Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, don't own the plot!
Genre: Hilarious Angst. It may not be good, but it's ground-breaking! How is it ground breaking when parody angst is almost as old as angst itself? Because it's not just parody; it's hi-larious!
Rating: PG-13.
Other: This could easily get the crap flamed out of me…and it's definitely not my best work. Hell, I was too lazy to even come up with a real name for Tiger's-Eye's beloved. But "Sushi Bar" is my favorite song by my favorite band, so I think that adds the personal touch that this story so richly needs. I'm also proud to say that this is probably the only Mary Sue fic with a side of implied slash…
Mary Sue was still weeping bitterly. She felt hurt, bewildered, and betrayed, not like the happy, beautiful girl she had been just two weeks before. Even under the weight of her sorrow she was still beautiful, but now her heart was breaking and her life was ruined.
She never could have believed that so much would change when she met him, the man of her dreams who had turned out to be a creature of pure nightmares.
No matter what happened, she would never forget that day…it was exactly two weeks ago when they'd met…
***
Darien was miserable. He'd finally realized something—he didn't like Serena at all. She was always shrieking and clinging to him. Besides, he always had to save her from the enemy, and what thanks did he get? More clinging. He'd also realized that he really loved Fiore, his alien friend from so many years ago. Or Andrew. Or possibly Malachite. But Malachite was dead, so it'd have to be either Fiore or Andrew. Both were preferable to the miserable bimbo who was going to trick him into marrying her.
He was currently looking at colleges. The East Coast of the United States held a certain appeal. Most because it was an ocean and three thousand miles away. The West Coast was out because that was just an ocean away and that really wasn't far enough.
Mary Sue knew nothing about this, of course, just like she had no idea that Serena Tsukino, one of her closest friends, was really Sailor Moon.
Oblivious or not, Mary Sue was still practically perfect in every way. She was beautiful, smart, charming, witty, tall, kind to animals, well dressed, athletic, studious, generous, cheerful, friendly, vivacious, modest, and had a gift for always finding le mot juste as well as an ass that wouldn't quit. On Wednesday nights she volunteered at a soup kitchen, and on the first Saturday of every month, she took underprivileged children to the zoo. Some of the kids were getting tired of going to the same zoo every single month, but they loved Mary Sue too much to say anything.
School had just ended on that fateful day when Serena ran up to Mary Sue. "Hey, Mary Sue, the big wine tasting is today! Let's go!"
"I don't know, Serena," said Mary Sue. "Aren't we a little young?"
Serena thought about this. For some reason, she had completely forgotten what the legal drinking age was in Japan. "I bet there's going to be lots of cute guys there!" she said.
Mary Sue blushed. Perfect as she was, she'd never had a boyfriend. She was waiting for someone absolutely perfect, a prince charming who would sweep her off her feet. "Maybe I'll meet a guy just like Darien," she said.
Serena giggled. "Oh, my Darien is just so wonderful!" Serena squealed. "I'm sure that today you'll find somebody just like him!"
***
Three poorly dressed men were already at the wine tasting. One of them was dressed like a woman, but all three were wearing an excessive amount of jewelry. Their table was currently filled with empty bottles. "There she is," Tiger's-Eye said as Mary Sue walked by. "I'm sure she's the one."
"Whatever," said Fish-Eye.
"A good woman is like a good bottle of wine," said Hawk's-Eye, "Aged to perfection."
"I don't think there are bad bottles of wine," said Fish-Eye. The Amazon Trio was currently sampling the Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel.
***
Fifteen minutes after they'd arrived, Serena was already tipsy. "Darien's talking about going to school in America," she slurred. "But I'm going to put a stop to that…"
"Serena, I think you'd better go home," said Amy.
"I'm sotally tober, Amy! Let's try some more wine…"
"You've had enough wine, meatball head," snapped Raye.
"You guys go on ahead," said Mary Sue. "I think I'm going to get my mom a bottle of wine for her birthday!" She watched them go and jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and saw Tiger's-Eye.
***
The next day… "Serena, it was like love at first sight!" Mary Sue gushed. "We're going to the movies tonight!"
"That's so great, Mary Sue!" Serena replied. "Maybe the four of us can go on a double date!"
Mary Sue's eyes began to fill with tears of joy. "That would be so tight!"
***
The day after… "Something fishy is going on," said Hawk's-Eye. He noticed the look Fish-Eye was giving him. "Sorry, Fish."
"I can't believe Tiger's-Eye hasn't looked in her dreams yet," said Fish-Eye. "Normally he doesn't wait more than half an hour!"
"I think he's actually falling for that human." Hawk's-Eye shrugged. "I mean, if she wasn't so young, she would be the perfect girl…"
"If she wasn't a girl, she would be perfect…" Fish-Eye stirred his drink with a neon pink crazy straw. "Do you think we should nark on Tiger's-Eye?"
Fish-Eye and Hawk's-Eye thought about this for a moment. Sure, the three of them had their differences, but could they really tell Zirconia that Tiger's-Eye was getting too attached to the target? They may have been evil, but they still had a vague concept of loyalty. "Maybe we should try to intervene first," Fish-Eye suggested.
They contemplated this possibility as well. "Maybe we should just have another drink," Hawk's-Eye suggested.
"I'm sure Tiger's-Eye knows what he's doing," added Fish-Eye.
They exchanged a glance. "Let's have another drink anyway," said Hawk's-Eye.
***
Tiger's-Eye was on another date with Mary Sue. He loved being with her and he loved everything about her. He glanced over at her and thought about asking her to marry him. They'd move into a quaint house with a white picket fence and have two lovely half-breed children together. Mary Sue would be the perfect mother, and Uncle Hawk's-Eye and Aunt Fish-Eye could babysit when the proud parents wanted a night out.
