Just a little one shot that popped into my head. Depression is a demon I personally have had to face in my life and so it was pretty easy for me to let this one-shot flow out like it did. That being said, this story is not a generalisation of depression or what it encompasses, it is based very much off of my own experience with the illness and this is the first time I've ever wrote about it in any capacity in any sort of detail. I hope you like it and I would love to hear some feedback if you have any.
Something was off. It wasn't so much a thought but more a feeling, like the kind that anchors itself in the bottom of your gut leaving you with no choice but to realise that there was something in your world that was slightly or completely off kilter. Chloe Beale had been feeling that way for a while now and after failing to shrug it off she decided to listen to what her gut was telling her and be more observant.
She assessed her academic work ethic to see if maybe she was lagging behind in one of her classes, only to discover that she was doing more than fine, even acing Russian Lit, a class she had purposely failed three times. She assessed the Bella's rehearsals more closely to see if she was overlooking any flaws that may have crept up in their training and routines, only to discover that the Bella's were in fact in tip top shape and well on their way to a World Title.
She assessed her extra circular activities to see if maybe she wasn't balancing her voluntary work with the animal shelter, with her college work and being a Bella but again discovered that she was doing more than enough hours to compensate. So then she turned her attention to her friends, catching up with all of them to see if she was neglecting them in any way but apparently she was all caught up with them too.
With everything else working fine and firing on all cylinders, Chloe looked in one last place and it was here that she slowly began to discover just what her gut was trying to tell. For the last three years Chloe had what could only be described as the perfect relationship. The type of relationship where two people managed, not only to balance each other out, but to exist in perfect harmony. For three years Chloe Beale had been happier than she'd ever been and there was one person who was responsible for that happiness.
Beca Mitchell. Or as Fat Amy liked to call her, Beca Effing Mitchell. Beca and Chloe were two sides of the same coin, soul mates who had been destined to meet and fall in love. Okay so maybe that was cheesy but Chloe had a penchant for Nicholas Sparks movies so she practically lived in cheesy cliché epic romance town. And while Beca hated all things cliched, for Chloe she could deal with it.
Their perfect relationship was made up of give and take, of having differing opinions and ideas and learning to compromise, of doing things together but realising that everyone needs their own time to themselves, of always supporting each other even if sometimes they don't agree or understand right away. Of knowing each other so well, they could communicate without saying a word, knew when the other needed comfort or to be left alone, knew when to push the boundaries or play it safe.
For three years things had been amazing, so much so that it felt like nothing could go wrong. But something was wrong and Chloe was slowly beginning to uncover what it was that was pushing things slightly off kilter. It Beca, or more so something the DJ was dealing with.
It had escaped Chloe's notice before, probably because from her perspective everything seemed fine. Beca still smiled at her from across a crowded room, still snuggled with her on the couch and participated in every date night, still kept on top of everything. But for some reason, when Chloe watched her girlfriend more closely, nothing seemed natural anymore, for some reason everything seemed forced almost like it was a challenge, because for Beca it was.
The DJ didn't know when or how it happened, it just crept up on her. It was like she woke up one day and suddenly she was facing into a black abyss of nothingness. Nothing felt right, it fact it almost felt like she didn't even belong in her own skin. She felt stuck and lost all at the same time. But what scared her the most, was the fact that she didn't really know what it was she was feeling, she just knew it was intense and all consuming. It was almost like she was a robot, just going through the motions of the day, surviving until tomorrow arrived.
She struggled to pay attention in class, often finding herself drifting off into some dream like state. She struggled to focus, barely managing to do any work before deciding it just wasn't worth it. For weeks, months, even the things she loved suddenly felt like a chore. Making mixes and coming up with arrangements, things that once came so naturally, seemed like they no longer existed in her veins like they used to.
She found herself getting frustrated more with everyone and everything and her frustration made her snappy. She would get aggravated more easily in Bella's rehearsals when the girls spent just a little too much time joking around. She would get annoyed over simple things that never used to bother her. But the worst part, was when she would wake up in bed with a beautiful redhead laying next to her, and the only thing Beca wanted to do more than watch her, was bury herself under the duvet and sleep the day away so she didn't have to face it.
And she hated herself for it, because she had so much going for. Amazing friends, a promising future in an industry she had dreamed of working in since she discovered music, and more importantly a girlfriend who would do anything for her and loved her unconditionally even with all her flaws. So why did she feel this way? Why did she feel like she was swimming under water, suffocating as she tried desperately to reach the surface, even just for a brief moment so she could breathe again. But it seemed like no matter how hard she tried to break the surface, she just couldn't reach it, and she was left feeling like she was drowning.
