"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Says who? I think I would have rather never loved at all than have loved and lost. Then again… I am one of those people that have loved.
Who knew that one person could make such an impact on someone's life?
April.
It's just a name to most people.
But to me… it is so much more than that.
If you walked by them on the street, she would have no significance on you whatsoever. But she did have an impact on somebody. That somebody being me.
She didn't only impact me. She impacted my life. She was beautiful. Red flaming hair, streaks going through it, a different color each week. I liked purple on her the best. It was just so… April. Large, green eyes, full of life.
"April." She flashed a smile as we smoked a butt out on the curb.
"What, like the month?"
She chuckled, nodding. "Yeah. Like the month."
We sat there in silence for a few moments, taking a drag of our cigarettes every so often.
"You gonna tell me yours?" She asked.
I raised an eyebrow. "My what?"
"Name." She said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh." I said like an idiot. "Roger."
She nodded. "Roger." She pondered, looking at the sky. "Famous spear."
"Huh?"
"That's what your name means. Famous spear." She explained.
"How do you know that?"
"I like matching names with meanings."
"Well what does yours mean?" I asked.
"Opening of fourth month" She chuckled to herself.
"I say we change that." I said, smirking.
"How so?" She challenged.
"I say… we change the name April to mean… opening of two legs." I winked.
Her face quickly changed of to one of playfulness, to one of extreme disgust. "You're a pig." She said, getting up from the curb and throwing her cigarette down onto the pavement as she started to walk away.
I cursed to myself and quickly got up. "Wait!" I yelled, running to her and grabbing her arm.
She jerked her arm away and looked at me sharply. "What, you gonna ask me to supply the condoms now too?" She spat.
"I'm sorry…" I said. "I didn't mean to be an ass…"
"Well you were. You need to calm down some. Don't be so nervous."
I shrugged. "Sorry." I mumbled.
Just then, a light bulb visibly went off in her head. "You want to relax some?"
"Um…"
"I got some shit that will calm you down. Does wonders. You'll love it." She said, cutting me off.
I raised an eyebrow. "What's the catch?"
She smiled. "You're good. I'll make you a deal. You get to relax your whole body with having the honor of my presence…" She trailed.
"And in return? What do you get?"
She shrugged. "You buy."
I nodded. "Sounds like a fair deal." I said and draped my arm around her shoulder. "Shall we be off?" I smiled down at her petite form.
She smiled, wrapping an arm around my waist as we walked. "We shall." And she led the way.
That night was my first time shooting up. And it definitely wasn't my last. Sadly enough, that was one of the best memories I have of her. I don't know how I fell in love with her. Maybe it was because I was just always with her… or because she was the one who was always there, helping me get my fix. Or maybe it was just because she was like a female version of me. Two extremely volatile people don't mix well in a relationship. I guess we learned that the hard way. We learned a lot of things the hard way.
I sat on the couch, strumming my guitar lightly, occasionally writing down a lyric that would pop into my mind, then crossing it out not too long after. April walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her body, her hair longer than usual due to the weight of water, strands of red covering various parts of her shoulders.
"Hey baby." She bent down, kissing my cheek as she walked by.
"Hey." I mumbled, not really paying attention as I focused on my song writing.
She walked towards our bedroom, the door wide open, exposing her nude body to the loft as she looked around the bedroom floor to see what clothes she could possibly wear for the night. "Baby." She called out to me.
I looked towards the open threshold, her standing there, completely naked. "Yeah?" I grumbled.
She frowned. "Before we go to the bar… you wanna have a little fun?" She flashed a smile, coming over to me and bending down, kissing me gently with her chapped lips. I let her kiss me for a moment, not kissing back, but allowing her to press her lips to mine. She pulled back slowly after a few seconds.
"What's wrong?" She asked harshly, her ginger colored eyebrows pushed together.
"I'm not really in the mood." I grumbled, looking back at my guitar.
"When are you ever in the mood anymore?" She said, sarcasm thick in her voice.
I rolled my eyes as she started to walk back into the bedroom, throwing on clothes on the way around the room. "Well excuse me if my guitar gives me more wood than you do lately…" I mutter under my breath.
Her head quickly pops out of the room. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"
"Nothing…"
"I'm pretty sure I heard you fuckin say somethin'."
"You heard wrong then." I said, trying to avoid a fight at all costs.
"You're an asshole." She said, throwing on a dirty pair of jeans and walking out the loft door.
I quickly looked up, just in time to see her slam the door shut.
I got up as swiftly as possible, running to the door and pulling it open. I ran down about two flights of stairs, until I caught up to her. "April!" I yelled, grabbing her arm, just as I had the night I had first met her.
She turned around slowly, her eyes full of rage. "Don't act like you love me if you don't Roger." She growled.
I gaped at her. "Of course I love you." I said. How could she doubt that?
"Do you? Or do you love the fact that I can get you a fix whenever you want?" She challenged. I took my hand off of her arm. Why do I love her? Maybe she's right.
"No." I decide. "I love you. For you. Not the drugs." I wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a tight embrace.
She shrugs out of my arms and starts to walk back up the stairs. "Right." She mumbles, the last sound heard being the sliding door close again.
I was stupid. I see that now. But I was also a drug addict. A drug addict in love. Not a good combination. Our whole relationship had its ups and downs, mostly downs. You would have thought that her death would have been one hell of a relief. A shock, yes. But also a relief.
Wrong.
Shock is an understatement. I think the word tragedy would be more fitting.
I walked into the loft to see Mark reading the paper on the couch.
"Hey." I said, throwing my jacket on the chair as I sat down on the couch next to him.
He put the paper on the coffee table. "Hey." He said, his eyes fixated on my very visible track marks.
I moved my arm out of his line of vision, nervously. "So… where's April?" I asked my best friend.
He picked up the paper again, scanning it. "Taking a bath. She's been in there a while now that I think about it. Over an hour."
I got up and headed towards the bathroom door. I knocked lightly. "April?" I called out.
The only noise heard was Mark adjusting his newspaper.
I knocked again, a bit more firmly. "April?" I called louder.
Still nothing.
I turned the doorknob, surprised to see that it was unlocked. I closed my eyes. I knew what I was going to find. I wasn't stupid. Just hopeful. An unlocked door was very un-April-like. I opened the door to see my whole life with April rush into my mind. The day we met, the moment we first shot up together, the night we first had sex together, the day she introduced me to her drug dealer, the night I introduced her to Mark, the day she moved in, the moment I felt I loved her, the moment our relationship started to fall apart, everything about us.
Blood all over her body, the source of it pouring from her wrists like two red waterfalls. A red lipstick made note scribbled onto the mirror.
I don't remember what exactly my reaction was, but all I know is that I let out some type of sound that erupted from my throat in agony, causing me to fall to my knees.
"Oh please God!" I screamed, clutching my head with my hands. "Please!" I screamed, crawling over to the tub, pulling what I could into my arms. I heard Mark scramble to call 911. I heard my screaming sobs fill the loft, possibly even the building. My bloodcurdling scream filled my ears as I dry heaved onto the floor. "No, no, no, no!" I cried hoarsely, my tears falling onto the floor, mixing in with the red, infected liquid, which dripped from her pale, bony wrists.
We sacrificed everything for each other.
We put blood and tears into this relationship.
I gave everything for her.
And I will never regret being with her.
Not even when I see that brief note on the mirror, making me realize that I have not only put my heart and soul in this, but I have put my entire life into this. For her.
A/N – Not a great ending…review anyway?