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Sunday Nite Blood
(Music up-Collegiate-type fanfare)
ANNOUNCER: And now, Sunday Nite Blood, with your hosts: Sergei Nhadov, Nhieu Lo, Dick Mieuv and field correspondent Knuht U'p. Tonight's episode: Spellbound.
(Music out)
A revolving set in black-out turns to the fore to reveal a panel of three commentators. The backdrop of the set is a huge black, red and silver neon map of Louisiana. Key locations are pinpointed with silhouettes of bottles of Tru Blood, namely: Bon Temps; Merlottes Bar & Grill; Bon Temps Graveyard; Compton House; Jason's House; Sookie's House; Maxine's House; Hoyt's House; Lafayette's House; Caroline Bellefleur's House; Shreveport; and Fangtasia.
The huge black lacquer desk the commentators sit at is appointed with three sleek blood red laptops, which each commentator peers into as the show unfolds.
SERGEI NHADOV: Hello fans and thanks for joining us all here at Sunday Nite Blood! I'm Sergei Nhadov and I'm joined by the rest of your Sunday Nite Blood team, Nhieu Lo and Dick Mieuv. Let's get right to the action...
NHIEU LO: Thanks Sergei, we've got Jessica at the door, Marnie flying high...
DICK MIEUV: (snickering) Where's that up-skirt camera when you need one, eh?
SERGEI NHADOV: (Disgustedly) Oh, that's just wrong, Dick.
NHIEU LO: I totally agree, Sergei, that's 400 year old snatch you're talking about there...
DICK MIEUV: Technically, you can shave about 350 years off of that snatch, Nhieu...
SERGEI NHADOV: Let's get back to the action, shall we? Jason comes in for the tackle and saves Jessica from the sun!
ALL: Yay!
DICK MIEUV: We've got credits rolling and now back to action...Bill is blabbing...oh, oh—he's worked in the episode title...nice!
NHIEU LO: Awesome. Jason is being all Jasony...
SERGEI NHADOV: Is he being Jasony or is that Jessica's blood talking?
DICK MIEUV: Well, he is lingering too long at the chains, there...
NHIEU LO: Well, that's alright, because Bill just told him to get lost. Okay, we've got Pack Action now...and the Leader says...stay the fuck out of the Vamp shit!
SERGEI NHADOV: I have to say guys, that's a move made of win.
DICK MIEUV: Agreed.
NHIEU LO: ITA, Sergei, ITA.
SERGEI NHADOV: Well, we're moving along—we've got some Sam action, folks.
DICK MIEUV: Knock, knock, knocking at Luna's door...
SERGEI NHADOV: And...he's in there!
NHIEU LO: Yeah, thanks to Emma...FROM DOWNTOWN!
DICK MIEUV: That kid really knows how to work some Barbie dolls. And I have to say guys, I don't know what's more disturbing—how she works 'em, or how stoked Sam gets when she offers 'em up...I'm just sayin'...
SERGEI NHADOV: Oh, now it's Sookie and Eric.
DICK MIEUV: I have to say guys, these two, I dunno, I'm just not feeling it.
NHIEU LO: Yeah, they just make me want to nod off...
SERGEI NHADOV: What?
NHIEU LO: What?
DICK MIEUV: Sookie just offered herself up as a snack...
NHIEU LO: Which makes this a good time to let the folks at home know that this portion of Sunday Nite Blood is being brought to you by...Snookies Cookies!
SERGEI NHADOV: Looks like we've got some break-up action...Jessica is kicking Hoyt to the curb!
NHIEU LO: Say it ain't so! And Hoyt goes down like a pussy! Ohhh!
DICK MIEUV: Jessica snaps...she takes him down with a smash of his big 'ol noggin to the kitchen sink! Ohhh! That's gotta hurt!
SERGEI NHADOV: Oh, Jessica, that was a dick move if I ever saw one...
DICK MIEUV: What?
SERGEI NHADOV: What?
NHIEU LO: It's okay, guys, it was a pump fake—just a dream, just a dream.
DICK MIEUV: Alright, Jason has just rolled up to the Beulah Carter "suicide" scene and catches Andy Bellefleur feenin' for some Beulah Carter goo and totally calls him on it.
SERGEI NHADOV: You know, Sheriff Andy...can we just shoot him yet? I mean, he's really sunk to an all time new low with this one...
NHIEU LO: What?
SERGEI NHADOV: What?
DICK MIEUV: King Bill shows up to do some damage control...oh, yes! He totally glamours the news lady, and right in front if Maxine Fortenberry!
SERGEI NHADOV: I tell you guys, I am loving this season's Balls of Bill.
NHIEU LO: I have to agree, Sergei. Sookie and this Eric suck together, in my humble opinion, but if that pairing gives me Kick Ass Bill, well then Fast Forward will just be my new best friend.
DICK MIEUV: Well, Nhieu, get ready to use it now, because your favorite love birds are up and so are the contents of most everything in my stomach... (he turns quickly away from the camera and manages to go off stage. We hear him hurling violently.)
