and wings. "Hey! He's kind of cute!"
"Who cares? Sterling blow it up before…" Mallory panted.
"BAAHHHH!"
"It flies off the roof," Mallory groaned. "Typical!"
"And of course the wings are dragon wings!" Lana groaned.
"Well I said I was originally going for dragon! Duh!" Krieger snapped.
"Uh guys," Cyril blinked. "Gobo has flown the coop. Pretty fast for a half dragon, half goat robot."
"I know. Look at that little guy go," Archer said in an impressed tone.
"Looks like he's flying across the river to Jersey," Pam blinked.
"I'm going to fly to the nearest bar and try and forget this…" Mallory groaned as she turned around.
A few days later…
"Although there are many skeptics, several people swear that this is footage of the actual Jersey Devil…" A news reporter's voice was heard over video footage of a goat like creature with bat wings flying in the woods.
"Oh look, Gobo made the news," Ray drawled as the entire staff watched on Cheryl's black and white TV in the bullpen.
"I'm so proud," Krieger sniffed.
"So are we gonna go get Gobo or…?" Pam asked.
"Are you insane?" Mallory snapped as she drank from her scotch glass. "There is no way in hell I'm organizing a fake Jersey Devil hunt! Even the CIA wouldn't find it plausible! Just let it fly around in the woods! Anybody asks we had nothing to do with it!"
"What if somebody catches Gobo and traces it back to us?" Archer asked. "Or worse what if the real Jersey Devil catches him and gets mad?"
"The real…?" Lana did a double take. "Never mind!"
"Please! They never caught those exploding mice or those intelligent rats or that electric bobcat that escaped into Central Park!" Mallory waved. "Or any of those other animals that escaped! They're little more than urban legends and our best bet is to let it stay that way!"
"Speaking of urban legends…" Ray pointed to the television.
"In related news, another feral intern attack was reported in Upstate New York," The male news anchor read from his desk. A picture behind him showing grainy footage of a young man with wild hair and a beard wearing a disheveled suit was shown.
"This makes the fifth attack recorded this year but this is the first time a photo of one of the suspects has been available," The news anchor read. "Park rangers warn hikers to stay away and not confront these deranged people."
"I know that guy," Archer blinked. "That looks like Dave. That intern you hired a while back Krieger."
"Really? Does he?" Krieger whistled.
"Didn't you lose a whole bunch of interns a few years ago on that camping trip?" Pam remembered.
"No. Nope. Nope. Nope," Krieger shook his head. "Don't remember a camping trip. Never went."
"Yes you did!" Pam protested. "I remember because the week after you came to my office and filled out a dozen forms saying that you had to replace all your interns because you lost them!"
"No, I didn't," Krieger said.
"Yes you did! And then you went on to tell me about your weekend and how you got lost in the woods after you sampled some of those new drugs and that new batch of Krieger Kleanse you whipped up," Pam said.
Krieger scoffed. "I think I would have remembered that!"
"Unless of course you're willing to admit that you're not the real Krieger but one of those San Marcos clones," Cheryl spoke up.
"That's even crazier!" Krieger snapped. "There's no way I had anything to do with this!"
"Witnesses report that the suspects are prone to fits of insane laughter during the attacks," The news anchor kept reporting. "And that sometimes the suspects chant an insane mantra. 'Krieger Army rules.' And a few other phrases we can't repeat on network television."
Everyone looked at Krieger. "Anything you want to confess, Krieger?" Cyril asked.
"Not really no," Krieger said.
"What is this agency becoming? The X Files?" Lana snapped. "Pam if you make a Sex Files joke I swear…"
"I'm not gonna! Jesus!" Pam protested. "Lana Scully!"
"I want to believe…" Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "That there is intelligent life outside this office."