Do No Harm
By TheLostMaximoff
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Last night's episode was awesome and I'm excited for Caitlin's future. R/R.
She feels cold. It worries her because she can't tell if it's normal cold or the kind that comes from her powers. She finds herself checking the power inhibitors constantly to make sure they're still active. The small heat she feels on her wrists let her know that she's okay, normal, the same Caitlin Snow that she's always been. She wonders if maybe that's the problem though.
Caitlin wasn't lying when she told Alchemy's disciple that story about the Hippocratic Oath. It's a principle she lives her entire life by. Do no harm. No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, she vowed that she would do no harm. Now she feels like a fraud because she sees the truth all along. All this time, she was harming herself. She kept everything bottled up for so long that it exploded into an ice storm. Even now, there's a voice in the back of her head telling her to take off the power inhibitors. It tells her she can finally let the anger out. It tells her to be what she really is inside. She stifles those thoughts because she's so very good at not feeling. Now she understands why. It's like the universe was trying to tell her something all this time and she never listened. She was always meant to be cold inside.
"I'm leaving for the night," declares Cisco, getting up from his seat at his station in The Cortex. "I'm probably going to hit up a bar on the way home. You wanna come with me?"
Caitlin wonders what it's like to live in a world with warmth. She wonders what it's like to live in a world where everything bad just rolls off your back. She knows that's a lie though. Much like her, Cisco is too good at hiding what he feels. He just does it differently than she does. She hates herself for trying to kill him and Barry. She took the Oath and should have known better. There are so many ways to hurt people though. What she said to Barry was true. Broken things can't be put back together again, and she feels more broken now than any other time in her life.
"I think the last thing I need right now is anything cold in me," she tells him. "Plus I don't want to risk getting drunk with . . ."
"Those cuffs are strong, Caitlin. You're not going to break them."
"Thanks but that's not really what I meant."
The voice in her head tells her that she should go get drunk and then take her inhibitors off. She knows they were built too well to get broken but that's not her real fear. She doesn't trust herself anymore, especially not the thoughts in her own head. She knows that she hurt her two best friends in the entire world. She took the Oath but life didn't make that same promise. The entire universe has been harming her for her whole life. It started with her father dying, then it was her husband doing the same, and now it's the slowly crumbling bonds of friendship she has with Barry and Cisco. Maybe she was meant to be alone, meant to lock her heart away in a prison made of ice where no one and nothing can harm her anymore.
"Well, I could use a stiff drink," says Cisco, putting on his jacket and preparing to leave.
"Cisco." Caitlin struggles to figure out what she wants to say. "I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and Barry."
"That was Killer Frost, not you."
"No, part of that was me," explains Caitlin. "I know I'm not in any good place to give you advice but take this from me. I know you're angry with me and Barry, and you have every reason to feel that way. If you're angry then please just let yourself be angry. Let yourself feel whatever you need to and for however long you need. I just hope someday you won't feel that way about either of us."
Cisco closes the space between them and hugs her. "Yeah, I hope so too."
Caitlin hugs him back and it's the most warmth she's felt all night. The sad truth that she's tried to avoid is that pain is a part of life. She hates hurting because it reminds her of everything she's lost. She keeps trying to run away from that feeling because it scares her. She can't run away anymore. She can't shut herself down and not feel because that's only going to make things worse. The voice inside her head is silent for a few moments and she reaffirms her vow. She's done harming herself, her friends, and the rest of the world. She's done trying to not feel things because it's only led to this disaster. She's done feeling cold inside.