NHIEU LO: Oh, this is painful...
SERGEI NHADOV: Slow and painful...for God's sake, man, hit the button...HIT THE BUTTON!
NHIEU LO: Back to the action...Bill sets up a meeting with the witch...Tommy sneaks into Maxine's...he hits the bloomer drawer—and by the way he's hefting those babies, it looks like he's chosen just the right pair—grabs some shoes then spies some better...now the perfect bag. And. He's. Outta There! That boy may not be too bright but he has learned a thing or two about the importance of accessorizing.
SERGEI NHADOV: And does a helluva job, in the dark, no less...
NHEIU LO: Alcide and Debby are feeling the love in their new pack and we learn what we've known all along: Alcide may be a lone wolf at heart but he's Alpha all the way...
SERGEI NHADOV: Oh dear God, No! Sookie and Eric are back and they're still both wigged out on each other...
(From off stage DICK MIEUV crawls back to his seat to rejoin the show.)
NHIEU LO: Good timing there, Dick, you just missed...
DICK MIEUV: Please don't even say it...
SERGEI NHADOV: Back to the action...Arlene wigs out over the ghost of Rene but Terry has it handled with his magic grill mirror...
DICK MIEUV: Baby Mikey goes all Charlie Brown as he drowns out his parents squabbling to get a second rendition of "Fais Do Do" from the Creepy Ghost Lady. And I have to say, team, I am already really tired of this song.
NHIEU LO: And here comes LaLa! Creepy Ghost Lady shoots him a look like she'll stick that fan where the sun don't shine. And there goes LaLa!
DICK MIEUV: Tommy/Maxine has just breezed in to Merlotte's to meet with the prospector...
SERGEI NHADOV: As well as generally terrorize everyone in the place and bad mouth the hell out of Sam.
NHIEU LO: Ouch! That hair!
SERGEI NHADOV: Ouch! That appetite! Which makes this a good time to let the folks at home know that this portion of Sunday Nite Blood is being brought to you by Miller Tall Boys! The official drink of Tommy/Maxine!
DICK MIEUV: We now go to our man in the field, correspondent Knuht U'p...
KNUHT U'P: (speaking in a near whisper) Hello True Blood Fans...I'm standing outside of the house of Hoyt Fortenberry and Jessica Hamby. Ms. Hamby has just gone into the house where we can hear the faint sounds of an argument...we'll be posted here to bring you the most up-to-date news as it develops. Back to the studio.
NHIEU LO: Thanks for that, Knuht. Well, it looks like Jessica is approaching the tough decision to end it with Hoyt...
SERGEI NHADOV: It doesn't look good, Nhieu...no, not good at all...
NHIEU LO: No, this is not going how Jessica envisioned it at all...she tries the "It not you it's me" routine...Hoyt doesn't buy it—he comes out of the gate angry...
SERGEI NHADOV: And he gets angrier! He breaks out the old "Bitch, God dammit, you broke my fuckin' heart!" on her...
ALL: OHH!
NHIEU LO: He whips her with the "You don't deserve me" ugly stick!
ALL: (All of them wince and squirm in their seats, as if they're taking the blows as well) OHH!
DICK MIEUV: He slams her with "I don't deserve to be someone who's gonna be a fucking virgin for all eternity"! (He shields himself)
SERGEI NHADOV: (In a frenzy) He hits her with the daylight and kids card; whomps her with all the love he has to offer which isn't good enough for her!
ALL: Awww...
NHIEU LO: (Sadly) Oh, folks, this is brutal...I've never seen anything like this...
SERGEI NHADOV: He goes in for the kill...no! No! He didn't say it! He didn't say it! He said it! He says he wants someone who's not fucking dead! That's it, man. Oh my God, it's over.
NHIEU LO: That one brought the blood tears, folks.
DICK MIEUV: You know, we've been waiting for Hoyt to grow a pair for the whole run of this show. What a way to finally nut up.
KNUHT U'P: (In the field on stand by) What was that Dick?
DICK MIEUV: What?
KNUHT U'P: What? Stand by, studio...we've just seen some movement...Oh my God, Hoyt Fortenberry just rescinded Jessica Hamby's invitation and she has just gone hurtling through the front door. Oh, this is awful. (To the cameraman) Turn it off...Turn it off, God dammit!
SERGEI NHADOV: We've just lost, uh, Knuht U'p in the field. Back to other developments...oh shit...Nhieu, hit the fast forward button...
NHIEU LO: Alcide and Debby leave the pack festivities, but not before Marcus lets him know that he's got political potential, to which Alcide says thanks, but no thanks, wrangling puppies part time is the most he cares to handle. And also not before Debby implores him not to fuck shit up by continuing to fraternize with Sookie. Alcide promises that he'll swear off. Debby hits the ground, rolls on her back and happily goes tummy up.
DICK MIEUV: Next, as LaLa dreams, we get some back story on Creepy Ghost Lady and her creepy doll...
SERGEI NHADOV: Newsflash, folks: even when the doll was new it was creepy.