But she refused to allow anyone to see that, so Beca did what she always did when things were going wrong, she plastered a smile on her face and pretended like everything was fine or buried herself under her massive headphones and tried to escape through music. She apologised when she would get snappy and pass it off as stress. She would apologise when she zoned out and blamed it on being exhausted from juggling work, college and all thing's Bella.
And when Chloe would look at her with that beaming smile, she would smile back and pretend that everything was okay. Anything to avoid having people realise that the DJ was in fact broken beneath the surface. But with each passing day it became harder and harder to pretend, for the simple reason that she didn't care anymore, she didn't care about anything. All she wanted to do was shut herself away and be left alone.
It was subtle at first, what Chloe would notice. At first it was small things, like how Beca would sleep in a little longer or later than usual, or would spend a little extra time at the studio she was working at. The way she would zone out at breakfast when all the Bella's were talking over one another. It was in the way Beca was a little quieter than normal. The DJ wasn't the most talkative of the group, she ranked above Lily but below everyone else, but she didn't even try to engage in conversation anymore, choosing instead to sit in the corner and stare off into the distance.
At the time Chloe had put it down to exhaustion and stress from Beca being under so much pressure at her internship and also juggling college and being a captain of the Bella's. She was their fearless leader, but even leaders needed a time out. But as time went by, there didn't seem to be any improvement, and then Chloe noticed things getting progressively worse.
When Beca would smile at her, it would cross her lips but never reach her eyes. When they would go on date night, her girlfriend would be there physically but mentally and emotionally it was like she was absent. She even noticed that Beca's mood would alter quite drastically. She was more inclined to snap at the other Bella's over stupid things and always seemed to be apologising, almost as if she didn't understand herself why she had done it in the first place.
Even Beca's work rate seemed to be suffering. The DJ used to drum up countless mixes seemingly out of thin air, now it seemed like Chloe was constantly having to remind or motivate her girlfriend to get arrangements done for rehearsals or performances. Beca was even becoming a bit of a recluse. While she would normally seek Chloe out whenever she had free time, now she seemed to retreat to her room, or anywhere she could be alone.
When Fat Amy made a comment one day about Beca being a moody pain in the ass lately, Chloe then knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that something was wrong with Beca, because Amy never complained about Beca's moods before not even when they were roommates. So one night after the DJ had excused herself from their weekly Bella Friday night Netflix marathon and retreated to their bedroom, the redhead decided it was the perfect opportunity to finally talk to her girlfriend and find out what was going on.
Walking up the stairs and and making a beeline for her room, Chloe was about to enter, hand resting on the doorknob, when she was stopped by the sound of sniffling coming from the other side. She placed her ear against the door to make sure what she was hearing was real and when she heard the unmistakable sound of sniffling again, her heart broke. Leaning away from the door, she carefully twisted the doorknob and stepped inside,
The sight before her tore at her insides. Beca was sat with her back against the headboard, cradling a throw pillow to her chest, tears streaming down her face. In that moment Chloe wanted nothing more than to dash across the distance between them and pull her girlfriend into a hug. However, as soon as Beca registered her presence, she wiped the tears away and acted like nothing was wrong.
"Bec's are you okay?" Chloe asked her concern evident in her tone of voice as she crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed close to the brunette. Beca shifted so that she was sitting up indian style and nodded her head, too quickly to be convincing, and wiped away the last of the tear residue on her face, though she couldn't hide the tears in her eyes no matter how much she tried.
"Yeah, yeah no I'm fine, I just, stubbed my toe like an idiot, I'm good," she replied, not sure who she was trying to convince, herself, or her girlfriend. Chloe just gazed into her eyes for a long moment, gaging Beca's body language. She knew from the way she was fidgeting that she wasn't being honest. The DJ never could lie to her, though she rarely did.
"What's going on Beca?" Chloe asked as she edged closer to her girlfriend and took a hold of her hands and squeezed them reassuringly, "You know you can talk to me about anything," she said in a soothing encouraging voice. Beca gazed into ocean blue eyes, seeing nothing but patience, love and concern staring back. Her mouth bobbed up and down for a moment as she tried to find a way to verbalise what it was she wanted to say, until finally three words that seemed to sum up what she'd been feeling came tumbling out.
