This time AJ took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some fun fluff from my tiny little mind. A little Daddy-Daughter bonding…Archer style.
Archer ABC'S
"Okay Abbiejean," Archer picked up his daughter and held her. "Let's you and I spend some quality time while Mommy is taking a shower." Archer was at Lana's apartment spending a little quality time with his daughter.
Archer thought. "You know there was a time when my idea of quality time was taking a shower with Mommy but…Not important now. I know! I should teach you stuff. Never too young to learn you know?"
"Of course my mother says I never learn anything," Archer grumbled as he sat on the couch. "How about Daddy goes over the ABC's?"
"Let's start with the most important letter, A!" Archer said proudly. "This letter is what we call a triple threat! Not only is it the first letter in the alphabet, which makes it the best letter! It's also a vowel! And sometimes a separate word. Well in a sentence. Like I just said now. In a sentence. See what Daddy did there? That's an example!"
"A is for Archer! And for Abbiejean!" Archer tickled his daughter who laughed. "See how awesome the letter A is? That's another word for A! Awesome! That describes your Daddy perfectly!"
"Of course a lot of people use another A word to describe Daddy at the office," Archer rolled his eyes. "Including your Mommy. And your grandmother."
"B is for bombs! And bullets!" Archer went on. "Things you need to avoid when you're a super spy. Because they go boom!"
"C is for cyborgs! They are really dangerous! Except for Uncle Ray. And Katya. Mostly because she has a vibrating…You know that's not important. Let's move on."
"Oh C also stands for Cocaine. Which you should always keep away from your Aunt Pam. For so many reasons."
"D is for daring! Which is what your Daddy is! A daring spy! It also stands for drink! Which Daddy could really go for right now. Oh another D word! Daddy!"
"And most important of all, D stands for Danger Zone! Oh yeah!"
"E is for evil! That's a word that describes the bad guys Daddy fights. And sometimes your grandmother."
"F is for failure. Which your evil grandmother sometimes calls your Daddy. And I hate to say it but odds are grandma is also going to call you that too someday. Don't take it too personally. Grandma's evil. Just remember that."
"G is for Glengoolie Blue! For the best of times! You'll find out how important that is when you turn sixteen and I take you out to your first bar."
"H is for hope. As in Daddy's hoping Mommy lets him have sex with her sometime soon."
"I is for idiots. Which basically describes everyone Daddy works with. Or comes across."
"J is for jump!" Archer said cheerfully as he held AJ over his head and down. "Which is what you have to do a lot when you're a spy. Jump out of an airplane. Jump out of a train. Jump to get away from a bomb. Jump to get out of bed and away from an angry husband…"
"K is for Krieger. Never be alone with him! EVER!"
"L is for uh…I had something for this," Archer blinked. "Oh right! Losers! Again that pretty much describes almost everyone Daddy comes in contact with. Or works with. And Kenny Loggins! Greatest musician ever! Can't wait until you're old enough to go to your first concert!"
"Oh right! It also stands for Lana! Your Mommy's name! Duh!"
"M is for Mother…My mother…Mallory," Archer sighed. AJ started to cry a little. "I know. She makes me cry too."
"No, no, no…" Archer soothed his daughter. "That's the letter N! No! Which is what Daddy says to grandma but she never listens to him!"
AJ calmed down. "Next is the letter O," Archer went on. "As in…Oh boy…You need a diaper change."
A minute later Archer was changing AJ's diaper. "Ugh! P is for Poop! Poopy, poopy, poopy pants! Seriously, all you eat is breast milk! How do you make so much…Well technically there's another word I use to describe poop that begins with S. But I promised your mother I'd try to cut down on the swearing so…"
"Q is for…Your Uncle Ray," Archer shrugged as he finished changing AJ's diaper. "Again I promised Lana that I'd not say too many homophobic words around you. But trust me kiddo, he's a big Q. You'll see in time. Won't be that hard for you to figure it out."
"R is for Reynolds! Burt Reynolds! One of the greatest actors of our time!" Archer said as he picked AJ up. "Seriously kid, I can't wait until you're old enough to enjoy his movies. Just trying to figure out which one you should see first. I guess the Cannonball Run movies are more accessible for someone your age. Lots of cars and stuff."
"On the other hand he has done some impressive voice acting work in a few cartoons which might be a little more appropriate," Archer thought again. "If you're going to watch cartoons you might as well watch some good ones. And getting used to the voices first might help you appreciate the nuanced performances Burt always does."
"And babies do recognize voices before sights and colors," Archer thought aloud. "So yeah, maybe I can find some books on tape. I wonder if Burt does children's books? If not I can always use the voicemails he left Mother."