DICK MIEUV: Seems Creepy Ghost Lady's mulatto baby was killed by the daddy and boy, does she have an ax to grind. She possesses LaLa, who proceeds to inherit a nice set of tatas—because fries , do indeed, come with that shake—and heads for Baby Mikey.
NHIEU LO: Eric and Sookie, who apparently feel that they have not spent enough time being rather lame, head to King Bill's and offer their warrior services in the fight against Antonia. At first Bill objects and then caves under the doe-eyed glare of Eric, who has seemingly taken notice himself of just how hot Bill has been looking these days in comparison to the crap fest that has been his Sookie-provided wardrobe since he lost his memory and his swagger.
NHIEU LO: Which makes this a good time to let the folks at home know that this portion of Sunday Nite Blood is being brought to you by...Barbie! Fucking with the self-esteem of little girls and grown women everywhere since 1959!
SERGEI NHADOV: And speaking of Barbie, Marcus the Great Pack Master heads to his babymomma's house only to find her and Emma entertaining Sam. Sam offers to leave but Luna tells him to stay. Marcus then reads Luna the Babydaddy Riot Act but little Emma ain't havin' it—nobody lays a finger on her Barbie playmate; and Luna threatens to call his parole officer if he doesn't back his shit down. Marcus and Sam sniff each other, don't dig the smell they're stepping in and now Sam realizes that if he ever gets a taste of Luna's sweet lovin' it will be a miracle. Marcus and his pissy boots leave.
DICK MIEUV: Meanwhile, Tommy stumbles through the woods, sick from turning back into himself and even sicker from being in Maxine's horrible clothes...
NHIEU LO: Jessica goes to see Jason and tells him that she's broken up with Hoyt. After a great show of loyalty and couple of nice shots of the top of Jason's fine ass hanging just so out of his jeans, he goes all conscience on, dick off and Jessica finds her invitation rescinded for the second time in one night.
ALL: OHH!
SERGEI NHADOV: Creepy Ghost Lady/LaLa sashays over to Caroline Bellefleur's; lifts a sleeping Andy's gun from its holster; then Baby Mikey—who clearly would like to swagga jack LaLa's head wrap in exchange for his lame cap—and her fugly doll from his crib right under sleeping Terry and Arlene; then sashays right back out.
DICK MIEUV: Meanwhile, at Bon Temps Cemetery, Bill proposes a truce, asks Antonia to fix Eric (because everybody wants Eric fixed, like, yesterday) and Pam, and promises not to harm Antonia ever again; to which Antonia whips some major logic on him and then answers, "Promises my 400 year old ass."
ALL: OHH!
SERGEI NHADOV: All hell breaks loose...Eric goes all Russell Edgington on a witch...Antonia develops an Ororo Munroe complex...Bill searches for Sookie in the fog...Tara bags a vamp...
ALL: OHH!
DICK MIEUV: Alcide, whose olfactory sense never seems to work as well as it should when it would benefit himself, totally doesn't smell Debby smelling him breaking his promise to stay the fuck away from Sookie.
ALL: OHH!
NHIEU LO: Pam and Tara square off but it's Bill to Tara's rescue...which surprises the holy fuck out of Tara. Pam then proclaims what we all know about True Blood scripts about this point in the season when she screams in frustration, "This is so fucking LAME!"
SERGEI NHADOV: Uh, did anyone catch that hot, sultry undertone between Bill and Tara when he answered her, "You know why"?
(A female intern from off stage yells out loud in a swoon) "I Did!"
NHIEU LO: You can say what you want about Tara's crappy character development, but that girl has got chemistry with everybody.
SERGEI NHADOV: You can say that again, Nhieu...when Bill pulled her up from the ground and they looked square in each other's eyes, well, it looked like a "Get A Room" moment to me...
(Female intern fron off stage, still swooning) "Hell to da Yez Lawd!"
NHIEU LO: Where are we at now, Dick?
DICK MIEUV: Oh, it's chaos for sure, guys...Eric picks the wrong time to have a snack...Sookie's fairy power takes out an idiot...she's been shot! Fairy down! Fairy down! Bill gets silvered—oh, this isn't good, folks...
NHIEU LO: Antonia and Eric meet again...what will she do to him now?
SERGEI NHADOV: Someone's got Sookie...It's Alcide!
ALL: Yay!
DICK MIEUV: But Debbie is watching him as he runs off into the fog with her—this is not good, folks...meanwhile, Antonia has Eric under her control as more fog rolls in...what does it all mean?
(Music up: Collegiate-type fanfare)
DICK MIEUV: Well that's it for this week...
NHIEU LO: Be sure to join us next week...
SERGEI NHADOV: We want to thank you for tuning in to...
ALL: Sunday Nite Blood! Good night.
The set revolves away from the camera as the lights go out.
ANNOUNCER: This has been Sunday Nite Blood, with your hosts: Sergei Nhadov, Nhieu Lo, Dick Mieuv and field correspondent Knuht U'p. Brought to you tonight by: Barbie...Snookies Cookies...and Miller Tall Boys.