"I don't know," she managed to say around the lump forming in her throat, shaking her head a little as if to emphasise the fact that she really didn't know what was wrong. "I just, I don't know." Chloe frowned when she saw the tears beginning to spill down Beca's face again. She hated to see her girlfriend hurt or in pain, it killed her and she wanted nothing more than to take away whatever it was that was causing the younger girl to feel whatever it was she was feeling. Beca wiped at her cheeks again to rid the tears, failing miserably as more and more fell and then she grasped Chloe's hands, squeezing them for comfort.
"It's like I have this, this, constant pain in my head that won't go away. I feel like I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do," Beca cried as her tears began to fall harder and faster. The DJ ran a hand through her hair in frustration and blew out a breath in an attempt to calm herself and stem the flow of tears but it didn't have the desired affect.
Instead she shook her head as if in resignation of the fact that she was never going to be able to explain what it was that was going on inside her head. But her girlfriend was there, comforting her, offering her words of encouragement and it made Beca feel safe, like even if what she said didn't make sense, Chloe would find a way to understand. So Beca decided to try and explain the mess and turmoil going on inside.
"I watch the girls joking around and, I want to be a part of it, but it's like, I'm stuck inside a glass box watching everything but not being able to be a part of it," she said, gazing off into the distance at a spot on the wall just over Chloe's shoulder, "I try to focus on my music but it's like their's this block and no matter how hard I chip away at it, it doesn't ever go away." Then Beca focused in blue eyes that were watching her intently, patiently and Beca spoke about the thing that pained her the most.
"And then I look at you, this amazing girl who, for some unknown reason chose to love me. I wake up every morning, and I see you sleeping right next to me, and even though you're right there, I feel like no matter how hard I try to reach you, I can't," Beca released a whimper as she said those words, especially when she saw a tear fall down Chloe's cheek. "I feel like I'm standing of the edge of everybody's world watching from the outside, completely out of touch and I can't do it anymore."
At those words, as Beca broke down, Chloe instantly pulled her girlfriend into her arms and held on tight, allowing her to come undone. She stroked the back of Beca's head, as she whispered soft comforting words into her ear. Hearing the woman she loved talk about how she had been feeling, about how completely isolated she had felt, it was like a knife to Chloe's heart. Her girlfriend had been in so much pain and nobody realised it.
And that terrified her. Because hearing about how Beca had been feeling, what she had been thinking, Chloe related it to stories she had heard on those doctor shows she watched while she worked on choreography and performance plans on the weekends. The stories of people who had taken their own lives and the families who were left devastated by the loss and the guilt they felt for not having been able to help sooner or being able to prevent them spiralling into such a dark place to begin with.
It was breaking Chloe's heart to see her girlfriend like this and she tried and failed to keep her own tears at bay. She allowed a couple to escape but refused to allow anymore. Beca needed her to be strong and that's what she was going to do. Suddenly she felt Beca wrap her arms tighter around her and bury her face into her neck. After another few moments, a tearful whisper caught the redheads' attention.
"I don't wanna feel like this anymore Chlo." At those words Chloe resolved to find a way to fix whatever was broken in Beca, no matter what. She leaned back and cupped a pale face in the palm of her hands. "Listen to me okay, we are gonna get you help." When Beca looked like she was about to protest Chloe shook her head and then fixed her with a steely expression, knowing that Beca wasn't comfortable with talking to strangers but knowing that this was something that they could fix or deal with on their own.
"No Beca, don't fight me on this. Whatever you're going through right now, it's not just a bad day or a rough patch, this is something more than that and you need to talk to someone who can help you figure it out," Chloe sighed as she tucked a strand of hair behind Beca's ear. Honestly, the redhead had an idea of what might be wrong, but she didn't want to voice her thoughts, until her girlfriend had sought out a professional opinion.
"Beca, I love you, and I can't bear to see you hurting like this. Please, for me," Chloe pleaded. Beca mulled it over for a moment, taking her bottom lip in between her teeth and chewing it lightly as she regarded Chloe. She knew the redhead was right, she needed to talk to someone, a doctor more specifically. What she was feeling wasn't normal and it wasn't going to get better by ignoring it. Beca knew what she had to do, she had to get over her stupid inability to talk to people who weren't her girlfriend about her feelings and stuff, maybe then she could fix what was broken.