"Which leads me to another R, for restraining order!" Archer groaned. "But I digress. There's lots of good Burt Reynolds movies to choose from. Gator. White Lightning. Smokey and the Bandit. Hooper…"
"I know you are definitely not going to watch Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I don't want to give you any bad career advice. Or your grandmother any ideas."
"Trust me on this kid, as soon as she thinks you're old enough she's gonna be sending you out on honeypot missions so fast you'll think you're training for the Sex Olympics! The week I turned fifteen she practically shoved me into the arms of some teenage tarts just so she could get an in with their fathers or uncles. Thank God most of them had better looking older sisters that put out. And more than a few moms too."
"But I'm getting off track," Archer said. "Let's move on to S! Another very important letter! Not as important as A is but still very important!"
"S is for Sterling! Which is your Daddy's name! And it is also for spy! Which is Daddy's job! In fact your Daddy is the world's greatest super spy!"
"Impressive right? I know!" Archer beamed at his daughter.
"T is for turtleneck! A very important article of clothing," Archer went on. "Which your Daddy practically invented. Well not the item itself but wearing it for work. I pretty much revolutionized it. Not James Bond! I don't care what people say, that glory hound copied me!"
"U is for uncle," Archer sighed. "I had a lot of 'uncles' growing up. Too many. Also a pretty decent spy TV show. But again they copied me."
"Well actually now that I think about it, this particular show was kind of before me. But not the remake. Skip the movie remake. I mean a cold war spy thriller? How many times has this been overdone? Spoiler alert AJ: Lots!"
"V is for vibrating…You know I think we're going to skip this letter until you reach puberty. For so many reasons."
"Oh! V also stands for van! In particular Krieger's van! Which you should never, ever, ever go into alone! Even Daddy is afraid to go into that van alone! And whatever you do, do not eat the ice cream in the van! Repeat! Do not, eat the ice cream!"
"W is for Woodhouse! Daddy's lazy butler who'd better get home soon before he ends up eating spiders and sand for a month!"
"X is for…Ex-girlfriends. Ex Co-workers. Ex-friends. Yes I know technically that Ex begins with an E. But very rarely do you see the letter X stand alone. Unless they're on the eyes of dead cartoon characters."
"Y is a weird letter. It can be both a vowel and a consonant. It goes both ways. Like your Aunt Pam."
"Y also stands for why did I think it was a good idea to use your sperm again?" Lana groaned. She was out of the shower wearing a white bathrobe and a towel.
"Technically that's a W," Archer corrected. "You have to ingrain proper spelling into them early Lana. That's how they learn."
"Says the man who has had more spelling mistakes in his reports than an entire third grade class," Lana quipped. "When you do write reports that is."
"Not that many," Archer waved. "Mistakes. Not reports. And yeah I admit I don't write that many reports. They're a waste of my time. Too boring."
"Not for the guys who used to proofread your reports," Lana remarked. "For example. The word misspell only has one e in it."
"Oh that's a really picky example!" Archer snorted. "It must have been a typo I only wrote once."
"You wrote it thirty seven times," Lana gave him a look. "Misspelling it the same way on the same piece of paper."
"When did I write that?"
"On your infamous treatise on Proper Report Etiquette you nailed to Pam's door like Martin Luther after that bender you had," Lana gave him a look. "Which by the way 'proper' only has two P's and they are not together. And Etiquette doesn't have a k in it."
"I don't remember that," Archer blinked.
"No surprise," Lana sighed. "Apparently you were drinking equal amounts of scotch and absinthe and binge watching Schoolhouse Rock all weekend for some reason."
"Oh right…It was at that teachers convention I crashed," Archer remembered. "Now I remember. Wow…A lot of those teachers had a lot of pent up tension. And were really good at holding their liquor."
"Why would you crash a teachers convention in the first place?" Lana asked.
"Uh free booze and sex, duh!" Archer shrugged. "Which reminds me I have to check my schedule and see when the next convention hits town."
"And that leads us to the letter Z which stands for zip it and zoom out of here so I can get some actual Z's!" Lana took AJ from him.
"Okay do you want a quickie before…?" Archer asked as he got up. "What? I only ask to be polite! Oh that's what I should have used for Q! Quickie!"
"Archer I say this as a very tired mother of a newborn baby," Lana glared at him. "Get out of here before I show AJ a new word for the letter T. As in taser! And another B word…"
"Bitch?"
"Balls!" Lana growled. "And a sentence with them both in it. As in Mommy tasered Daddy…"
"Leaving!" Archer left quickly.
"Again back to Y," Lana sighed. "As in why did I ever chose him to be the father of my child?"