Vicarious, a naruto fanfic

vi⋅car⋅i⋅ous [vahy-kair-ee-uhs, vi-]
–adjective
1. performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another: vicarious punishment.
2. taking the place of another person or thing; acting or serving as a substitute.
3. felt or enjoyed through imagined participation in the experience of others: a vicarious thrill.
4. Physiology. noting or pertaining to a situation in which one organ performs part of the functions normally performed by another.

It's quite an emasculating fall, rivaling that of Lucifer, when one falls from Yondaime Houshukage to the beast within your own son. Spare the Jungian jokes. And not only emasculating, but dull, when that wimp of a son stops performing pranks for kicks and then becomes an ingrate, constantly asking for your power. And the one time you actually volunteer to give the kit power, the segare refuses, emasculating himself in the process by not retrieving that snake whore Uchiha.

And all this on top of the fact that the last time you had a decent fuck was with the gusoku's mother, who's prolly the tail-lifter of Uzushio by now…

Such is the life of me, Namikaze Minato, a.k.a Mt. Oinari's Yellow Flash. I'm sure that Kurt Vonnegut dude is laughing right now, absurd as my life is. But you get my point, ne? I'm desperate for entertainment! And y'all should know there're a lot of things I'm not above…

Who would've thought I'd get it through Sonny Boy? Oh, how like Jiraiya's porn it was, getting my jollies watching my son fuck that little fag Sai and later Orochimaru's bitch into the mattress (and even on the ground, in the latter's case)! And how laughable it was too, their foolish human ideals of love. I mean, expecting my son, of all beings, to love them!

Don't make me laugh! The boy was trained by Jiraiya, for Kami's sake! I don't think the word "love" is even in his vernacular!

(Tell him to tell ya about his thirteenth birthday…)

And this on top of the fact that we fox demons can impregnate males, something Junior was completely oblivious to! That's what comes from being raised by ol' Sarutobi…

Even now, that still makes me laugh, especially thinking about him knocking up those little fops. Which is why I didn't tell Naruto this little detail. Like I said, there're a lot of things I'm not above.

I blame you for this, old man!

Blame me all you want, boy, but I know you were having as much "fun" as I was.

Of course, all good things must come to an end, ne? My son did what most guys (human or demon) would do in his situation: run off with the next vixen he could find. Just as well; I didn't wanna be a granddad, just like I never wanted to be a dad. Why should my son go through the same horror?

It is disappointing, however, that I couldn't see the looks on those ketsuman's faces, especially Sasuke's. Poetic justice, my friends.

And I can't complain about the vixen Sonny ran off with. She may have been a human, but when she and my son first locked eyes when she made her move, I could see that she didn't have those delusions about my son's faithfulness (or lack thereof), and that she had some trickster in her, like my son will have again. And she's not that hard on the eyes either. And from what I've seen and heard from my son, the fag and snake bitch weren't hard acts for her to follow either.

All in all, the perfect mate. Hell, if I wasn't trapped in this Jungian prison, I'd tap that.

Glossary

Segare: Japanese. Humble term for "son." It can also mean "brat" or "punk," or "penis" in even more vulgar contexts.

Gusoku: Japanese. Another humble term for "son." It can also mean "stupid son" in vulgar contexts.

Ketsuman: Japanese LGBT slang. A portmanteau of ketsu ("ass") and manko ("cunt"), hence "ass cunt." Compare "mangina" or "man-cunt."