"Okay," she whispered and Chloe smiled at her before pulling her back into her arms and holding her tight, promising her through that action, and the kisses she placed all along the column of the DJ's neck, that she would be there for her whatever and whenever she needed, no matter what. After making a plan to visit the on campus doctor in the morning, Chloe laid down with her girlfriend and held her in her arms all through the night, relieved for having finally talked to Beca, but also feeling guilty for not noticing that something was wrong to begin with. But she silently swore in that moment, that she would never allow Beca to suffer in silence again.
Depression, a single word that encompassed so much meaning, so much pain and misery and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, a word that was used to describe an affliction that so many people struggled with daily, yet so few spoke out about. Something that can't be seen, but can do just as much damage as any physical illness, sometimes even more.
It's impossible to understand just how crippling depression can be if you've never had to live with it. It's also one of the reasons why many people who have never been directly or indirectly affected by it find it so hard to empathise with. Because it's not like a physical illness that manifests itself in a way that people can see or understand. That's why there had always been such a stigma attached to the illness and why people rarely spoke out, instead choosing to suffer in silence. Sometimes, from the outside looking in, it just looks like someone is having a 'bad day' or is just being moody. But look beyond the surface and you might see that maybe things aren't as okay or as simple as they seem.
Once the doctor had uttered the word depression to Beca it was like a little bit of the weight she had been carrying around had been lifted, because whatever she was dealing with finally had a name. At first Beca had felt like an idiot because really, what did she have to be depressed about. Aside from her parents divorcing and her dad moving away, she'd had a pretty great life. That was when the doctor had explained that depression was an all-inclusive club, nobody was immune, regardless of their situations in life. It was then that Beca realised why mental health was such a topic of debate lately, because it really was fragile.
After a lengthy discussion about coping techniques and some of the effects of the anti-depressants, Beca been assured that with a combination of the medication and counselling, that she would eventually begin to feel better and more like her old self, but it would take time, and the doctor had insisted that she accept support from loved ones to help get her through days that were particularly tough or trying and not to shy away from talking about things with those around her.
Upon leaving the doctor's office, Beca was met by Chloe, who had skipped her voluntary shift at the animal shelter to be there for her girlfriend. They just smiled at each other and Chloe laced her hand with Beca's, smiling sweetly at her as they walked out of the doctor's office. They stopped off at the drug store just down the street to pick up Beca's medication before heading back to the Bella house.
As they were leaving the store, Chloe decided to treat them to some take out lunch from one of their favourite diners. It was a treat but there was also somewhat of a hidden agenda. Chloe couldn't help but notice that her girlfriend had lost a couple of pounds of her frame, which considering how small Beca was by nature, was somewhat alarming to the redhead. She knew it was down to whatever the DJ was dealing with but that didn't stop her from being concerned and she made a mental note to make sure that her girlfriend had three solid meals a day.
When they arrived back at the Bella house, they opted out of chilling in the lounge with the other Bella's and decided to take their food to their room so they could talk in private about Beca's session with the doctor. Alone in the quiet safe haven of their room, Beca told Chloe about what the doctor had said, about having depression and what that meant and about the coping techniques they had discussed. Chloe for her part remained silent, absorbing it all, making sure she retained it all for furture purposes, while throwing in head nods every now and again to let Beca know she was listening.
"So that's it. I...have...depression," Beca said, while bobbing her head and stabbing her plastic fork around in her French fries. Chloe regarded her and lowered her take out box on the bed as she scooted closer to the brunette and wrapped her arm around her back, stroking it in a comforting manner.
"Bec's, you know that there's nothing to be ashamed of right? This is something that affects lots of people. And, I'm here for you okay. If you need to talk, or you just want someone to sit with you in silence while you work on your music, whatever it is, I'm here. You're not alone in this, I am always going to be here for you," Chloe said as she pressed a kiss to her girlfriends' temple. Beca gazed up at her and offered her a small smile before pulling her into a hug.
"I love you," she murmured as she wrapped her arms tight around Chloe's neck and felt the redhead respond by wrapping hers around the DJ's tiny waist. Even though she knew she had a long road ahead of her, in that moment Beca felt lighter and safer than she had in a long time and somehow, she knew that things would be okay, as long as she had Chloe.
"I love you too Bec's."
I hope you enjoyed this little ficlet. I'm tempted to write a little follow up chapter of how Beca is coping being on anti-depressants because that's not a fun ride either let me tell you. I guess I'll just see what the response is like to this. Anyways thanks for reading.