Despite how perfect this idyllic scene was, Tiger's-Eye shuddered. It was mostly at the thought of trusting Uncle Hawk's-Eye and Aunt Fish-Eye with children of any kind.
***
"This is the first time I ever felt love with my heart," Tiger's-Eye gushed.
"Maybe you should start thinking with your head," Hawk's-Eye muttered.
"Shut up, Mama's Boy. You're just jealous."
"You're an idiot, Tiger's-Eye," Fish-Eye announced. "How can you even say that with a straight face?"
"You can't do anything with a straight face," Tiger's-Eye replied. "And someday, you're going to feel what I'm feeling and then you'll know what I was talking about!"
"I doubt it."
"Well, it's going to happen, and I hope it bites you on the ass!"
"I hope it happens and bites you on the ass!"
"Fine, Fish'll fall in love with a human, and it'll bite us all on the ass!" Hawk's-Eye snapped. "But Tiger's-Eye, if you don't look in that human's dream mirror, we're going to tell Zirconia about this."
"You're going to nark on me?" Tiger's-Eye gasped. "I thought you guys were my friends!"
Hawk's-Eye and Fish-Eye exchanged a glance. "We learned at the beach that friends suck face," said Fish-Eye.
"Me and Fish are friends; you're just a business acquaintance," said Hawk's-Eye.
Through the haze of his love for Mary Sue, Tiger's-Eye tried to figure out what had just been said. "You still can't nark on me," he said, deciding to ignore it. "And I'm going to be with the one person who understands me!" That said, he ran out Scary Movie style.
"I think he's gone soft," said Fish-Eye.
"You know, if we nark on him, Zirconia'll probably bitch us out too," said Hawk's-Eye. They exchanged a glance.
"You want to ambush him?"
***
"What's wrong?" asked Mary Sue.
Tiger's-Eye looked around. He'd started to wish he hadn't suggested a walk in the woods. Especially after seeing the large number of beer cans lying around. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about," he said.
Mary Sue giggled coquettishly. "Oh, you can tell me anything," she said. She gasped as the blond got down on one knee.
"Mary Sue, I've loved you since the day we met," Tiger's-Eye said. "Will you marry me?"
"Of course!" Mary Sue squealed, letting him slip the tackiest engagement ring ever made on her finger. "I've never been happier!"
Tiger's-Eye stood up and smiled at her. "Me neither," he said. He glanced towards a nearby group of all concealing bushes at the sound of familiar music. "But there's something I need to tell you…"
***
Hawk's-Eye and Fish-Eye had gotten bored while lying in wait. They were also responsible for most of the empty beer cans littering the forest. "You pour the beer in the coconut and throw the can away," Fish-Eye was singing.
"Fish, I think they're here," said Hawk's-Eye. Fish-Eye threw a beer can at him.
***
"You see, I'm actually an evil humanoid with magic powers and no soul," Tiger's-Eye explained.
"I…don't understand," said Mary Sue.
"But you've taught me what love is," Tiger's-Eye continued. "And I want us to be together forever." He closed his eyes. "One! Two! Three!"
Mary Sue started screaming. She felt a horrible, ripping pain in her chest. "Why are you doing this?" she asked.
Tiger's-Eye hadn't wanted to hurt her. He had really wanted to look at her dreams. Besides, if she had Pegasus, he wouldn't have to kill her and they could still get married and raise their half breed children together.
Unfortunately… "No Pegasus?" Tiger's-Eye exclaimed as he emerged from the dream mirror.
"After all that?" asked Hawk's-Eye.
Fish-Eye snickered. "I can't believe you fell in love with someone who didn't even have Pegasus," he said. "That's so sad…"
"You're really starting to cheese me off, Fish," Tiger's-Eye muttered.
"Hold it right there!" Sailor Moon shouted.
"How dare you hurt our friend Mary Sue?" added Sailor Mini-Moon. "She's kind and sweet and good and loving!"
"I think the three of us can handle these pumpkins," said Tiger's-Eye. He looked around and realized that Hawk's-Eye and Fish-Eye had already left.
***
As Mary Sue continued reminiscing, she realized how amazing it was that she could remember things she wasn't there for and hadn't been told about. Before she could figure out the reason for this, three familiar looking spirits appeared in her bedroom. "It's you!" she gasped.
"I came to apologize," said Tiger's-Eye. "And to get my ring back."
"We were just animals then," added Hawk's-Eye. "We didn't know what we were doing. Although Tiger's-Eye did most of it."
"Shut up, geek face," said Tiger's-Eye. "You don't know what it's like to be in love or make horrible sacrifices."
"You're right, Tiger's-Eye. I wouldn't know anything about making sacrifices," Hawk's-Eye muttered.
Fish-Eye continued to sniffle. "I can't believe I'm never going to see him again," he said. "I'm sorry, Tiger's-Eye. I'm sorry, Mary Sue. I had no idea what it was like!"
"Mary Sue, can you ever forgive me?" Tiger's-Eye pleaded. "I know I lied to you and invaded your deepest, most personal secrets, but I never tried to stab you or anything."
Tears filled Mary Sue's gentle eyes. "Of course, I forgive you," she said.
"Just promise me that whenever you hear our song, you'll think of me."
"I don't think we had a song..." Mary Sue admitted.
"We didn't have a song either," Fish-Eye said sadly.
Hawk's-Eye looked at him. "I don't think I want to be your friend anymore, Fish," he said.
Tiger's-Eye took Mary Sue's hands in his. "Then pick a song," he said. "And whenever you hear it, think of me."
"I will," Mary Sue promised.
The Amazon Trio faded away, but Mary Sue no longer felt her crippling and tragic depression. And she knew that every time she heard "Sushi Bar", she'd think of Tiger's-Eye, her one true love...