Rewrite of Mike's Friendly Visit. I really haven't written since like July. Haha. Here goes . . .

Bella's POV

Here I am. Twiddling my thumbs. Sitting in this huge house. Alone. Why, may you ask? Because Lauren Friggin' Malory had a friggin' car accident, and every friggin' person in the house needed to assist the . . . person. Before they left, they told me to 'guard the house'. Like anyone would have the balls to break into a rich Vampire house . . . .

Ringggg Ringggg Ringgg I really don't want to answer the dumb phone. Ringgg Ringg Okay. Whatever. I will.

"Hello?" I asked angrily.

"BELLA! I haven't talked to you in forever!" Mike Friggin' Newton's voice half-screamed at me.

"We talked yesterday, Newton," I said flatly.

"Yeah . . . but you hung up on me." I could nearly hear the pitiful sadness in his voice.

"You remember why I hung up on you? 'Member? 'Cause you kept asking annoying questions?" I snapped.

"Speaking of those annoying questions--"

"Gotta go, Newton. I'm-- I'm going through a tunnel." Smooth, Bella. Real smooth.

"But, Bells. You don't have any tunnels in your hou--"

SCREW YOU, MIKE NEWTON.

Edward's POV

When dad said we all had to go help Lauren, I knew Bells would be mad.

Ever since I stepped foot out of that house, I've been missing the hell out of her. All I can think about is those shorts she wore the other day. I knew if I didn't get them off my mind soon, id have to go watch some sexual pornography on Emmett's laptop. (He uses that for when Rose is away.) I felt the need to differentiate between sexual and nonsexual pornography. . . nonsexual was like. . .END OF PREVIEW. And that always sucks. You're only a true loser when your porn blue-balls you.

Mike's POV

I kind of regretted calling Bella. Her voice loomed in my mind all day, which really bugged me because –quite frankly-- I couldn't have her. I know she loved me, even though she acts like she doesn't. She wants me. It's just deep, deep, deep down. Edward doesn't deserve her perfection. What happened to 'beauty is only skin deep' ?

I started thinking about going to her house. I knew she'd be all over me. Mmmm. Just think about those possibilities. She'd probably be all over me. Unless, of course, the pale dudes with freaky muscles were there.

Later that day:
I looked around sheepishly. No shiny Volvo. No Jeep. No BMW. No Vanquish. Awesome. I ran to the doorstep, afraid I'd lose my balls if I didn't hurry. I knocked. Opening the door, were two half-dressed, soaking wet, very pale people. They were both giggling and looked very...happy. Wait...
"Oh. My. Lord. Bella. You look--" I know they say marriage makes you pretty and all, but DAMN.
"Gorgeous, I know." Edward beamed.

Edward's POV
Here we are. Bella and I, soaked. Mike looking like he's fixing to get a very awkward hard-on. What do I do? I make fun of him, of course. I said something very faintly, so only Bella could hear. She started laughing. When she did so, her pink towel dropped to the floor. When she did so, her perfection of a body was exposed to the beady eyes of Mike Newton. Mike's thoughts raced into my mind like he was screaming them at me. Then . . . he fainted.

Mike's POV
"You think we should kill him?" Someone's voice said over me.
NO NO NO NO. Please don't! I felt a tear race from my eye to my chin.
"Haha. He's crying," the same voice laughed.
Even though I thought I would die, I still couldn't get Bella's body out of my mind. I knew everyone else knew what I was thinking about, too; I knew I had a hard-on. Poor Poor me. I couldn't move my body. Wait . . . WHAT? Why the hell can't I move??
"We paralyzed you. Chill."
I looked up and saw Edward staring at Bella like he would eat her for dinner. He probably eats her in other ways that I won't mention. I shuddered, trying to get that image out of my mind. I looked over and saw her in short-shorts and a itty-bitty tank top. Her dark hair was spilling over her shoulders. The tank top bulged in all the right places. Her long legs looked very inviting in the four-inch shorts. Goddd. See? She wants me.I closed my eyes and tried not to think of it. That, however, made it all worse.

Edward's POV
The thoughts from Mike's nasty mind were vomit-inducing. I thought I would vomit right then and there all over him. Well . . . I would have if I could have. Bella had lifted her shield and I could hear her thinking, "Good god. Now I remember why I don't wear this in front of other guys. I wish he'd pry his eyes off of my tits for like three seconds."
I started mumbling something really low to myself about killing him. I didn't know she could hear me until she screamed, "No! Edward! Don't kill him!!"
Mike instantly lit up and thought, "Wow she does lo--"
"No she doesn't," I breathed through gritted teeth. "Just leave now."
He did so with his head bowed so far down you'd think he was trying to suck his own penis.

Mike's POV
The whole way home I was thinking about how lucky my day had been, aside from Edward. I mean, really. I saw Bella naked. Laid on her couch. Saw her in that outfit. Mann. When I got home I knew I'd—well . . . I don't think I'll mention that. I tried not to think of it at the time because I was still afraid that Edward was around. I've always felt like he intrudes on my thoughts—like he knows things.

Btw . . . that was a combo of the first two chapters of my old story. They were 867 words—together. This one was 1,020 before I started writing this A/N. So what nowwww? Huh? That's what I thought.